Chapter Twelve: When You're A Boy

"This makeup is really hard to get off, isn't it?" Sam splashed another handful of water over his face, but the eyeshadow remained stubbornly in place. "I guess that's why they call it waterproof."

"No shit, Sherlock." Sometimes Callen really wondered about his partner. "Hetty said something about using cold cream. I looked in the hospital cafeteria, but all they had was yogurt. I guess we'll have to use that soap." He eyed at the bright green antibacterial soap in the dispenser with unease. It looked rather toxic, if he was perfectly honest - like radioactive slime from a horror movie. But, on the other hand, he was beginning to forget what he actually looked like without this hideously thick mask of makeup

Reaching out, Sam squirted a generous amount of soap into his hands, worked up a fine lather and then started to scrub at his face. "My eyes! They're burning." He swore with great fluency and rapidity and stuck his head underneath the running tap in desperation.

Callen wondered if perhaps he should have pointed out the large letter on the container that stated "avoid contact with eyes" in large, perfectly clear letters, but reasoned that if the worst came to the worst, at least they were in the right place to get some help. When Sam's pathetic moans subsided a little he judged it safe to proceed and cautiously rubbed a minuscule amount of soap onto one cheek and then dabbed it gingerly with some toilet tissue. To his great relief, a circle of normal-coloured skin was revealed. Greatly encourage, he applied a little more, but was careful to avoid his eyes. Sam continued yelping and splashing water around in equal measures. "You reckon Kensi has any moisturiser?" he asked after several more applications of soap.

"What?" Sam was finding it difficult to hear over the running water and his own whimpers.

"My skin feels really tight. Like it's parched or something." All those commercials were starting to make sense now. Callen had never really appreciated just what women went through to be beautiful. So why did he have to go through it all and end up looking ugly? He vowed to get revenge for Hetty's cack-handedness, one way or another.

"At last." Kensi was lounging against a wall outside the toilets when they finally emerged, both looking very shiny around the face. "I was beginning to think you'd never come out."

Callen decided to ignore the quip about coming out. "You'll get a bad reputation, loitering outside male restrooms, you know."

"Do I look I'm bothered?" She leaned forward and studied Sam carefully. "I never knew you cared so much, Sam. You're a really sensitive guy, aren't you? Crying so much over Deeks your eyes are red." She gave him a kiss on the cheek, before winding her arms lovingly around his waist and resting her head against his chest.

"Yeah, I'm really cut up," Sam muttered, and squeezed her back, flashing a triumphant glance at Callen.

"Deeks is out of surgery. They say he's doing fine and we can go see him in a while. But only two people at a time," Kensi mumbled, finding her lip gloss was sticking to Sam's t-shirt. Hopefully he wouldn't notice.

Callen flashed her a winning smile and noticed she had managed to find some eyeliner and lipstick from somewhere. Her hair still looked like she was channelling Eddie Van Halen from the 1980s though, and that was so not a good look. It hadn't been good back in the 80s and it was even worse thirty years later. "You and Hetty go first," he offered smoothly. With any luck he and Sam could go get some pizza while the women cooed over the injured hero. His stomach was making all sorts of protesting noises, but that could be due to its relief at being released from those control panties.

"Thanks." Kensi flashed him a quick smile, gave Sam another hug and then went off in search of Hetty.

"Creep."

"Maybe you should get more in touch with your feminine side, Callen? You might have more success with the ladies."

"Come on - that was pretty low, even for you, Sam. Pretending you'd been crying over Deeks."

"Men don't cry. You know that, I know that. But women love nothing better than thinking they've got a strong but sensitive man. Makes them feel all protective. Pays big dividends." Sam rolled his eyes suggestively.

Callen mulled this over for a few seconds. "Point taken. But it was only Kensi, you know. That doesn't count. It's not like you got a real woman."

"I heard that, G Callen." Kensi appeared behind them, having lost her way. "We're back to this whole "men, women and Kensi" thing, aren't we?" She looked totally irate and, in an insane way, totally hot, Callen realised. Even if she wasn't a real woman. She was just Kensi, and that was different. Although he had a sneaking suspicion Deeks didn't think of her in that way. But then Deeks thought about nothing else except women for 99% of the time he was awake. Which wasn't actually a bad thing, not altogether.

Here goes nothing, he though. "I'm just kind of upset about Deeks. Can't stop thinking about him lying there… suffering. In pain." He screwed up his face and tried to think of something really, really sad – like when he'd thought Leonardo Di Caprio wasn't going to die in Titanic.

"Don't patronise me." Kensi turned on her heel and stalked off.

"What the hell happened there?"

Sam smirked. "You've either got it, or you haven't. And you haven't. Not even with Kensi."

"I can still hear you!" Kensi bawled. Pigs, she thought. Sexist pigs. I'll show them. Lots of men appreciate me. I'm a prime dame. They're obviously intimidated by how hot I am. And the fact I can kick ass with the best of them. Better, actually. I'd like to see how they'd manage if they had to wear high heels and a bra, and to have to fight some creep when you're doubling up with period pains. Men – they don't know how easy they've got it. Not a clue.

She wandered around the hospital for some time, without a clue where she was going. Eventually, more by pure luck than anything else, she ran into Hetty, who was looking particularly boot-faced. Mind you, Hetty was rarely seen wreathed in smiles: she just didn't have the sort of face that expressed radiant joy particularly well. Annoyance, impatience and barely veiled hostility were all second nature to Hetty, but not exuberant joie de vivre.

"At last. I was beginning to think you were lost."

"Me – lost? Come on Hetty. Anyway, it's not like I'm some macho guy who thinks it is beneath his dignity to ask for directions." Oh God – maybe the guys were right? Maybe I've been working with them for so long all that testosterone is seeping into me and I'm becoming a man? I'm going shopping first thing tomorrow – and a Wonderbra is top of the list. That'll show them who's not feminine.

Hetty gave her an inscrutable smile that would have put the Sphinx to shame. "Let's go and see Mr Deeks, shall we?" And just make sure you control yourself, my dear. I've seen the way you look at him and I don't want you taking advantage of him when he's unconscious. I'll have to make sure I don't leave you alone with him.