Chapter 8

Crossroads

The tribal council was scheduled for Saturday night. That's when they would declare their new leader. The tribe had made it clear they wanted Jacob to rejoin the pack and become the alpha, making him the leader of both the pack and the tribe. Jacob had been putting them off. This would have given me the tiniest bit of hope, except he hadn't made much time to see me. I didn't know what it meant. I thought after the funeral, things would go somewhat back to normal. But they hadn't.

Jacob was still spending a lot of time at the reservation, meeting with the elders and with his old packmates, at least from what I heard. When he did come back home to our house, he almost seemed to be avoiding me. He was withdrawn and had a concerned wrinkle in his eyebrows nearly all the time. He didn't seek me out to talk with me or walk with me, like we used to do almost every day. Instead, he and Daddy would go walking and they must have gone very far away, because I couldn't hear them at all, even though I tried.

I didn't know what to do or say, so I didn't really talk to Jacob that much either. I just found a reason to be in the same room with him. Even though it was torture in a way, I didn't want to miss one second of whatever time I got with him. I certainly didn't dare touch him. Or even look him straight in the eye. I would come undone and make a fool of myself.

When he was away on the reservation, it was worse. I had begun spending most of my time in the forest, either wandering aimlessly or curled up among the sprawling roots of one particularly large Sequoia about six miles from the house. I just wanted to be alone with my pain.

That was where Alice found me the day before the tribal council.

"I might not be able to see your future, but I can see this isn't going anywhere good," she declared. I didn't respond.

She sat down and gathered me as best she could onto her lap, though standing I would have towered over her.

"It's Jacob, isn't it?" she asked ever-so-softly.

Wow, she cut right to the chase. My defenses were weakened from the effort of holding my emotion inside for so long, and from hearing his name aloud. I broke and my words, my real, deep-down words spilled out. "I miss him, Alice."

"I know. We all miss him. But with you, it's different."

"I can't stand not having him here," I continued. How am I gonna live without him here?" my voice broke and it took a minute before I could continue. She patted my back and rocked me in silence.

"Just since…since…the accident, he's barely been here and I can't stand it. It's almost like he's forgotten me! I mean, forgotten us."

"Ness…"

"I know he hasn't really, Alice, but what difference does it make? What can I do about it anyway?" I looked up at her and searched her eyes for an answer.

"Have you talked with him?" her voice was almost a reproach.

"Talked with him? And say what? 'You can't leave me?' It doesn't even make sense. He's not mine."

"It makes more sense than you know," she said shaking her head slowly.

"What the heck does that mean, anyway, Alice?" I now glared at her fiercely. "Is there some big secret that everyone is in on but me? You're the second person who's said that recently."

Alice closed her eyes, her eyebrows pinched together like she suddenly had a migraine.

"Oh, Edward!" Alice said his name like a swear word. Then she opened her eyes, looked straight into mine and said firmly, "I can't tell you what it means. And it doesn't matter. Just listen to your heart. Trust yourself. Talk to him."

Everyone was gathering for the council meeting where they expected to name their new Chief. Because it was Jacob they were expecting to take the leadership position, we – my family and I – had all been invited to the ceremony. It was a first I was quite sure for vampires to be invited to such an event.

Before the ceremony, I was practically hyperventilating and trying not to let anyone see my distress. I had sworn to Alice I would talk to Jacob but there had never been a time to really do it. He had been back at our house only briefly since I had made her that promise the day before. Now, I wanted to run away. I couldn't stand there and watch as Jacob was ripped from me. Instead, I walked towards Jacob's house. It looked the same as always, like nothing had changed. The light was fading, casting a purplish reflection off of everything. When I was a couple hundred yards away from the house, I stopped, staring at it as though willing time to stop.

I thought Jacob was already at the place where the council meeting would be held, but his front door opened and out he walked. Before I could react at all, he saw me standing there, and started jogging my direction.

"Just the person I wanted to see," he called, giving me no choice but to stand there and wait for him to reach me.

This was it. The opportunity to do what Alice said I should do. But how could I? Not only did I not know how to ask him to stay, I felt an obligation to encourage him to go.

"Hey. Are you ready?" I asked with a false smile plastered on my face.

He didn't return my smile. "No."

"No? What do you mean?"

"I'm not ready to be the alpha of this pack."

My heart leaped. "I know there are reasons you didn't want to be the alpha before. But…but…things are different now, right?"

"Yeah, but they're different in a lot of ways. I mean, sure, Sam's gone. And I'm older now, and they were my pack before, but..." he glanced away, then looked back at me with an anguished look in his eyes, "your…your family…is like my pack too, you know?"

"Mmm, hmm," I responded, looking down. My face burned with disappointment that he was talking not about me but my whole family.

Why would he be just talking about me? I reminded myself.

I continued before I could chicken out, "I always felt like we were your pack too. Does that sound crazy?"

"What?" he looked at me with some surprise and then his face softened. "No, that doesn't sound crazy. It makes me feel really good to hear you say that." He smiled to himself, then his mouth turned back down into a frown.

"I feel like I'm being backed into a corner. By the tribe. They aren't really even considering anyone else. Seth's too young still, and they won't consider Leah because they never had a female before. Stupid, huh? And did you know Jared and Paul have decided to stop changing?"

"What?"

"Yeah. Now that they're married, and they see their wives growing older without them, they are determined to stop so that they can get older too. Especially now that they have seen what happens to a pack member when their mate dies. Not just seen. Felt. Did you know, every time Sam phased, one of them did too? To keep tabs on him because they were so worried."

I shook my head silently, never taking my eyes off of his, as he continued.

"But they could hardly bear it. They said it was unlike any pain they'd ever felt before. Much worse. A living hell until they could phase back. I only got a glimpse of it when I communicated with him. But I think I understand what he felt." His face strained at the mere thought.

"I'm not like them though. I don't need to stop phasing. I don't want to stop phasing. But as long as I remain a wolf, they see me as the natural pack leader. And that means…going back there."

A sense of dread began to hover around me.

"I didn't want to have to tell you this now, and I don't know if I can explain it right." He paused.

If this was the let-down speech, I didn't know how I could bear it. Would I end up like Leah? Torn to shreds for years and years and years? Or would I implode on the spot? My world was crashing down around me. His next words interrupted the nervous breakdown occurring inside my head.

"I don't know if you will understand, and I don't want to scare you, but I can see you're no longer a kid and you deserve to know."

He closed his eyes and kept them closed while he drew in a deep breath. The world was starting to shimmy around the edges and I was coming perilously close to shaking apart.

Then, his eyes opened and focused intensely on mine, his brow furrowed. He raised his hands to hold my shoulders gently but firmly. "Nessie, you are very, very important to me. More so than anyone else. Anything else. You are much more than a friend to me. It like…it's like you're a part of me..." his voice trailed off. He took a deep breath and, his voice strong again, said, "I don't want to become the tribe's Alpha if it means I can't be with you."

With his words, the world came back into sharp focus and my heart just about leaped out of my chest. It's me! It's me he doesn't want to leave!

He went on, "When all this stuff happened with Emily and Sam, it put me in a situation I thought might not happen for years. I thought it was too soon to tell you how I felt. Plus, Bella and Edward didn't want you to ever feel pressured, so they forbid it."

The memory of my parents' overhead conversation rushed back. This is my choice! They one they thought I wasn't ready for! But I was ready.

A gasp escaped my lips.

It must have freaked Jacob out because he started talking fast, now sounding uncertain. "But what you want is what's most important. If this is too much for you to handle right now, I get it. If you want me to go, I'll go." He paused again, taking a jagged breath. "I just want you to be happy."

What? What? His words had gone in a totally unexpected direction and I came down off the high I had been on. Want him to go? Was he crazy? That clarified everything for me. I couldn't be happy if he wasn't with me. I couldn't breathe.

"I will always, always be here for you though, in whatever way you want me," he said forcefully but with a touch of sadness.

I reached up, slowly placing my hand on his cheek, and looked into his dark, anguished eyes.

"I hope you will always be here because I'll always need you, Jacob."

As I looked at him, I finally let the thoughts I'd been hiding flow through to him. I let him see himself as I was seeing him. I let him feel the warmth of his skin under my fingers. I let him feel the tenderness I felt toward him. I let him feel the possessiveness. I let him feel the love.

He stared back at me with a look of growing wonderment and surprise in his eyes and then a smile spread across his face, like the sun's first rising. Jacob slowly raised his warm hand and placed it over mine. He held it there as we looked into each others' eyes, no longer communicating by words. Instead I was pulled into a vision of us walking hand in hand through the forest. I was somehow sure he was sharing this vision with me. Finally, he lowered his hand, pulling my hand with it around his waist. His other arm encircled me and he drew me to him. My cheek nestled against his chest as he laid his cheek on top of my head and we held each other like that for a long time.

I was so happy, I didn't know where to put it all and it spilled down my cheeks. "Are you crying?" he finally questioned.

"No," I sniffed. I felt a chuckle rumble through him and I couldn't help laughing too.

We broke apart, and he kept one of my hands. It was so natural. He had held my hand many times before, but it had been different. It had been as friends. Now, well, now everything had changed.

We started walking back toward the council meeting, hand in hand. We weren't ready to let go. In fact, we would never be ready to let go. And there was no reason to hide what had happened between us. Everyone would know soon enough anyway – Daddy, the pack. We wouldn't be able to keep it from them. It seemed impossible to hide it from anyone really. It would be obvious just by looking at us; we had both changed in a very tangible way in those few moments.

Daddy looked directly at us as we walked back into the circle of light around the fire. He had heard us coming though we hadn't made any noise. I knew our minds were shouting and he could read our thoughts – feel how happy we were to have our fingers intertwined, just to be touching each other again after so long. The elation we felt in our newly declared love. His face looked hesitant at first, but slowly softened. He leaned over, whispering something in Momma's ear. She turned to look at us, her face glowing. Slowly, they walked toward us.