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BANDS OF black AND blue

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16 : if love be logical

There are times on the rooftop where I sit there, floating aimlessly in some medium between 'asleep' and 'awake', and I wonder - quite soberly - why I cannot muster up the appropriate amount of hatred for Tetsu; why I need to hate his no-name school, his terrible choice of new light, his future and past opponents - why I need to hate all those things, as some way of hating him.

It's stupid, I know that much - it's what I've been telling myself ever since Tetsu left early that one afternoon - the one that signified Teikou's third national championship. If I was logical - like Tarou or the captain or, well, anyone really - it would be really obvious: here is the person that stole everything from you and you should hate him.

I've been trying to rationalize it for months... maybe even years. I don't know when the niggling feeling started in the back of my head. It was certainly before we became triple champions. I suppose it probably started that one evening. He came in late for practice and I remember being surprised; he was infinitely punctual than I and I was the one who had only one love in life - as Satsuki so aptly put it - and that was basketball. Looking sad, telling me how he wanted to quit and, for some reason, I didn't want that.

He was, quite frankly, a godawful basketball player. I'm not joking when I say that after a good three months of practice - with me of all people! - he still couldn't defend any of my shots, much less dribble his way pass my defense. Never once had I ever seen him make a basket and, with all honesty, I probably should have told him - strongly suggested, urged, forced, whatever - to quit basketball before that night.

But Tetsu - well, Kuroko-kun, as I called him back then - he was different. How, I still can't explain, especially since he was such a terrible player. But he was dedicated; he loved the sport as much I did, and he didn't have the glory of victory as a possible reason. And - as I told him before - I respected him for that.

The captain - Akashi, who the hell else? - had talked to me about practice schedules and something or another. It was normal enough; I was supposedly the ace of our basketball team after all. And then he looks over my shoulder, as if he's just noticed someone, and then I remember that Kuroko is still behind me. That was the start - of an absolutely unprecedented move - a third-stringer moving up not only to the first string, but to a regular position on first string.

Even I, who had qualified for first string after three weeks of intensive practice, wouldn't have been able to claim such a feat. It was like the waters just freakin' parted for Tetsu or something, and somewhere deep down inside, I was... well, irritated wouldn't be the appropriate word, if only because 'irritation' has a target, but it was close. I was restless, and even though I didn't want to admit it, the fact of the matter was: Tetsu was surprisingly good in his element - I needed him in the harder games because without him, I wouldn't be able to score.

All the same, in the face of this sort of acknowledgment, I always thought there was some degree of unfairness. Ryou made it obvious when he pointed out that even after a year and a half of being a regular on the team, Tetsu still couldn't make a single basket - even while unguarded. He's different, completely different from the two of us, I had told him - and everyone believed that to some degree, even the captain.

He steals my spot as the essential member of the team within weeks of his first game. Everyone else is replaceable, Akashi tells me - straight to my face - and still, I can't find it in myself to hate Tetsu. I've never been one for attention, save for people that I respected, and Tetsu takes that too - starting with Tarou and then Satsuki and then Atsu and Ryou and finally the captain. But before Tarou, he steals my attention. I've still got the spotlight - I'm still the person that scores the most points (triple digits to Tetsu's consistent zero) and I'm still the famous "second-year-ace" of the Teikou basketball team.

But he has everyone I actually want.

(And - the worst part - I can't hate him because I am drawn - just as much, if not moreso, to his ever-reliable presence on the court.)

But those moments; they're excusable. The fact that he's the reason why I hate a sport I used to love like nothing in the world is not. He's the one who was all smiles and promises, telling me of a person - who existed - who could best me in basketball. Ridiculous, I knew even then, and still, I had believed in him. I had trained harder, had not bothered stopping because look isn't this fun why don't you like losing?, and everything that I had felt towards basketball -

It had been transferred without my knowledge, to Tetsu. Before I could even acknowledge it, I loved playing basketball with him; loved running side-to-side, pass-to-pass, front and back as if there was no one else on the court but the two of us (again, again).

Tetsu - of course - takes even that, takes everything with him when he leaves in the middle of the ceremony, ignoring all of all franctic calls, not telling us which school he ended up going to until it was too fucking late to sign up and purposely distancing himself from the rest of us. It feels like a slap in the face - and that's what it is and even now, I still can't accept it, still can't accept the fact that our adoration, our affections and attentions - that I was not enough for him to stay.

Hate him, hate him, hate him - it's the mantra I chanted to myself when our first match was starting up (when I was on the rooftop, trying to convince myself to hate him). He's the one who has taken everything from you, he's the one that told you that surely someone existed who you could play all-out against, he's the one who joined a no-name school, looking to topple the Generation of Miracles. They're all legitimate reasons and they shatter like glass against sidewalk when he sees Tetsu again, feeling the all-too-familiar ache in his chest.

Aomine closes his eyes, pressing his lips together. It's alright, he decides, if he still cannot bring himself to truly hate his old Shadow. He just needs to make Tetsu hate him - just needs to make Tetsu hate basketball as much as he himself does - and then, it will be alright.