Touch the Horizon
Chapter Four: A Brush of Pressure
By: Light of the Firefly
OOOOO
Laying in bed that night, Renji felt utterly miserable.
His intentions, when he had gone on a routine patrol with his lieutenant, had been quite simple. To get to know her better in the field.
Somehow, however, it had morphed into something far more complex then he could have ever anticipated it to.
First, he had been stunned stupid by her kido wielding talents. It was an absolutely, excitingly wonderful development to know what she was capable of.
Well, that wasn't true, he reasoned. He had no idea what she was capable of. Tonight had been one little show of her abilities. Just one. Hard to say what else she could pull off, but he was willing to bet it was just as impressive.
He smirked a little to himself, remembering how she looked, small but standing firm as the angry blast of her kido lit up the night. He again began wondering at how he could get her to spar with him, but that was a matter for another day.
The second development, was some of the background information that she offered, which surprised him more. He never expected her to open up to him, of all people. She didn't strike him as someone who talked about such a private thing, but he supposed that's just how she worked. He had asked, after all, and she had told.
The third thing that struck him, and struck the hardest, the one thing that stood out from all the events of the evening, was her deep rooted sadness.
It was strange, really, that he never even noticed it ever before.
But it was there, it was dark and alive and consuming her.
It was so obvious to him now, he wondered how he had ever overlooked it. Was he that dense? That selfish, that unconcerned, that he never took a few extra moments to talk to the woman he worked with day in and day out?
It had taken Rukia to point out to him that he needed to build a bond with Nanao before the thought ever crossed his mind.
How did he ever not take the time to get to know her, even just a little?
He hated to admit, but he had been a jerk over the years. He had never paid any attention to his busy little lieutenant. He had assumed she was just Ise Nanao, 8th Division lieutenant, and that was all there was to it.
The crazy part was, that he was finding her traits to be so fascinating.
He was curious, now more than ever, who she was. He saw a few peeks into her world over the last week, and he found himself eager for more.
He was just curious, he reasoned with himself. This was, after all, what he had meant from the start of this whole thing. He wanted to get to know Nanao, to figure her out a little, form a good captain/lieutenant relationship.
But as he lay awake, staring at the ceiling, his eyelids refusing to stay shut, he wondered at the woman.
He was a little ashamed of himself, but he felt the beginnings of attraction to her.
At the moment, however, he was stubbornly refusing to admit it, or to pay much attention to the fact.
He felt bad for her, that she spent her time alone, that she was racked with guilt over the past. He didn't want to see the sadness in her, it bothered him. More than he could understand why, it bothered him.
Renji decided, in the early, dark hours of morning, that he would start getting her to accompany him after work hours. He would start inviting her out. He wanted her to spend more time around people, to socialize a little. Perhaps she was just left to her thoughts too much, he figured. She needed to be around someone, not by herself all the time. She needed a friend, someone to talk with. Maybe that would help. Maybe he wouldn't have to see the sadness in her eyes if he could change it a little.
Filled with new purpose, he closed his eyes.
Tomorrow, he would start chipping away at her.
OOOOO
Nanao just set her captain's tea on his desk when the door slid open behind her.
"Captain." She greeted, turning to him as he walked in. He smiled at her, it was a warm smile, not one of his usuals.
"Good morning." He said, sitting at his desk as she went to her own.
He took a sip of the hot tea, and looked over the first page of reports on his desk.
Nanao started on her own, trying her best to not feel embarrassed by the rather personal conversation they had the night before. She didn't mean to blurt any of it out, it had just happened.
Captain Ukitake was the only other she had spoke with about those things, but she tended to avoid that line of conversations with him anymore. It's not that she didn't want to speak with him, more that she could see him spiraling into his own guilt and hurt whenever it was brought up. He was increasingly ill these days, and Nanao didn't want to cause anymore stress on him than necessary.
So, she had taken up not talking about it, as no one else could really understand. What was the point when there was no one who could relate?
But last night, Renji had asked, and it literally just spilled out. It just felt nice to talk with someone. She missed just talking with someone.
Although she was far from comfortable with Captain Abarai, he was someone who wore their traits for all to see. There was no guessing what he thought, or what he was about. And she knew he was honestly curious with his questioning. It had been a small weight off her shoulders to say something out loud after all this time.
But now, she felt a little foolish for doing so. She had an image to uphold, she didn't want him to think she was as hung up on the past as she was. She didn't want the pity.
The hours ticked by in mostly silence, only interrupted occasionally by a question from him about this form or where to sign.
She was relieved when he left for a meeting, as it eased up the slight nervousness she felt.
Nanao had been so worried he would ask some awful question like 'how are you feeling today?' or 'do you feel any better?'. But he hadn't, thank god, and she was counting her blessings for that much.
When she finished the last page in her stack, she headed to the file cabinet and pulled out the folders to start on the scheduling for next quarter. It wasn't due for over a month, but she had to do something. She still wasn't used to getting done so early, but it had its advantages certainly.
What she wouldn't have given, thirty odd years ago, to be this caught up in the office. She would have been so elated at the accomplishment. But, funny enough, she would give anything to be that backlogged now, if only to have things the way they were before.
When the scheduling was complete, she started on next month's budgeting. Another pointless thing to start so early.
She continued on in the quiet of the office, working at the unnecessary task she had.
The time slipped on, unnoticed, until her captain came back in some hours later.
He glanced up at the clock and frowned slightly.
"What are you working on?" He asked, his eyes traveling to the papers on her desk. "It's long past time to leave."
"Inventory for the barracks." She said, not looking up.
"Isn't that something another seat could do?"
"Yes." She said simply.
"Then you can leave it for another?" He clarified.
"I could. Why?" She looked up then, and caught a look on his face she wasn't sure how to interpret.
"Let's go get something to eat. I'm starved." Renji said, nodding his head towards the door. She stared up at him with puzzlement.
"Go ahead, sir." She said, dismissal in her voice. "I'm quite fine."
"No, I want you to come with me." He stated, with a tone that sounded like she was slow in the head, earning another look of puzzlement from her.
"Why?"
"You make it sound awful." He laughed at her expression. "Come on, your being so stubborn."
He was already walking to the door before she could think of a response.
OOOOO
Nanao found herself in a noodle shop at the edge of the 1st district. The place was almost uncomfortably warm, with all the streamers and fryers in the kitchen, and heavy crowd in the lobby.
She tried not to stare as Renji ate his weight in food, but she couldn't honestly remember ever seeing someone eat so much at once.
She poked around her own plate, having not really eaten much at all.
"Not hungry?" He asked, around a mouthful.
"I'm not a big eater." She said honestly, glancing at all the empty plate he had cleared and smiled slightly. "Obviously next to you I suppose anyone would look like a lightweight."
"High metabolism." He said by way of explaining and taking another large bite.
She picked at her plate a little more, glancing around the large crowded dining room. There were people from all walks of life here, some dressed very nice, and some dressed very poorly.
"This place is famous among the locals." Renji said, noticing her gaze sweeping the crowd. "Their soups are legendary. Try yours, you'll see what I mean."
"Can I ask you something?" She turned her eyes back to his and he froze mid-bite.
"Sure." He said, lowering the chopsticks.
"I wouldn't mind going on more patrols. Is that a possibility?" She asked, watching his face for reaction. In all honestly, she had gotten in so late last night, she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. It was wonderful. That was the first time in as long as she could remember that she fell right to sleep when she laid down. Usually, she would toss and turn until her thoughts exhausted themselves, and she slipped into an uneasy slumber. Accompanied sometimes by various bad dreams.
"Ah, yeah. Sure, any particular reason the sudden interest?"
"I'm out of practice." She lied easily. "It was nice to flex those muscles again."
He nodded thoughtfully, his food forgotten. He would like to accompany her on another one, but he wasn't sure if that's how she meant it or not. She may want to go alone, or with anyone really. Not him specifically. Plus, this evening was almost over, and he had planned to go to the Real World tomorrow afternoon.
A thought struck him then and he wanted to smack himself for not thinking of it sooner.
"When is the last time you went to the Real World?" He blurted, and she was caught off guard by the change in subject.
"Not since the academy training there. Why do you ask?"
"Clear your schedule tomorrow then!" He said seeming pleased. He stuffed a huge chunk of sushi into his mouth as she stared back at him blankly.
"You…are asking me to go there, I presume?"
"Sure. It would be a fairly new thing for you, right?" He said, voice muffled around the food.
"I don't know anything about the Real World, sir." She said, feeling a little lost pride at the admission. Ise Nanao knew everything about everything, almost. But the Real World? Next to nothing.
"I'll teach you!" He said, swallowing finally. "I know it well."
"I don't know that it would be such a good idea." She declined.
"Why? It is basically like a patrol. Just a little hunting, some new sight seeing." He encouraged. The thought of getting her out of routine was promising. She would probably like a lot of the things he could show her. But he saw the uncertainly cross her face.
"I don't know, sir."
"It would be a great experience." He said, and she noticed how excited he seemed. "What's there to worry about?"
She wondered that herself. The Real World never held any attraction to her, but those that went frequently seemed to enjoy the trip. Rangiku always came back with arm loads of trinkets to show off, not to mention some good stories to tell.
"Tomorrow afternoon…?" He asked, and she relented with a nod.
OOOOO
The next afternoon, Nanao stood, looking uncertainly at the blank gigai that previous captain Kisuke Urahara held out for her.
"I was not aware I'd be in one of…those." She said, sounding just a slight bit uneasy.
"Why? What's wrong?" Renji asked, glancing over. He stepped into his own blank, and she watched with fascination as it formed to him. In her previous trips to the Real World, Nanao had stayed in spirit form, having never used such a devise. It had changed right in front of her, animated to life with her captain's soul.
"I just never used one of these." She mumbled, meeting the shadowed gaze of Urahara who stood in front of her. He smiled a sly smile and she relaxed a little. She had seen him in passing over the years, but had no particular aquatince with the mysterious man. She remembered him from when she was a child, when he was the head of the research and development, as well as the captain of the 12th, who had gone rogue.
"Ise-san, I assure you it's a lovely experience to be in one!" He said with an excited nod. She trusted his word, as her previous captain had always spoke highly of this man. "Takes a little getting used to, but all around enjoyable."
Nanao listened to the older man, but still hesitated. She glanced over his shoulder at Renji who was stretching his arms over his head.
"Don't be a little coward, Ise!" He yelled at her, looking impatient. She bit her lip to hold back the nasty retort on her tongue.
Nanao squared her shoulders at the jab, and took a step closer to the blank. She had read about the gigais of course, but hadn't seen one up close, or even had any interest in them. It was like a large, white doll, she thought. Void of all features, it was creepy looking more than anything.
She let out a breath, and moved into it. She saw Urahara's eyes glint with satisfaction when she finally stepped into the strange thing.
Nanao felt a suction pull her in when she made contact, twisting her and fitting her into place. She felt the shifting of the gigai as it molded to her and took on her appearance.
Blinking her eyes open, she was caught off guard by the new sense of higher gravity and stumbled into Urahara.
"Whoa, easy there. Not that I mind a pretty girl in my arms, but we have company after all." He chuckled, righting her and keeping a steadying hand on her shoulder. Nanao blushed at the clumsiness and added comment from the man.
"Well?" Renji asked, suddenly at her side, looking her over. "How do you feel?"
"Strange." She answered honestly, looking at her hands as she wiggled her fingers. It was like having a second set of skin, making her body feel slightly restricted. Like she couldn't quite fit into an outfit, almost. Added with the new gravity, she felt heavier as well.
"You will get used to it." Urahara assured her, stepping back from her now balanced form. "Some ground rules are needed, however. First, treat it as if it were your own body. If this one dies, while you are stuck inside, you will die as well. You can avoid this by popping back out if you were injured while inside, as your spirit self will start healing much quicker."
Nanao nodded at him, as she took a few unsteady steps around the room in the back of his shop that they were in. Renji stuck close, as if expecting her to fall again. She was pleased to see that she was getting used to the feel of this thing, though.
"Second," The older man continued, "You can't summon any attacks while inside, as the gigai will subdue such things. This is a fairly new improvement, as shinigami were attacking hallows when they were in these. You can still feel out other energies and see things the humans cannot, however, if a hallow attack takes place, you need to free yourself in order to fight."
She had already noticed the uneasy feel of her absent zanpakto that was missing from her sleeve. It had set her into a mild panic at the loss of the constant weight.
"Third," He continued, "try not to damage it up too badly. They are quite pricey, and I seem to be constantly footing the bill."
Renji heard the change in his tone and glanced over at him. Urahara was looking pointedly back at him.
"Hey! Don't give me that look! I'm not the only one!"
"No, but I believe your tab is the priciest." He said dryly, waving him off with a flick of the fan in his hand. "Anyhow, Ise-san, do careful and I'll see you tonight."
"I will. Thank you." She bowed, almost lost her balance with the action, but regained it quickly.
Still needed to get used to it, that was for sure.
OOOOO
Making their way down the busy sidewalks of Karakura Town, Nanao felt like a child again. Eyes big, attention span short, and with a sense of excitement she hadn't felt in many , many years.
There were so many strange things to see in this town, so many interesting looking shops and diners.
The people were less formal, dressed in all typed of styles of clothing. She looked down at her own attire, blushing. The shirt was a plain cotton type, and wasn't so bad. The pants, however were another matter. It was strange material her captain had called jeans. They made her feel antsy, as they restricted her movements. Shinigami uniforms were created with a fight in mind, leaving room to move and be flexible. These strange pants did no such thing. They were tight, and felt too thick.
But Renji had insisted that this was the style here, and looking around, she knew now he had been right. She tried not to notice how his eyes would skim over her when he thought she wouldn't see. Men, she thought.
She couldn't help but be amazed by how much more advanced the Real World had become, It had been so long since she had been here last. There was tremendous changes done in that amount of time.
She knew she was gawking at everything, but couldn't help herself. It was just all so fascinating.
"Come on, Ise, there's things to see!" She couldn't help but to smile at her captain's enthusiasm. It rubbed off on her, it seemed. She followed him through the crowds eagerly.
OOOOO
They had been walking for hours, as he showed her various things. They had stopped and ate, and he had introduced her to new foods she never heard of before. It was delicious, even though she couldn't remember what he had called it.
They were walking over a small bridge now, and Nanao paused to look over the edge. The large stream that ran beneath it gurgled peacefully and she smiled a little.
The whole day had been exciting, she mused. Even though there were no hallow appearances, which was the original reason for the trip, she had enjoyed herself. It had all together been a perfect distraction.
"What do you think, Ise?" Her captain's voice asked, having stopped and looked over the edge as well next to her.
"I enjoyed this." She answered honestly. He noticed how the smile she offered him reached her eyes for the first time he remembered seeing. She looked a little content, he thought. A little more light hearted as she peered over the stone sidewalls of the bridge.
"I'm glad." He said, meaning it. They turned and began making their way back to the other side of town. It was getting dark now, and they were headed for Urahara's shop, which was their final destination for the day.
Renji, for his part, was very pleased with himself for thinking up this trip. It had done wonders for her, he thought as he glanced over at her next to him. She was still wide eyed as they walked, and he smiled at her curiosity.
"We should do it again." He said casually. She met his eyes with a slight look of agreement.
"I wouldn't mind that." She answered, thinking back to all the shops they had passed, all the neat sights she witnessed. "There were so many things I saw that I would like to see more of."
"Alright then, do you have any specific plans for the weekend?"
"Not particularly." She admitted, she never had plans.
"This weekend then!" He said as they rounded the corner and the shop came into view. Urahara was standing on the deck, speaking with another man. Nanao felt the force of the other man's spiritual pressure and it about took her breath away. She knew this man, but couldn't place it.
"Oi!" Renji called, and when the man turned Nanao had to cover her surprise. It was the ryoka, from so many years ago. The hero of the winter war, Ichigo if she remembered his name correctly. Only…
He was different.
Older, a little more defined in his appearance. His used to be bright orange hair sprinkled at the temples with silver, his face lined some, his chest a little broader. He was still in excellent shape, from what she could tell, far from old age. But it was still a bit of a shock to see first hand the difference in how people age here compared to Soul Society.
"What are you doing here?" Ichigo asked, his voice sounding fond but gruff at the same time. His hazel eyes flickered to her briefly, before returning to Renji.
"Just showing my lieutenant around." He answered, smirking down at her.
"Oh, this is Nanao then?" He asked, looking surprised. "I didn't realize."
"Nice to meet you in person, sir." She bowed respectfully and Ichigo seemed uncomfortable.
"Stop with that polite stuff." He grumbled. "Rukia come with you guys?"
"No, its just us." Renji answered.
Urahara interrupted then, asking everyone to come inside for tea and they started moving towards the shop. Ichigo and her captain jabbed insults back and fourth as they walked through the doorway and took seats around the low table.
Nanao froze before she sat, her foot still raised in mid-step, her whole body stiffening.
Something…
"Ise?" She heard his voice, but it was cataloged to a far corner of her priorities. Another sense was lit up across her attention, and her hands trembled slightly.
"Are you alright?"
"Ise-san?"
Renji was up now, at her side instantly. He shook her lightly and she turned her wide, startled eyes to meet his concerned ones.
"What is it?"
"I…" Her throat was dry. She cleared it, and tried to appear alright to the three men staring at her with various looks of worry. "Sorry, just…tired, I think."
It was a lame excuse, and her cheeks heated from it.
But she couldn't tell them the truth. She couldn't say what she was feeling.
It was a feeling she would know anywhere, in any situation.
She concentrated on it hard, resisting the urge to run after the source. There was no mistake.
It was Captain Kyouraku's reiatsu signature.
Her heart pounded in her chest, blood rushing to her ears. It was impossible.
But, it was his. She had spent more time in his presence than any other's, she was conditioned to his particular pressure from having worked so long together.
It was his, she would stake her life on it. It was weak, so much weaker than what it once was.
"Ise?"
She had to fight back the urge to shove Renji out of the way, to make a scene, to chase after the slight, flickering pressure she felt.
But, it moved away just as quick, the stirring of her senses loosing the read on it.
Focusing on it was near impossible, she realized, with Ichigo in the same room.
It was comparable to trying to feel heat from a candle, with a raging bonfire so close. The man's own pressure leaked and swirled around him messily, drowning out the smaller one she desperately searched for. She had lost it all together.
Renji searched her expression briefly, his brows knitted. Nanao blinked at him, she felt her composure slipping and he must have noticed.
A hush had fallen over the room, and if she wasn't mistaken Urahara looked a little more focused on her than she would expect.
"Guys, we are going to head back." Her captain said then, turning to the others. They nodded, still looking at her worriedly. "See you this weekend."
"Bring the midget with you." Ichigo said offhandedly, and she assumed he meant Rukia. "Nanao, take care of yourself."
She barley managed a polite bow to him, as Renji took her by the wrist, leading her. Her skin felt clammy to him, which hiked up his concern a few notches. He had never seen this woman so…undone. She was white as a ghost, her eyes shinned with a look her would describe as a surprise mixed with slight panic.
They moved to the back room, and she felt like she was on autopilot as she freed herself from the gigai. The weightlessness washed over her, she felt like her body was uncoiling from an uncomfortable position.
Nanao hardly even noticed the odd sensation, however. She was still trying to get her breathing and heart rate back to a normal again.
Renji did the same, stepping free of his gigai, and he hung the blanks both in the closet as she tried to collect herself in silence.
He turned back to her, waiting quietly for her to acknowledge him. He was truly worried at her behavior, but didn't know how to help her, considering he had no idea what the problem was.
After a moment she looked up, meeting his eyes. She seemed like she had a firm grip again, he noted.
The silence stretched, and he saw her look more and more like herself by the second. But he didn't miss the slight tremors in her hands still. With a questioning look on his face, he crossed his arms over his chest.
"Want to talk about it?" Her ca[tain looked truly concerned, like he wanted to help in some way.
"Not yet." She whispered. Nanao wasn't sure if she would ever bring it up, to anyone, but she needed him off her case right now. She felt raw, her emotions frayed with the implications of what she had felt, her whole system was short circuiting. "I'd like to go back, sir."
He nodded after a quiet moment, not prying any more on the matter, and she was thankful.
She needed space.
She needed to think, needed to turn this over in her head.
She would sit in her room, and maw over this over and over and over, she knew.
She would look at the whole thing logically, and eventually accept the obvious. He was gone, there was no way she had felt his pressure.
She would face what she knew, deep down inside of her:
That she had imagined the whole thing.
OOOOO
Poor Nanao, hasn't she been through enough yet?
Seriously, thank you to the faithful reviewers, I like knowing how it is looking to an outside prospective.
So, since I've had quite a few people wonder where this story is going, has this chapter given a hint? ^_^
I hope so. Next chapter will be a bit more informative!
Thanks again, stay tuned.