Haja

Chapter 10

('''……''' = catspeak)

Haja felt the legs under him shift and he was jumping down before he was totally awake. Snape was standing and the people at dinner were all bidding each other a good night. Snape and Draco were heading back to the dungeons and Haja trotted along at Snape's heels, trying to resist the twisting robes as they danced in front of him. When they were walking down the stairs, Haja pounced on the ends of the black robes as they dragged down the steps and wound up being pulled down a few thumping steps before he jumped off. Snape turned and leveled him with a stern stare. Haja knew that meant that he was not to do that again, without Snape saying a word. He meowed a soft apology and followed the men into the Potion Master's quarters.

Draco was already speaking, "If you have a few moments, I have some questions about the readings you gave me."

"Of course, Draco. Come and sit."

Snape turned to Haja and gave him another meaningful gaze. Haja was uncertain about the meaning of that look, but he finally decided that Snape meant for him to go to his own room where he could become human again. He walked slowly to the wall where his door was hidden, eyeing Draco. When Draco looked at him, Haja twitched his tail and flattened his ears back a little, just so this human would know that this cat didn't like him either.

The small doorway appeared at the touch of a paw and Haja went through quickly. Behind him he heard Draco ask, "What room is that?"

Snape murmured, "A small storeroom."

"If you have an extra room, maybe I could stay here instead of the dorm…"

"No. We both need our privacy and that would put us in too close contact beyond the day hours we spend already." There was a clink of glassware. "Now what were your questions?"

The doorway sealed and disappeared and Haja could hear nothing from the room outside anymore.

Concentrating, he shifted back to human and went to take a shower. Afterwards, he sat down cross-legged on the bed and wrote in the journal. In human form he was able to see the correlation between the moth and a snitch. The cat was instinctively a hunter and the darting prey had triggered a reflexive need to track and attack. A snitch was much the same, and the chase of it had always given Harry a high that seemed beyond what his teammates felt as he played Quidditch beside them. Perhaps the feline instincts had helped Harry tune his skills even when he was new to the game. When Draco had caught the moth, Haja had been furious. His prey had been snatched away and he meant to get it back! Looking back, Harry knew he should feel bad about using his claws to climb Draco, but somehow he just couldn't force himself to. The human part of him knew that Draco resented the presence of the cat, and that Draco had captured the moth out of spite.

As he wrote and reread the journal entry, his eyes grew heavy. He didn't know if Snape planned to check up on him after Draco left, or if Draco had even left for his own rooms. He couldn't check, because a glance around the room told him that the map wasn't in here with him. Snape must still have it, then.

He thought about shifting back to Haja just to go out there and glare at the two Slytherins, but when he sat up, he realized that all the unaccustomed activity had exhausted him. Even though he was fully healed, he guessed that he had some work to do at building up his endurance. He jotted down a note to ask if it was possible that he used more energy in cat form than in human.

Laying the journal aside on the bed, he slid down under the covers. He left a candle burning, just in case Snape should come in. He ignored the little voice that said he hoped that Snape would come in to check on him…

************

Nightmares woke him. He laid there, breathing fast, feeling the sweat on his skin under his pajamas. The door opened silently and he started at the sudden presence of Snape at his bedside. He sat up and ran a hand through his hair, waiting for his heartrate to slow, both from the dream and the appearance of Snape.

"Nightmare?" Snape asked quietly, sitting down on the bed beside him.

Harry nodded, not looking at him.

"Do you wish to talk about it?" He conjured a glass of water and handed it to him.

Harry gulped the water gratefully, but shrugged when he handed the glass back. Snape could see the pulse in his throat slowing and Harry's breathing became calmer.

"Same old stuff, I guess."

"Considering that I don't know what the 'same old stuff' is, perhaps you could enlighten me."

Harry looked up at Snape, expecting to see a sneer along with those words, but instead saw only a shadowed concern. For a moment he stared, startled by noting that emotion. Then he shook his head slightly.

"It wasn't a vision nightmare, sir. Just the typical ones where I meet up with Voldemort in the graveyard again."

"By typical, you mean you have it often?"

Harry sighed. It seemed that Snape was determined to pull information out of him on this.

"Yeah. My mind seems to be set on having me see it all again and again in glorious Technicolor."

"Tek—what?"

Harry gave a feeble smile at Snape faltering with the muggle word. "Muggle term…means I see it in very bright and colorful terms… for as much as it can be when it was so dark there…"

" I have only Albus's version of what happened that night, and also a few comments here and there from the Death Eaters who were there."

Harry looked up at the man, struggling to make sense of a Potions Master who sat and conversed calmly with him. He decided that he liked being able to do so.

"Were you called that night?"

Snape nodded, unconsciously rubbing his left forearm. "Yes. Later, I explained that I was unable to leave in the middle of the tournament."

Harry twisted the blanket in his hands before saying quietly, "You helped subdue Crouch that night…after I got back and he took me back to the castle."

"I would have subdued him sooner, had I realized that he was not Moody. I was not privy to that information." He tilted his head, looking at the shadows under Harry's eyes. " Will you be able to sleep again now?"

Harry shrugged. "Maybe. Sometimes I just lay awake the rest of the night after one of these dreams. I keep replaying it… what if I hadn't offered to share the cup with Cedric… what if I had been faster once I realized what was happening. When I close my eyes… I see Cedric's eyes… staring up at nothing." He hesitated, "Sometimes I get out the invisibility cloak and wander the castle. I have to keep moving to make the eyes go away."

He looked up at Snape through his lashes to gauge his reaction to that admission. He half expected to see derision or maybe even disgust that Harry was still so affected by the events in the graveyard.

The man stood up and held out a hand towards the open door. "Let's go have a cup of tea. I'll look at what I have on hand and see about giving you a small dose of Dreamless Sleep."

Harry climbed out of the bed and followed the Potions Master to the small kitchen off the sitting room. He waved Harry to a chair while he pointed his wand at the kettle. He pulled 2 cups from a cabinet and set them on the table, along with sugar and milk. The silence allowed Harry to take a deep breath. He thought that Snape would be asking for more details about his dream and he really didn't want to talk about it anymore. It was enough that he had no choice about the dreams and visions when they occurred. Talking about them always made him feel like a student version of Trelawney.

Snape poured the tea when it was ready, leaving room for Harry to add a generous helping of milk and sugar. He disappeared into the other room for a few moments and then returned with a small vial.

"This is a derivative of Dreamless Sleep. We'll add only a few drops to your tea before you've finished. You'll be able to sleep, but it won't cause you to sleep overly long in the morning." He placed the vial beside Harry's cup and then took his own seat.

Harry decided to voice his objections up front. "I don't want to talk about the dream anymore, sir."

Snape regarded him silently as he sipped from his own cup. After a bit, he put the cup down and leaned forward to gaze at Harry intently. He folded his hands before him as he leaned on his elbows.

"Your dreams are likely due to the trauma of the events. Have you ever spoken about what actually happened, from the beginning to the end, now that you are far enough past it to look at it calmly?"

Harry stared back at Snape for a long time, trying to see what it was the man was asking. Finally, "I don't understand, sir. What do you want me to say?"

Snape sighed heavily and picked up his cup again. ""Even though it has been a long time since the Tri-Wizard Tournament, I suspect that it still weighs heavily on you. You just shared with me some of what you see in your dreams, and I'd wager that you have never shared that with your friends, or with anyone else."

Harry looked at him and his mouth opened and closed several times before he said softly, "I told Professor Dumbledore a bit, right after Barty Crouch was kissed. He was more interested in how my wand responded to Voldemort's wand, though. I didn't tell him about much else, and he didn't ask."

Snape looked to be clenching his jaw and Harry could see the tension in the set of his mouth. He sipped his tea and then asked, "What about your friends? Did you confide the events to them?"

Harry shrugged. "Some, I guess. Ron knows I wake up a lot. He found out I was putting a silencing charm around my bed at night and he put a stop to it. I mean, he didn't stop me from doing it, he just cast his own charm so he would know if I had a nightmare. He gets up and makes sure I'm okay… he said he didn't want me to go through it alone."

Snape's estimation of Ron Weasley went up a notch at that. "And Granger?"

"Hermione thinks every solution can be found in a book. I suppose if there is one, she'll be the one to find it. She tried to get me to tell her, but I just couldn't. It all sounds so unreal when I try to tell it."

He picked up his own cup and took a tiny sip. Then a bigger one. Maybe if he got to the end of the tea and put the potion in he could get away and go to bed again. He picked up the vial to do just that and Snape's hand shot across the table to stop him. He curled his fingers around Harry's wrist and Harry looked over at him in surprise.

"I think you need to tell it. I think you need to be able to let it all out and make it a less powerful torment."

Harry tugged a little on his hand and Snape let go, sitting back again.

"If you can't say it out loud, try writing it in your journal. Tomorrow, as part of your meditation, I want you to write about the nightmares and the events that you believe cause them."

Harry took a shuddering breath. "Will you be reading it?"

"Do you think I should?"

Harry gave that little shrug that Snape was learning meant he was nervous. "You're the only one who ever really wanted to hear about it."

"What do you mean? I'm sure others have asked—"

"That's just it, Professor. They've asked, but they only wanted to know the stuff that was awful to them; the stuff about when Cedric died, when Voldemort came up out of that cauldron… no one really wanted to know what it was like to be tied to a gravestone, to see the Death Eaters come flying in and surround me… to have Voldemort locked to me by our wands—" Harry broke off, swallowing hard. He looked away from the table and struggled to get the trembling caused by the memories under control. Instead, the shaking grew even worse until his teeth were chattering.

He heard Snape murmur an accio and then felt the throw from the back of the sofa being wrapped around his shoulders. Snape was silent as he refilled Harry's cup by half. He uncorked the vial and carefully added four drops to the cup before sitting back down in his own chair. Harry looked up at him and the dark eyes were gazing at him with concern.

"Harry… I believe that you must get this out in the open; whether by talking or writing it down. I was not aware of how deeply this was affecting you, but it is still causing you a great deal of pain, isn't it?"

Harry gave a jerky nod and looked down at his fingers as the clutched the throw. Snape reached over and pushed the cup closer to him. "Drink your tea." After Harry had picked up the cup, he added, "To answer your question, yes, I will be reading your journal. It's the only way for me to be able to help you."

Harry nodded and then sipped the tea until it was almost gone. The potion worked very quickly and Snape came around the table again to put a hand on his elbow when he got up. He made sure Harry made it back to his bed and then drew the blanket up over his shoulders after Harry laid down.

Harry's eyes were already closing when he felt Snape's hand brush through his hair. "Sleep well, now. We'll talk again tomorrow."

*********

When Harry awakened, he sat on the edge of the bed for several minutes, thinking about how he had told Snape things he had told no one else. Part of him was embarrassed, but part of him felt relief that someone, even Snape, was willing to hear of the darkest parts of him. He wanted to be suspicious of Snape's motives, but the man had been so uncharacteristically nice that it was hard to hang onto the doubt. Harry was fairly certain that Snape was hardly ever nice to anyone, and he certainly wouldn't ever be nice to Harry Potter if he didn't want to.

He shuffled into the bathroom to shower after seeing that it was mid-morning. Snape had said he would sleep a little later, and he really felt better for the longer rest. When he came back into the room, there was a note on the desk that he had not noticed before.

Harry,

I know you may have second thoughts about journaling your memories and thoughts about your dreams.

I also know that you will feel better after it is begun.

Here is a new journal for that purpose, to keep it separate from your animagus studies.

Dobby will bring you breakfast when you call. I will be in the lab with Draco.

SS

Harry looked at the bound journal that the note had rested on. This one was dark green and Harry wondered if Snape was hinting at something Slytherin, or if he just chose it to distinguish it from the other..

It took him a long time to be able to decide just where to start when speaking about the dream that plagued him most. The whole year leading up to those events were a disaster and had been a great stress on him, with all the people he had thought understood believing that he had snuck his name into the Triwizard Tournament. He had been bereft of his best friend's support. Rita Skeeter had made it her personal mission to splash outrageous stories about him in The Prophet on a daily basis.

All that, leading up to the final event… the maze where he made the decision that both he and Cedric should take hold of the cup. He had thought it only fair… he wasn't even supposed to be in the tournament … he had trusted Moody, and even still he kicked himself for that grave error. If he had only been more vigilant, like the real Moody always said, he believed that he might have avoided the Gryffindor trait of bravery in the face of odds that were beyond all reasonable expectations, of trusting people at face value…

He found himself staring into space and shook himself out of the recollections to focus on the journal. He picked up the quill and began;

The whole year was one big nightmare and there isn't any really good place to begin. I admit that this may ramble a bit, but I reckon it's my journal, so I can do that if I want to. One of the animagus books said something about freely writing whatever comes to mind for those exercises. I think I'll use that here, too…

Harry wrote until he realized that his fingers were cramping. He uncurled them from around the quill and stretched them out. He counted the pages that he had written and was startled to find almost twenty, filled with his typical small and crowded scrawl. (Ron always tried to get him to write bigger to finish up the required inches sooner, but it always felt unnatural to do that.)

Looking up, he cast a tempus and was surprised to see that it was past lunch. His stomach was growling as he put the journal aside and swiftly shifted to Haja. He went through his door and listened for any sounds coming from Snape's quarters. All was silent so he went out the door and into the hallway to hurry up the dungeon stairs.

Focusing on his leg muscles, he leaped up the steps two and three at a time, reveling in the power he felt as he pushed off with hind legs and stretched his front legs out to grab the next step. At the top he halted and twitched his ears, listening. The sound of cutlery and conversation came from the Great Hall and he walked quickly through the open door and up to Snape's side.

Snape looked down at Haja and Haja gave a plaintive meow. A snap of Snape's fingers had Dobby appearing with a plate that was set down in front of the cat. Chicken salad on a single piece of toast was inhaled ravenously. Afterwards, Haja sat washing his face with a delicate paw as he listened to the voices flowing around him.

"…decided to postpone the trip to South America until later in the summer…"

Snape's voice washed over him and he perked up at the words. He had spent a considerable amount of time worrying about what he would do while the Potions Master was on his trip with Draco. As much as he wanted it to be different, he knew that the trip was a necessary one for gathering ingredients, and it was also very unlikely that he would be allowed to go along. He had a deep dread in the pit of his stomach over the thought of being here in the castle without Snape's presence. Why he felt that was a mystery. He recalled an unaccustomed sense of distrust when he thought of being with the Headmaster alone. Snippets of conversation flitted through his mind and he sat there staring into space as he tried to piece them together into some kind of order.

Chairs being pushed back across the floor made him jump, but the hands that were suddenly picking him up were what startled him even more. He hissed and began to struggle before the calm voice of the Headmaster whispered a spell that immobilized him.

"I believe it is past time for Haja and I to become better acquainted. Come Haja…I have some lovely treats that I think you'll enjoy. They're some of Minerva's favorite catnip biscuits." He was stroking the cat and Haja caught a quick glimpse of Snape's face as they turned to the door. He thought the man might look angry, but he couldn't tell. He tried to meow his distress and it made him even more anxious that he couldn't make a sound in addition to being unable to move.

Did Snape believe that he was quietly agreeing to this?

"Albus, Haja is still learning his way about, I'd be happy to accompany him—"

"Nonsense, Severus. We're going to be great friends, aren't we Haja? We will see you later. Have a good afternoon everyone."

The intense blue eyes pierced Snape and then turned to Minerva as well. Albus nodded at them all and then swept from the room with Haja in his arms.

Minerva and Snape were exchanging silent looks as Draco looked on with interest. The other professors, Hagrid, and Filch were unaware of the tension filling the space and they made their way to the doors bidding their own good afternoons.

Severus and Minerva were speaking behind a silencing ward, both gesturing angrily and faces red with emotion. Draco narrowed his eyes at the commotion over a stupid cat. Shaking his head he went back to the dungeons to begin the afternoon's potion work. Severus had set a strict time table so that the restocking of the Infirmary was done, as well as the brewing of a number of potions that were advanced level healing potions that would be sent on to St. Mungo's.

The slamming of the outer door of the Potion Master's quarters had him casting a stasis spell on his cauldron and coming out to the sitting room. Severus was pacing the floor in front of the fireplace, muttering curses under his breath. He stopped when he saw Draco standing there with a questioning look on his face.

"All this over a cat? Maybe you should just give the thing to the Headmaster and get yourself another one, if it means that much to you."

"Stay out of it, Draco. It is no concern of yours." Snape resumed the pacing.

"It is my concern. You are my godfather, and obviously this is upsetting you. I may not understand your sudden attachment to the cat, but I care that it has effected you like this."

Snape halted his movements again and opened his mouth to respond, only to close it again with a snap. He would not, could not, reveal his reasons to Draco at this time. Draco's allegiances were not clear, his motivations were suspect, and he had always hated Harry Potter. If he had any idea of Haja's human identity the temptation to go straight to his father might be too much to resist. He craved the elder Malfoy's attention and Snape knew that this could be a golden egg in his hands.

With a tired sigh he rubbed a hand over his face before pinching the bridge of his nose. "The Headmaster will give the cat up when it suits him. I am simply put out with his high-handedness in taking him up to his own quarters." As a lie it would have to do to appease Draco's curiosity. In reality he was very concerned about what might be happening to Haja at this very moment.

Minerva had said she would go up straight away and invite herself into the Headmasters office. It had not escaped either of them that the tiny cat had been immobilized as Albus had held him. The brief hissing struggle had ceased all too quickly and the glimpse of dilated green eyes spoke volumes for the cat's fear.

Waving a dismissive hand, Snape spoke, "Go back to the lab and complete your work. I will check the quality later. Don't forget that the Ameliorative Draught is to be kept in its most concentrated state before it can be sold to St. Mungo's."

"I have your clear instructions. You won't be disappointed."

Snape merely nodded and turned away from the blond to resume his pacing. Draco stood there for another few moments before quietly going back to the lab.

********

"Well, Harry. It's been too long since we were able to have a chat, hasn't it. You need have no fear, my boy. I'll release you from the binding spell in a moment."

Albus put the cat down on a chair and then waved his wand at the door, sealing it shut. He sat down behind his desk and conjured a tea set before waving his wand towards Haja and murmuring the counter to the spell holding him in place.

Haja leaped from the chair and raced to the door. His paws had no effect on the door and in an instant Harry was standing there and using his hands to desperately tug at the door handle.

"Let me out, please, sir." He turned to the headmaster and glared at him reproachfully.

"Now , Harry… we haven't spoken alone since you arrived. You've recovered nicely, and now it's time for us to have a long overdue conversation."

Harry walked slowly back to his chair and perched on the edge of the seat. He felt trapped, and he didn't trust the cajoling tone Albus was using. Where was Snape? Was he just going to let the headmaster do this? Was he going to come and get him?

Albus poured a cup of tea and pushed it across his desk towards Harry. Harry eyed it suspiciously and refused to reach out for it.

Albus sipped his own cup and watched Harry over his half glasses.

"You may be interested to know that both Minerva and Severus have been very protective of you since your accident."

Accident? Is that what he thought it was that Dudley and his friends had nearly killed him?

"They went to your relatives and rather rudely interrogated them about your life there. It occurs to me that there are a number of factors that could be easily misunderstood and I want to make sure that you know that I have always had your best interest in mind, Harry."

He looked at Harry expectantly and Harry realized that he wanted him to agree with what he had just said. He whispered, "I know, sir. I know that you only mean well."

That seemed to make Albus relax a bit and Harry relaxed a little bit too. He wished Snape would come and get him. He wished he was in his hidden room, curled up on his bed, or better yet, buried under the warm covers. He wished he was anywhere but here, pinned under the benevolent blue gaze.

**********

A/N: Well hello everyone. I am so sorry for the update delay! Once the school year started again things got insane! Being a Kindergarten assistant leaves me totally drained by the end of the day, and then there's the PTA stuff, Band Booster club stuff, scout stuff, church stuff, and other mom stuff that has to be done! Needless to say, I have had few precious moments to spend on writing! Things may happen pretty slowly for awhile, so please be patient with me!

I usually try to give a personal response to reviewers but I haven't had time for that either. So, I'll thank each and every one of you here! Thank you for the reviews, and the story alerts. I appreciate them all more than I can say. It's the only 'payment' we fanfiction writers receive, so it means a lot!

Remember that I am not using a beta for this story and all mistakes are solely my own. It is all AU. I have been given the gift of several great ideas from some of my reviewers and I am looking forward to the points when I can incorporate them into the story!

Lastly, I hope this isn't too much of an evil cliffie…