(6)
When I wake up, the sun has set. I get out of bed. My father says I'm going to a presentation in front of District 13. He helps me into some clothes. As he is doing so he says, "Katniss, I think we should talk about this pregnancy."
I gulp. Almost too loudly. "Of course," I say in response.
"When your mother was pregnant with you, it was a difficult time for us. I had to work a lot at the mines and we couldn't spend much time together. But it's all different for you. You don't even know if Peeta is alive—"
"He is," I cut him off. "Peeta is alive."
"Ok," he says soothingly. "Katniss, what's going on in that little head of yours? You seem like such a different person."
"I am a different person. I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm not that shaking tribute I was last year. I've seen death and I've been in love. I've been in pain and I've killed people. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared. I am frightened for my life, for Peeta's life and our child's." This little speech surprises me. Somehow my father has pulled something out of me. He got me to tell him exactly how I really feel.
He gives me a reassuring pat on the back as I tie my shoes. "It will all work out in the end."
We step out of the room and I touch my toes, stretching out my back. Together we leave the house and meet up with Haymitch and Finnick. My father and Haymitch take the lead and start walking very fast.
Finnick comes up to me. "Now listen, I'm breaking a pact to be nice to you. I was given strict orders not to tell you anything we discussed our meetings. But I have to warn you," he lowers his voice, "you're in for a shock tonight. It's just an illusion. We have to keep it going. Don't take it too seriously."
"What are you talking about?" I keep my voice quiet.
"You and Gale need to be separated. Can't have anyone getting suspicious," he says.
Now I'm annoyed, "There is nothing going on between Gale and me!" I cry out a little too loudly. Haymitch turns his head around to look at me. He gives me a look that makes me shut up.
"Oh I'm sure, 'Catnip,' that nothing is going on with you and Gale. Especially with that kiss. Oh, he wants to help you. So sweet! Ugh, whole bunch of…" Finnick stops talking as Haymitch gives him the same glance he gave me.
We spend the rest of the time walking side by side, remaining very quiet. In the meantime, I get a good look at District 13. The buildings look firmly built. The homes are squashed together in rows and are all very uniform. Besides the town hall, there looks to be a trading market and a very large square. There is hardly any greenery. The lack of woods is so unfamiliar for me. Growing up in District 12, I guess I just got used to seeing tons of trees all the time.
We meet up with Gale and Madge and they are up to their usual tricks. All the fake affection makes me sick, but then it reminds me of Peeta and me. And look how I feel about him now. Gale and Madge are holding hands, hugging, rubbing noses. I distinctly observe there is no kissing. This actually makes me feel better. Somewhere deep down inside of me I still feel a longing for Gale that will not go away. No matter how much I ignore it, I will still want him. I also notice it has no connection with how much I love Peeta. But I must stop thinking of him. There is no future between Gale and me. We were never meant for each other. We could never be together. Ever. Just as I realize this, Madge stands on her tippy toes and kisses Gale full on the mouth. They both blush. I feel jealousy arouse inside me. So much for no thinking about him. Now I can't imagine myself stopping.
My father stops walking with Haymitch and turns around. He must notice my expression. Yes, my teeth are clenched and my face is the color of a ripe tomato. He wishes me luck and disappears into the crowd I just realized has formed in the square. I'm overwhelmed. How could there be so many people here? Where did they all come from? I start to feel faint. I was already feeling really tired, but as I get a good look at the mass of people, I start to feel like I'm going to pass out.
A path is made for us and the whole mob gets silent. You can hear our footsteps. The five of us march into the middle of the square. Haymitch addresses the crowd. He talks for a while about my accomplishments, my love for Peeta and everyone's will to stay alive, to keep fighting, to rebel. After his speech, he accepts questions from our captivated audience. A girl steps forward and says her name is Meliss. She looks about the same age as my sister and has black hair and olive skin. Just like Leanore, I don't remember her from the Seam. She speaks loudly for her size, "How are you going to save Peeta?"
Of course they want to know the plan. So do I. I take this as my chance to find out, so I pretend to look uninterested as Haymitch begins to answer her question, "We plan to shut down the Games."
The square erupts in chatter. Everyone has something to say. I think it's a very vague answer, but I'm satisfied. Shut down the Games. Now I must know exactly what they are planning to do, but Meliss is on top of it. As soon as it has settled down, she asks my question, "How are you going to do that?"
Haymitch clears his throat like an important person and responds, "I'm sorry dear. That's confidential."
A few more people ask questions. None of them really interest me. But then a man with brown hair and dark yellow eyes asks a question specifically for me. "What do you think will Peeta's reaction be when he sees you?"
It is more of a social inquiry, not for information or knowledge. I open my mouth to answer but Haymitch cuts me off. "Katniss will not be accompanying us on the journey…"
Everyone starts yelling and calling out. The common question is "Why not?" All I want to know is if Haymitch will answer them truthfully. I wait until they quiet down.
"Katniss isn't coming because of health issues," he resolves.
Health issues? Why do I feel like I have an illness? Apparently the mob doesn't want to hear that.
It quiets down and the man with the yellow eyes says, "What kind of health issues?"
This time it is Gale who speaks, "Don't you all remember what Peeta said during the interview? She's having a baby, so cut her a break!"
I don't think Gale was supposed to say that. Haymitch looks very upset. The crowd looks half surprised and half confused. The yellow-eyed man recovers quickly though. He says, "Oh, I thought he was just saying that to divert the Capitol's attention."
I shake my head slightly. That is enough. Everyone is excited now. I hear cheers and hurrahs wishing luck to the new baby.
Haymitch shushes everyone. It takes a minute before everyone is silent.
My eyes can hardly believe what I see next. I just feel it's so random, so completely unnecessary, so out of the blue and wrong and… Gale gets on his knee in front of Madge and grabs her hand. He asks her to be his bride. I am suffering beyond belief. Confused. Finnick's words come back to me, You're in for a shock tonight. It's just an illusion. We have to keep it going. Don't take it too seriously. How could I not take this seriously?
Madge accepts with passion and Gale picks her up and twirls her around, but what makes me throw up is how insanely loud the crowd cheers.
The world is swirling around and I feel very lightheaded. I register that Finnick is helping me stand. The cheers have ceased. I'm thankful it's dark out, for if it hadn't been, everyone would be able to see the look of distress on my face. My weakness would have been identified. But Finnick whispers something to me in my ear and his cold breath shakes me back into reality.
Haymitch comes up with a very believable excuse as to why I've barfed, but I don't hear every word. Before I know what's happening, we are walking away, back to my father's house, Finnick at my side the whole time. Gale and Madge head off in another direction. I don't even get to talk to him. How will I survive without his companionship? My father rejoins us. Within minutes we are back at his house. Finnick takes me into the bedroom and helps me into bed. I mumble something about going to the bathroom first. He says, "Katniss, wait…"
I turn around a little surprised that Finnick has something else to say.
"Can't you just get rid of it? We need you," he says with a pained expression.
"Get rid of what?" I realize what he means right after I ask.
"The baby…" his voice trails off.
No. This baby is Peeta. I am not losing Peeta at any cost. Haymitch knows this and so do Gale and Plutarch. Of course it would be Finnick to suggest something like this. "Imagine Annie was pregnant and you were in the hands of the Capitol. Do you think she would kill your child?"
Finnick opens his mouth slightly and looks away from me. His eyes travel around on the floor. "Yes. Yes I believe she would."
"But she doesn't even know if you're alive! She'd want to have the child because it would remind her of –"
"No, Katniss. She's killed our child before," he says. He sounds wounded.
"What are you talking about?"
"It was several years ago. I don't want to talk about it."
I must say that I'm a little surprised. "But that wasn't because she didn't want the baby! It was probably to avoid any attention."
"Katniss, we're not talking about this."
"Ok. Then please leave!" I yell at him a little too harshly.
He doesn't meet my eyes, just walks out and closes the door behind him without much force. Now, I realize Finnick may understand my situation better than anyone else and yet at the same time, he doesn't. He cannot possibly know what this is like. Just get rid of it? He treats my child like it's a piece of trash.
As I get into bed I vow to keep this baby alive at all costs, no matter what anyone else says about it.
The next ten weeks pass with little occurring. I am not included in any of the meetings. Gale cannot talk to me. Finnick does not talk to me. I cannot talk to Madge and I do not talk to Haymitch. My father tells me that Beetee has recovered remarkably, but I don't see him either.
A small bump begins to show on my stomach. I spend a lot of time during the day just rubbing it, singing some songs.
The people of District 13 throw a bridal shower for Madge. I don't go. My father tells me that they want to throw a baby shower for me, but I tell him to make sure they don't. I go back onto the hovercraft for an ultrasound. It's really embarrassing, but I get a look for the first time at the little person growing inside me. Just seeing that small living creature on the screen changes the world for me. The doctors can't tell the gender yet, but I tell them I'd rather not know anyway.
I feel lousy, sick, and tired all the time and it begins to get annoying. I get the feeling that I'm missing out on everything. My father tells me occasionally when Haymitch comes up with a great idea for their plan, but I still feel out of the loop. And I thought I was the one leading the rebellion!
It seems like everyone in District 13 wants to see me. My father usually shoos away people when they come to visit, but on one particular occasion he let someone come in.
Leanore had brought me some cookies. Sugar, yes, sugar is good. I eat them very quickly as she talks. She complains about her hair and comments on how wonderful I look. I'm just eating away the cookies, not really processing anything she's saying.
After I finish her snack, she asks if she can touch my stomach. It's very weird, but as soon as she says that, I feel a little kick. "Leanore, come feel this!"
I grab her hand and move it to where I felt the movement. Another kick, not as hard as the first. "Aww… Katniss, she's going to be an athlete."
When she says this I think about how I never wanted to have children. I just assumed they would all die in the Games, that they would all be tributes. That had been my only thought and it still was up until this point. Somehow I knew deep down inside that this baby was going to die. I wasn't sure how, when or why, but it was going to face the wrath of the Capitol in some way and would eventually be out of my life, just as fast as it came into it. But this suggestion, a suggestion that my child may have a different life ahead of them, not just a looming death, gives me hope.
"You think it's a girl?" I ask her.
"Mm-hmm!" Leanore says with enthusiasm, nodding her head wildly. "What are you going to name her?"
To be honest I haven't really thought about it at all. It seems strange now that I haven't. "What do you think I should name her?"
Leanore gets all excited and starts calling out names, "I think that since she's going to be a beautiful baby, so you should name her Mellibelle."
I almost shudder at that name. I would never name my child something like Mellibelle. It sounds like something someone from the Capitol would name their child.
"Any other ideas?"
"Umm… how about…"
Before Leanore can suggest another name, there is a knock on the door. She resumes her military state of serving and abruptly gets up to open the door. It's Gale.
I haven't seen him since the night of his engagement. He looks completely different, more handsome, stronger and certainly older. My jaw drops. He walks in and Leanore takes the tray she brought the cookies in, out of the room.
He sits down on the bed. "You look different," he says after a minute of staring at me.
"Thanks. Five pounds fatter," I say like it's an accomplishment.
"No, you're beautiful. Absolutely glowing," he says, stifling a laugh. "You'll make a fine mother, Katniss," he looks me right in the eyes.
I exhale, "Probably not."
We just look at each other for several minutes before I say, "How's Madge?"
"Brilliant. She's been swept off her feet, tasted cakes and tried on a few hand-me-down gowns. I think she is loving life despite the fact her mother's dead and her father is being tortured," he speaks in a different tone. It is steady and confident. My own is the opposite. It is shaky and insecure.
"Her mother's dead?"
"Yes."
"How do you know?"
"That's confidential, Katniss."
It is quiet again.
"I can't spend time with you Catnip." Gale takes my hand, "I wasn't supposed to see you today. Or really at all for the next few months. But, I missed you. Had to come."
"Oh well thanks," I pull my hand away from his grasp. "You got to see the freak show. Now please disperse."
"You know it's an act, so why are you jealous?"
"I'm not jealous!" I cry out too loudly, too fast.
"You are."
"No! I'm not. You mean absolutely nothing to me Gale! Just, absolutely no… " tears start coming down. Gale sees my pain and comes closer to me.
"This is all going to be over one day," he wraps his arms around me. "You'll see. Things are going to change."
Then, he releases me and gets up. Without a goodbye, he closes the door and leaves me. I'm still wrapped in his warmth and the smell of him.