XVII. Mistake 14-Backtracking

Today was an interesting day to begin and end with. It was Thursday. Not any Thursday, but it was the Thursday of a rather important Transfiguration exam. I had gone to tutoring (unfortunately) on Tuesday which was now very uncomfortable since our mutual loathing for each other was no longer hastily disguised.

Psh. It's okay, I really don't need Emmeline anymore anyhow. Sirius and Peter were helping me study last night (mostly Sirius). They offered to get James, but I refused. You see, part of my plan on getting over him is avoiding him at all costs. I even skipped rounds last night because I told him I really needed to study.

That was partly true. Anyway, he had to patrol with Amos Diggory instead. Ha. He really doesn't like him, and to be honest, I'm not his biggest fan either. Selene still continues to spout off about him having some really good qualities. Then again, Selene is friends with Emmeline, so you know what I think of her judgment of character.

Actually, Amos ate breakfast with us Monday morning after Marlene bullied Selene into it. Nothing exciting happened, but Marlene kept whispering to me that she was going to 'accidentally' spill marmalade down his sweater. I convinced her not to, thankfully. Sometimes I can't tell when she's being serious and when she's joking. Either way, Selene would have been upset, so I'd rather avoid that entire argument as a whole.

Anyway, I digress. This Transfiguration exam, right? I was nervous as hell and tried not to think about it, but I think Selene could tell because I was twitchy at breakfast.

"Don't be nervous, you've studied loads," Selene assured me, smiling gently, "Brighten up."

Ha. Easy for her to say. She never needed a tutor...nor is she in Transfiguration.

Marlene just rolled her eyes, "Here, drink some juice and eat a muffin." I took it from her wordlessly and just stared at it, "You should eat it. It's not helpful if it isn't in your stomach. You know what they say—"

"Never sit on a Hungarian Horntail?" Sirius suggested, slipping into a seat next to me, "You look fabulous, love. Looking nice for Bob?"

"Who's Bob?" James asked frowning, joining us and taking a seat across from me, next to Marlene, "Evans doesn't have a boyfriend?" he asked sharply, looking around the table. He coughed, "I mean, er, right, Lily?" he asked in a less harsh tone, trying to catch my eye. Why did he care anyway?

I forced myself to tear my gaze away from Sirius and managed a weak smile, "No worries. Sirius is just being daft as usual." Great. I hate Sirius and Marlene so much at this moment. James is really the last thing I need to worry about when I'm about to fail my Transfiguration exam.

"Figures," Peter grumbled, taking the last open seat at our end of the table. I glanced around.

"Where's Remus?"

"Ill," Sirius replied without hesitation as he began piling breakfast onto his plate.

"How was studying?" James asked me.

"Fine," I said, still frowning, wondering how Remus could be ill, today of all days! "Does he realize that he's going to miss the Transfiguration exam?" I mean, he already missed so much school. He couldn't really afford to be missing an exam!

"We told Minnie," Sirius said, frowning at me, "And you better be ready for that exam after we helped you study last night."

"You helped her?" James asked, raising his eyebrows at Peter and Sirius. He looked amused, "Padfoot actually helped someone with their homework?"

"Oy, I've helped Peter before!" he said, looking a little sour at his friend's disbelief.

Peter nodded, "Yeah, but James is definitely the better tutor…no offense Sirius."

Sirius snorted, "Just because it took you ages to transform—" he broke off.

Both James and Peter were looking at Sirius in something similar to badly masked horror. What had been Peter trying to transfigure? Probably some prank they didn't want me to know about. That was the least of my worries. After all, this Transfiguration exam could determine my life. So...no big deal. If I failed, McGonagall was going to kick me out of her class for sure. Then I wouldn't get all the NEWTS I need. Although, I really have no idea what I'm doing with my life anyway. Perhaps I won't even need Transfiguration. Instead of dwelling on this, I turn to the three troublemakers, trying to sound stern.

"You three really need to quit doing things that'll get you in trouble. James, you're going to get your Head Boy badge taken away," I added stiffly. James just laughed.

"Oh Evans," he said, grinning at me, "Come on, you need to eat up. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day."

I frowned at him, and Marlene gave me a smug look before everyone went back to eating. I tried to eat. I really did, but I was feeling the anxiety for my upcoming exam coming again. Maybe I was going to be ill...then I could join Remus in the Hospital Wing. I'm sure McGonagall would excuse me as well. Of course, when I whispered this to Marlene, she ignored me by rolling her eyes.

Eventually, Marlene shuffled me away and we headed to the dreadful class that is Transfiguration. Emmeline, thankfully, sat nowhere near us, so I didn't have to see her awful smirking face. She probably knew I was going to fail.

Why even bother?

As the rest of the class came in, I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be stuck with Emmeline for the rest of the year. I needed to get at least an E to try and convince McGonagall that I didn't need a tutor. Maybe I could ask McGonagall if Sirius can tutor me instead. She'd probably think I'm some sort of head case for wanting him as my tutor. Anyone sounds better…well…except maybe James. That could be something close to torturous.

Speaking of torturous…

"Miss Evans," Professor McGonagall said curtly, handing me my exam as she bean passing them out. I swallowed and picked up my quill. Well, here goes nothing.

However, twenty minutes later, I found that I was doing reasonably well. Perhaps Sirius had been helpful after all!

Or perhaps after all this tutoring I was finally retaining information. Feeling rather pleased, I turned in my exam right after Emmeline who looked surprised.

I think she thought I was a hopeless case. I can be taught…even by the likes of her. Ha. Although, I really probably wouldn't terribly mind her if she wasn't currently dating James. Well, I suppose I can't have everything in life.

I'd rather pass Transfiguration than date James Potter.

I think.

Although if I was dating him, he could tutor me and then I wouldn't have to fail Transfiguration. Unable to quell my curiosity, I turned around to see catch a glimpse of the git.

He was doodling on a spare piece of parchment. I think he could feel my eyes on him, strangely enough, because he glanced up, frowning slightly. When he spotted me, he grinned and gave me a thumbs up. I grinned back and nodded to show that the exam had gone well. He actually looked pleased and gave me a sincere smile. My stomach tingled. You know those butterflies people talk about? I think I must have about a thousand of them fluttering about in there. Annoying, really.

I turned back towards the front, trying to not think about how my cheeks might be turning red. This really was going have to stop, I thought miserably. How was a girl supposed to function like this?

Either way, I was glad when the bell rang. I had to go collect my thoughts. I told Marlene something about going to the library to return a book, but in reality, I took a nice, leisurely walk around the castle. Mainly, I was thinking about what I should do about James.

I know, I know. I was going to be good and give up on him entirely, but every time I see him, I begin to change my mind. Of course, now that I've got my wits together, I'm starting to doubt the whole fancying thing again.

How can I fancy someone I used to loathe?

He's changed, I tell myself.

Hmphf. Right.

Meanwhile, while I continued this onward debate in my brain I ran into none other than James Potter himself. I made a weird sound as soon as I spotted him rounding the corner. Obviously, I turned the other way and began walking—rapidly.

"Evans?" he called. I cringed. Perhaps if I just kept walking he'd mistake me for another seventh year redhead. Er—hopefully? "Lily, hold up!"

I made myself stop, "Oh, hello there," I said as if I hadn't noticed him before, "I'm in a bit of a rush…must be going."

James looked bewildered as I scampered off. However, I think it's rude of him to try and talk to me when I'm obviously trying to sort out my feelings for him. It's just inconsiderate. It also makes thinking straight a little harder.

Ah, hell. I give up. I'm just going to go find Marlene.

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The two days I've managed to avoid James Potter rather successfully if you ask me. I don't know why he keeps trying to talk to me. I mean, he and Emmeline aren't arguing over whatever their squabble was about after the game last weekend. They're like two peas in a pod again. Urgh. Gag me.

On another and equally unhappy note, Petunia is getting married. She sent me a rather rude letter this morning.

She's my older sister, and if I'm completely honest, I never thought this day would come. Pet? Married? It's mind-boggling. If you met her, you would understand.

I was still thinking about it at rounds that evening because James noticed. Oh, yes, I couldn't get Remus to cover me (believe me, I tried). Rude.

"What's wrong?" James asked after we'd walked in silence for a few minutes.

I blinked, "Wrong? Nothing."

"Oh," he paused, stopping and I slowed as well, "You're quiet," he pointed out.

"Oh…" I'd just been thinking about how now I would be related to Vernon Dursley. Urgh. I'd met him once…it hadn't been an overall pleasant experience. I think I might've grimaced though because James laughed.

"Seriously," he asked, "What's up?" he said, nudging me, his lips curving upward. I didn't say anything for a moment, and he sighed, "Are you mad at me, Lily?"

I turned to him in surprise, "N-no…of course not. Why?"

"Oh," he shrugged, "You've sort of been avoiding me."

"Have I?" I asked, trying to feign ignorance. I was sort of hoping it hadn't been that obvious, "I've just been busy…"

"Remus told me you were trying to switch rounds with him," he accused.

I blinked, "Er—well…I just…I don't think Emmeline likes us being friends," I said which I'm sure was true due to all the dirty looks she's continued to give me.

He stared at me for a long moment and then laughed, "You're ignoring me because of Emmeline? She's just being…" he trailed off, "We're mates," he said firmly, "She's not allowed to tell me who I can and can't be friends with."

I said nothing but continued our patrols in silence. Finally I couldn't help but ask, "What have you two been rowing about?"

He glanced at me, "So I'm supposed to tell you about my problems but you can't tell me yours?" he asked, arching his eyebrows.

"Er—"

"She's jealous…she gets angry when I talk to you or Marlene. She's jealous when I hang out with the guys. I told her I needed breathing room, and she assumed I meant we were breaking up—I mean," he sighed, "She was different than any girl I've dated. She's actually smart and well…nice, but recently…" he sighed again falling into silence for a moment. He glanced at me, but I think my face managed to remain semi blank. I just nodded, trying to look thoughtful as if contemplating some...er...helpful advice. After all, what was I supposed to say? Oh, just drop her? She's not worth it? I think I'm a little biased. "I didn't mean to complain to you about my girlfriend," he said suddenly, looking preoccupied. He glanced at me to gouge my reaction.

Urgh. His girlfriend. Don't remind me…although…why is he talking to me about Emmeline? Besides the fact that I asked him about it…he could have just said 'none of your business, Evans' and I wouldn't have been angry. Well, perhaps only a little.

"It's alright…I don't mind," I said, giving him a sincere smile. He smiled back—not his annoying cocky grin but just a nice, pleasant smile. I think I just melted a little. Merlin's pants.

"So…what's been on your mind," he asked me again as we turned took the stairs to the third floor. I just shrugged, but he was looking at me with those large hazel eyes, and I found myself talking anyway—unwillingly of course.

"My older sister, Petunia, is getting married," I said with a shrug.

"Oh," he frowned, "Is that a bad thing?"

"Er—I haven't decided. I got a letter from her—" I broke off. She'd sent me a letter asking me not to come home over winter break because she had wedding planning to do, and she didn't want me hanging around if she could help it, "Never mind, it's stupid," I muttered, not looking at him anymore.

James didn't seem to believe me, but he let it slide, "Are you and your sister close?"

Me and Petunia? I snorted, "As if."

"Ah," James looked thoughtful now, "Why not?"

I frowned slightly, trying to decide if I should tell him. I mean, it wasn't a huge deal, but I didn't really talk to anyone here about my sister. I'd complained to my mates about her, but I felt odd not having even told them about Petunia's letter yet, "She doesn't like me because I'm a witch." James looked confused, so I added, "She thinks I'm a freak. Anyway, she told me she didn't want me home for Christmas. She thinks I'm going to scare away her fiancé with my…ahem…freakishness."

"Are you joking?" he asked.

"Unfortunately no," I said, laughing. It wasn't very funny though.

"She's mad," he said shaking his head. I just shrugged again, not really in the mood to talk about Petunia any longer. He persisted though, "So what are you going to do?"

"About what?" I asked absently.

"Over break?"

"Oh…well, I didn't really fancy staying here all break…I'll probably go home anyway. My mum would be upset otherwise. Petunia will just be furious with me, but it's nothing new," I said, giving him a small smile. He wasn't smiling back. He was frowning.

"I can't believe your own sister—"

"It's not that big of a deal," I interrupted, "I don't feel like talking about Petunia anyway." That much was true. Thinking about our un-sisterly like relationship depressed me. I'd rather not be depressed around the love of my life (I'm exaggerating of course—I am NOT in love despite what Marlene or anyone else might say).

He nodded. Then, being the dashing, wonderful boy he is he changed the subject to much more interesting things (not Quidditch). He really knows how to lifts someone's spirits because he kept telling me stories about some of the dumb things Sirius had gotten them into making my sides split from hysterics. By the ends of rounds, I found myself loosing control and backtracking on the whole not fancying thing. Eh...I should have seen this coming, shouldn't I?

I was never going to be able to just 'give up' on James. Especially when he smiles at me like that. It isn't fair.

We were heading back to the Gryffindor Tower, and I smiled at him, "Er—thanks, James."

He looked surprised, "For what?"

I just smiled and turned to the portrait hole to say the password. I did turn to him before climbing in though and said, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Lily," I heard him say behind me as the portrait hole closed after me.

He didn't follow in behind me.

I'm sure he's going to go see Emmeline.

I think my heart is going to break, and I wish I had never, ever fancied James Potter. I wish he wasn't so wonderful. I wish he wasn't dating the most perfect girl in school, and I wish that he was still in love with me.

It's all occurring to me right now that I'm too late. I can't give him up, yet I don't think I can have him either. I sit next to Marlene in the common room. She is chatting with Sirius and being all flirty. Surprise, surprise.

Remus sat next to me and asked if I was alright. I just said that I was tired and muttered that I should probably get to bed early, so unwillingly, I headed to the girl's dormitory.

Honeyduke's chocolates anyone?

A/N: Ehhhh...read and review?