Author's Note: Pure crack. I was originally going to do an angst-y piece about Toad pick pocketing for cash, but then I came up with this and it just seemed so much better.
Disclaimer: I own many things. X-Men: Evolution isn't one of them. Yet.
Robbin' Hood
It was a normal afternoon in the Brotherhood living room. Lance was lounging on the sofa, strumming his guitar, Wanda was relaxed in the recliner chair, reading an ancient tome on magical knowledge that she had just got for $3.89 at Barnes and Noble, and Pietro was playing against Fred in an intense, high stakes game of Go-Fish. The only thing abnormal was the absence of a certain amphibious teenager who would usually have been either doodling in his notepad with his feet somehow or aggravating Wanda with his penchant for stupid pet-names and eating the local insect life. As if noticing the absence of his "Little Buddy" Fred looked up from his card game at Lance, "Hey, Lance, have you seen Toad around? I haven't seen him all day." While he was making this inquiry, Pietro took the liberty of speeding around behind him and taking the next half a second memorizing his hand.
Lance stopped strumming his guitar, "Eh, I saw him this morning, but he went up to his room and I haven't seen him since then."
"Shut up, both of you," Wanda snapped, "Toad's been less annoying this week than he is usually, and I don't want you jinxing it."
Having returned to his previous spot before Fred could realize what was going on; Pietro spoke up, "Yeah, the slimy Frog's been quiet all week, what's up with that?"
Lance shrugged and went back to strumming his guitar, "I dunno. I saw him finishing up a book earlier. Maybe he's been reading it all week."
Pietro snorted, "Toad? Reading? Are you sure using your powers don't affect your brain functions, Lance?"
"Hey, I know it sounds weird, but that's what I saw. He was sitting in the recliner, finishing up a book. I could see the title, it was called…."
At that very moment, the loud BANG of a door being thrown open pierced the air, and a green blur shot into the room shouting, "YO HO!!!" The blur ricocheted off the far wall, bounded off the ceiling, turned a quick ninety degrees and leaped off the floor, then came to rest on the back of the sofa. There, posing dramatically for the entire Brotherhood to see, was Toad… in green tights. "Greetings, peasants, tis I, Robbin' Hood!"
The awkward silence that immediately fell registered a 12 on awkward-o-meters around the globe. Wanda snapped her book shut. "Well, it was nice while it lasted. I'm going out until Toad gets over his bout of insanity."
Toad immediately hopped after her, "But, fair Maid Marian, I would seek to win your heart today!"
"Fair Maid Marian" responded by hexing him back into the living room.
Undaunted, Toad immediately sprang back up, "Pay no heed to the fair maiden's displeasure, O filthy peasants! For I, Robbin' Hood, have devised a plan that will defeat the X-Sheriffs of Nottingham, make us all rich men, and win the heart of Maid Marian!"
The Brotherhood continued to stare blankly at Toad. Eventually, Fred shrugged and got up, "Sounds good to me. I been waiting for some action."
Toad beamed, "Excellent! You are the first of my group of Merry Men. I dub thee, 'Little John'!"
Pietro gave the two an incredulous look as he stood up, "Wow. I knew you two were losers, but I had no idea you were such big dorks." He turned around and began speeding out of the room.
Toad smirked, "Fine, be on your way. Tis' no true loss for Robbin' Hood and his Merry Men."
Pietro froze mid-step and slowly turned around, "What did you just say?"
Toad smiled, "Only that you are not needed."
Pietro stormed up to Toad and jabbed a finger in his face, "Oh really? You think you don't need me? Well, I got news for you 'Toady-Hood'. You do need me, and to prove how much you need me, I'm gonna join your little band of Merry Men, so there!"
Toad's smile broadened, "Then welcome to Robbin' Hood's Merry Men! You shall be called Alan-a-Dale!"
Pietro smirked, "Right, ho! Robbin' Hood. Now, I shall maketh Little John and thee a proper suit, for you look like freaking idiots!" With that, Pietro sped out of the room, only to speed back in seconds later, sweeping by Todd and Fred in a blur of speed. To the collective astonishment of everyone in the room (except Pietro) Todd and Fred were garbed in traditional Robin Hood and Little John costumes. Todd grinned and adjusted his new feathered cap. "Thank thee, Alan-a-Dale. The Merry Men are certainly lucky to have you amongst our number."
"Thank me not, Robbin' Hood! You shall repay my services whence we commence kicking the asses of the X-Sheriffs of Nottingham!"
"Aye, Alan-a-Dale, but before we can commence the plan, we must recruit more Merry Men!" Todd turned to look at Lance, "What say you, peasant? Would you like to join my group of Merry Men?"
Lance shook his head in disbelief, "Man, you guys just get weirder and weirder. I'm out."
Todd gasped, "The peasant cannot leave, he's seen too much! Little John, apprehend him at once!"
"Right away Robbin' Hood!" Fred sprang into action and grabbed Lance in a bear hug, preventing him from escaping the insanity. Or breathing.
Todd hopped up to Lance and eyed him carefully, ignoring the streams of profanity that were being hurled at him and his Merry Men. Finally, he stood up and turned to address his motley band. "Men, if this peasant doesn't want to join us willingly, I suggest we force him to join!"
"HERE, HERE!" Fred and Pietro shouted.
Todd turned around and pointed at Lance, "I dub thee… Friar Tuck!" Before Lance could protest, a Pietro-shaped blur flashed by him. Looking down, he discovered he had been crammed into monk robes.
"Someone shoot me."
Todd ignored his new recruit's suicidal wishes, "Now, come Merry Men, my plans can now come to fruition! We're off to quarters of the X-Sheriffs of Nottingham! To the carriage!" And with that, Robbin' Hood and his assembled band of Merry Men dashed heroically towards their carriage; except for Friar Tuck who was slung over Little John's shoulder and carried heroically to the carriage.
The Merry Men piled into the jee….carriage, with Robbin' Hood at the wheel… er… reins. From his captive position in the back, Lance groaned. "Damn it, you guys are all crazy! Toad doesn't even have a license!"
Todd grinned and gunned the engine, "Bah, what need of licenses has Robbin' Hood! I know how to drive a carriage well enough!" Before Lance could retort, Todd shifted into drive and floored it, sending the "carriage" careening down the street and around the corner.
In far less time than any sane driver should take, Robbin' Hood and his Merry Men arrived at the Mansion of the X-Sheriffs. Quickly leaping out of their carriage, the Merry Men strode boldly up to the gate.
Todd cleared his throat, "Little John, announce our presence to the dishonorable swine!"
Fred grinned, "Right away Robbin' Hood!" Without further ado, he stomped up to the gates and tore them from their hinges, then flung them into the yard, destroying several defensive laser cannons. He grinned even wider, "Knock, knock!"
As the X-Sheriffs emerged from the mansion and began sprinting toward the Merry Men, Pietro suddenly realized that none of them had any idea what Todd's plan was. "Say, Robbin' Hood, what's your plan for destroying the X-Sheriffs?"
Todd laughed, "Well, Alan-a-Dale, for my plan to succeed, all you and the Merry Men need to do is… provide a distraction!" Before he had even finished speaking, Todd was hopping away as fast as his legs could carry him. The rest of the Brotherhood stared, slack jawed as their "leader" escaped.
Pietro whipped around, "A distraction!?!?"
Lance snorted, "What the hell does he expect us to do? Dress in drag and dance the hula?"
Pietro stopped mid-rant and looked at Lance strangely. Slowly, a large grin began to creep onto his face.
Lance held up his hands and began backing away, "Oh no, I recognize that look. That's the look you get when you're about to ask me to do something that will make me question my masculinity!"
But, before Lance could make his escape, the X-Sheriffs surrounded them.
"Alright you losers, I don't know why you're here or why you're dressed in tights, but I do know that you're about to get trashed." Scott yelled.
"So, he doesn't know us huh?" Pietro smirked, "Well then Merry Men, what say we educate him?"
Pietro then burst into song.
Pietro: We steal from the rich and give to the needy!
Fred: We take a lot off the top
Pietro: 'Cause man, we're greedy!
Pietro: We steal and we plunder, time and again!
Fred: Who are we you ask?
Both: We're the Merry Men!
Fred: With not a lot of brains, but a whole lotta brawn,
Pietro: His name's sure ironic,
Fred: I'm Little John!
Lance: I'm an innocent victim, I've no part in this, Kitty!
Fred: Hah, that's not true!
Pietro: He's singing in this ditty!
Pietro: Alan-a-Dale likes a fight and a hot, saucy maid!
Lance: What he's basically saying is he likes to get…
Pietro: PAID!
Pietro: When an X-Nerd named Hank stops us from holding up a bank,
Fred: That's Bad, That's Bad, That's Bad, That's Bad!
Pietro: In fact the lack of money is really making us mad!
Fred: We're Mad, We're Mad, We're Mad, We're Mad!
Pietro: So we take our mutant powers and we kick a lot of ass!
Fred: You better say your prayers, 'cause this moment is your laaaaasssssttttt!!!
The awkward silence following the Brotherhood's improvised song was so intense that several of the more inexperienced X-Men spontaneously passed out due to severe brain hemorrhaging. Seeing this as a perfect opportunity, the Brotherhood immediately sprang into action. Screaming like small children they sprinted over the fallen X-Men and ran back to the jeep as fast as they could. Under normal circumstance, the X-Men would have pursued them, but the incredible awkwardness of the Brotherhood's song had not yet worn off and the X-Men that were still conscious were paralyzed by it. Several hours later when they had regained the use of their bodies, the X-Men would vow never to speak of that day ever again.
Meanwhile, as the Brotherhood were making fools of themselves, Todd was enacting part two of his plan. With his Merry Men distracting the X-Sheriffs he, Robbin' Hood, was free to sneak into the mansion and plunder all of its treasure and valuables! With uncanny stealth and silence, Todd leaped up to a second story window and clung to the wall beside it. Carefully, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his special window cutter; a brick. Then, with the utmost care and secrecy, he heaved the brick through the window, smashing it to pieces.
Acting quickly, Todd sprang through what was once a hand-blown French artisan window with trim by a master woodworker and landed in the room. Whistling jauntily, he pulled out a large burlap sack and began strolling down the empty hallways. As he walked, he tossed the various priceless artifacts and antiques randomly decorating the walls into his bag. After only a few minutes of ransacking, he figured he had enough loot and turned around to exit the mansion. Unfortunately, there was a figure blocking his way. A short, hairy, Canadian figure.
Wolverine growled and popped his claws, "End of the line, bub. Put back the stuff and maybe I'll let you off with only minor injuries."
Todd grinned, undaunted, "So, we meet again, Sheriff of Nottingham!"
"Sheriff of Nottingham? You feeling alright, smelly?"
"I feel fine, but soon you will not!" Todd shouted, as he pulled a home-made bow and arrow out from nowhere. "Your hand-knives cannot best my skill with a bow!"
Wolverine blinked, "Kid, that's a plunger duck-tapped to a broken hockey stick with a toothbrush glued to a marker for an arrow."
"Don't try and distract me, for it will not work!" Todd growled and pulled back on his bow. However, because his bow was really just a plunger duck-tapped to a broken hockey stick, it immediately snapped apart, sending bow pieces scattering in every direction. The arrow flipped off behind him, leaving a large marker smear all along the wall, the hockey stick shot off to his left and embedded itself in a door, and the plunger shot forward and adhered itself to Wolverine's face.
Wolverine frantically tried to remove the toilet sanitation device, but it was stuck pretty tight. Sensing an opportunity, Todd sprang into action. With a heroic call of "Robbin' Hood, YO HO!," he sprang over Wolverine and out a window, carrying his sack of plundered loot with him. "You'll forever remember this as the day that you almost caught, Robbin' Hood!" Todd cried as he hopped away.
"That line's not even from the Robin Hood mythos!" Wolverine screamed at Todd's retreating figure. Muttering, he stalked back toward the garage to brood while tuning up his bike. "Kids these days. No respect for literature."
Several hours later at the Brotherhood house, Wanda was relaxing in her room. She had returned to the house a while ago to see if Toad's stint of insanity was over and was pleasantly surprised to find an empty house. Deciding to take advantage of the rare peace and calm, she decided to relax by listening to her favorite loud, angry death metal band. Unfortunately, her peace and calm was not to last.
With absolutely no warning whatsoever, Toad came flying through her open window, hit the floor, rolled a few times, then came to a stop sprawled out on her rug. Then, slowly and with great pseudo-pain, Toad struggled to his feet.
"Oh, what a cruel world! Fair Maid Marian, I am slain! Alas, before I go, please accept this parting gift!" With that Toad held out a small box and did a very cheesy fake faint.
Wanda simply stared at him. After a few minutes, the "dead body of Toad" slowly began to inch the box closer to her. Rolling her eyes and sighing, Wanda shot a small hex bolt as his prostrate form, zapping him out of his "death" and out of character.
"Owww! Wanda, what'd you do that for?"
"To get you to stop acting like you're a medieval English outlaw."
Toad frowned, but quickly perked up, "Well then, as a modern-day American outlaw, I'm asking you to take this present."
Wanda eyed the gift with suspicion. "We can barely afford running water, where did you get the money to pay for a gift?"
Toad grinned sheepishly, "Well, that was kind of the reason I was acting like Robin Hood, yo. I stole from the rich X-Nerds to give to the needy, and we're pretty needy."
Wanda smirked. The little worm was witty, she'd give him that. "Alright" she said, "Give me the box."
Toad beamed and quickly handed her his present.
Wanda opened it cautiously, just in case he'd decided to buy her a tarantula or something. However, her caution immediately turned to amazement when she saw the contents of the box. Laying on a smooth, velvet surface were two ruby crystal earrings shaped into ankhs. Wanda gasped and looked up at Toad, "Toad! These are beautiful!"
Toad grinned cheerily, "They ain't as beautiful as you, sweetums."
Wanda allowed herself a small smile, "Thank you Todd, really."
Toad's grin erupted into a full-face smile, "No problem, baby cakes! Besides, this is only part one of my gift!"
Wanda raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what's part two?"
Toad beamed and hopped over to her door, "Part two is were I make you dinner!" he proclaimed, and hopped off toward the kitchen, leaving Wanda alone to reevaluate her opinion of the amphibious teen who she thought was just a disgusting annoyance.
As Toad hopped merrily down the stairs though, his former group of Merry Men waited for him at the bottom; none of them looking very merry. Toad paused, "Uh… hi guys."
Pietro narrowed his eyes, "A distraction, huh?"
Toad gulped, "Uh, yeah… about that… y'see."
Fred cracked his knuckles, "Yeah, I see a frog-boy who's in a whole lot of trouble."
Toad gulped even more, "But I robbed the X-Nerds and pawned their stuff! I got cash! I can pay you!"
As the Brotherhood began stalking towards Toad, Lance spoke up, "Oh, I think that you're definitely going to pay!"
When Wanda began to hear Toad's high-pitched, girly screams, she assumed that he had burnt himself while cooking yet again, and turned up her music.
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Author's Note: My inspiration gave out about halfway through this, so it probably wasn't my best work. Oh well, whatever. You get ten points if you can tell me where the line about dressing in drag and doing the hula is from.