Thanks for all your considered reviews.
I thought this chapter might just help - also gives me slight breathing time to think of where the hell to go next!
2 days earlier - Monday Night
Her head had been nestled between his shoulder and chest. Her hand idly tracing patterns on his skin.
"What are you thinking?" he whispered.
He could feel her smile against him.
"Tell me."
"You remember when you were getting something for your birthday, when you were young…" she glanced up at him, "do you remember that far back?"
He raised an eyebrow.
"Yes Ruth, my memory is still intact, thank you."
She smiled and rested against him once more.
"And you knew what the present was going to be, even months before you got it and the wait seemed to go on forever?"
"Mmm," he acknowledged.
"You were all consumed with excitement and anticipation. Then at last it was the day and you finally had what you'd wanted so badly…."
Now it was his turn to smile.
"…But in that moment all you felt was disappointment…"
His hand slipped from her hip.
"…because in the end the expectation was actually more enjoyable than the present."
His body had tensed.
"Well, Harry," she glanced up at him, mischievously, "I was just thinking that this was nothing like that!"
He breathed again, shaking his head.
"Not funny, Ruth."
She laughed and kissed his chest.
His hands slid back around her.
The rain beat against the window mercilessly.
"Are you happy?"
"Mmm," she murmured against him.
"What if things changed and this couldn't happen again?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, hypothetically, if we couldn't be together would you be glad that this had happened or not?"
"It depends."
"On what?"
"This is a bizarre conversation Harry."
'Well, I'm not the one who started with the birthday present analogy."
"Okay, hypothetically if you were shot and killed, which you better not be, then I would be glad."
"What?"
"I would be glad this had happened because then I wouldn't always wonder what if and never have the opportunity to find out."
"Right."
"But if, hypothetically, you ran off with Erin, or that very pretty girl from Section C, which you also had better not, then I would most certainly wish this hadn't happened because it would be like being shown the present and then it been returned to the shop."
Harry looked worried.
"Am I making sense?" she said.
He nodded.
"What if you realised what a total bastard I am, Ruth?"
"But you're not," she smiled, "because you've shown me what kind of man you really are," and she returned her attention to his chest.
He laid his head back on the pillow and that's when he had had the idea ... the stupid, sad, sorry idea.