Author's Note: This fiction is the result of eating old pizza and watching, "The Juggernaut, BITCH" before going to bed. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone but the prostitutes.
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PimpSilver
"GET DOWN!!!" Lance screamed as a spray of bullets shattered through the kitchen window and peppered the opposite wall with bullet-holes. The entire Brotherhood hit the deck except for Fred who covered his face and absorbed the impact into his impenetrable skin. Todd whimpered and crouched behind Fred, "What the hell is going on, yo? Who's shooting at us?" Before anyone could hazard a guess, another burst of gunfire sounded and several items of furniture behind the cowering Brotherhood were obliterated by the spray of bullets.
Then, as if to answer Todd's question, a voice could be herd shouting at the house between bursts of gunfire, "Ha! Eat lead motherfucker! I'ma get revenge for what you did to me PimpSliver! There can be only one Masta Pimp in Bayville!!" The entire Brotherhood immediately turned and fixed death glares at Pietro.
Pietro gulped. "Y-you guys don't seriously think he's talking about me? C'mon PimpSilver could be anyone! Maybe he got the wrong address or.."
Lance army crawled over to Pietro and yanked his face to within an inch of his own. "What. Did. You. Do?" He growled.
Pietro held up his hands and laughed nervously. "Well, it's kind of a long story.."
Another round of gunfire tore across the room.
Lance snarled, "Talk, or I'll hold you up and let that guy fill you full of bullets!"
Pietro palled, "Okay, okay, sheesh… friggin psychopath." At Lance's furious look he quickly continued, "Uh, well, it all started about three weeks ago. I was heading into the city, minding my own business…."
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Bayville; Inner City, Three Weeks Ago.
Pietro whistled to himself as he strolled down the sidewalk. He was heading off towards his favorite hair salon; the one with the really hot Italian girl… or maybe she was some kind of Spanish. Whatever. He grimaced in disgust as he stepped around a homeless person sprawled across the crumbling sidewalk. Normally he wouldn't have been in this neighborhood, but cutting through here was a great shortcut, and since he couldn't use his powers in public, was too broke to hire a cab or bus, and Lance refused to drive him, shortcuts were the next best thing.
Pietro stopped at an intersection and waited impatiently for the light to change so he could cross. Quickly running out of patience, he looked around to see if anyone was watching and prepared to use his powers to cross the road in less than a second. Just as he was about to take off though, he heard something that stopped him dead in his tracks.
"No, don't! Please!"
Pietro looked around for the source of the voice. About a block to his right there was a large black and white striped limousine. Standing next to it was a man decked out in an outrageous fur coat, a large, striped hat, and holding a diamond-studded cane. He was holding the wrist of a scantily-clad woman, and judging by the terrified look on her face, he wasn't being too gentle.
"Damn it, Bitch!" The man yelled, "I thought I told ya'll not ta show yo skinny-ass hide back at this corner till Benjamin here has hisself a couple of friends!" He snatched a solitary C-note from her hands and waved it in her face.
"I-I'm sorry Zebra Daddy, but I couldn't find no…"
"Shut the fuck up, ho! I don't wanna hear yo' excuses! Now, are you gonna go earn, or is Zebra Daddy gonna have to choke a bitch?"
Pietro grimaced. He shouldn't interfere. It was none of his business. He should just keep walking, someone else would take care of it. It didn't concern him.
"Hey, leave her alone!"
Damn it.
"Zebra Daddy" turned to look at Pietro. "What's that? You got something to say to me, bitch?"
Pietro narrowed his eyes and walked towards the man. "Yeah, leave her alone."
Zebra Daddy stared at Pietro for a moment, then burst out laughing, "Oh I know some skinny-ass white boy didn't just try to get all up in Zebra Daddy's grill!" He reached into his coat and pulled out a glock pistol. "You best be stepping off, cracker befo' I bust a cap in yo' ass."
In less than the time it took for Zebra Daddy to blink, Pietro had run up, emptied his gun of bullets, and then ran back to where he was. Zebra Daddy didn't notice a thing.
"Go on then." Pietro said, "Shoot me. I dare you."
Zebra Daddy's face twisted into a mask of rage, "Oh, you know I will white boy! Time to die!" With that, he pointed the gun at Pietro's chest and pulled the trigger several times, only to hear the empty click of an unloaded gun.
Pietro grinned, "My turn."
Without using his speed, he darted forward and punched Zebra Daddy in the face as hard as he could. Zebra Daddy fell to the ground, clutching his face in pain. "You bitch! You can't punch me! Don't you know who I am? I'm Zebra Daddy, Bitch!"
Pietro snorted, "You're also an asshole, and I don't like assholes."
Zebra Daddy staggered up and pointed at Pietro, "Ya'll aint seen the last o' Zebra Daddy! I'll get my revenge!" With that, he turned around and stormed off.
Pietro smirked and turned to the woman, "No need to thank me miss, just doing what comes natural. But if you really want to thank me I do accept money."
The woman just stared at Pietro with a dumfounded look on her face.
Pietro fidgeted "Okay then… I'll just be going now…"
"No, wait! You… you beat up Zebra Daddy! Zebra Daddy's gone!"
As soon as the words had left her lips, the doors to the limousine opened and a dozen other women stepped out. All of them had astonished looks on their faces as well.
Pietro started backing away, "Yep, Zebra Daddy's gone. I'll just leave you all to celebrate…"
But before he could get away, the women surrounded him in a circle. The woman that he'd saved stepped forward. "You can't leave, don't you know the tradition? You struck down the old pimp, so now you must take his place!" She bent down and picked up the cane that Zebra Daddy had dropped, "Take this pimp-cane, stranger. It is your scepter of power, with which, you shall rule over all things pimp!"
Pietro stared. "I-I'm the new pimp?" He looked around at the women who were now kneeling for him and slowly began to smile. Turning back towards the woman he'd saved, he hesitantly reached out, then, making his decision, he firmly grasped the pimp-cane in his hand and raised it above his head. The second his hand touched the mahogany handle of the pimp-cane, there was a massive flash of bling and the knowledge and power of all things pimp flew into Pietro.
"All hail the new pimp!" the women cried. "Tell us, what should we call you, what is your pimp-name?" One woman asked.
Pietro thought for a moment, then smiled, "Call me…. PIMPSILVER!!"
"Hooray for PimpSilver!" The women cried as they piled back into the pimp-moblie. Pietro grinned as he strutted around to the driver's seat; his money problems were over.
Several hours later at the Brotherhood house, an extravagantly dressed Pietro barged in through the door. "Yo, hommies, The Pietro is back!" The rest of the Brotherhood turned to stare at Pietro, who was wearing what looked like a combination of his battle uniform and a fur coat along with a feathered fedora.
"Yo, Pietro, what the hell are you wearing?" Todd asked.
Pietro chuckled, "Like my new threads? I had em' custom made in the fanciest clothes shop in town, cause I'm ballin' like that."
Fred scratched his head in confusion, "But, how'd you pay for it? We're flat broke."
Pietro smirked, "Not anymore, Blob. I got a new source of income. Our money problems are over." With that, he pimp-strutted over to the couch, tossed a large wad of twenties in Lance's lap, and pimp-strutted out of the room and up the stairs.
Lance sat there, stunned, looking at the wad of money in his lap. Then, he slowly looked up at Todd and Fred, "What the heck was wrong with Pietro's leg?"
As the week wore on, Pietro began acting weirder and weirder. He disappeared every morning, only to arrive again in the late afternoon with a large wad of bills. He also took to calling everyone "bitch" and backhanding Toad when he was upset. His number of dates seemingly skyrocketed as well, because it seemed like he was always seen with some girl in his arms. Or two girls. Or five. But, the rest of the Brotherhood didn't complain. After all, with all the money he was brining in with whatever it was he was doing, the bills were getting paid and the fridge was always stocked. They even had enough money to hire a cleaning service!
Everything was going great, that is until someone that nobody knew drove up and started shooting at their house.
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Brotherhood house, Present
"You're a pimp!?! That's where all this money's been coming from?!?" Lance shouted.
Pietro held up his hands, "Hey, hey! You said you wanted to know the whole story!"
Lance gave him a dirty look and let him go. "We're not done. I'll finish with you after we take care of the guy shooting up our house." He turned to look at Fred, "Blob, go out there and see our guest in, why don't you?"
Fred grinned, "Sure thing Lance" He turned around and charged through the wall, the bullets having no effect on him. Several seconds later they heard a very high-pitched scream and the sound of a car being destroyed. Several more seconds later, Fred came back in with a struggling Zebra Daddy in his arms.
"Let me go you fat fuck! I'll cap all yo' asses!"
Lance frowned, "Toad, shut him up."
Todd grinned, "With pleasure, yo." With that he spat a large, adhesive glob of slime at Zebra Daddy's face, covering his mouth and silencing his stream of curses.
Lance crossed his arms and looked from Zebra Daddy to Pietro and back again. "Alright, first things first; Pietro, you are not being a pimp." Lance held up his hands to silence Pietro before he could complain. "I don't care how much money you make pimping, it isn't worth it. Stealing is fine, extortion is fine, drug trafficking is fine, but there is no way I'm letting you be a pimp."
Zebra Daddy began making triumphant sounds, but Lance rounded on him and punched him in the gut to shut him up, "I wouldn't be too excited if I was you. From what Pietro told me, you're an even worse pimp than he is, and that's pretty damn bad!"
Pietro grinned, "Yeah, tell him La… HEY!!!"
Lance continued, "So, here's what's going to happen. Pietro, you're going to give this guy back his 'pimp-cane' or whatever and stop being a pimp." Lance turned to Zebra Daddy, "And you're going to be a pimp again, but, we're going to be watching you. So, you better be extra polite to your employees or you might have an 'accident' get it?"
Zebra Daddy nodded.
Lance paused, "Wait, I changed my mind. You're going to be extra nice and you're going to pay us forty percent of what you make or you will have an accident"
Zebra Daddy looked defiant for a second, but quickly surrendered when Lance shook the house for emphasis.
"Toad, you can let him talk now"
Todd hopped up to Zebra Daddy and tore off the adhesive slime, leaving a large red mark on Zebra Daddy's face.
Lance turned to Pietro, "Now, give the man back his pimp-cane."
Pietro sighed and handed Zebra Daddy the pimp-cane. The second Zebra Daddy grabbed it, there was a massive flash of bling and the knowledge and power of all things pimp flew out of Pietro and back into Zebra Daddy. "I HAVE THE PIMPAGE!!!!" Zebra Daddy cried.
Lance sneered, "Yeah, yeah, just remember our deal. Wouldn't want a freak earthquake to destroy your home."
"Well ain't that a bitch? A'ight motherfucker, I feel ya. The bitches is gettin' better treatment an' yo ass is gettin' paid on Friday." With that, Zebra Daddy turned and pimp-strutted off into the sunset.
When he was gone, Pietro turned and looked at Lance accusingly, "Wait a God damn minute! You just said that you didn't want pimp-money, but you're taking money from a pimp!"
Lance shrugged, "Yeah, but this is extortion money. That's different."
Pietro went to argue, then sighed and walked away. "Oh, whatever." he muttered, "At least I've still got that cool suit."
He walked into the living room to get his pimp-suit out of the closet, only to find Toad standing there wearing it.
"Toad! What the hell are you doing in my-"
Before Pietro could finish his question Todd cut him off with a backhand slap to the face. "Shut yo' ass up, bitch! Don't you who I am? I'm Frog Daddy, Bitch!"
Pietro began to back away slowly, "Now Toad, don't do anything stu…"
But he was cut off yet again by two globs of slime; one that covered his mouth and one that stuck his feet to the floor. Pietro hurriedly tore off the slime covering his mouth, but before he could remove the slime rooting him to the floor, another glob of slime enveloped both of his hands and hardened like cement, rendering them completely useless.
Todd smirked and performed the newly-christened "pimp-hop" over to Pietro. "Silly bitch, don't you know you cannot fight my pimp-slime? I think I'ma have to educate yo' ass wit my pimp-tongue!"
"GUYS!!" Pietro screamed, "Help me!"
Lance and Fred casually leaned in the doorway and gazed upon the situation. Lance turned to Fred, "I don't see anything wrong going on in here, do you Fred?"
Fred shook his head, "Nope. Sometimes a pimp's just gotta smack his bitches around. Teach 'em respect." He said solemnly.
"Hey come on guys!" SMACK "OW, Seriously!" SLAP "OUCH, for the love of God, Help me!" WHACK
Lance and Fred just stepped back and shut the door.
End.
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Author's Note: Because It's hard out there for a pimp. Oh, and you get ten points if you review and tell me where I stole Zebra Daddy from.