XXII. Mistake 18- My Rambling Mouth

I wish I could say everything was going great and it had all gone back to normal. After all, this is how it was all supposed to happen. I was never supposed to be with James Potter of all people. It just made no sense. What had I ever been thinking?

If only my feelings were so easy to banish…at least I have the heavy burden of NEWT classes and homework. The last two weeks I kept myself busy with studying and retreating to the library. There is no better way to avoid a Marauder than that, in my opinion. Marlene was annoyed, but she kept busy by hanging out with Sirius—apparently they were good mates now since they bonded over their hated Emmeline (for different reasons). Besides being on my side, Marlene was annoyed that Selene seemed to have picked up a new best friend throughout our 'fight' or whatever this was. I couldn't care less anymore. We hadn't spoken in ages since our last argument. I refused to apologize—the way I saw it, she needed to be the first to speak up.

Anyway, it was around the last week of school and I was trying to keep myself busy. I was pinning up the notice for the last Hogsmeade weekend before we all left for the holidays.

"Lily?" James had found me, "Hey, do you need a hand?"

"No," I said quickly, "Almost done," I added hanging up one of the last ones. Thank goodness.

"Oh, well, how have you been?" he asked, "I feel like I only see you on rounds now." That's because I avoided him at all times if possible.

"Yeah," I shrugged, "I've been busy."

"Oh…hey, well, I wanted to make sure you were still coming for New Years," he said casually as he leaned against the wall, but he was watching me carefully under his rimmed glasses.

I froze. New Years? I hadn't thought about that in forever. How could he expect me to go now? It's not like I'd spoken to him recently. I'd been avoiding him and all the Marauders. The only time I spoke to Sirius anymore was when he bugged me in Potions.

"Oh," I frowned, careful to avoid contact. "Er—I don't think I can anymore. Er—something came up. Listen, I'd love to chat, but I'm supposed to meet Marlene in a bit so…er…yeah," I said lamely and hurrying off before he could stop me.

You know, I may not have many talents. I'm no good at Quidditch, Transfiguration or throwing snowballs, but I am pretty decent at avoiding people. He didn't even try and find me the rest of the day, thankfully. And we only had one more night of rounds together left, so I just had to make it the rest of this week and I'd be alright.

Of course, when it came to rounds that Friday, the night before Hogsmeade, he was ever so chipper and talkative. I should've known he was going to be acting funny. Usually our rounds were silent and awkward only to be broken by James' occasional stab at conversation. Didn't he get the hint? I didn't want to talk to him anymore. No, we couldn't just be 'friends'. What sort of rubbish suggestion as that anyway?

"So glad to have a break from school for awhile," he was saying.

I nodded, not feeling very talkative. I'd helped Hagrid and Professor Flitwick with all the tinsel on the trees on the castle, and I'd gotten ahead and finished my Potions essay that was due when we got back from the holidays. I was a little exhausted and not particularly looking forward to rounds with the ever persistent and overly cheerful James Potter.

He was now talking about Hagrid's obsession with dragons. I have no idea how he got started on that subject, but he interrupted himself and said, "So why have you been ignoring me these past few weeks, Lily?"

I blinked in surprise, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. What's going on, Lily?" he demanded (more sternly than was necessary in my opinion).

"N—nothing. I…I've just been busy. I told you," I said, keeping my gaze straight ahead.

"That's a lie," he said. He'd stopped walking, and I laughed.

"Come on James, we have rounds—" I began.

"I don't care about bleeding rounds," he snapped, "We're not stepping around this again. It's because I kissed you isn't it. Why? You said it didn't matter. You said it was fine," he said, looking quite furious as I'd ever seen him.

"It—it is," I said, stepping away, "I don't know why you're bringing it up again," I added, resentfully. I really didn't need his constant reminder. I already knew he thought it was a mistake, and I know that I should think it was too…but it's hard to remember sometimes, especially when he keeps being thrown into my life ever too often!

"Why aren't you coming on New Years, Lily?" he asked quietly.

"I've already answered all these questions for you before, James," I said tiredly, "Listen, I'm not in the mood for you to analyze all my answers. You and Sirius can go throw a slumber party and—"

"I'm not going to let you brush me off, Lily. You need to be honest with me. For once," he said, meeting my eyes and holding it until I finally looked away. I began walking down the corridor.

"We really need to do rounds," I attempted weakly, glancing at him over my shoulder.

"Lily!" he said, "What if I said that I wasn't dating Emmeline anymore? Would that change anything? Would you still hate me?"

"I don't hate you," I said quietly, "We're friends," I added. We weren't. We never were going to be able to just be friends. It just took me quite awhile to realize it.

"Friends? You don't ignore your friends, do you?" he snapped.

"Oh, I don't know. Ask Selene. I can be quite a bitch when I want to. Now either we're going to finish rounds or you can bugger off," I said coolly. I knew that was uncalled for the moment I said it, but I really couldn't help it. It's as if I'd lost control of my mouth. It just was saying whatever it wanted to—even when it wasn't true.

He stared at me and shook his head, "Whatever, Lily. Let me know when you finally know what you want, okay? But you can't expect me to keep waiting around—"

"Waiting around?" I snapped, "Is that what you call this? Waiting around? Making a move on me when you still have another girlfriend! Get over yourself, Potter! I could never date someone so egotistical!"

"Fine!" he yelled, "You know, maybe I could love Emmeline—particularly if I could ever like someone as heartless as you, Evans," he said wrathfully.

"I'm heartless! What do you think Emmeline would say if she knew you cheated on her with the girl you're supposedly in love with!"

"I'm not in love with you," he said coldly, "Not anymore."

"Good because I've never been in love with you."

This was horrible. This entire conversation was absolutely awful. Why do I do this to myself? He was giving me such a glare that I began to feel the tears well up in my eyes. I turned away, "I should probably just go now. I think I'm done with rounds."

"Going to run away again, Evans?" he taunted.

I ignored him and stalked off.

Remember how I said I was pretty miserable earlier this week? Yeah. Well, that's nothing compared to how I feel right now. I wish I could've gone up to an empty dorm, but everyone was there, chatting about what they were doing in Hogsmeade tomorrow.

"You're done with rounds early, Lily," Mary noted as soon as I walked in.

"Do you know where Marlene is?" I asked tersely. Mary shook her head. She was giving me a calculating look so I determinedly looked away.

"Probably with Sirius," Jasmine said with a giggle. Selene, who'd been listening in, rolled her eyes.

"Are you okay, Lily?" Mary asked, looking concerned.

"No…I just need to…sleep, I think," I muttered, shutting my curtains. How had a simple conversation gotten so out of hand? And what had he meant when he'd asked if things had been different if he hadn't been dating Emmeline? He also said he didn't love me anymore, so I suppose it's a good thing that I never told him the truth.

Truth is, I think I had begun to fall in love with James Potter. That's why I couldn't be around him. I couldn't bear it if I had to be his friend and be in love with him. It would hurt too much, but I doubt he could understand that sort of feeling. I brushed away the tears and sat, listening to Mary's mindless chatter until I drifted off to an uneasy sleep.

I was not looking forward to Hogsmeade, but Marlene had gotten me up and ready all the same. We had our own carriage—I told her there was no way I was spending the day with Sirius. When she asked why, I just said I needed a girl's day. Thankfully, she agreed. I don't think I could be around the Marauders. Besides, I was sort of thinking about telling Marlene some of it.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she demanded after I bought a few large bars of Honeyduke's best chocolate. Yes, I spent my money I'd saved for Petunia's Christmas gift on chocolate. Should I feel bad about it? Perhaps. As of right now? I don't think so.

"Nothing…would you like a piece?" I asked, unwrapping a bar and breaking off a rather generous portion.

"This is getting ridiculous," she said, pulling me out of the bustling streets and into the quill shop.

"Why are we in here—"

"Because I need some answers, Lily," Marlene demanded as she pulled me into the nearly empty shop"I don't know how long you thought you could mope around before I started badgering, but I've had it up to here—" she said, raising her hand dramatically over her head.

That's when I started crying in the middle of the quill shop. I know, I know, how embarrassing and over dramatic. I honestly don't give a sickle anymore.

"Okay," Marlene said, nodding slowly, sounding rather alarmed that I'd burst into tears. She glanced around anxiously, "Er—sorry for yelling at you, but maybe now you can tell me why you're crying?" she asked sounding a bit hopeful.

"It's all because of stupid Potter," I said once I'd calmed myself down. I wiped the mascara that I'm sure was beginning to run, "It's just…I wasn't completely honest with you earlier," I admitted.

Marlene sighed, "I know, Lily. It's okay."

She knew? How did she know?

"How do you know?"

"I know when you're lying," she said, rolling her eyes in exasperation, "Now, I don't know what you're lying about. Sirius and I tried to get it out of James, Merlin knows how many times—"

"And he didn't say anything?"

"Nope, so we realized either you threatened him or it's a big deal—although I can't see what was that bad that you couldn't tell me—"

"He kissed me," I blurted out, "After the snowball fight," I explained. Marlene nodded, looking thoughtful, as if everything was clicking together now. Then, we ended up sitting in the corner of the quill shop eating chocolate as I retold the entire story of everything that had happened up to last night.

For awhile, she was silent, munching on her chocolate. Finally, she swallowed and looked at me, "You're the most ridiculous and daft witch I know, Lils," she sighed, "Aren't you supposed to be smart? You're Head Girl and everything, after all."

"Thanks," I muttered rather bitterly, "Really helpful. Don't you see how much chocolate I'm eating?" I said, shoving it towards her face. Marlene laughed.

"Lily, this is so easily sorted out. You just need to be honest with the bloke. You do realize that you both are doing the same—trying to protect yourself from rejection. Although, in James' defense, he does have a reason to expect rejection from you—"

"He said it himself, Marlene, he doesn't love me. It's fine. He's in love with Emmeline—"

Marlene snorted, "Trust me, he definitely is not. I think he's actually breaking up with her. I eavesdropped on him and Sirius," she admitted, "He was just waiting until after Hogsmeade because he didn't want to seem heartless."

"He called me heartless," I said in a small voice, remembering our fight from the night before.

Marlene gave me a long look and shook her head, "You are so pathetic," she said before enveloping me in a hug. I didn't cry anymore, but I did eat a lot more chocolate.

Everyone keeps thinking this is easily put right, but it isn't. Things are complicated, but I didn't say anything about that to Marlene. I think she might just go up to James and tell him everything herself if I said anything else along those lines. Instead, I let her complain about having Benjy as a Potions partner and how Sirius keeps trying to get her to do dumb pranks with him since James was bailing on him. It was nice. I didn't think about James for awhile, and I think Marlene was secretly missing me when I was busy being a recluse and hiding away from all the Marauders.

But if she thinks she's getting me to talk to James again, she's got another thing coming.

A/N: Look at that! As an apology for my lack of updates, here's another one in less than a week! :) I know Lily is being frustrating, but hey, be patient. Haha...she'll come along.