Chapter Five: Daleks in Manhattan Part One
Disclaimer: I do not own Psych or Doctor Who.
After the Doctor was done baring his soul and they were all safely back in the TARDIS, Shawn and Gus had another silent argument. This time, Shawn lost.
"So Doctor, we've been thinking," he said slowly.
The Doctor looked up from where he was tinkering with the TARDIS controls. "Oh, this should be good."
"We want to see America," Shawn announced.
"I just took you to New New York, remember?" the Doctor asked rhetorically.
"Yes, well we don't feel that that really counts," Gus stepped in. "After all, it was on a whole different planet."
"And you already took us to freaking England but not our homeland," Shawn complained.
"Seriously, what is it with you and your rampant British hatred?" the Doctor demanded.
Shawn shrugged. "I don't know; what's with your blatant refusal to take us on a nice American adventure?"
"I'm not refusing to do anything!" the Doctor protested. "We've been on two trips."
"Technically, it's just one super-long trip that won't be complete until you take us to the real America and not one of the new ones," Gus informed him.
The Doctor tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Well…there is one place I'm in the mood for. New New York always makes me think of it and I suppose it wouldn't hurt to round out our trip by taking you to a place you might be more familiar with."
Shawn and Gus exchanged a triumphant fist-bump.
"But," the Doctor added firmly, "after that I am taking you two home, understand? I prefer traveling alone."
"That is absolutely the impression that we've got," Shawn said, somehow managing to keep a straight face.
"Hold on tight," the Doctor advised them as he started pressing the buttons and pulling the levers that would take them to somewhere in America.
"Shawn, I think we're running out of excuses to take keep extending this 'one trip'," Gus whispered.
"How lame is that? It only got us two extra trips," Shawn groused. "Still, I don't think he'll really send us home. He likes having us around or he wouldn't let us keep extending them."
"But he did combine our initial two-trip plan of a different planet and the future into one trip," Gus pointed out.
"So maybe he's a bit ambisinistrous about having us along," Shawn admitted.
"That's 'ambivalent', Shawn," Gus corrected him. "Ambisinistrous is when you're equally clumsy with both hands."
Shawn shrugged, unconcerned. "I've heard it both ways."
"Come one," the Doctor beckoned them, looking excited. "I absolutely love this city. Not as much as I love anything in Britain, of course, but that just goes without saying."
"And yet you said it anyway," Shawn noted. "Are we going to have some sort of a nationalistic rivalry? You're not even British."
"My accent says otherwise," the Doctor said cheerfully. He opened the TARDIS door. "Guests on their last trip first."
"Okay, so maybe we should start brainstorming," Shawn conceded quietly as they stepped outside.
"Where are we?" Gus asked, looking around eagerly.
The Doctor beamed. "Ah, smell that Atlantic breeze. Nice and cold. Lovely. Shawn, Gus, have you met my friend?"
They turned to see where the Doctor was looking.
"Is that the Statue of Liberty?" Gus asked, awed.
Shawn nodded. "I was actually a Statue of Liberty tour guide for about three months once. Of course, I got fired because they didn't approve of some of the pictures I was taking with her but I maintain that it was absolutely worth it."
"Do I even want to know?" the Doctor assked, a bit uncertainly.
"Probably not," Gus replied. "I mean, I don't even know but you usually don't want to where Shawn's concerned."
"Don't worry, buddy, I know that you have a set limit of what you can take before your head explodes," Shawn remarked.
"Or my head," the Doctor mused. "The Statue of Liberty has always meant a lot to me. 'Give me you tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to break free…' It's such a lovely thought."
"It's also a little bit outdated," Shawn told them. "I mean, nowadays they're talking about building a fence to keep out all of those poor, huddled masses yearning to break free from Mexico."
"They won't actually do that," Gus scoffed. He frowned. "Will they?"
The Doctor shrugged. "Would you believe I actually don't know? I don't really keep up with America's immigration policy."
"Even before then, they had quotas," Shawn continued. "Do you know they actually turned away people trying to escape the Nazis? And whenever there was an influx due to a potato famine or violent upheaval in a country, only so many were let in."
"The Irish potato famine was in the 1840s and 1850s and the Statue of Liberty wasn't sent over until 1886," the Doctor announced.
"Those words still sound like wishful thinking," Shawn argued. "America has never wanted the poverty-stricken of other countries. I don't think any country has ever wanted the poorest of the poor to be the ones moving in."
"They got rid of nationality-based quotas in 1965 and now they allow 700,000 people to immigrate to the United States every year," Gus pointed out. "It's not like that's a small number."
"But becoming a citizen is a nightmare," Shawn countered.
"So I take it you're not really an idealist," the Doctor said to Shawn. It wasn't really a question.
Shawn snorted. "Growing up in my house? I'm lucky my Dad let me go on believing in Santa Claus for as long as he did and that's probably only because Mom put her foot down."
"Well unlike Shawn, I've actually lived a fairly sane life – unless Shawn's around, of course – and so my travel history is far less extensive than his," Gus declared. "I've always wanted to see New York. The real New York, not just one of those knockoffs that they can't think of a better name for. The city so nice they named it twice."
"Mind you, it was New Amsterdam originally," the Doctor was quick to inform them. "Harder to say twice. No wonder it didn't catch on."
"So even the name 'New York' was a knockoff?" Shawn asked, surprised. "How ever people managed to name things back when they couldn't just steal a place that already existed and slap a 'New' on it is beyond me."
"True," the Doctor agreed. "But I guess one new is better than fifteen. You really have to wonder how people can honestly decide that putting fifteen 'news' in the name is a good idea."
"Hey, what year is this, anyway? The Empire State Building isn't finished," Shawn remarked. He looked pointedly at Gus.
"What?" Gus asked defensively. "It's not like I've extensively studied the history of New York."
"Wow," Shawn said, laughing. "Just…wow."
"What?" the Doctor asked him.
"I'm just surprised there's a useless fact Gus doesn't know," Shawn explained. "According to that newspaper over there on that bench, it's November 1st, 1930. The Empire State Building was built during the Great Depression? That seems a bit wasteful."
Gus went to go retrieve the Newspaper. "On the other hand, it would create jobs. Roosevelt wasn't sworn in yet but I'm sure they at least made an effort."
"It looks like it's a good thing we showed up when we did," the Doctor said, looking over Gus' shoulder.
" 'Hooverville Mystery Deepens,'" Shawn read. "Does anybody care to explain what Hooverville is? Oh come on, Gus, don't even pretend you don't know."
Gus pointedly refused to look at him.
"Herbert Hoover was the 31st President of the United States," the Doctor explained. "He came to power nearly two years ago and the economy collapsed. Everyone blamed him and so they started calling the shanty towns built by the homeless Hooverville. In New York, Hooverville is in Central Park. Needless to say, Hoover only carried six states in the 1932 election."
"And yet you said it anyway again," Shawn remarked.
When the trio arrived in Hooverville, they saw a fistfight going on which was hardly the most auspicious of starts. A man in a faded trench coat came out to stop them. One man claimed the other had stolen his bread and, though it was true, he split the bread in half and gave each man part of it.
"How very King Solomon," Gus murmured.
"No stealin' and no fightin'. You know the rules," the man insisted. "Thirteen years ago I fought in the Great War. A lot of us did. And the only reason we got through was because we stuck together! No matter how bad things get, we still act like human beings. It's all we got."
Shawn furrowed his brow. "The Great War…?"
"World War I," Gus told him. "It was also called the war to end all wars but look how well that turned out."
The crowd dispersed and the Doctor went up to the man. "I suppose that makes you the boss around here."
The man acknowledged that with a quick nod. "I'm Solomon. And, uh, who might you be?"
"Very King Solomon," Gus muttered.
"He's the Doctor," Shawn introduced. "I'm Shawn Spencer and this is my partner, Tom Joad."
"Grapes of Wrath?" Gus asked quietly. "Really?"
"Look, it was either that or George and Lennie and I know how you feel about them," Shawn replied.
"A doctor?" Solomon scoffed. "Well, we got, uh, stockbrokers, we got a lawyer, but you're the first doctor. Neighborhood gets classier by the day."
"Oh, we're not planning on staying," Gus assured him. "We just heard about the disappearances and we'd like to help."
"Really," Solomon said disbelievingly. "Well, that would be a first. But since you are 'here to help' then I'd like to know something. You're a man of learning, right, Doctor? Tell me, how come they can afford to build the biggest building in the world while we've got people starving in the street?"
"Oh, I can answer that," Shawn told him. "It's because making the tallest building in the world is a giant ego trip and nobody cares about poor people."
Gus hit him. "Shawn!"
"What?" Shawn asked defensively. "They don't. Um, no offence."
"Look, is it true that people are disappearing?" the Doctor asked.
Solomon sighed heavily. "It's true, all right."
"But how can you even tell? People must be coming and going all the time," the Doctor pointed out. "No one stays here unless they have to and you can't expect everybody to both to say goodbye."
"That's what we thought at first, too, but it's not quite like that," Solomon claimed. "We hear cries in the night and when we try to investigate, the poor soul's gone. They leave behind their knife, blanket, whatever they've got. They leave their bread uneaten and their fire still going. People who have things don't often leave that much behind and those with nothing certainly don't. You saw what just happened over one loaf of bread. So many people wouldn't leave so much behind. They can't afford to. They might starve as it is, even without abandoning their few possessions."
"Have you tried going to the police?" Gus asked.
Shawn snorted. "Please, Gus. The police? Why is that always your answer to everything? It's like you're trying to put us out of business."
"Psych doesn't exist in 1930 or in New York," Gus reminded him. "And when people routinely go missing, the police is really the only sensible course of action."
"Oh, we tried that," Solomon said bitterly. "But another deadbeat goes missing and no one cares. I'm actually a little surprised it made the papers. Must be a slow news week."
Shawn nodded. "Nobody cares about poor people."
"Will you stop saying that?" Gus demanded.
"If I stop saying it it won't make it any less true," Shawn protested.
"That's still no reason to rub his face in it!" Gus insisted.
Solomon laughed harshly. "Oh, every damn day rubs my face in that fact well enough. It doesn't matter what he says."
"So we've got to figure out who is taking these people and what for," the Doctor said thoughtfully. "Please don't let it be Cybermen again. I am really not in the mood to deal with Cybermen again."
Before anyone could ask what in the world was a Cyberman, a young man came running up to them. "Solomon, Mr. Diagoras is here," he said in a thickly accented voice.
"Who's that?" Shawn asked blankly.
"He's the man in charge of construction for the Empire State Building," Solomon explained. "He sometimes comes down here for workers. Best go see what he wants."
Mr. Diagoras was a smug-looking man in a smart hat and business suit flanked by two equally smug-looking and sharp-dressed men. "I need men. Volunteers. I got a little work for you and you sure look like you can use the money."
"I officially hate this man," Shawn declared.
"What makes you say that?" Gus asked.
"Trust me, when you've had as many employers as I have, you start to be able to tell these things. Going to work for him would be a horrible idea," Shawn said authoritatively. "He's condescending and can't be bothered to make an effort to pretend not to be. Plus, do they even have laws protecting employees at this point in time?"
"I think so," the Doctor replied. "But during the Depression, is anyone really going to enforce them?"
The man who had alerted them to Diagoras' presence had no similar qualms, probably because unlike them he actually desperately needed the money. "Yeah. What is the money?"
"A dollar a day," came the almost bored response.
"A dollar a day?" Shawn repeated incredulously. "Please, I wouldn't work for a dollar an hour."
"You have to remember to adjust for inflation," the Doctor reminded him. "I'm no expert but I think a 1930s dollar would be worth approximately…$11.73 in 2007."
" 'Approximately'," Gus repeated, shaking his head.
"Approximately," the Doctor agreed.
"I would do $11.73 an hour," Shawn conceded. "But certainly not per day."
Solomon nodded his head. "I agree. A dollar a day's slave wages. What's the work, anyway?"
"A little trip down the sewers. Got a tunnel that collapsed needs clearing and fixing," Diagoras said vaguely. "Any takers?"
"Men don't always come back, do they?" Solomon asked pointedly.
Diagoras shrugged. "Accidents happen."
"Accidents happen?" Gus couldn't believe it. "You really expect people to risk their lives on something that's known to produce a lot of casualties for only a dollar a day and no compensation for injuries suffered or death because 'accidents happen'?"
"What are you, a union man? Look, do you want the work or not?" Diagoras asked, annoyed.
"Absolutely," the Doctor said smoothly, raising his hand.
"Just so you know, if I get eaten by a giant alligator, I am going to kill you," Gus warned as he raised his hand as well.
"Turn left. Go about half a mile. Follow Tunnel 273. Fall's right ahead of you. You can't miss it," Diagoras instructed at the entrance to the sewer.
"And when do we get our dollar?" one of the others, Frank, asked.
"When you come back up," Diagoras said easily.
"Are we really supposed to think that you'll remember us?" Gus demanded.
Diagoras snorted. "Trust me, kid. I'll remember you."
Gus made a face. 'Kid', he mouthed.
"And if we don't come back up?" the Doctor inquired almost casually.
"Then I got no one to pay," Diagoras said indifferently.
"We'll be back," Solomon said firmly.
"That's just what we need right now," Shawn said thoughtfully as he and the others started to walk off. The Doctor was busy engaging in an impromptu staring contest with Diagoras but that couldn't last forever. "A terminator. Of course, an Austrian accent would do wonders for my confidence in this operation but you can't have everything, I guess."
"What's a terminator?" Frank asked curiously.
"What's a terminator?" Shawn laughed. "Only an unstoppable killing machine. You could think of him like Superman, I guess. I mean, they don't really have that much in common but it will have to do."
"And Superman is…?" Frank prompted.
Shawn covered his eyes. "We have nothing in common."
"So this Diagoras bloke, who is he then?" the Doctor asked as he caught up to them.
"A couple of months ago, he was just another foreman. Now it seems like he's running most of Manhattan," Solomon explained.
"How did he manage that, then?" the Doctor inquired.
"Alien witches?" Shawn offered.
Gus glared. "Don't even joke about that."
"These are strange times. A man can go from being King of the Hill to the lowest of the low overnight. It's just for some folks it works the other way 'round," Solomon said with a shrug.
"Especially if he never pays anyone because they all die," Gus said disgustedly.
"I don't know. Doesn't anybody notice nobody ever comes back from his jobs?" Shawn inquired. "And if he has so many people from jobs, why kidnap people from Hooverville? Why not pick off people in a more isolated area?"
"People with money can get away with anything these days," Solomon said ruefully. "And that Diagoras, whatever else he is, has quite a bit of money."
"Woah," the Doctor said suddenly, holding up a hand to stop Solomon from moving forward.
"It looks like one of those jellyfish from SpongeBob," Shawn opined, peering intently at it. "Except, you know, all bright green and radioactive."
"Is it radioactive?" the Doctor asked idly as he picked it up and put it up to his face so he could smell it.
"Why would you do that?" Gus asked, horrified. "Do you have any idea where it's been or what it is or how radioactive it is?"
"I have a much higher tolerance for radiation than you people do," the Doctor explained. "Mind you, it's not absolute but if you lot will be fine being near it then I should be fine touching it. And if not then we're all in trouble anyway."
" 'You people'?" Shawn repeated. "I feel so stereotyped."
"Oh, you know what I mean," the Doctor said distractedly. "Shine your torch through it."
"My what? I don't have a torch," Gus said, confused.
"The light," the Doctor clarified.
"Oh, my flashlight," Gus said before doing as he'd been asked. "So flashlights are called torches in Britain, huh? You learn something new every day."
"Yes," Solomon agreed. "Like there's green slime creatures down in the sewers. That seemed like the slightly more relevant part of what I found here."
"Composite organic matter," the Doctor mused. "We must be at least half a mile in and I don't see any sign of a collapse, do you? So why did Mr. Diagoras send us down here?"
"He's behind the disappearances and is trying to make us disappear, too?" Gus guessed, looking faint. "This is all your fault, Shawn."
"My fault?" Shawn protested. "You're the one who volunteered after the Doctor did. I'm the one who really doesn't think the money's worth it and was dragged along against my will."
"You did it for a pineapple," Gus pointed out.
"You have your story, I'll have mine," Shawn said, crossing his arms.
"Where are we?" Frank wondered.
"Well…we're still right underneath Manhattan," the Doctor informed them. "Shocking, I know. I wish I could be more specific but the sewers all look the same."
"I wonder if we'll run into the Penguin down here," Shawn said, looking around.
"The who?" Frank asked.
Shawn closed his eyes. "Seriously, don't even talk to me."
"We're way beyond half a mile. There's no collapse, nothing," Solomon noted as they continued to walk along. He sounded worried.
"So why did Diagoras want people to come down here?" Frank asked.
"Maybe he's some kind of serial murderer and figured no one would care about a few missing vagrants," Gus said, his eyes darting around the tunnels.
Solomon snorted. "He was right."
"Solomon, I think it's time you took these three back. I'll be much quicker on my own," the Doctor told him.
"Good idea," Gus agreed. "Come on, time's awasting."
" 'Time's awasting'?" Shawn repeated.
"What, now you're going to pretend not to know me, too?" Gus asked, rolling his eyes.
"I'm considering it," Shawn said honestly.
A squeal filled the air.
"What the hell was that?" Solomon asked, shining his flashlight in the direction it had come from.
"It sounded like a pig," Shawn answered. "Although why anyone would have one of those down here is beyond me."
Gus stared at him. "And how do you know that?"
"I worked on a farm once for six weeks back when I was perfecting my Lennie impression," Shawn explained.
"What if it's one of the folk gone missing? You'd be scared, half-mad down here on your own," Frank told them.
"Yes but even when Gus is scared he doesn't sound like a pig," Shawn argued.
"Do you think they're still alive?" the Doctor asked, sounding dubious.
"Heck, we ain't seen no bodies down here. Maybe they just got lost," Frank said naively.
"Or maybe their killer cut them up into little bitty pieces," Gus suggested, shivering.
"Or maybe there really is an alligator down here," Shawn added.
Gus glared at him. "Not helping, Shawn."
"What?" Shawn asked innocently. "You were the one talking about cutting people up."
"It could be a Sweeney Todd situation," the Doctor remarked. "The price of meat can't be cheap and he could not only make a fortune but make a dent in all the poverty-ridden."
Solomon and Frank quickly backed up.
"I didn't say I thought it was a good idea!" the Doctor said hastily. "It's just a play."
"I will never understand high culture," Frank said, shaking his head.
"There are many, many things you will never understand," Shawn told him.
"It's not his fault you're making reverences from post-1930," Gus claimed.
"That may be so but it is still annoying," Shawn said firmly.
"Hey, I think I see one of them," Solomon said, shining his flashlight on a huddling figure in a corner. The figure appeared to be a man with the face of a pig-human hybrid.
"Oh, what are you?" the Doctor asked, intrigued.
"Is that some sort of carnival mask?" Solomon asked, obviously uncomfortable.
"If we say no will you start throwing rotten fruit at him and beating him?" Shawn asked rhetorically.
"Not in the Great Depression, they wouldn't," the Doctor said absently.
"Really, Shawn? A Disney reference?" Gus couldn't believe it.
"It just seemed to fit the situation best," Shawn defended. "Don't be elitist."
"Says the guy who won't let Frank talk to him for the high crime of living in 1930," Gus muttered.
"I'm sorry," the Doctor said sincerely even though this was not in any way his fault. "Now listen to me. I promise I can help. Now, who did this to you?"
"Doctor, while I'm sure we'd all like an answer to that, I think more of those things are closing in on us," Solomon told him. "We have to get out of here."
"Good idea," the Doctor said. "Now, all of you: come with me if you want to live."
"Terminator!" Shawn cheered as they took off running.
"Where are we going?" Gus cried out.
"This way," the Doctor said, turning right. "I see a ladder!" He quickly climbed the ladder and used his sonic screwdriver on the lid. Shawn, Gus, and Frank followed him up but as Solomon started to climb up the ladder, the pig men dragged him down with them.
"We have to go back for him!" Frank said immediately.
"I agree," Shawn said. "We did not lose the competent guy and get stuck with him."
"You know, usually it's only men who show an interest in Juliet you get this way around," Gus mused. "And I think going after him is a terrible idea. There are so many more of them than there are of us and none of us are armed. We won't be able to save him; we'll just share his fate."
"We can't just leave him," the Doctor agreed. He was about to put his foot back down into the tunnels when a blonde woman stepped out from the shadows.
"All right then, put 'em up," she said, holding a gun steady in her hands. "Hands in the air and no funny business."
The four immediately do as she said.
"Now tell me, you schmucks, what've you done with Lazlo?" she demanded.
"Please, nobody says 'schmucks' anymore," Shawn said dismissively.
"They do in 1930," Gus hissed. "And don't argue with a girl with a gun!"
"We would love to tell you," Frank told her, attempting a winning smile. "But…who's Lazlo?"
"Lazlo's my boyfriend, or was my boyfriend until two weeks ago. No letter, no good-bye, no nothin'. And I'm not stupid. I know some guys are just pigs but not my Lazlo. I mean, what kinda guy asks you to meet his mother before he vamooses?" the woman said, waving her gun around.
"Vamooses?" Shawn looked positively pained. "And I'm guessing that it would be the especially piggish sort. Of course, had he actually taken you to meet his mother and then done that then I'd think you had a point. Although…piggish sort…those pig people. The missing people. You think?"
"I'm not sure how they'd be doing it but it I could see that. They'd have to have a more technologically advanced backer, perhaps a time traveler or an alien. Or an alien time traveler," the Doctor mused.
"What are you two blathering on about?" the woman demanded.
"Maybe you should put the gun down," Gus said gently.
"Huh?" the woman looked surprised. "You mean this old thing. It's not real, you know, just a prop. Frankly it was either that or the spear and I thought this would make me look more intimidating. It takes strength to use a spear, you know."
Gus' eye twitched. "And you couldn't tell that that wasn't a gun?"
"Of course I could," Shawn replied. "Why do you think I felt secure enough to be bothered by her word choice?"
"And you didn't tell us because…?" Frank asked, looking irritated as well.
Shawn shrugged. "Wasn't really feeling it. Listen, who are you?"
"My name's Tallulah," Tallulah introduced.
"Lazlo and Tallulah," Shawn said, shaking his head. "There is no way anybody would really name their children that, even if it is eighty years ago."
"What are you people talking about?" Tallulah demanded. "And what did you mean by pig creatures?"
"We ran into these things that looked like people only with pig faces," Frank explained. "I guess they think your Lazlo might have been turned into one of them…somehow."
Tallulah stared at him. "…What?"
"Never mind, we'll figure it out," the Doctor told her. "Listen, I need to go back down there. It'll be dangerous but we need more information if we're ever going to find out what we're dealing with. If Lazlo is one of those pig creatures or if he's just down there at all then I'll find out for you. I promise."
"We'll stay here and keep Tallulah company," Gus volunteered.
Shawn turned around and indicated Gus do the same. "Do we have to?" he asked, making a face.
"What, you want to go back down there with all that radioactive slime and those pig creatures?" Gus asked incredulously.
"Well, no," Shawn admitted. "But I'm afraid that if we stay here then her voice will drive me to homicide."
Gus rolled his eyes. "You'll live."
Shawn nodded. "Oh, I know I will. I was really talking about her…"
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