Touch the Horizon
Chapter Three: A Lesson in Truths
By: Light of the Firefly
OOOOO
"Let me get this straight." Rukia said, thoughtfully. "You were trying to work on your non existent relationship with her, and you mucked it up?"
The three friends turned off the main road to take a short cut through the Memorial Park, centered in the middle of Soul Society. This time of year, the colors of autumn stood out beautifully, but none of them paid much attention to the plant life. They were on their way to meet up with others, have drinks, and enjoy the night off they were all lucky enough to get on the same day.
"Mucked it up…" Renji muttered sourly, taking a large bite of the rice balls they bought down the road. "You could say that. However, she played a large part in the mucking up of it."
"You do that pretty well without anyone else's help." Kira added helpfully, grabbing another rice ball from Rukia's offered plate.
"Very true." Rukia laughed, starting into a coughing fit around her own bite of rice. After several moments, and eyes watering, she offered an excuse for the fit. "Wrong pipe."
The two men only snickered at her sputtering.
They turned to cross the gardens of the park, all of them quiet for a while, enjoying some of the last of the warm weather.
"Anyhow, I could see that going wrong. Your not very…" The short girl pondered the word she was looking for.
"Tactful?" Kira offered.
"Tactful! Exactly!" She nodded.
"Some friends." The red head grumbled, tossing what was left of his food to the little group of pigeons fluttering around.
It was the weekend now, two days since Renji and Nanao's spat. She hadn't spoken more than what was absolutely necessary to him since. And he acted the same towards her as well. The office had become tense and unnerving in the silence. Not that they were talkative before, but they were at least friendly and polite.
"Listen, you can't just win her over by fighting with her." Rukia offered logically. "That's what you do, and it works fine. However, not everyone works like that. You guys need to fight at some point, but maybe start smaller? She may hate combat for all you know."
"Lieutenant Ise is a little scary." Kira stated, looking intimidated. "I wouldn't want a fight with her."
"Scary?" Renji snorted. "She's too tiny to be scary. You sound like a wuss."
"You have never seen her in action." The blonde argued, thoughtfully. He shivered at a memory of her chewing some poor sap out one day. "She has a mean tongue on her. I wouldn't want to fight with her if her skills are as nasty as her remarks."
"So what?" Renji brushed off the warning.
"Maybe she isn't very skilled in combat, so she doesn't want to be embarrassed?" Rukia wondered, not really listening to the other two.
"That's not it." Renji disagreed. "I hit a nerve with her. I think you were right from the start Rukia, she misses Captain Kyouraku."
There was a few heartbeats of silence, as the three of them rounded the gardens. The exit they were headed for in sight now.
"Why do you think that's why she wouldn't spar?" Kira asked, confused at what the two subjects had to do with one another.
"You didn't see how she reacted when I mentioned him." Renji had been thinking it over for the last few days. He had even asked around the division, digging for some information. "Apparently he was the only one anyone knows of her ever sparring with."
"Really? I never thought he practiced anything but sake consumption." Kira said skeptically.
"No, I think your on to something Renji." Rukia disagreed. "It would make sense. She's not willing to do it because that was their thing. You probably brought back some sad thoughts by even mentioning it."
"I know, I figured as much when I heard that too." He grumbled. He had been so hell bent on picking a fight with her, he never considered it was a sore spot. Several division members had confirmed the fact that those two sparred all the time, but no one ever saw it. Some of them speculated that her powers were even a secret because of the nature of them. But ultimately, no one seemed to know anything for fact since they never witnessed it.
When they had a match, he was told Nanao and Captain Kyouraku went somewhere off grounds to do so. Renji was surprised no one else seemed to know anything about her fight styles, but was glad he wasn't the only one. Even the oldest members of the squad were clueless. The general assumption was that the previous captain kept her out of battle, as was his overprotective nature, and due to the loss of Lieutenant Lisa prior to her.
"Maybe a good fight in the field would make her feel better. Maybe she's been stuck in the office for too many years?" Kira wondered out loud.
"Might help." Rukia nodded thoughtfully.
"Hm." Was all Renji offered. "She's pretty pissed at me still, I think."
"Maybe you could bring her flowers or something and tell her your sorry? Girls like that stuff." Kira said, sounding pleased for the thoughtfulness of his advice. Rukia rolled her eyes.
"I'll apologize, but no flowers, idiot!" Renji snapped back. "And I plan on getting a fight out of her still!"
"Your both idiots, but I want to add to your apology. Instead of trying to push the spar, try something different." Rukia said thoughtfully.
"Like…?"
"Kira's right, I think you should get her out of the offices, too. Go on an assignment with her. Watch her fight then, with hallows." Rukia said, and Renji felt dumb for never thinking of it before.
"Wait, does she even do assignments?" Kira asked, not remembering her ever being on a battle field. "She probably doesn't volunteer."
The other two friends ignored the blonde.
"That's not a bad idea." Renji agreed, it was perfect really. He could watch her style and get a feel for what she was like on the battlefield that way. It's not what he wanted, but he knew eventually he could get her to spar with him.
It maybe would just take time but it would happen eventually. He had already decided to make her do it somehow. His curiosity was peaked now, and he wouldn't let it go until he got what he wanted.
They came to the gate, the black iron moaning when Rukia pushed it open.
The redhead stiffened at the familiar feeling pattering across his senses. He stopped in his tracks.
Glancing around, Renji was startled to see a lone figure sitting on a bench some distance off to their left.
It was his lieutenant, he realized. She had a book in her lap, but it was closed. She stared down at it, though, deep in thought. He looked back as his two friends walked on ahead of him, not noticing he had stopped.
He was supposed to be drinking sake and enjoying himself within the next hour, but something about her sitting there alone nagged him a little. Renji watched her silently, doubting she ever noticed him, she looked too zoned out.
He considered just leaving, as was the original plan. She was most likely not interested in his company, anyway. He didn't feel like a confrontation, not now. It was his day of rest, and he didn't want the headache.
But, the look on her face was almost painful to see. She looked so lost. She looked small and alone sitting on the bench, here in a deserted park. Didn't she have people to be with on her day off?
Rukia and Kira finally noticed he wasn't following and turned back to him, they gave him a questioning gaze.
He let out a sigh. Now was as good as any to talk to her right?
"Guys I'll catch up with you later." He said, nodding towards Nanao. Understanding crossed their features and they waved him off, turning back to the road.
He watched as they went on down the sidewalk without him.
OOOOO
Nanao's head jerked up at the sudden feeling of someone approaching. She wanted to curse, Renji was walking towards her, sporting his usual attire and stupid looking goggles propped on his head.
But, he didn't look like he wanted another argument, so she said nothing as he approached.
Stopping, he sat down next to her, keeping a fair amount of distance between them on the bench. He was still wary, after the little argument the other day, he wasn't sure how he would be received.
As he continued to say nothing she sighed. Turning her head to watch him, she felt duty bearing on her shoulders. She didn't want to not get along with her superior after all. And he didn't deserve the way she had acted, at any rate. "Look, captain-"
"-I'm sorry." He said, cutting her off. His gaze met her's then, and he looked apologetic. "About the other day. For pushing your buttons. I didn't mean for it to get out of hand like that, I only want to try to build more than what we have."
"I know." She answered, looking around, anywhere but at him. She hated situations like this, being a loner by nature. Anything emotional tended to drive her off. Her gaze floated around the surrounding scenery. The colorful trees ruffled in the light breeze, the air carried a scent of plant decay. "But, honestly, things are fine like this."
"They are not, Ise, and you know it." He sighed, watching her profile as she avoided his eyes. He saw her lips twist into a slight frown and wanted to apologize again.
"We don't mesh well." She stated. "It's not either of our faults. It's just the way it is."
"I know, but we could work on that right?" He asked, and she looked back at him. She was skeptical now, he realized.
"Why now, all of the sudden?"
"Why not?" He fired back.
Nanao shrugged lightly. "I just don't see why it is such a pressing matter."
"It is an overlooked matter, from both of us." He clarified.
"I assume you have something in mind, then?" She gave in, knowing he probably had some new idea to propose.
"I would like to go on a patrol with you, actually?"
Her eyes widened slightly. She wasn't expecting that. "Patrol?"
"Sure."
"I haven't been on a patrol in quite a while." She said, quietly.
"All the more reason to. Brush the dust off and all!" He said, pleased she was considering it. Her features fell into some unnamable look that he couldn't place. "I wouldn't let you get hurt, if your worried about being out of practice?"
She snorted at his male chivalry. "Hardly worried about it, sir."
"Good, then we will go Monday afternoon. Deal?"
Thinking over her options, she knew that this needed to happen. Logically, it was something to work on and she knew it.
Patrolling? Why not? She thought, pursing her lips. It was a start. Nanao didn't have anything against patrolling, it was just something she hadn't done since…well since she was seated, come to think of it. Office duties kept her too busy to do so since then.
"Deal." She sighed in defeat, noticing how excited he seemed then.
"What are you reading there, anyhow?"
"Boring kido spells." She said, glancing down at the book in question. She hadn't opened it since she sat down here a few hours ago.
"I could use some brushing up on that. Not my strong suit." He said, scratching the back of his head.
"Yes, I believe you prefer to rush into things with sword blazing." She said sarcastically. He chuckled next to her, not denying the accusation.
"I am sorry about the other day, Ise." Renji stated again, wanting her to forgive him.
"I lost my temper as well." She said, and he knew that was as far as she would say on the matter so he dropped it.
"Listen, me and a few friends are having drinks down the street." He said, awkwardly. "Your welcome to come. It's your day off, you should be having a good time. Not sitting here by yourself studying."
"You make it sound like torture." She said, looking at the large book resting in her lap again. "Thank you, but I will have to decline."
"Why?" He blurted, surprising himself. He had basically asked her to be polite, but realized when she said no that he would like her to come along.
"Not my style, sir. Go enjoy your time. I'll see you Monday." She said, her tone was clearly dismissing.
He debated briefly, before standing up and moving away from the bench.
"I look forward to seeing you kick some ass, Ise!" He called over his shoulder, with a wave. Nanao felt her lips twitch into an almost smile.
She knew things between them were far from comfortable, it was still a rocky start. But maybe she was being too cold with him? He was putting forth an honest effort, he deserved the same in return.
OOOOO
Monday morning came and went, it was pushing closer to quitting time now.
Renji stood quietly against the door, watching. He felt like he was invading her privacy, but figured it was rude to interrupt her at the moment.
He had come to the training hall to find his lieutenant to go on the promised patrol with him. What he found was her working with various members to perfect their techniques. He had been standing there for some time now, he reflected. Somehow interested in what she was up to. She moved from one member to another, correcting them as needed. Just about everyone present was practicing mild sword play or light spell work. The more physical of spars were taken outside, to the large attached fields
She had paired several members up, and practices going on all around the huge room continued under her watchful eye. But her main focus right now was a blonde girl, who's big blue eyes stared at his lieutenant with a hint of awe. Renji watched the interaction, as Nanao was going through a particular spell with the younger girl, who's name evaded his mind at the moment.
Nanao, for her part, had noticed him come in a long time ago but ignored his presence as he didn't seem inclined to approach her right now. The rest of her weakened had been quiet, as usual. And uneventful, also as usual. She hated when she had a couple days off in a row. Her overactive mind was exhausting when she had no outward distractions to lead her focus. She spent her free time alone on these days, reading or just walking around. When reading became tiresome, sometimes a long aimless walk helped pass the minutes and keep her thoughts minimal.
She stood next to an unseated member who was struggling with a simple spell. The words were perfect, the chant flawless. But as Nanao felt it out, she realized the girl was focusing her energies all wrong.
"Watch." Nanao said to the girl, stepping up next to her. The girl bowed deeply, blushing at having being caught doing the spell wrong again.
"Thank you, Lieutenant Ise!"
Approaching the young member, Nanao walked her through the spell thoroughly, explaining every step as she laid it out. The girl was eagerly listening, watching with wide, slightly nervous eyes.
"Do you think you can do it this way?" She asked, and was answered with a determined nod. She stepped back, and the girl began over again.
"Mask of flesh and blood, all creations of the universe, fluttering of the wings, ye who bears the name of man! Scorching heat and disorder, evolve the transposition of the southern sea barrier." The girl began, Nanao watched her hand light up with brilliant red, and smiled to herself a little at the proper feel of the spell.
"Hado number 31, Shakkaho!" The red fire shot from the girl's outstretched arm, hitting the target with accuracy. It was weak, but like all spells, took practice.
"Very good." Nanao noted, and the girl beamed at her. She looked up, meeting her captain's across the expanse of the hall. He stood by the door still, apparently watching her quietly. It must be time, she thought, glancing up at the clock on the wall. She couldn't avoid it much longer than she has already. "Keep working with this one, now that you have the hang of it. Perfect it."
"Y ma'am!" She said happily, wiping at the light sheen of sweat on her brow. She hurriedly bowed as Nanao walked past to meet her captain at the other end of the hall.
Nanao noticed when she drew closer that he was animated with excitement. This man really loves the fight, she thought, resisting her need to roll her eyes.
"I couldn't find you, someone told me you would be in here." Renji said when she approached. "I'm not interrupting am I? We could go later on?"
"Just finishing up, actually." She waved off, not commenting on knowing he had been there for quite a while already, and walking out the door with him and into the sunshine.
"There were sighting's out in the 6th District just a bit ago, I figured now was the opportune moment."
She nodded as they made their way through the 8th and into the streets.
"You work with them a lot?" He asked suddenly, and she glanced over at him.
"I try to make it as much as I can." She answered, and they silently switched to shunpo.
They streaked across the compound, arriving in the inner districts of Rukongai quickly. He wasn't terribly fast, but quicker than average. She caught herself slowing down for his benefit, but made sure he never noticed.
"I didn't know that." He admitted, once they stopped on the outskirts of the 6th District. They walked in silence for a while, getting a feel for the area. "That you were working with the members, I mean."
"It's beneficial." She said, hoping he was done.
They continued in mostly silence for several hours, it was starting to get dark, and still nothing was around to fight off. They trudged through the thick woods, following some tracks that had seemed to disappear in the dim lighting now.
"Maybe it moved on." Renji grumbled irritably, letting out a yawn. "Let's head back, we can come out again tomorrow I guess. We gotta get up early in the morning and this is getting old."
"No." She said simply, turning her head to face the dark expanse of forest on her left. "It's still here. Close."
"What? How do you know?" He asked, suddenly alert again, looking all around.
"Stand still, and feel for it." She said, and he stopped his movements to meet her eyes questioningly.
"Feel for it?" He asked, raising an unbelieving eyebrow at her. She scowled at him, before stomping on her temper. She had agreed to be willing to work with him, and so she would.
"Yes, you can feel the distortion in the air. It's very subtle, and can only be picked up in close range." She stated patiently, and moved off to the left, picking through the woods as quietly as she could.
"That's a bunch of crap." He grumbled, but followed her anyhow. "I've never heard that before. You saw more tracks didn't you?"
"No, I did not." She said, her tone sharpening. "I thought we were supposed to be working together here, not doubting each other?"
Renji flushed at her reprimand, and kept quiet. Continuing to follow her, he caught sounds up ahead. Surprised, he felt like saying something to her about his rude comment, but stopped himself. She wasn't very receiving of such things, anyhow.
The noises increased as they moved forward. They were close, very close.
They stopped at the edge of a clearing, as three low level hallows were in a feeding frenzy, snapping and clawing at one another as they fought for the meal in the middle. There wasn't much left of whatever it had been they were eating, mostly just parts of a body, but obviously human.
"Too late!" He seethed over her shoulder, pulling his zanpakto out and charging angrily. The three hallows lifted their bone covered heads, all of which were smeared with blood, at the sound of his approach. They barley had time to move at him before he cut them all down.
Nanao watched as he swung wide and heavily, without much thought process behind it. It was effective, of course, just lacked the finesse.
He turned to her as the last one disintegrated with a satisfied smirk on his face.
"Why didn't you attack?" He asked, as if just realizing that he just defeated the whole purpose of bringing her out here in the first place.
"Obviously, because it was well handled. And you didn't exactly leave time for planning."
"Hey! You are supposed to take some initiative Ise!" He argued, "I was wanting to see you fight, Damnit!"
"Well, sir, you'll certainly get your chance."
"Chance! The chance is dead now! Where have you been?" He said, and she had the irrational urge to hit him with something. He was just so…loud, sometimes.
"Not those, captain." She continued patiently. Pointing a dainty finger to a spot behind him. "The three more approaching."
Renji's eyes widened, and he whirled around. He stared up at the enormous higher level hallows towering over them now. How the hell had he missed that?
"Menos…" He mumbled, still shocked. "Why would they be here?"
"To eat the low levels." Nanao supplied helpfully. "Any gathering of them can attract Menos, sir."
"I know that!" He snapped, wanting to punch something suddenly. She was so frustrating! Just standing there all calm and collected when there were freaking menos standing over them!
"Would you like to tear off after them to?" She asked casually, Renji wanted to scream when her voice sounded almost bored.
"No! Obviously, I would like some cooperation!" Not that a menos was a huge threat to a captain level, but with three of them, and their slightly larger intelligence they could catch a shinigami off guard. They tended to work together to kill, preferring to gang up on their prey.
"Fair enough." She said, stepping next to him in the clearing, her neck craning to look up into the eerie white faces so far up.
One of them let out a shriek that they felt vibrate through their ribcages. All three of them moved then, as if the sound was a universal command to attack.
Renji tensed at the incomers, and released his zanpakto. "Howl, Zabimaru!"
He stepped in front of her, wanting to make sure she wasn't put in any danger by the newcomers.
Before he could bound off after them, Nanao raised her hand palm facing out.
She let out a slow breath, time felt like it slowed with it.
As the world burst into a blinding bright yellow flare, Nanao wondered how long it had been since she cut down a hallow.
Renji gasped, and dove out of the way, just barley missing the blast of energy that lit up bright as the sun beside him. The heat of her kido burned at his skin as if sitting way too close to a fire and he cursed, springing back farther still.
Hand steady, the yellow bolt shot from her raised palm, with lightning-like movements towards the closest menos.
When the strike hit, it incinerated the mask on contact, and the body began dissolving.
Without breaking the original spell, Nanao moved her arm and aimed at the second. The lightning jumped and crackled from the first target to next with the movement, killing the second just as quick.
The third menos followed suit, this was the only one that got out a shriek before it's end, as it saw the others' demise before it's own.
When is too disappeared, Nanao lowered her arm as the energy dissipated, leaving a mist of steam in it's wake. She was satisfied with the quick, clean work. The clearing was empty other than herself and her captain now.
The forest fell into darkness once again, as well as complete silence.
"Wha…" Renji tried from behind her. She looked back at him over her shoulder. His mouth hung open and he stared off at the places the menos once stood. He cleared his throat and rubbed a hand over his face, composing himself. "What the BLODDY HELL WAS THAT ISE?"
She blinked at his outburst. "Hado…number 63?"
"NO SHIT HADOU NUMBER 63!" He was loosing it, she thought. "I know damn well what it was!"
"Then, why did you ask?" She was truly confused at his behavior.
"Where was the incantation? The hand gestures, the whole damn spell!"
"I don't need all that, sir." She said, her eyebrows raised in surprise at his tone. What was his problem?
"Why the hell not!" He was still shouting and she was still confused.
"Did you not know I was a master level?" She asked, "Everyone knows that."
"Of course I knew that!" He shouted, feeling flustered at her obvious statement. "I just…"
Renji was not the best at kido, but he had witnessed his previous captain belt out some damn perfect spells over the years. But never one this high without so much as a word uttered. He was completely stunned to say the least.
"WHY THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN SITTING AT A DAMN DESK FOR ALL THESE YEARS WHEN YOU CAN DO THAT!"
"I…" Nanao closed her mouth. She never considered that question before, in all honestly. She was a seated officer, and the office work was what was mainly expected of her. Combat was always a possibility, but tended to be handed out to those who were itching for the fight. Nanao was never one of those people, so she tended to be kept on the sidelines unless absolutely necessary.
"Why didn't I ever know you could do this?" He grumbled, staring at her with an accusing look across his face.
"You… never asked?" She knew it was a dumb reply but it was all she had.
"Anything else you want to share?" He raved, "Considering I apparently really know squat about your abilities, we may as well talk this over now! Are you gonna pull a bankai outta your pretty little ass next, Ise?"
"I'm going to let that comment slide, due to your mood right now." She muttered, her cheeks heating.
"Your damn right you will!" He was still irrational, and she sighed heavily.
"Listen, I apologize if you felt mislead, but keep in mind I never mislead you, sir. You assumed what you did, and we never were in a situation that called for any such show of abilities." She reasoned, and he stared at her silently for a few moments. He couldn't really argue her logic.
Letting out a breath, Renji willed himself to calm down.
"Where the hell did they have you during the war, then?" He asked, quieter now than before. "We could have used someone like you out there."
She winced, and looked down at her feet. At her lack of response, he felt like he was getting too personal, bringing up the past.
"I was left in Soul Society, obviously." She finally answered. "I was part of the group put together as Plan B, in the event of an attack happening there."
Renji absorbed this. He had of course known such a group was composed, but never really paid much attention to the details.
"Why you?"
"I…it was an order. From the Head Captain." She stated simply.
"I know, but I mean why you specifically?" He knew he was pushing her again, but he honestly wanted to know. This woman who worked for him for all these years was still such a mystery and he was starting to scratch the surface.
Nanao looked up at him again, meeting his eyes once more in the dying light of the forest.
"Because of my tactical skills, my kido, the ability to effectively lead. My knowledge, my know-how. The list goes on, but I've forgotten how it was worded exactly. That was what the official report I was given stated. It was decided, without room for argument on my part. I had no say in it. It was already finalized when I was told. I wanted to go. I didn't want to be left here." She sounded a little resentful.
He saw the hurt in her violet eyes and felt a pang of guilt.
"That's not what I meant…I wouldn't think that you didn't want to be a part of it, Ise."
She nodded and smiled a little at him.
"Kind of flattering though, huh? The Head Captain thinking you could handle it if it came to a battle in Soul Society." He said, trying to lighten the suddenly morose mood of the conversation. She looked hesitant then, debating on something.
They started walking back the way they came, as the night continued to fall in around them.
"I was nominated, actually." She said after a while. The silence stretched between them and Renji knew who had done it without asking. "I…had felt so betrayed, you know? Like he was denying me what I have been trained to do. Denying my purpose in this life, my right to stand and fight alongside of him."
"He was looking out for you, probably."
"Probably." She agreed, sounding bitter. "I shouldn't have been so…harsh on him for it. If I had known it would be the last time I could talk to him…"
When she trailed off, Renji felt a whole new wave of guilt hit him at her words. They had a fight, he assumed. And that was the last time she spoke with him.
They walked on, their footsteps the only sounds in the forest and he searched for the right thing to say.
"Ise, you can't tear yourself up over that." He said, feeling so out of place he didn't even know where to begin. He felt her sadness in the air like a living thing right then and wanted nothing more than to start this whole night over, to have never brought the conversation to this point.
"I know that." She said with a wave, and he figured someone else had already said such a thing to her. "But…I could have swallowed my pride for once, and just accepted the order. I could have done my job and not made a big deal out of it. I could have said goodbye properly, and not send him off the way that I had. I should have never said what I said. But…I did, and I've never regretted anything more my entire life."
He wanted to comfort her, but wasn't sure how. She was basically a stranger, and he wasn't entirely sure what she would be comforted by even. Renji would have reached out and hugged her if it was Rukia talking to him right now. He had been through this kind of loss with her when Kaien had died. He knew she still carried that pain with her like a lead weight around her shoulders, but she had forgiven herself at least.
He wondered if Nanao would ever find her forgiveness.
"If roles were reversed," He said quietly, as they reached the main road of the 6th once again, the busy little district having fallen into the quiet of the night as well. "Would you want him feeling the way you do?"
"No." She answered truthfully.
"Do you think he would want that out of you then?"
"No." She answered again, looking up at the moon that was revealed by the clouds shifting in the night sky. Her mind drifted to the day he left automatically.
"How can you do this to me?" She had demanded slamming the report down on the desk in front of him. He looked up at her from his seated position with sad, steady eyes.
"Nanao-chan," He said carefully. "Before you get upset, hear me out."
"There's nothing to hear, Captain!" She had snapped. "It's perfectly clear already isn't it?"
"I can't have you there." He said simply. She was positively furious at him.
"Just tell me why not." She fought for composure with everything she had.
"You know why." At the look she gave him, he continued, "My focus needs to be in the fight."
"Do you think I can't defend myself then? That you will need to swoop in and save me? You can't focus on your fight because you'll be too busy looking out for me? That's the issue?"
"That's not it and you know it." He was upset too, she could tell by the slight tightening of his features.
"You don't think I could handle myself out there, then?" She asked, truly hurt.
"I know, better that anyone, that you could handle it." He said quietly. "But I don't think I could handle it with you there."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She was ready to blast something with his cryptic explanations. Deep down, Nanao knew that his intentions had been good, that he had been in a firm standing belief that he was doing the right thing by making her stay behind.
"Nanao-chan," He started. "Please, just trust my judgment on this. You are not going. I don't want you there."
"You…don't want me there?" She had felt so deflated by his words. It was worse than a punch in the gut, how could he say he didn't want her there? On one of the most important wars Soul Society has ever had, and he didn't want her there? He didn't want her help?
"No." He said, calm and solemn.
"And if the fight moves here?" She asked, feeling like he had stabbed her with his words. A thick lump rose in her throat but she would not fall apart in front of him, not right now.
"It will never reach you." His statement was so certain, his eyes so intense at that moment, she believed it.
"I will never forgive you for this." She said, softly but with so much ice in her words she could see the hurt in his features.
Without waiting for a reply, she turned and left the office. She ignored when he called out to her. She kept walking, stewing in anger and bitterly resentful.
He had left shortly after, and she refused to even say goodbye to him when he did.
When she got back to their office later in the day, long after he was gone, she found a note on her desk. It simply read:
"When I return, I will do everything I can to earn your forgiveness."
She had felt the first stirrings of dread when she read those words.
She hoped with all she had that he knew she had said what she did out of fear of not being there if he needed her. She hoped he hadn't gone to the battle with the thought that she wouldn't ever forgive him.
But, she had little doubt that he knew exactly how upset she was with him. She had seen on his face that day how much he had understood her anger at him.
She wished she could take it all back.
She wished she would have handled it all so differently.
She wished she would have wrapped her arms around him, and told him to be safe, to come back to her.
She wished she would have spent those last precious moments telling him how important he was to her, how much he changed her life just by being himself.
She wished and wished and wished.
But, Nanao knew, she would never have those wishes granted.
With her new Captain, at her side, who probably felt awkward and ashamed to have brought it all up, she walked on in silence.
Through the quiet of night, and the chill of autumn, she felt utterly, and irrevocably alone.
OOOOO
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