I am here When it Matters

5:10 AM

Andy woke to the sound of a car pulling away. She turned her head, knowing that she was in Sam's bed. Her body stretched out and she pushed her head into his pillow breathing in his scent. Memories of Sam flooded back to her making her feel sad and alone. Its was at this moment that it hit her. The smell of her favorite flower. She looked down. It tock her eyes a second to adjust. She saw a single yellow tulip next to her on top of a white envelope. She was suddenly wide awake. She looked at it and instinctively knew that it was from Sam. She stood up and looked around saying in a loud urgent voice

'Sam ?'

She scrabbled out of bed, which caused the tulip and envelope to fall to the ground. Rushing out of the bedroom, all she wanted was to see Sam sitting on the sofa or making breakfast, or doing anything just as long as he was there, but as she looked though the apartment he was nowhere to be found. She noticed that the 3 bags which had been sitting next to the front door where gone. She leaned against the door frame, exhausted and confused. She could feel her self welling up. Walking back into the bedroom, she looked for the tulip and the envelope. Picking it up from the floor she held the flower to her noise and breath its sent in deeply. Sam was the only person who knew that tulips where her favorite. Every time Luke had got her flowers he had chosen them and she had never corrected him, but Sam had once asked her what her favorites where and she had told him, thinking nothing of it at the time.

She shock the envelope was thick and inside small metal objects jingled. On the front hand written list which read

Andy before you open this please do the following

1. have a shower and put some fresh cloths on (there are some of Sarah's in the spare bedroom)

Please read what is inside somewhere nice, in the sun, outside.

She looked on confused. She knew it was from Sam and while part of her wanted to rip it open, another part of her wanted to follow what Sam had written, just to seem where it lead, but more out of a sign of respect, a sign of love for him.

She had a shower and changed into white tank top and warm orange fleece that where in the spare room. She kept her jeans and put her shoes on. Walking out of the front door the sun was almost up. She saw the communal garden across from Sam's apartment, and knew that the spare key would open its gate. She walked over, the letter in one hand and the tulip in her right hand which she held against her chest. Getting to the gate she open it and went over to the one of the benches and sat down placing the envelope on the hard wood surface. She placed the tulip next to it looking at it lovingly. Opening the envelope she poured out the contents. Inside where a folded up piece of paper and two sets of keys. She unfolded the paper and recognized the hand writing, it was Sam's. She began to read the letter

Dear Andy,

I imagine you reading this letter somewhere nice, outside maybe where the sun is shining and you have the tulip I got you near by.

She glanced at the flower and brought it closer. She continued to read

Its been an eventful day for me and you. I am writing you this letter in the hope that I can tell you some of the things that I didn't have the courage to tell you in person and maybe help you going forward.

By now you know all about what really happened with Ben Dixon and possible Fisher and me. What you don't know is why I kept it a secret. I wish I had told you but that would have been selfish of me and no good would have come of it. As much as seeing you with Luke hurt, he made you happy and thats the only thing that I have ever wanted for you Andy, to make you happy.

Looking back over the last year and half I feel happy that I had the chance to know you and see you grow as a police officer, but more importantly to have you in my life. You've heard me say how awesome I am a thousand times, but the truth is that I was never awesome. Your the awesome one. Your the person that has the biggest heart of any person I have ever know. You care so much about people that I know it wears you down, but its what makes a great copper and a beautifully person. Being your partner was the greatest experience of my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. That being said I do have one regret and that is not telling you howI really feel about you.

I love you Andy McNally.

A tear rolled down Andy's cheek as she read this. All this time, and he had finally told her what they both knew, what she had been too scared to admit. She continued

I always have and always will. I want nothing more than to be by your side each day protecting you, making you smile, sharing those special moments that only me and you seem to have.

Andy smiled at this, knowing exactly what moments Sam was referring too.

I know after today there seemed like a chance me and you would have been something more than partners, more than friends and as much as it pains me too I know that where I am right now it would have never worked. I love you too much to risk hurting you, but I don't know who I am anymore and its something I need to find out because without that I am no good to you, or anyone. I know that you may blame yourself for what has happened but don't, I did what needed to be done to keep you safe and I don't regret any of it.

She was trying her hardest to hold back the tears as she continued to read. He was doing what Jessica said he would, putting it all on him.

What the future holds for me I don't know. I am going to work for Fisher and don't know if I will ever be coming back. What I do know is that where ever I am, whatever I am doing, your will always be in my heart. To this end I tried to think of what I could do to help you move forward Andy. I remember a conversation we had a while back about time and space.

She smiled at this. She remembered it too, another one of their moments that only they shared.

I don't have anymore time to give Andy, but space, I can give you space. Looking back over the past year and half , I know that you have never really had a space to call your own, a home that was yours and yours alone. To this end I have left you my house. It has been paid off and is now in your name.

She glanced over at the keys, in shock. One of the sets was indeed Sam's apartment keys. She tock a moment, taken a breath. He had left her his apartment. She was shocked and sad at the same time since she knew that it meant he really wasn't coming back. She continued

I also have left you my truck (its parked at the 15th). Andy if you take nothing else from this letter please understand the following. They are yours now. They are not a monument to me or what we had, but yours. Make it your home, a place you feel safe and wanted. A place you want to be, a place you can go after work and feel like your finally home, where nothing can bad ever happen to you. I have never asked anything from you, but for me, please do this.

She looked at the letter and what it was implying. He really did love her, love her so much he had given her everything that he had. He was right, she had never had a place she could call home, a place she felt safe, and yet the one thing she needed, he had managed to give her. She smiled a sad smile. She continued

Andy I don't know if we will ever see each other again, but please don't worry about me, I am going to be fine, but more importantly so are you. I asked Shaw to look out for you, and even though it doesn't seem like it now, things will get better. You have a family at the 15th, a family that really care for you and your going to be a great copper, and have a wonderful life. I only wish that I could be there to be part of it.

'I wish you where here too Sam' she said before continuing

I will do my best to stay in contact and maybe one day we will meet again. Take care and always remember how awesome you are.

Love Sam

She looked at the end of the letter. Love Sam. Holding it she started to shake and brought her knees up to her chest and brought the letter close to her, feeling that it was the last thing she had of him, and started to cry. All she wanted was to feel Sam, feel him hold her and be close to him but she knew his touch would never come. Holding the tulip close to her lips, she said in a whisper, to herself, but more to Sam

'I love you Sam'

END

Please note that this is not actually the end, only the end of this part. There is more to this, but I have decided to continue it in another story.