CHAPTER 21

We were laying side by side on the bed later on that night and Edward was stroking my hair, as I dozed against him.

"Edward, can I ask you something?" I said, sleepily.

"Of course, my love, anything."

"Will you change me?"

He stiffened for a moment, but then spoke, mildly. "Why would I change you? You are perfect as you are."

"Edward, you know what I mean."

"Bella, you don't know what you are asking," he said, staring straight up at the ceiling.

"I do. I've been thinking about it for a while. If I were a vampire, I could be with you forever and... and I could protect myself. I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore."

"You don't have to be afraid now, Bella. I will protect you."

"What if you were hunting and he appeared..."

"Jacob and his wolves are always there too, Bella," he pointed out. "You will always be safe and protected. You don't need to be a vampire."

"Well what about the fact that you won't make love to me properly because you are afraid to hurt me?" I said. Edward winced visibly and took a heavy breath. Beyond kissing and some excessively gentle petting on his part, he would not take our relationship any further, despite his promising words that afternoon. He leaned up on his elbow so that he could look down at me and ran a finger down my face.

"Bella, you know what I am; what my kind is capable of... If I lost control for even a moment, I could seriously hurt you or even kill you. I don't want to bring him into this conversation, but you have seen what a lack of control from a vampire can do to a human."

"You're wrong about that," I said, stiffening against him at the mention of James. "James never lost control with me; just that one time when Jake had to get me to the hospital. After that he was so in control that he was able to hurt me sufficiently to get his point across but not enough to seriously damage me."

Edward glared, black fire in his eyes.

"You think that constitutes control, Isabella? That he did not hurt you badly enough to put you in hospital again?"

I shivered at his tone and went to move away, but he was suddenly on top of me, pinning my wrists so that I could not move.

"I will never hurt you, Bella; I will never force you to do anything you do not wish to do." He looked down at me with so much love that I sighed, a mixture of happiness and frustration confusing my emotions.

"Edward, hasn't it occurred to you that I do wish to do everything with you? I trust you. You would never hurt me..."

"Bella, you don't know that. I don't know that! You have no idea how much self-control I have to use when I am around you."

I flushed.

"I'm sorry to be such an inconvenience," I muttered, struggling against him, but he held me easily, though his touch was still gentle. His eyes flared again though and he drew in a frustrated breath.

"Isabella, you are not an inconvenience! You are the woman I love and until I am convinced I can control myself sufficiently, I will not place you in danger. Am I clear?" His tone of voice was domineering, like at work and I scowled.

"Yes, sir, Mr Cullen, very clear," I pouted, knowing I sounded like a whiny child. To my surprise and disgruntlement, Edward laughed and kissed my lips briefly.

"Ah, Bella, I do so love it when you call me sir," he said. I tried hard to glare at him, but with his golden eyes shining down at me, with so much love in them, how could I? I gave up and smiled.

"Well, sir, I hope you feel in control soon, because otherwise I might explode. The other option of course is to change me..."

"Change you so I can have my wicked way with you?" he teased, leaning down to kiss my throat, as his hand trailed down my side and then up to cup my breast. I gasped at his touch and he chuckled darkly against my throat.

"Stop trying to distract me, Cullen. This is a serious conversation," I said, catching on quickly to what he was doing. Edward huffed and removed his hand, then flopped down beside me again, leaving me aching for his touch. When I regained my senses, I sat up and leaned over him, trailing a light finger down his jaw line as he looked up at me, with a lazy smile. Looking at his beautiful, forever young face, another thought occurred to me; a painful image of me old and grey, clutching a walking stick as he waltzed out of my life to find someone younger, more beautiful.

"Ok, so what about when I am fifty and you are still twenty four? What about when I am an old woman, waiting for death and you know you will live forever?" I said. He took a deep breath and then released it slowly, painfully.

"Let me think about it, my love," he said, eventually. I smiled to myself, knowing that I had found a winning argument. He might be able to protect me from James, but he couldn't stop me from aging and ultimately dying unless he changed me.

"OK, I promise I won't mention it again," I said, softly. He cuddled me close to him, stroking my hair gently.

"Bella, it isn't that I don't want to, you know. I just want to do it for the right reasons; for you to want it for you, not just for me. I am concerned for your immortal soul, my love."

"Well, if I have you, my soul will be safe, won't it? You are so perfect, Edward..."

"In your eyes," he laughed. "Some of the girls at Twilight might disagree."

I thought about that for a moment and remembered Rosalie telling me he was far scarier than Jasper. I had never really seen that side of him, apart from the day I was returned to Twilight after my ill-advised flight. Even then, he had been angry, but still very much in control.

"Why are they all so nervous of you?" I asked, suddenly. Edward smiled, but it was a tight, cruel smile that made me shiver.

"Because I am the person who hires and fires. They need to see me as ultimately being in charge and in order for them to see that, I have to maintain a certain amount of distance."

"So why is Rosalie afraid of you?"

Edward barked out a short laugh.

"I have known Rosalie since she was a little girl; Jasper was my closest friend. When he was left to bring her up, I assisted somewhat. I suppose we were both a little strict with her at times, but believe me, Bella, she was not the easiest teenager."

I giggled, I could imagine that. Rosalie had a mouth on her and the idea of her sassing Edward as a teen made me laugh even harder. He shook his head at me.

"So did you have to chastise her?" I asked, with another giggle. Edward quirked an eyebrow at me.

"No, Jasper handled that sort of thing. I was mainly there for back up."

"Glaring at her from the sidelines then?" I queried. "Yes, I can see why that would scare her."

"Bella..."

"'Rosalie Hale, you better behave or I will glare at you!'" I mimicked his voice, earning myself a cold glare, as I dissolved in a fit of giggles.

"Isabella, you had better behave yourself, or I will tickle you," he said, suddenly climbing on top of me again and running his fingers lightly down my sides. I tried to smother my laughter, but couldn't.

"Yes, sir," I said, not quite managing to sound humble. He groaned and buried his head against my chest, his hair tickling my face. After a moment, he raised his head and looked into my eyes, before lowering to my lips, kissing me tenderly.

"Bella, I do love you, you know," he said, softly.

"I know you do. I love you too," I said, unable to stop the huge grin that formed on my face; I would never get tired of hearing him say that.

"And I want you to know that I would change you right now if I thought it was the right thing to do; but I would be doing it for me, for selfish reasons. When the time is right, I will do it, Bella, if it is what you want."

"Thank you," I said, softly, knowing how much it had taken for him to say that. I kissed him tenderly on the lips and then sank down, as he flipped us so that I was snuggled against his chest again. As sleep claimed me, I felt his lips pressed against my forehead and wondered again at how much this man loved me.