Chapter Eight: The Lazarus Experiment
Disclaimer: I do not own Psych or Doctor Who.
"Do something!" Shawn said urgently.
"Like what?" Gus demanded. "I'm all out of excuses and you're much better at that kind of thing than I am."
"I know but I'm coming up empty," Shawn said, frustrated. "Probably because I'm still trying to figure out how I can convince him to get me a copy of that psychic paper…"
"It's never going to happen, Shawn," Gus said flatly.
Shawn rolled his eyes. "What, did you team up with my father to crush my dreams, now?"
"Why are you so insistent that we keep travelling with the Doctor?" Gus asked. "I mean, we're not getting paid for this and we could get killed! And you know that we can't do this forever. Sooner or later we'd need to stop."
"Yeah, I know," Shawn acknowledged. "But right now I'm having fun and I hate being forced to stop doing something before I want to."
"We're here," the Doctor announced, gesturing towards the door. "End of the line."
Shawn sighed. "Fine…"
"Aren't you going to get out with us and make sure that you got us in the right spot and not someplace hundreds of years into the past?" Gus inquired when the Doctor looked like he wasn't planning on moving. "Or on another planet, for that matter?"
"I'll have you know that that almost never happens anymore!" the Doctor assured them.
Still, Gus didn't move. "I would feel so much better about this if you hadn't used the words 'almost' and 'anymore.'"
The Doctor nodded. "Well, why not? I always like seeing companion's rooms though I can't stay too long or it gets all domestic. Rooms are such wonderful insights into the psyche, you know."
"Hey, whose house did you drop us off at anyway?" Shawn wondered. "Because if it's my anywhere but Gus' place then he's going to need a ride…"
"I'm sure the TARDIS knows what she's doing," the Doctor said confidently, stepping outside of the TARDIS. "Well…I'm actually not quite sure what to say. I'm going to guess by the photographs that this is Gus' place but other than that…Well, I shouldn't judge, I suppose."
"Oh, what aren't we judging?" Shawn asked eagerly, stepping out of the TARDIS as well. He took in the light-blue walls, the bright orange drapes, the pictures of people he had never met adorning the room, and the female underwear all over the room. "The fact that we are so very clearly not anywhere I have ever seen before?"
"You're not?" the Doctor asked uncertainly. "I could have sworn I told the TARDIS to take you both home."
"Well we're not," Gus said flatly. "I've never been here, either. Although I wouldn't mind living in a place that smelled this nice, let me tell you."
"I guess the TARDIS has voted to keep us," Shawn said smugly. "And who are you to tell her who she can and cannot let travel aboard her anyway?"
"She has not," the Doctor disagreed. "She just clearly made a mistake, is all."
"I believe that the TARDIS is perfect and would never make a mistake," Shawn said boldly.
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Stop sucking up."
"It would only be sucking up if I didn't mean it and if you think that I don't mean it that must mean that you don't think it's true," Shawn deduced. "Really, it's a wonder she takes you anywhere with that clearly horrible opinion you have of her."
"I do not have a…you know what, we're not talking about this," the Doctor decided, shaking his head. "Okay, back in the TARDIS. Let's try this taking you home thing again, shall we?"
"I'd rather we didn't, actually," Shawn told him. "And what are you going to do if the TARDIS refuses to take us home? Keep us with you forever?"
"Shouldn't that prospect bother you a little?" the Doctor asked. "I mean, I know you're having fun and all but do you really want to do this forever?"
"Not really," Shawn admitted. "Well…probably not. But until I want to go back home then I really don't need to worry about anything. So what would you do?"
The Doctor shrugged. "I suppose I could always just drop you off somewhere and trust you to find your own way back. Right now it's only been about twelve hours since I took you. Course I did promise Sarah Jane that I wouldn't do that anymore. Maybe if the TARDIS will take me to see her I could explain the situation and see if she thinks this is an exception?"
"Could you guys keep it down, I'm trying to watch this," Gus told them, gesturing towards the television.
The Doctor and Shawn obligingly stopped talking and glanced at the screen.
An elderly man was standing in front of a crowd of reporters and looking very pleased with himself. "Tonight, I will demonstrate a device that, with the push of a single button, will change what it means to be human."
Shawn snorted. "How pretentious can you be?"
"It might be more than just grandstanding, Shawn," Gus told him. "I've heard about this project before. It's headed by Professor Richard Lazarus and, appropriately enough, is called the Lazarus Project."
"But what's it do?" the Doctor asked curiously.
"It's supposed to work as a fountain of youth sort of thing," Gus explained. "A lot of people thought that Lazarus was outright crazy when he first proposed this a few months back but the Naismiths believed in him and so they funded pretty much the entire project. I guess tonight we'll see if it worked."
"Redefining what it means to be human…" the Doctor repeated absently.
"Yeah, cool stuff," Shawn agreed. "Gus and I will have to check it out tonight and then we'll just get a flight back home."
"You mean I'll get us a flight back home with my credit card," Gus corrected.
"Gus, I think that the Doctor's known us both long enough by now to know that without us needing to spell it out," Shawn told him. "So really, Doctor, go off into the great unknown. We'll be fine, really."
The Doctor looked torn. He took a few faltering steps towards his TARDIS before he stopped. "Alright, fine. I really should look into this. Humans making themselves young again is just…unnatural."
"Says the guy who apparently regenerates when on the point of death himself," Shawn said pointedly.
"That's different," the Doctor insisted. "That's more of a biological ability and besides, we've had it for ages."
"Well depending on how this works it might activate some sort of biological mechanism and if it works than in a thousand years we'll have had it for ages as well," Gus argued.
"I think he's just being elitist," Shawn complained.
"You know what? I think so, too," Gus agreed.
The Doctor sighed. "And you two can come with me."
"That's all we ask," Shawn said, grinning. "Now we should probably move the TARDIS somewhere else before whoever lives here comes back…"
"Nibbles!" the Doctor exclaimed happily, grabbing a handful off of a passing tray and shoving them in his mouth.
Shawn shook his head in bemusement. "You are never going to get a date that way."
"I don't want a date," the Doctor claimed. "I want to stop this mons…I mean, I want to thoughtfully observe what Professor Lazarus is doing and only step in if absolutely necessary."
"Remember, Shawn, he's still on the rebound," Gus cautioned him.
"I am not!" the Doctor insisted.
Gus raised an eyebrow. "Oh no? Then perhaps you'd be so kind as to tell us what Rose looks like? Or her last name? Or what happened to her? Or how you met? Or really anything about her. At all."
The Doctor immediately began fussing with his cuffs. "I hate black tie affairs."
"I don't," Shawn said, allowing him to change the subject. "I look awesome in a tux. Although I'm not a big fan of the kinds of things they make you sit through at these things. I hope there's not a lecture…"
"So you like the black tie part but not the affair aspect," Gus surmised.
"I wouldn't mind a lecture," the Doctor told them. "In fact, I love lectures just as long as the person speaking knows what he's talking about and I'd like to learn a little more about this Lazarus Project. It's just that whenever I get dressed up like this, something bad happens."
"And yet that hasn't turned you off of your regular suits," Gus noted.
"Well of course not," the Doctor said, surprised. "I look stylish in those!"
Shawn nodded sagely. "Men like us are slaves to fashion."
"Shawn, the day we before we met the Doctor you walked around for two full hours with a huge mustard stain on your shirt until I agreed to go buy you another one," Gus pointed out.
Shawn shrugged. "What can I say? I'm on a budget."
Gus laughed incredulously. "Since when?"
"Since I didn't want to have to pay for a new shirt," Shawn replied matter-of-factly. "Seriously, dude, how long have you known me?"
Gus nodded his head, acknowledging the point.
"I've got to say, this looks like a pretty exclusive kind of event," Shawn noted. "It's sure lucky that you had something like the psychic paper to help you get in. If we were back in Santa Barbara we probably would have had to impersonate the wait staff and then had all sorts of hilarious hijinks."
"Yes, it sure was," the Doctor agreed mildly, not taking the bait. "Hey, is it just me or does that look like a sonic microfield manipulator?"
Shawn and Gus exchanged a glance. "It's just you," they said simultaneously.
"Everything's always sonic with you, isn't it?" Shawn asked rhetorically. "What do you have against all the other senses, anyway?"
The Doctor was spared having to reply as there was a loud tapping on a glass – more blatantly pro-sound propaganda – and they all turned to the ancient professor to see what he had to say.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am Professor Richard Lazarus and tonight I'm going to perform a miracle. It is, I believe, the most important advance since Rutherford split the atom, the biggest leap since Armstrong stood on the moon. Tonight, you will watch and wonder. Tomorrow, you'll awake to a world which will be changed forever," Lazarus declared as grandly as he could given his soft voice.
"Splitting the atom…doesn't that blow things up?" Shawn asked quietly.
Lazarus stepped into his giant machine and shut the door behind him. Two female technicians standing behind a nearby control panel started the machinery. Instantly, a high-pitched whir began to sound and a bright blue light kept flashing as the four pillars of the machine began to spin individually creating what looked to be an energy field. The pillars rotated ever faster as the people watched – when the light wasn't so bright they had to shield their eyes – until a warning klaxon went off.
"Something's wrong," the Doctor said unnecessarily. "It's overloading. Be back in a minute."
The technicians scrambled to try to stabilize the machine but everywhere they looked sparks were flying. The Doctor jumped over the panel and pulled out his sonic-screwdriver to try and fix the problem.
"Somebody stop him!" an old lady standing nearby cried out hysterically. "Get him away from those controls!"
Gus stared at her. "Seriously? Everything's malfunctioning, the technicians don't have a clue, and somebody who looks like they actually know what they're doing comes along and you want him to get away from the controls?"
"Yeah," Shawn added suspiciously. "It's almost like you're trying to sabotage this project."
"Don't be absurd!" the woman scoffed. "I am Lady Thaw, Joshua Naismith's personal representative on this project."
Shawn shrugged. "I've seen more convoluted murder attempts. Let me guess: you love him and he couldn't care less, especially once he magically turns young."
"That's just not true!" Lady Thaw thundered.
"Got it open!" the Doctor called out.
Someone ran to the door and pulled it open. A lot of smoke came out of it and then finally Lazarus himself came stumbling out looking a lot blonder and less wrinkled than he had previously. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am Richard Lazarus. I am 76 years old and I am reborn!"
"You know, he sounds almost exactly the same at forty-something as he did at seventy-six," Shawn remarked.
Gus turned to him. "Really, Shawn? That's what you're choosing to focus on?"
"What else should I be focusing on?" Shawn asked, mystified.
"The fact that Richard Lazarus has just changed what it means to be human," the Doctor said grimly.
"I'm famished," Lazarus was saying as Gus, Shawn, and the Doctor approached him.
"Energy deficit. Always happens with this kind of process," the Doctor said, forcibly inserting himself into the conversation Lazarus was having with Lady Thaw.
"You speak as if you see this every day, Mr.…" Lazarus prompted.
"Doctor, actually," the Doctor corrected. "And, well, no, not every day, but I have some experience in this kind of transformation."
"That's not possible," Lazarus said flatly.
"Given that an hour ago you were practically on death's door and now you're more on death's driveway, are you really sure you should be making those kinds of pronouncements?" Shawn asked him.
Lazarus frowned. "I see your point. That's highly improbable."
"And yet it's true," the Doctor replied. "Much like your work, actually. Using hypersonic sound waves to create a state of resonance, right? That's brilliant."
Lazarus smiled at that. "Thank you. I take it you understand the theory, then? Not many do."
"I understand it enough to know that you couldn't possibly have allowed for all the variables," the Doctor said accusingly.
"No experiment is entirely without risk," Lazarus said, unconcerned.
"That thing nearly exploded. You might as well have stepped into a blender!" the Doctor explained.
"You're not qualified to comment," Lady Thaw said frostily.
"I'd be careful of that one if I were you," Shawn said, nodding her way. "She tried to stop the Doctor from saving you. We think she might want you dead."
Lady Thaw squawked indignantly.
"I think that this shows just how qualified I am to comment," the Doctor said, waving the psychic paper in their faces. "But then, it's not like you could have realized that from the fact that I saved Lazarus' life and very probably stopped the machine from exploding earlier."
"You saved me?" Lazarus inquired, glancing over at Lady Thaw who reluctantly nodded. "Then you have my thanks. But that's a simple engineering issue. What happened inside the capsule was exactly what was supposed to happen. No more, no less."
"It doesn't really matter if what happened to you was supposed to happen or not because if I hadn't intervened then it would have killed you and no one would have been very interested in your potentially good-looking corpse," the Doctor said chastised him. "This is some of the sloppiest science I have ever seen and believe me I have seen some sloppy science in my day."
"It is not!" Lazarus argued, outraged.
"It really is," the Doctor said firmly. "I mean, it's one thing not to run proper tests if it's a do-or-die situation but this really wasn't. You have funding, you have promising results, you have scientific guidelines you have to follow! You clearly have never run the experiment before but have you run it on sufficiently-similar animals? I'm guessing not or the machine wouldn't have overloaded tonight."
"It was my risk to take," Lazarus said, not answering the question. "It would have been unethical of me to use someone else to test this if I had not explained the risks or done all of the tests but I knew what could happen and I felt it was worth it."
"Even if you wanted to be the star by de-aging yourself in public, it's still highly irresponsible to do your first human test – let alone your first test period – in front of all these people who could have been hurt or even killed," the Doctor continued.
"And think how embarrassing it would have been if it hadn't worked," Gus said, speaking more to where he thought Lazarus' interest lie. "The project would be a joke, funding would be jeopardized, and even if you did manage to get it to work properly it wouldn't receive anything like the attention it's getting now."
"All these 'if thens' and 'might have beens' are highly unnecessary in light of the very basic fact that I did it," Lazarus insisted. "Maybe it didn't work perfectly but the point was that it worked. Just because we didn't do any of the necessary tests and confirm the safety before I used it doesn't mean we won't before we start using this commercially."
"It will have to be properly certified before we go public or that would just be asking for a lawsuit," Lady Thaw agreed.
"Commercially?" Gus couldn't believe it. "That would cause all kinds of chaos."
"Not chaos. Change. A chance for humanity to evolve, to improve," Lazarus said dreamily.
"This isn't about improving," the Doctor accused. "It's about you and your customers living a little longer. And if it has to be artificially implanted then it really doesn't fit the bill for 'evolving.'"
"Not a little longer, Doctor. A lot longer. Perhaps indefinitely," Lazarus declared.
"Am I the only one who had to read Vonnegut's 'Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow'?" Shawn demanded. "Letting people live forever or even just for centuries would be a horrible idea! Think of the overpopulation and the lack of resources!"
"Who am I to keep my creation from the world?" Lazarus asked nobly.
"Richard, we have things to discuss. Upstairs," Lady Thaw said abruptly, walking away from the group.
"How rude," Gus said, frowning.
"Goodbye, Doctor. In a few years, you'll look back and laugh at how wrong you were," Lazarus said as he moved to follow her.
"Are you sure you should be alone with her?" Shawn called after him.
"Why do so many of the smart ones have to be so bloody stupid?" the Doctor demanded. "I just don't understand it."
"I think it's because they know just how smart they are and so think that they're infallible and make stupid mistakes because of it," Shawn theorized.
Gus coughed pointedly.
"What?" Shawn asked blankly.
"This building must be full of laboratories," the Doctor told them. "I say we need to perform our own tests. First thing's first: getting a sample of Lazarus' DNA post-de-aging. If any of us was a woman, Lazarus probably would have kissed our hand; he's been doing that with all the women he encounters since he emerged."
"How about the glass he was just drinking out of?" Shawn asked. "It's sitting over there on that table."
The Doctor shrugged. "That's just as good, I guess."
"This is amazing," the Doctor breathed as he stared at the screen that displayed Lazarus' DNA read-out.
"I don't know what any of this means," Shawn complained. "But I'm pretty sure that it isn't supposed to change. Did the computer glitch?"
"No," Gus realized, staring in horror at the DNA. "The DNA did. Lazarus' DNA is unstable. This can't be good."
The Doctor waited. "Aren't either of you going to say that it's impossible?" he asked hopefully.
Shawn and Gus exchanged a look.
"We would but we try to keep conscious of the fact that we're talking to a time-travelling alien," Gus told him. "Doctor, do you have any idea how he managed to change his own molecular pattern?"
"Hypersonic sound waves to destabilize the cell structure then a mutagenic program to manipulate the coding in the protein strands," the Doctor explained.
Shawn blinked. "Hable por favor en inglés."
"Basically, he hacked into his own genes and instructed them to rejuvenate," the Doctor clarified.
"But he has no idea what he's doing and now they're mutating," Shawn concluded. "That could either kill him or cause him to kill someone else."
"He did say he was famished earlier," Gus added. "And he went upstairs with Lady Thaw."
"That is such a stupid name," Shawn remarked.
"Either way, we have to find her. She may be in danger," the Doctor told them.
"Kind of ironic given the fact that she wanted to kill him," Shawn said as they took off in search of the pair.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Gus screamed.
"I take it you've found Lady Thaw?" the Doctor asked, glancing Gus' way.
Gus pointed down in front of him.
The Doctor and Shawn came over to get a view that wasn't obscured by the desk (and Shawn screamed as well).
"Lady Thaw," the Doctor murmured. "Or what's left of her. She's had all of her energy drained out, sort of like squeezing all the juice from an orange."
Gus made a face. "Lovely imagery."
"All this mutating requires energy. I don't know if Lady Thaw will be enough. All of those people downstairs might be in trouble. I don't think we should take the risk either way," the Doctor said seriously. "We should-" He broke off as an elevator came up.
Lazarus stepped out of the elevator with a young black woman. "You seem very young to have such a responsible position. Have you much experience?"
"Hey, I saw her picture in that woman's apartment this morning," Shawn exclaimed.
The woman turned to him in confusion. "Excuse me?"
"Never mind," Gus said quickly.
"What are you three doing here?" Lazarus asked them, a bit irritated. "Searching for clues that this isn't a good idea?"
"We did a bit of that, yeah," the Doctor agreed. "And we found that your DNA isn't stabilized yet and that your mutations require you to drain the energy from people until it does. People like Lady Thaw. People like your young companion."
The woman's eyes bulged. "What? You have got to be joking."
"Not really," Shawn said casually. "There's a dried-out husk of a corpse right over there."
"I'll pass," the woman said, making a face.
"This is preposterous!" Lazarus objected. "You're just reaching now, trying to come up with some way of shutting me down and your baseless accusations will get you nowhere." He spasmed suddenly.
"A-are you alright?" the woman asked.
"No, he's not," Shawn told her ruefully. "He's transforming into a monster. But I don't think I caught your name…"
"It's Tish," Tish introduced. "Leticia, actually. Leticia Jones."
"It's very nice to meet you, Tish," Shawn said, grinning at her. "My name is Shawn Spencer and this is my partner, Dwayne Hicks. Oh, and that's the Doctor."
Tish was about to say something when she heard a sound behind her and spun around. She covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh my God!"
The young-ish and vaguely-attractive Lazarus was no longer standing there. In his place was some sort of mutated creature with a humanoid face and looked like some odd cross between a human skeleton and a scorpion.
"Here's a thought," the Doctor told them. "Run!"
Behind them, Lazarus started banging on the door, trying to get in after them causing the security alarms to go off.
"What's that mean?" the Doctor asked.
"Uh, an intrusion. It triggers a security lockdown. Kills most of the power. Stops the lifts. Seals the exits," Tish told them.
"Perfect," Shawn said, annoyed. "The security is going to get us killed."
"Let's take the stairs," Gus suggested. "There's only a matter of time before he breaks through the door and nobody even knows about this."
There was a loud crash.
"And…that's the door," the Doctor announced.
They practically flew down the stairs.
"Tish! Is there another way out of here?" the Doctor asked urgently.
Tish thought back. "There's an exit in the corner, but it'll be locked now."
The Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver, was about to toss it in Shawn's direction, but tossed it to Gus instead.
"Hey!" Shawn objected.
"Sorry but I knew you'd never give it back," the Doctor said semi-apologetically. "Setting 54."
"It has settings?" Shawn asked, awed. "At least 54 of them?"
Shawn, Gus, and Tish ran off to go get the door unlocked.
"Over here!" Shawn shouted. "This way, people!"
"Stay away from them, Lazarus!" the Doctor cried out. "What's the point if you can't control it? The mutation's too strong. Killing those people won't help you. You're a fool, a vain old man who thought he could defy Nature. Only Nature got her own back, didn't she? You're a joke, Lazarus! A footnote in the history of failure!"
"Well, that ought to do it," Gus murmured as he watched an enraged Lazarus take off after the Doctor. "Let's go!"
They kept running until they reached the main entrance.
"We can't get out! We're trapped!" Tish said, horrified.
"That would be a horrible design flaw," Shawn told her. "And probably a fire code violation. Listen to me: where's the security desk? There's probably an override switch there."
"Over there," Tish said, pointing to the desk.
"…I knew that," Shawn said. He and Gus went over to the security desk and Gus used the screwdriver to open the door letting all the trapped people escape.
"We're going to have to go chasing after the Doctor even though it's clear he would want us to leave with everyone else, aren't we?" Gus asked, sounding resigned.
"How else are we supposed to convince him that we're indispensible, Gus? Fate has given us a second chance to keep traveling with him and I, for one, do not intend to waste it!" Shawn declared passionately.
Gus ran smack into the Doctor as he exited a room.
"What are you doing here?" the Doctor asked, shocked.
"We heard the explosion," Shawn told him. "We couldn't resist."
"But since we're here, we might as well return this to you," Gus said, handing back the sonic screwdriver.
"Dude, that wasn't part of the plan!" Shawn complained.
"And that right there is why I entrusted this with you and not Shawn," the Doctor noted.
"So what was that explosion?" Gus wondered.
"I blasted Lazarus," the Doctor explained.
"So is he-" Gus started to say before Lazarus crashed down the hall. "Guess not."
"I'm not positive but I think that we might have been here before," Shawn commented as they reached the reception area again. "I wonder if they have any food left. All this running around is making me famished. Though I mean the normal kind of famished and not the freaky-Lazarus kind, of course."
Lazarus burst into the room right on their tails.
"We can't lead him outside," the Doctor said anxiously.
"Well we can't stay here!" Gus pointed out.
"In here!" the Doctor said, running into Lazarus' machine.
"Are you crazy?" Gus asked as he followed him in. "This is the thing that mutated Lazarus in the first place!"
"Well, let's just hope he doesn't turn it on then," the Doctor said as he shut the door tight behind Shawn. "Although technically since the machine hasn't been fixed we'd just end up dying if it were turned on."
"That's not really any better!" Gus cried out.
"This was so not meant for three people," Shawn complained. "Everyone's everything's in my everything!"
The Doctor paused. "What?"
"You and Gus have your various feet, hands, arms, elbows, legs, and the like in my face, stomach, arm, leg, the like," Shawn clarified. "I was trying to be more concise."
"Why are we in here again?" Gus wanted to know. "I mean, we can't be hiding because he saw us come in here and I don't know if Lazarus is mindless or not but even animals can remember something like that."
"Yeah, it really feels like we're just sitting ducks here," Shawn criticized.
"Well…we are. A little," the Doctor conceded. "But this is his masterpiece, his life's work. Would he really destroy it just to get to us?"
"Even if he doesn't, we can't stay in here forever!" Gus exclaimed.
"I'm sure I'll think of something eventually," the Doctor said dismissively. "Or he'll leave and we can escape then. And…I've got it! I know it's crowded but try to give me as much room as you can." The Doctor dropped to his knees and used his sonic screwdriver to pull up a panel at the bottom of the machine. "I'm sorry but isn't anybody going to ask me to explain what happened to Lazarus?"
"Actually, we came up with a nice back-story for him where his dad was some sort of shape-shifting scorpion alien and his mom was a human. His dad died right before his mom found out she was pregnant but he seemed perfectly normal until he messed with his DNA tonight," Shawn explained.
"But if you want to tell us what really happened then that's fine, too," Gus assured him.
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Thanks for that. Lazarus' mutation is strictly human. There are a lot of dormant genes in human DNA and one of them – or more than one of them – activated tonight due to the energy field. It looks like it's becoming dominant even though evolution rejected it long, long ago."
A blue light filled the capsule.
"He started it didn't he?" Gus asked, looking faintly terrified. "Shawn, this is all your fault."
"Me? I'm not the one who didn't let Lazarus blow up in the first place," Shawn said, inclining his head towards the Doctor.
"Well I didn't know that this would happen!" the Doctor told them curtly. "Nearly there…"
"We're going to die," Gus complained.
"Not if I can just finish this," the Doctor said. "And not like you asked but I'm trying to set the capsule to reflect energy rather than receive it. When he transforms, he's three times his size—cellular triplication—so he's spreading himself thin. Just one more…there." The Doctor pulled one last wire and the capsule stopped moving.
Shawn opened the door and the trio slowly stepped out, keeping an eye out for Lazarus just in case.
"It's okay, guys, he's dead," Shawn announced. "He is also naked but he grew to be humungous so I guess that's only to be expecting. He is lying on his front so I say we count our blessings."
"He looks so human," Gus said, taking care to only look at the top half of Lazarus' body. "Almost…pitiful."
"Eliot saw that, too. 'This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper,'" the Doctor quoted.
"I bet you were actually there to hear him say it," Shawn said.
"No," the Doctor denied quickly. "Well…okay, fine. But it was bloody brilliant, I'll tell you that."
"What do we do with him?" Gus asked, gesturing towards Lazarus' corpse.
"We call the police – if they haven't been summoned already – and then we let them take Lazarus to the morgue," the Doctor replied.
Shawn and Gus exchanged a look.
"Are you sure that's the best plan?" Gus asked tentatively.
The Doctor frowned. "Pretty sure, yeah. Why?"
"Haven't you seen any alien movies?" Shawn demanded. "The creatures always looks to be dead but then you walk away and it's eye pops open. Every. Damn. Time."
"This isn't a movie, Shawn," the Doctor pointed out.
"Maybe not but do you really want to take the chance that that things comes back to life?" Shawn challenged. "You said he wasn't finished mutating. Maybe he'll mutate himself back to life."
"Shawn's right," Gus agreed. "And he hasn't reverted to his old appearance so the gene might still be active. If Lazarus comes back and kills someone else because we couldn't be bothered to make sure he was actually dead then it will be on all of our heads."
"But mostly yours," Shawn clarified.
"What do you propose we do?" the Doctor asked them. "Desecrate this poor man's corpse?"
"I wouldn't say 'desecrate', no," Shawn said slowly.
"Mostly because of all the negative connotations," Gus added.
"But surely you appreciate the risk of someone dissecting Lazarus and doing something with that unstable DNA," Shawn said persuasively. "And all we'd really have to do is a cremation which is really pretty common funeral practice anyway. He has no family to speak of, either."
The Doctor sighed. "Oh, alright. Better safe than sorry."
"So I still can't believe that you ended up trying to take us home in London," Shawn said, shaking his head. "I mean, I can understand getting a bit lost but you didn't even get the country right!"
The Doctor shrugged. "Most of my companions have been British."
"Admit it, the TARDIS just doesn't want to see us go," Shawn claimed. "Still, it wasn't all bad. Tish was great last night. And this morning. If I'm ever in London again, I'm looking her up."
"Well I don't know about that but I'm thinking that maybe we could take one more trip in the TARDIS before taking you both back home," the Doctor offered.
"Can it be a long trip where we don't have to bargain to keep going?" Gus asked him.
The Doctor grinned at them. "Oh, why not? I think I'll miss your attempts to keeping stalling, though."
"Can I have my own psychic paper since we'll be officially travelling with you and whatnot?" Shawn asked hopefully.
"Nope," the Doctor said breezily.
"Well, can we at least go to Space Disneyworld then?" Shawn requested.
"Shawn, what makes you think that there even is such a thing as-" Gus started to say.
"Which one?" the Doctor interrupted.
Shawn looked like Lassiter had finally admitted that he believed Shawn was psychic in the middle of his first date with Juliet on Christmas. "All of them."
"Allons-y!"
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