Chapter 6

Ritual

In the days since the accident. Jacob had spent most of his time on the reservation, as had the rest of the pack. A funeral had to be planned and Sam was in no shape to plan it. It was physically painful to see him. He radiated grief out of every pore. His previously serene demeanor gone, his face looked as though he was fighting a horrible illness – drawn and empty.

Jacob was the only one who could get through to Sam. And so he was there every day, almost all day. The one thing Sam was clear about was that they follow the ancient ritual of burial in a traditional canoe. Not that he said it aloud. He didn't even think it in words the other wolves could understand. He just started hollowing out a giant tree trunk he found recently fallen in the forest, with such ferocity and singleness of mind, that the others simply understood. Jacob, I was told, was working side by side with Sam, day after day

On the couple of times I had seen Jacob since the accident, I longed to touch him with my bare hand so that I could share my reassurance and comfort with him directly. But I didn't dare. If I were to let any of my other feelings for him slip—well, this was not the time for it. Because of this, being with him was agonizing. That time was severely limited, however.

In my entire life, Jacob had never spent this much time away from us. From me. I was surprised at what an empty place it left in me. I felt lost. Normally, when he wasn't around, I played the piano, or read, or helped Esme in the kitchen. Now, I didn't find those things relaxing. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I was too restless to stay in the house much, so I spent a lot of time in the forest, wandering, in the deepest part of the Olympic mountain range. Occasionally, I stopped wandering and just lay on the carpet of pine needles and moss, staring up through the lace of the treetops at the shrouded sky.

Ashamedly, I looked forward to the funeral of Emily and the baby. Because after that, we could get back to "normal," whatever that was.

And I'll get Jacob back, I thought, cringing at how selfish I was becoming.

My graduation party was cancelled of course. There was never really a question about it. This was no time for a party.

"I guess this will have to wait," Alice had sighed.

"You know we really don't have to do it anyway," I said. "It was a nice thought and it's the thought that counts, right?"

"No, you deserve a party. Besides, soon everyone around here will need something to lift their spirits. After the funeral, we'll set a new date."

Though it was the saddest thing I had ever witnessed, the funeral was amazing in a way. When my family and I arrived that morning, Emily and the baby had already been placed in the canoe Sam had made. A white cloth covered them and hung over the wooden edges. Members of the tribe came slowly to kneel around the canoe, and spoke in Quileute. Then Jacob, Paul, Quil, Embry and Seth stepped forward to lift the canoe onto their shoulders.

With Sam following directly behind the canoe, they turned and walked toward the coast. The other members of the tribe followed behind and our family did the same.

When we reached the coast, we entered a small clearing where Poppa Billy was already waiting. The pack set the canoe down just below where several ropes were hanging from a very tall tree.

In his quiet, commanding voice, Poppa Billy recited a prayer and then the pack started wrapping the ends of the ropes around the canoe, tying tight knots to secure it. A woman from the tribe stepped forward and began singing a haunting song. I didn't understand most of it but my heart broke anyway. As she sang, Jacob and the others took the loose ends of the rope still hanging from the tree and started pulling, hand over hand, lifting the canoe up, gently, higher and higher until it was like a cradle high above the earth.

Sam fell to his knees at the base of the tree and froze there, silent, as he had been since the accident. He seemed to be in a world far away, unreachable to anyone. The other members of the tribe slowly filed out of the clearing, the pack now carrying Billy in his wheelchair, like a priest on a sedan chair. Our family followed.

Only hours had passed since the funeral ended. Jacob had phased back just beyond the tree line, but it didn't take him long to run the rest of the way to the house. He strode up, in his cut-off jeans and nothing else, to the porch where Poppa Billy, Momma and I waited. Heat shimmered across my cheeks as I took in his shoulders, his chest, his arms, his legs, every muscle perfectly formed. This was so inappropriate given the circumstances that I was ashamed of myself. I quickly looked down, but not before seeing Jacob's eyes narrow as he took in the reaction on my face, and then the look of confusion that began in his eyes.

"Will he return, my son?" Poppa Billy inquired, bringing me back to reality, away from the fantasy I was fighting but was starting to form in my brain. I looked up, my face now composed.

"No," was all Jacob said.

"That's it then," Momma whispered.

"Yes, it is time." Billy's voice was clear and strong. "We must call the council together."

Jacob looked at Momma sadly and I didn't know why but said nothing. We all moved inside, into the tiny living room. Billy started making phone calls. The rest of the members from both Jacob's and Sam's packs started showing up. They didn't need a phone call to tell them what had happened.

"I don't understand, Momma," I said as the house started filling with people.

"Walk with me, Renesmee."

We walked outside, and started down a path I had taken many times with Jacob, treading in silence for a while.

Finally, she started, "Sam has made his choice. He will no longer live as a man, now that Emily and the baby are gone. He will remain in his wolf form and will likely never come home again."

"Never? Why Momma?" anguish clouded my voice. "I know he loved Emily more than anything, but…" I didn't know what else to say.

She hesitated, seeming to look for the right words.

"In the pack, there is something known as…imprinting. When one of them imprints on another person, it is as though that person has become their whole reason for being. They are bound to that person in a way that cannot be described in words."

We had never talked about imprinting before, I was sure of that; but there was something familiar about it. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. One thing was obvious, though.

"Sam had imprinted on Emily?"

Momma nodded. "Years ago."

"I think I understand. I remember how they were together; almost like two parts of one person."

"Exactly. Now that Emily's gone, part of what made Sam a whole person is gone. In his wolf form, he is in a spirit form. That's what the Quileute believe. Maybe Sam believes he'll be able to be close to Emily's spirit in that form. I don't know," she added thoughtfully.

A wave of emotion washed through me. Only a week of not seeing Jacob every day had made me feel drained of life. A lifetime would be unbearable. I thought I could understand just the tiniest portion of the loss Sam felt.

"What a powerful thing," was all I said.

"Yes." She stopped walking and looked at me with an expression I couldn't read. I stopped too, waiting.

"Did you know Jacob was the Beta to Sam's Alpha once?" Momma asked as she casually took my hand and covered it with her other hand.

"Yes."

"But did you know that was only because Jacob didn't want to be the Alpha?' She was still staring down at our hands.

"What? Jacob never told me that."

"Yes, he is the direct descendant of an Alpha," she nodded slowly. "So, he should have…could have…been the Alpha. But he didn't want to be the leader. He was just a boy – still in high school when this started happening. And Sam was older, more experienced."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked her but was sure I didn't want to hear the answer. Storm clouds gathered in my stomach.

"Renesmee, the tribe will almost certainly want him to take Sam's place and reunite the packs. Which means he'd be the chief of all the Quileutes." She looked up directly into my eyes. "And a chief must be with his tribe."

"With his tribe? You mean…leave…us?" my voice was suddenly barely audible because my breath was gone. The trees and the ground were no longer in focus. Mother now placed her hands on each side of my face.

"I know, I can't imagine it either," she squinted into my eyes, her brow furrowed, as if seeking some answer. There was no answer to find, because I wasn't there. I was somewhere in an alternate universe where there was no light, no air, nothing. She could see none of that, however. Even if I could have formed words in that moment, I wouldn't have because I could not trust myself with them. She dropped her eyes and hands.

"Come with me, let's get back to the house. I want to know what's going on," she said and led me in silence back to the little red house that I was already growing jealous of.

Back at the house, there were so many people, it was hard to move past the front door. Jacob was nowhere to be seen. No one noticed how silently I sat on the couch, staring at the television not turned up loud enough for anyone to hear. Not that I was listening.