Chapter 4

Distance

Three weeks went by in much the same way. Jacob stayed with us most days and often at night too, as it had been for years. He had his own room now, in the main house. He had been invited to use Daddy's old room when we still lived in Forks, after Momma and Daddy had moved out to the cottage when I was born. When the whole family moved up here, away from Forks, Momma was so sad at leaving the cottage behind that they had a similar small home built on our new property. Like the old property, which we still owned, this property was large and had a river running along its edge. It adjoined a large forest. We always had to consider privacy and hunting opportunity in our choice of homes. When we moved here, it was not even a question of whether a room would be allotted for Jacob.

Because his room was in the main house, though, Rosalie decided she and Emmett should have a separate house as well.

"It will be nice to have a place to get away from the odor," she claimed.

She said it jokingly, though we knew it was partly true. She and Jacob would never be close friends but they had formed a grudging truce and I think they even had fun sometimes, ribbing each other. Daddy thought she wanted her own house again because he and Momma had their own. It mattered very little anyway, as we all spent most of our time in the main house, all together, or outdoors.

Now that it was certain that Emily and Sam were going to have a baby, Seth, Leah, Quil and Embry visited almost every day. The word had spread and the whole reservation was buzzing about it.

"It's much easier on Leah to be here, away from all of that," Seth told me when they were at the house one day. Well, Seth and I were at the house. Jacob and Leah had run off in wolf form.

"She doesn't like everyone else to witness her pain," he continued. "That's one thing that's really changed about her. She used to want everyone to hurt along with her. It's good she has Jacob to lean on, though, when she needs it."

"Yes," I agreed with Seth out loud, but inside my emotions were decidedly more mixed.

Leah was the pack "Beta" as Jacob called it. Since he was the "Alpha," they were close in a way, and he gave her counsel and no doubt easy companionship, too. I knew being around him had always been easy for me. Until now.

When they had arrived and Leah and Jacob ran off to hunt, I was both relieved and pained. Relieved because when he was away I wasn't constantly having to guard my reactions to him. Not having to avoid touching him with my hands because I was too afraid I would let something slip. Not having to watch the line form between his brows as he noticed my avoidance.

My feelings still had not changed. If anything, they had increased. Every time I was around him my heart sped, and I was hyper-aware of him – his eyes, his voice, his scent, his entire presence. He knew I was holding something back from him, and the thought that at some point he would ask me about it panicked me. I had no idea what to say. I didn't want to lie to him. It was so wrong somehow. But he didn't ask. He just accepted the distance. And that pained me.

What pained me even more was that while we had developed this small chasm between us, he and Leah seemed to be closer than ever. I hated to admit it, but it hurt to see Jacob and Leah run off into the forest together. Often, when they returned from their runs, they were in human form. From my walks on the property I could see their tracks and see that they spent almost as much time in human form as wolf form. I didn't try to look for these signs but I saw them anyway. It was probably because she could avoid the other wolves hearing her thoughts when she was in human form.

I knew that Leah still loved Sam, but since he was taken, would her interest turn to someone else? Like Jacob? Now that I couldn't help but notice his intense, dark eyes, beautiful white teeth and delicious scent, I became more and more uneasy that those things would be noticed by others. By her. More important, though, than what she felt for him, what did he feel for her?

I didn't know.

Jacob had always made such vivid mental pictures that I often could get a flavor for them when I touched him to share my thoughts with him. But now that I was avoiding touching him, I couldn't read him at all. Other than by his face, which looked more serious when she was around. But not infatuated, I reassured myself. Not in love.

In love? Is that where I am?

I had taken a walk by myself, leaving Seth behind at the house. Jacob and Leah were still gone and I was brooding. I stopped and climbed up on the same rock where I had sat just three weeks before.

Stop it! I scolded myself. So what if there is something between them? He's not yours! You have no claim on him!

It felt like I did though. He had always been my Jacob in my mind, in some way that I never before had to define. Now, I struggled for a definition.

We're… friends, I thought wryly. He doesn't see me as a…a…I couldn't even think the word. I knew he didn't see me as a woman, which is exactly what I was now becoming. How could he? He had been my babysitter when I was little, for goodness sake!

I was so lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice Alice approaching.

"Mind if I join you?" she asked, not waiting for my response before jumping up next to me. She knew I was going to say "yes" before I said it, even though she could not see my future for some reason none of us understood.

"You know, even though I can't see your decisions, I can see that something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?" she asked in a honey-coated voice.

I almost broke because I suddenly realized that I did want to talk about it and I knew that Alice loved me and would listen patiently and with understanding. But I also knew that Daddy would be able to read her thoughts.

"Thanks, Alice, but I don't think I'm ready yet."

I smiled, then lay my head down in her lap like I did when I was a little girl. She stroked my hair, and we sat in silence. If she could see my future, I might have broken, and asked her to tell me what she saw. If I thought I could handle it, that is.

I knew Alice couldn't be the only one who had noticed my strange behavior. Besides spending lots of time by myself, I had started sleeping in the main house every night. There were plenty of extra rooms. After about a week of it, Daddy looked at me questioningly as he and Momma stood to leave the family and head back to their house for the evening.

"Are you staying here tonight, Nessie?" he inquired.

"Mmm, hmm,' I responded as nonchalantly as possible.

"She's growing up. She needs some space from her parents!" Emmett cut in with a roaring laugh.

I fought the heat creeping up my neck.

Why did I have to inherit this so very revealing human trait? I agonized later. At least I was successful in keeping my thoughts silent until after Daddy and Momma had left.

Emmett didn't realize how accurate his joke was. My sleeping in the main house was designed to ensure that Daddy did not overhear my dreams, since I seemed to have no control over them anymore.

The dreams both fed off of and added to my anxiety. Each night I lay my head down on the pillow and waited for the inevitable, and each night, I had the same dream as before, the one where I drifted away in the canoe while Jacob stayed on the shore and turned away from me. I began having another one, too. In this one, Jacob and I were in the canoe again, facing each other and smiling. I looked at his beautiful smile, his lips. They looked soft. They looked… inviting. Suddenly I had a fierce urge to leap across the boat and put my lips on his. I could feel my own lips burning. I fought to hide these thoughts, this compulsion, this…desire which had so thoroughly invaded me. Then, Jacob was right in front of me. As he leaned forward slowly bringing his lips toward mine, he vanished.

Each time I had this dream I awoke in shock and despair. Thankfully, I did not talk or cry

out in my sleep. At least I had not inherited that trait.