Title: Simply Be Mine (chapter 9)
Words: ~1,500
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: These people aren't mine, they're just my little play things...

Kurt had trouble sleeping on Saturday night. While Blaine slumbered peacefully next to him, muttering nonsense in the midst of his REM sleep, Kurt tossed and turned under their duvet, unable to grasp fully at the taunting hint of rest. He was unsure of how he was going to answer Finn's e-mail, and although he was completely exhausted from the full day he had spent with Blaine, his mind was reeling and wouldn't allow his body the rest it wanted. His mind continued to play out different scenarios that may come about, should he tell his secret to Finn. He was ashamed to admit that he was a little embarrassed about considering getting a sex change. Kurt had never been embarrassed to be himself – sometimes he was scared about the backlash he might receive, the abuse he might face – but he had never been embarrassed to do what he wanted. Guilt washed over him; how could he ever tell someone to be proud of themselves if he wasn't proud of his own dreams? But, if he was being honest with himself – which he always tried to be – he wasn't really sure if this was a dream or just a fleeting thought.

It was in high school that Kurt first became interested in a sex change: what it entailed, the steps one would take to get one, what happened to the person undergoing it. He had done his research at midnight, when most boys were looking at pornographic videos, and at 2AM, too tired to continue, he would erase the history on his laptop, paranoid that someone might borrow it and know, and crawl into bed. Kurt wasn't sure if he was just intrigued by the idea or if he actually needed to become a woman to be happy. That was what bothered him the most: not knowing. If he could just be sure, then none of this would matter. It wouldn't matter if Finn was disgusted by him, or if his father didn't know how to talk to him. Because Kurt could feel sure that he was being true to himself. As it was, he was up tossing and turning.

Unable to lie in bed any longer, he pushed himself off of the mattress. "Where you goin'?" Blaine's mumbled question came from his side of the bed while his hand reached out to grasp feebly at the waistband of Kurt's pyjama bottoms. Kurt dislodged Blaine's tender grip, stroking his hand once before getting up.

"I just need something to drink."

"Water?" Blaine, still half asleep, hoped that his request was coming across.

"Sure, I'll bring you a glass, too." Kurt bent over the bed to kiss Blaine's temple and walked in the semi-darkness of their bedroom slowly; too many times had one of them stubbed a toe on the dresser. Once he was in the living room, he pulled the door of the bedroom shut and turned on the light, using the dimmer switch on the wall so that it wasn't so bright. He padded over to the kitchen and grabbed two glasses out of the cabinet. What am I going to do? Although he tried not to let any one thing occupy his mind for too long, Kurt couldn't avoid thinking about this. His entire life could be changing. He didn't notice the glass he was filling had overflowed until he heard the slosh of water in the sink. As though he had been burned, he quickly pulled the glass away. He took a long drink from it, almost emptying the entire contents of it, before he refilled it, and filled Blaine's glass, too.

He turned off the light with his elbow and toed open their bedroom door. Blaine was snoring lightly when Kurt set his glass of water next to him on the nightstand. Kurt knew when he woke up in the morning, it would still be full. Blaine only woke up in the middle of the night if something very important was happening. Otherwise, he would sleep straight through. Thirsty or not. Kurt walked back to his side of the bed and set his glass of water down before clambering in, trying to get comfortable under the covers. As he was adjusting his pillow, he felt warm arms snake around his waist. Blaine's lips pressed a light kiss to his back. "It's gonna be ok," he said, leaning his cheek against Kurt's back and resuming his snoring. Maybe it was a response to someone in his dream world, but Kurt decided to assume the declaration was meant to comfort him.

The next morning, as was usual on weekends, Kurt rose before Blaine – regardless of the fact that he was exhausted from his lack of sleep. He would just take a nap in the middle of the day. It was an overcast day outside when he opened the curtains, and Kurt quickly closed them, as though the weather itself was a personal affront to him. He decided to do some yoga that morning, hoping the physical exertion might help to clear his mind. He pushed the coffee table aside and pulled out his mat from the corner of the room, trying to decide if he wanted some music on or not. In the end, he decided he would just hum. It would give his mind something to focus on.

This was how Blaine found him, still in his pyjama bottoms, face to ground and butt in the air. He smiled sleepily and leaned against the door frame of the bedroom. "I know you're stressed," he said quietly, trying not to shock the other man, "When you hum while you're doing yoga." He pushed himself away from the wall and waited while Kurt moved to stand, rolling up his yoga mat. Kurt didn't reply, but frowned and nodded. "Why don't you just tell Finn you'd rather not say? You're not ready to talk about it?"

Kurt tucked the yoga mat back in its corner and walked to the kitchen, moving to get out the coffee. "Finn has always been there for me. Even before we were brothers…in his own 'I want to stay popular' way. I don't really want to keep something from him when he's outright asked about it. In the end, I know even if it bothers him, he'll accept me. The thing that's been bugging me is that I'm not sure about getting a sex change. I don't want to tell everyone and then not follow through…you know?"

"Not really," Blaine decided not to mention that Kurt still stood with his hand on the cabinet handle. He hadn't moved at all while he was talking. "If you decide not to do it, I don't think anyone will say 'But you said!' I know I won't."

Kurt nodded and continued making the coffee, as though he had never taken his long pause. "I'm going to go into work today," he told Blaine.

"What? Why? It's your weekend off," while he tried to keep his voice from sounding whiny, it was hard for Blaine. They didn't get to spend much time together and he really didn't want to miss out on a weekend with Kurt just so he could go into work and avoid his personal issues regarding Finn.

"I don't know, I just need to focus on something other than myself for a while, I think."

"I think you need to reply to Finn. This is going to keep bothering you until you do. That's what I think."

"Ugh," Kurt let out a sound that was a cross between a sigh and a grunt. "I know. You're right. I just…feel…so muddled."

Blaine wasn't sure how to reply to that, so he decided not to. One of the perks of being with someone for so long was that conversations didn't always have to have a definitive end. It wasn't taken as an insult if you didn't respond, or if you stopped mid-sentence. When you knew a person well enough, you could do that. After a moment, though, he decided to change the subject. "Would you like me to make breakfast?"

"That would be nice. I need to wash the bedding today. I could get started on that."

"Okay." He opened the fridge and looked through the food, trying to decide what to make. When Kurt was in the bedroom, stripping their bed, he called out. "Kurt?"

"Yeah?" came a response.

"Don't go to work today. Stay home with me."

"Well, even if I don't go into work, I'll have to leave. I have some grocery shopping to do. And toilet paper's on sale…"