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January 7th

Today, I couldn't hide my excitement I feel because of you anymore.

I told Benjamin. I know you probably want me to tell your father, in fact, I probably should have told him first…

And I'm sorry I haven't yet. I almost feel selfish…like I'm a child keeping a very special present all to myself…I guess my excuse is that your father doesn't want this gift…I can't keep you all for myself forever though, I suppose.

So I told Benjamin. My heart was beating so fast, and I was shaking. I don't even know why! Excitement, nervousness, simply sitting with the handsome barber? Could you feel it too? How often I wonder these things! Could you hear his happy whispers (well, we had to whisper, Johanna was sleeping only a few feet away) as he congratulated me? Could you tell my heart dropped when I told him to please not tell Albert. And could you feel the warm love that flooded through my veins when he didn't even ask why and just said, "I suppose, if that's what you want," I wish I didn't have to leave that moment as my eyes filled up with grateful tears. Simply grateful that at least one person in the world cared for me.

Well, until you come, at least.

I've noticed you've made me especially moody lately…I try not to mean that in a cruel way, I mean it's not exactly like you can help it! It's just true… I'm more absentminded, (or...ha…perhaps that's just how I am). I get more angry when Albert…your father…gets home late, or comes home drunk out of his bloody mind, and I cry over so little.

Sometimes, I lay in front of the fireplace at night, with nothing but the sound of the crackling wood and the smell of it burning to keep me company, it seems. And then I hear giggles and laughter from up above my head, where Benjamin lives with his lovely wife and darling daughter. And I'll sit there until the fire burns to embers, and the parlor is dark and hallow and cold, and I'll cry.

Hours pass still. Hours that are all a blur of an unclear vision and my face, streamed with burning tears.

Hours pass still, and your father still fails to make an appearance. And I have to wonder what in the world he is really doing out there so long… and so late.

It makes me feel so empty and lonely.

But then I remember.

I remember that you are growing inside of me and I feel so much, just, happier.

You're the warm light in my dark, damp parlor every night.

He's not home again tonight as I write this. I'm not even sure what time it is. I just know I made him dinner to come home and enjoy, and it's hours past dusk and he's still not home.

Oh, but don't worry…he'll come home… swinging like crazy. You'll know why, I wage even you will be able to smell the alcohol on his breath.

That's how it was the night I was feeling lonely…Three months ago…when I was feeling lonely. That night he came home drunk as ever. But I didn't care…I was lonely.

I bet he doesn't even remember that night.

When I tell him about you he'll yell and call me a slut and tell me that I should find a way to get rid of you…and fast.

But don't be scared my love. Oh, no, don't be frightened.

Nothing's gonna harm you.

Not while I'm around.

I promise.

I'll leave the country before I let your daddy lay a swinging hand on you.

Hm…

Enough about me though.

Enough about Albert!

Enough about this vile world that your poor soul is being born into.

All I want to do is wipe away everything bad.

All I want for you is to live in a peaceful world, where nothing will ever harm you.

Is that too much to ask?

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