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Chapter 41 – Ready To Love Again
RPOV

Monday.

"If you'll let me, I want to marry you, this Friday and begin our life together." I stared into his bloodshot brown eyes and prayed that somehow, he would forgive me. It was past midnight and he hadn't said a word. I was beginning to think that maybe I was right; maybe I had hurt him too badly for him to ever forgive me.

He stared at my face for a long while, searching for something in my features. His face was still cradled in my hands and we gazed into each others eyes, I didn't look away, I didn't want to look at anything besides his beautiful eyes.

When he didn't say anything I dropped my hands, knowing that we were finished. I guess the shock of it had hit me and all I could do for a while was stare. My lips trembled from the tears I felt coming on but I couldn't do that in front of him. I didn't want to make him feel guilty. "I understand." I whispered, slowly taking off the engagement ring he gave me and placed it in his big hands. It took all my strength not to break down right then and there. I stood up quietly, brushing the sand off and looking at his face once more before turning around.

I couldn't grovel and beg for him when he'd already made up his mind. I told him how I felt and that I was sorry but I guess it wasn't enough to save us. I walked away slowly, feeling the weight of what had just happened hit me and I began to hyperventilate. I tried to get as far as possible away from him before I fell to my knees with my angst and grasped my chest, trying to hold myself together but failing, I just let myself go. I let myself cry and let the weight of the world crash down on me.

My whole life I'd been in love with him and I just threw it away for someone who I barely knew, I was such a fool, thinking that the feelings I had for Damien were anything more than lust. What I had with Jacob was something that most people would never experience in their life. I found my soul mate. The person who I was drawn to wherever I went and the person I couldn't live without.

I shuffled backward and rested my back on the rock wall facing the ocean. I held my knees close to my chest and rested my head on them. The subtle ocean breeze blew my hair around my face, making it stick to my tear stained cheeks. I couldn't think straight. Had I lost the one person I loved the most?

I closed my eyes and I saw his face, his beautiful russet brown skin and his vivacious smile that brightened up my world. I felt his lips on mine and it tingled, I touched my skin softly, testing if he was there only to find I was really alone and this was becoming all too real. I even tried pinching myself to check if I was having a horrible nightmare. At least that's what I hoped for. I was hoping that I'd wake up soon and find myself lying in my bed and I'd look over at my phone to see the most loving message from Jacob waiting for me.

But this wasn't a nightmare and I knew it. My finger felt weightless without the ring, it felt too bare, too naked. It wasn't right. I knew that this whole scene just wasn't right. What was I doing? I was giving up too easily! I needed to fight for my man, for my love, and for my happiness.

I stood up hastily and started marching toward him with a set goal in mind. I was going to explain what happened and I wasn't taking no for an answer. When I got halfway there, he was already walking towards me and I froze, I was not expecting this. I contemplated on turning around but I ground my feet into the sand and stood still.

He looked from me to the ring and back again before saying, "If we do this, you have to be completely honest with me." He stopped in front of me and wiped the stray tears away from my face, "…and you have to make me peanut butter sandwiches everyday." He laughed quietly. I smiled, my eyes still teary and the soft sobs still coming from me but I didn't care.

I grasped his face and pulled his mouth to mine, I was so grateful for this moment, for his forgiveness, for Jacob. I lingered on his lips and felt his tears wet my cheeks. His lips took hold of mine again, he was so gentle. His hands found their way to the small of my back and pulled me closer while I wound my hands in his hair.

When we finally came up for air I rested my forehead against his and closed my eyes, making a memory in my mind and knowing that I was going to marry Jacob in less than five days.

"I didn't…" I started but he put his finger to my lips to keep me quiet.

"Let's talk about it in the morning." He took my hand and led me to our cove, there was a small blanket placed on the sand and we both laid down on it. He put his arm around me and I rested my head on his chest. We kept each other close and warm before drifting off into a peaceful slumber. There was nowhere I'd rather be.

When I opened my eyes, they burned slightly from the tears I'd cried. The sunlight almost blinded me and when the dark spots cleared I saw Jacob's face, soundless and innocent as he slept peacefully. I put my finger to his chin, getting close but never touching, I didn't want to wake him up. I caressed his pink lips with the tip of my finger and it felt like he placed a very soft kiss there.

I could stare at Jacob forever, just watching him sleep was the most tantalising and mesmerising thing I ever saw. It was like, when he was asleep, he was a different person, someone who didn't worry about everything all the time and take on responsibilities that he clearly never wanted to, he was just Jacob when he slept.

His arm tightened around me and he groaned as he broke his sleep, squinting at me through his dark lashes he smiled before yawning. "Hey." He said sleepily and I smiled.

"Hey." I whispered and turned my head to the side to press a tender kiss on his bare chest. The heat radiated off his skin and warmed me up while the chill of the morning air still lingered.

"I could get used to waking up like this." He grinned and I smirked.

"You will get used to waking up like this because I'm not going anywhere. You, Jacob Black, are stuck with me for the rest of eternity whether you like it or not." I giggled and his grip tightened on me, holding me taut against his masculine body. After a long pause he finally took a deep breath and became serious.

"Do you think we should talk about it?" He asked quietly. The pain just slightly breaking through in his voice that he tried to keep steady.

"Yeah," I started, "But before you say anything let me explain what happened on Saturday." He just nodded and inhaled sharply before bracing himself for what I had to say. "I didn't kiss him. In fact, nothing at all happened. When I got home after you dropped me off, he took me out for lunch… I don't want you to take this the wrong way because I love you and I want to be with you," I assured and continued, "but there was this waitress and you know how I hate when people hit on the people I'm with, it's awkward and annoying and I got carried away—"

He cut me off, "You got jealous, okay, continue." He made a motion with his hands indicating for me to get on with the story.

"Well, sort of, and then he wouldn't stop teasing me about it and we got into a play fight and he ran to his room to hide but I caught him and things got a bit… heated for a moment but nothing happened" I emphasised, not wanting Jacob to get angry, "…and we decided to watch a movie, he asked me what I was thinking and I said I was thinking about the wedding, I closed my eyes just to concentrate on what I was actually thinking about, which was you, and when I opened my eyes he was so close to my face and then you came in and everything just got so out of control. I never meant for anything like that to happen." By the time I finished explaining, I was breathing heavily, trying to catch my breath. I said all of it so fast that I wasn't sure Jacob caught what I said. It looked like he was trying to put all the pieces together in his mind.

He closed his eyes for a minute before speaking, "So, you have feelings for him?" I knew it was hard for him to say out loud but it was even harder to hear it.

"Vague feelings, yes… But it doesn't compare to what I feel for you. It was just curiosity. I just—I've never known feelings for anyone but you and when Damien came along there was this attraction," I sat up to get a better view of his face. His forearm covered his eyes though and I didn't get much of anything, "I just wanted to be wanted." I whispered. He moved his arm away and look at me.

"Was I not enough for you? Was I so… distant that you had to look for an attraction in someone else?" He said painfully. I could see in his eyes that what I said hurt him, but I needed to honest with him, I needed to tell him everything.

"After the attack you were just so detached, you got angry all the time, it was like I hardly knew who you were. Then Damien started showing me that love that you used to and it reminded me of you so much that I went along with it, I wasn't thinking properly." I explained and he shushed me.

"I get it. I was so selfish and only thinking about myself—"

"No! This is not your fault! This is all me. I'm so stupid that I didn't realise that what happened, not only traumatised me, but you as well. I didn't see it and I'm sorry, I should have been there for you more instead of yelling at you and making you feel like you had to be strong, you were hurting too and I should have been there." I looked down at my hands and they were shaking, it was so hard to realise the truth while saying it to the one person you were keeping everything away from.

"If I hadn't been so freakin' scared the whole time, you wouldn't have had a reason to find love elsewhere, this is my fault." He tried to turn this whole thing on him but I wasn't going to let him.

"Look here, Mister, stop trying to blame yourself, this is nobodies fault but mine and I wont let you try to make this all your fault. God! You always do that, for once, just let me feel bad, stop trying to make everything better by harbouring the responsibilities. This is my fault. Deal with it." I said with authority and he was instantly taken back by it.

"How about this, it's not your fault; it's not my fault… It's Damien's fault." He grinned and I smacked his burley chest.

"Jacob!" I laughed and he put his arms up defensively to protect himself.

"Okay, fine. Just a suggestion." He chuckled and I shook my head at him dismissively. He pulled me down onto the mat and moved on top of me, pinning my arms to my side and letting me feel a little of his weight. "…but a very good suggestion." He grinned and pressed his eager lips to mine. It was only our first kiss since we'd woken up and I was already feeling some morning glory going on. "Now that I've got you trapped," I raised my eyebrow at him in anticipation, "Be honest, did you move into the main house so you could explore that curiosity of yours?" He looked at me and waited for my answer.

"Well, the thought hadn't occurred to me until after I had agreed to move in… It was part of the reason I stayed though." If he wanted me to be honest, then I wasn't going to sugar coat anything, I was going to let him have it just how he wanted it.

"Thank you for being honest." He smiled half-heartedly before pressing a brief but gentle kiss on my lips. Oh, so he was going to reward me every time I answered a question. I was liking this a whole lot more now.

"Let me ask you a question now." He looked at me patiently and urged me on with his curious eyes, "Were you jealous?" I grinned and he rolled his eyes before looking at me.

"Maybe a little." I eyed him suspiciously and he cracked under the pressure, "Okay, so I was jealous of him, so what?" He chuckled and I reached up to kiss him. I knew it.

"Thank you for being honest." I grinned and he rolled his eyes at my victorious expression. I felt like this massive weight had been lifted off me. It was so nice to be able to share all this with Jacob and not have to worry.

I pushed against his body and flipped us over. I rested my chin on his chest as I stared at him, a half smirk played on his lips. "See, you always want to be on top." He chuckled and I grinned.

"The view is better this way." I laughed and winked. I pressed my lips to his warm biceps. "Did you actually think I would kiss him?" I said after a long pause.

"I dunno… I just—I knew things weren't as good between us. I never thought you would kiss him, but I couldn't be sure if he would kiss you. Y'know?" He tried to explain in as little words as possible. I guess I could see where he was coming from. I would never have initiated the kiss, but that obviously does not apply to Damien as well. "Can I ask you something though?" He asked quietly. I just nodded and waited for him to speak again. "Would you have kissed him if I didn't show up?" He propped his elbows behind his head and looked at me patiently while I deliberated.

"I'm not going to lie to you anymore… so probably." He looked away and I immediately regretted telling him that. "…but I would have stopped it and I would've told you straight away because I love you and nothing in the world could ever change that." He looked back at me then and smiled.

"That's all I could ever ask for." I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. Somehow everything was so much better; all these things I'd been keeping in were what was wrong with me. All those doubts and worries disappeared as soon as Jacob knew about it. It was like he absorbed all my problems and made everything better.

"I like this. The whole 'talking about things and having everything in the open.'" He smiled into the kiss and I grinned.

"Me too." This whole time we'd been talking about Damien and me, it was time to get the gossip on what Jacob had been up to lately, "You know when we got back from New York?" I asked and he nodded carefully, "Something was bothering you, what was it?" I asked and waited curiously as he considered telling me what was going on.

"Okay, well there's been some trouble in Vancouver…" I raised my eyebrow suspiciously and he continued, "It's out of our jurisdiction but your family has been keeping us informed just in case." He stopped and waited for me to say something.

"When you say trouble, what do you mean?" I tilted my head to the side curiously. There could only be one thing that he would be keeping tabs on.

"Pretty much sloppy vamps." He took a deep breath, "Before you were born, the same sort of thing happened, they targeted Bella, but now that everything is in the clear, the only logical explanation is that someone is getting a little pissed off with your family and our treaty, we're just keeping an eye on the situation, making sure no unwanted vamps cross over into our territory." I remembered vaguely when dad gave me a rundown of our history that he mentioned new born vampires in Seattle. This was Vancouver though, they couldn't be targeting us, and they're closer to the Denali clan. "Just before we got to New York, Sam called and said that the same sort of trouble was brewing in Oregon and Idaho. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry." He smiled and I eyed him. That wasn't the only thing he was hiding by the looks of it.

"It sounds like they're surrounding Washington." I said warily and waited for him to say something.

"All this started after your attack… We were talking about it and we thought that it's possible that the person who attacked you is the same person in charge of this… outbreak." I closed my eyes and thought for a minute. I tried not to think of my attack but the same memories kept flooding back, the black out, the waking up and the not knowing whether I was going to die.

"This is—um… This is too much." I gulped as I thought about the possibility that my attacker was still out there and might be planning a full on attack on my family.

"This is why I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to worry. We've got this entire thing sorted, nobody's gonna get close enough to hurt you. I promise." He kissed me and I could feel the worry he felt through the way his lips moved against mine. I couldn't quite fathom the possibility of somebody hurting my family because of me.

I pushed the thought to the back of my mind. This was all too familiar for my family and like they say, lightning never strikes the same place twice.

You know what to do. ;)