A/N: Thanks again to ladygris for her Beta of this chapter. She came up with some really good ideas when I was too drugged out by my pain meds to think.

And a special thanks goes out to her spouse, Lithane for his assistance as well.

Namaste,

Sandy

Not a Hero

Chapter 34

A Life Worthwhile

"Lorne! Hey, Lorne." Barry Miller jogged to catch up with Evan. The two men were about the same height with the pilot being blonde with blue eyes where Evan had dark hair. "Where you headed?"

"The maintenance hangar for some one-on-one with Sheppard. Why?"

Barry snorted. "More basketball? Didn't get enough in DC?"

Shooting Barry a confused glare, Evan opened the exit that lead outside. "I haven't played in years."

"Oh, really? Then what were doing in the lobby with that imaginary ball?" Barry mimed a hook shot. "Knitting booties?"

With a sudden understanding, Evan grinned. "Well, that wasn't exactly my best game. Refresh my memory. Who else was there?"

"From our group? Just Sheppard." Now Barry was confused that Evan didn't seem to remember the incident. "You and he talked then went upstairs together. You got a mean slam-dunk, by the way."

"Thanks. But you didn't hunt me down to praise my make-believe basketball skills."

"Right. A bunch of us are going to the MMA Amateur Night at the Serendipity. You and Shepp wanna join us? I'm competing." Barry was well known for his exceptional mastery of several martial arts disciplines as well as his deep commitment to the Lord.

"Thanks for the invite, but we've got a mission briefing later." Evan didn't like lying to the man but also didn't want to invite more questions he couldn't answer. "Good luck."

Evan watched Barry walk away, his mind filling in a few blanks from that night. He remembered dropping Cooper at her room then going to his own room where he showered and went to bed. The next morning, he found a keycard on the dresser and another on the bedside table. He hadn't been issued two at check-in and thought it odd. Now he realized he must have gone sleepwalking that night and someone had called his partner to come get him. Sheppard had obviously taken him upstairs to bed though he hadn't mentioned it the next day or since.

He supposed it was John's way of showing him the same level of trust that he'd shown by not mentioning his meltdown at the accident. It was a telling moment in the relationship they shared as partners, bringing them that much closer to being friends. The only roadblock to that final step was the truth about the crash. Evan hoped these incidents would pave the way.

~~O~~

The hanger echoed with the squeak of athletic shoes on the cement as two men fought over the orange ball. The taller man finally wrenched it away from the shorter one, dribbled it down the court with his opponent in pursuit, dunking it in a split second before he was slammed into the padded wall. Panting, the two men sank down to the floor.

When their breathing had eased somewhat, John got to his feet and snagged his water bottle. After a good long swig, he used his towel to wipe his face. Next to him, Evan was doing the same. "That's it for me. Think I'll get a shower. Um, you wanna grab a beer?"

Looked around seeing they're the only two there, Evan pointed to himself. "Seriously? You're asking me to grab a beer?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Just strange, that's all." He paused to think it over. Or at least giving the appearance of it. "I'm gonna shower too. Don't wanna run off any of the ladies."

John snorted. "Yeah, like you're worried about anyone in this galaxy." He ignored the glare Evan shot his way as they entered their rooms.

~~O~~

The bar and grill they'd chosen wasn't fancy nor was it the Fancy Nickel, thank goodness. It was just some out of the way place that was noisy enough they wouldn't be overheard and not too crowded.

The remains of burgers and fries had been pushed off to the side and each was on his second beer when John reached into his back pocket and slid a document across the table.

"What's this?"

"Just read it."

~~O~~

Evan twisted his bottle back and forth creating a series of rings on the table in front of him. Under his other hand lay the document John had given him. He'd read it through twice to make sure he understood everything.

"So?"

"I don't know what to say or think just yet. Can I get back to you?"

John nodded, took a drink from his bottle, his eyes flicking to the side before he leaned back in his chair.

"And?"

"And what?" Eyes staying on the table, John grabbed one last fry from his abandoned plate and popped it in his mouth.

"There's more. What is it?"

A long sigh escaped from his partner's chest that his partner could read him so well. "O'Neill offered full reinstatement at the rank of Major."

"Yeah?" Evan's eyebrows lifted is surprise. "So what're you gonna do?"

"Haven't decided."

Evan watched him from the corner of his eye, considering that he'd never seen the man so tranquil. No, that wasn't the word. It was close, but not quite right. Peaceful. As if a weight had been removed though he'd probably carry the guilt for the remainder of his life but at least now he knew he had a life worth living. He also sensed that it wouldn't be much longer before John would be ready to talk about the crash. All he had to do was wait. And Evan was good at waiting.

"What did Jennifer say?"

Looking away, John fiddled with his beer bottle in embarrassment. "Haven't told her yet."

"Why all the secrecy, Sheppard?" Evan took a deep breath. "She has been there for you through all of this, supported you even when you didn't deserve it. When are you going to trust her enough to tell her the truth?" He could see his words hit home in the sharp glance that came his way. He also could see that John heard the unspoken When are you going to trust ME?

John's answer was a shrug though Evan had the feeling that by this time tomorrow, Jennifer will have been told everything. "You play pool?"

"Yeah."

"Let's grab a table and play a few games. Loser buys the next round."

The partners moved over to the pool tables and spent the couple of hours challenging each other.

~~O~~

It was early evening when they got back on the road, the sun dropping behind the tops of the mountains in the distance.

Instead of going straight back to Area 52, John drove to Hoover Dam. Evan had seen him holding Caitlin's pendant but didn't ask about it, and he was grateful. Somehow his partner knew it wasn't time though the time had come to put another piece of the past to rest.

John got out, Evan staying with the truck. Walking to the middle of the Dam, he leaned his elbows on the railing, the Celtic Cross in his right hand, his thumb tracing the design, turning it over to read the inscription while he deliberately sought out memories of Caitlin, especially their last night together. He'd almost told her he loved her but held back and now wished he hadn't because she died not knowing. And the promise he'd made to her that night would remain broken with no way to correct the situation.

He'd reached a turning point in his life and needed to make a clean start. And that clean start would begin with letting go of this particular piece of the past.

Straightening, he held the pendant in his right fist, cocking his arm back for another of the Hail Mary's that he'd been famous for in college, but before he could let loose, a voice intruded.

"Whatcha doin', Mister?"

Stopping in mid-throw, John said, "What's it to ya, kid?"

"Mom says you're not 'sposed to throw stuff in the resi…resvis…"

"Reservoir."

"Yeah."

"Well, your mom is absolutely…" He looked at her now. The girl was approximately seven years old with bright red hair in a bun on top of her head, a few little curls framing her face, and blue eyes. With a start he thought how she resembled Caitlin. Tucking the pendant into his pocket, John looked around but no other adults were close to them. When he didn't continue, she turned away. "You're not here alone are you?"

The look she gave him was similar to the one Sparky gave him when she thought he was being an idiot…which was most of the time. "'Course not. I'm just a kid." She turned and shouted to a young woman reading a brochure. "Mom!" Her mother rushed to her side, pulling her daughter close, obviously suspicious of an adult male talking to her child. "Mom, this is my new friend. I don't know his name."

Seeing that the woman was about to drag the girl away, maybe even call the cops, John rushed to assuage her apprehension. He reached into his back pocket and produced his ID. "Sorry, ma'am. I should've introduced myself to you before talking to your daughter. Special Agent John Sheppard." He held it out until she was satisfied that the man in the photo was indeed the man standing in front of her then put it away again. They shook hands with her warily deciding to trust him but only so far.

"I'm Dacey and this is Molly. What can we do for you, Agent Sheppard?"

"I'd like to talk to your daughter if that's okay. Just for a minute." At her reluctant nod, he crouched in front of the girl. "Hi, Molly. My name's John."

The little girl smiled happily, obviously delighted with her first adult friend. "Hi, John."

"Think your mom would mind if I gave you a gift, something to seal our new friendship?" He glanced at Dacey who nodded. Reaching into his pocket, he took out the pendant he'd been carrying around for so many years. He handed it to Dacey who hooked it around her daughter's neck. "It used to belong to a friend of mine. She's gone now. You sort of remind me of her and I think she'd like you to have it."

"What is it?"

"It's called a Celtic cross. No one's really sure what it means but it's used by lots of people as a symbol of pride in their Irish heritage. With that red hair and that name you must have some Irish in you somewhere."

"Oh." Molly seemed a bit confused but didn't pursue the matter. "What was her name?"

Clearing his suddenly tight throat, John tried to smile. "Caitlin. You might not understand what I'm saying right now, but you will one day." He looked her in the eyes. "Mahatma Gandhi said, 'you must be the change you wish to see in the world.' I means don't be afraid to try new things, visit new places or meet new people, with your mom's permission of course."

Molly looked up at her mom smiling. Dacey rested her hands on the girl's shoulders. "Thank you, Agent Sheppard. That's very kind of you. Come on, honey. It's time to head back."

John watched them walk away hand in hand, Molly examining the pendant with curiosity. He looked out over the reservoir, his hands on the rail.

~~O~~

Evan thought about the scene he'd witnessed at the dam. He watched John give the little girl the pendant he'd been holding and now some of the stiffness had returned to his appearance. John took out his phone, pausing a few seconds before dialing. He couldn't explain how he knew that his partner was calling his brother. He also knew that his call would be well received. With a smile of satisfaction, Evan waited.

~~O~~

John pulled out his phone, a sudden urge to hear his brother's voice almost overwhelming him. Pacing back and forth on the Dam, he dialed Dave's number and waited impatiently for him to answer.

"Sheppard."

Again John couldn't speak. Just hearing Dave's voice made all the things he wanted to say catch in his throat.

"I know its you, John. Please say something." There was a long pause where all John could do was open his mouth. "If you're not going to talk to me, I'm hanging up."

It sounded like a threat and John took it as such. "Don't! I mean, please, don't hang up." Everything he wanted to say churned and swirled within him. "Uh, how you been?" Great opener, John! Dave's happiness shot through the phone making John smile and the backs of his eyes sting.

"Better now that you're actually talking to me. You?"

"Getting by. How's the family?"

"Great. We, uh, have a lot to catch up on."

"Yeah. Uh, Dave…I…miss you." There, he said it, admitted to God and everyone that he missed his brother. The sky didn't fall and a bolt of lightning didn't strike him down.

"I miss you, too, big brother. When…"

"Dave…can I…can I come home?" John almost dropped the phone when his brother made a sound almost as if he were on the verge of tears. It made John's own tears want to be free, but he kept them in by using every bit of will power he'd gained over the months of going to GA.

"Do you really have to ask?"

"I didn't know…I wasn't certain I'd be welcome. You know, because of…"

Now Dave sounded angry though not at John. "That was Dad. He pushed you away when you needed the support of your family behind you, and I am so, so sorry that I went along with it for so long."

"But…"

"How soon can you get here? Annie and the kids are anxious to meet you. Dylan and Haley. Sixteen and fourteen respectively."

The excitement in Dave's voice had replaced the rage making John laugh. "I…"

"Sheppard!"

Evan's voice cut into the conversation John was having with his brother. "Hold on." Holding the phone against his chest to muffle it, John waited for Evan to join him. "Yeah?"

"Woolsey just called. Needs us ASAP."

"Be right there." He waited until Evan had moved out of earshot before lifting the phone to his ear again. "Um, I gotta go. Look, Dave, there's something I have to do, but as soon as it's over, I'll be there."

"Looking forward to it. John?"

"Yeah?"

"I…" This time Dave hesitated and when he spoke again, John got the feeling he'd been about to say something else. "I'm glad we finally talked."

"Me too."

"Take care of yourself."

John quipped, "No promises. See you soon."

~~O~~

Evan watched John jog back to the truck and he was actually smiling. Not his usual smile, the one he put on for show. But a genuine smile that told him his partner was experiencing real happiness for one of the few times since he'd known him. They'd gone about five miles when he began to speak.

"We got word that November Squad was trapped in an area of heavy fighting and I convinced Hartley to let me go after them. When I got there, they were protecting a group of civilians suspected of being in league with rebels working the area. I'd only planned on bringing back the squad and their field medic, but I couldn't leave the civilians behind or they'd be killed. An older couple and their family, including two children. They weren't rebels. Just a family trying to survive under the most horrific conditions. Eight of them living in a one-room shack, the rest of their home destroyed.

"The chopper was too small to take everyone in one trip so it was decided that Caitlin, Justice, Salazar and the family would go. I'd refuel and come back for the rest. Cait tried to stay behind to tend to the squad's injuries but they sent her packing. I had to physically carry her to the chopper and order her in and she still argued with me.

"Salazar and Justice took positions in the open doors as we took off, the rest of the squad covering our take-off. We were within five miles of the base camp when the engine began to sputter. The fuel gauge still showed a quarter tank, more than enough to make it, when the indicator suddenly dropped to empty. We lost altitude while taking fire from the ground…"

Afghanistan

2004

Bullets pinged off the tail rotor, doors and skids causing the passengers to scream in fear. John knew the single-engine chopper was overloaded but it couldn't be helped. He'd taken as many as he could. Beside him, Caitlin ducked instinctively. He wanted to reassure her but needed to concentrate on getting them all back to the base camp in one piece.

"Justice! How's it looking down there?"

"We got three 452's and two 469's, armed to the teeth. Why don't you…" the engine sputtered, the chopper tilting side to side. The adults gasped, pulling the children close when they cried out. "What the f***?"

Second Lieutenant Virgil Justice was African-American, a big man, well over six feet, weighing in at two thirty-seven, all of it muscle, his head completely bald under his helmet. Born and raised in the Bronx in the middle of drug wars and gangs, joining the military was his way of fighting it on a larger scale.

"Hey! Wanna watch it there, Cap? I almost fell out." Salazar had escaped falling when two of the men grabbed him around the waist. Eloy Salazar had your typical mid-western farm boy looks. Light brown hair and eyes, barely making it to six feet, his two-ten frame had been honed from a life spent on the ski slopes in and around Boulder and Denver.

"Sorry. We got hit in the fuel tank, but looks like we're gonna make it, if you can get those guys to stop shooting at us."

The soldiers didn't bother to respond. They just let loose with a volley of weapons fire that would have sent lesser men running for cover. But these men had been fighting this particular fight so long it was a part of them, as if they'd been born with M-16's in their hands. They were persistent and determined to drive the American forces from their homeland and were using their own weapons against them in the fight.

Banking around to the left, John brought the chopper over a small forested area that forced the vehicles to cease their pursuit. But the trees presented a different problem to the airship.

John's eyes landed on the fuel gauge again, the indicator dropping to a level too low for them to reach the base camp. Again, they began to lose altitude, the skids brushing the tops of the trees just as he passed over a clearing, banking around to the right. One of the pursuing rebel vehicles had managed to catch up to them. They fired at them, several rounds hitting the canopy and thankfully missing the occupants, or so he thought. A shout from Salazar told him that Justice had been hit and the man had fallen from the open doorway.

John didn't have time to mourn the loss of a good man because up ahead he could see a military convoy halted, the soldiers firing at the rebels, forcing them to retreat. Suddenly, the engine cut out again, the main rotor slowing then coming to a stop. Without the lift it provided, the chopper began sinking like a stone.

He didn't have time to warn his passengers before they crashed into the Deuce.

Las Vegas, Nevada

Present

John's voice trailed off and Evan didn't encourage him to continue because no more needed to be said. The aftermath didn't need to be rehashed. There'd been enough of that over the years and in the months since they'd become partners. And he'd finally gotten everything he'd wanted when he took this job.

The partners rode in silence that seemed as if it would go on forever…until John spoke again.

"Tell me about Lee. What was she like?"

Evan shifted in his seat, a smile coming to his face. "Lee and I were born within days of each other, but couldn't have looked less alike if we'd tried. As a kid, my hair was dark blonde and hers was always jet black, kind of like Doc Adams'. Took after her dad except for the eyes." He indicated his own.

"As tweens, the three of us, my sister Courtney, Lee and I, spent so much time together we were called The Triplets by both families. When high school came around, Court had received a scholarship from one of the best art schools in California so it was just me and Lee for the next few years." He chuckled. "She always made me laugh when no one else could.

"After college, I joined the Air Force. She joined a couple of years later against her dad's wishes. Sort of a late bloomer as far as rebellion goes. Disliked being called 'the good girl' and the Air Force was her way of breaking out of the mold her parents wanted her to fit into." Evan shot a glance at John. "She was an exceptionally skilled cryptographer and planned on continuing with it after her last tour." His tone and expression saddened.

"After the funeral, my aunt told me that Lee had been seeing a superior officer against the non-frat regs. The pathologist could have used the baby's DNA to find out who the father was, but she begged them not to. Her daughter was gone. She didn't see any reason to ruin more lives."

His recitation done, Evan turned to look out the side window. They'd be at Area 52 in another five minutes.

"Sorry I didn't know her. Sounds like a nice girl. You taught her well."

"We taught each other."

~~O~~

The sun had gone down by the time the truck pulled into its assigned space at the motor pool, the partners going to their rooms. An unspoken agreement not to mention their heart-to-heart passed between them with an exchange of glances and a nod.

John was immediately out of his room again, jogging down the hall and knocking on Woolsey's door. He was admitted by Tish. "Doc, I'm glad I caught you. Got a few minutes?"

"Just about. What's up?"

"I'm ready to talk about Afghanistan."

Tish couldn't and didn't hide her surprise at John's insistence on finally talking about the crash. She'd tried on several occasions but he'd refused to say a word. "Of course. Let's go to my office and…"

"Woolsey needs to hear this too." Tish took one chair while John seated himself in the other. "I'll just tell it to you the way I told it to Lorne."

And he did.

Island of Newfoundland, Canada

The Next Morning

Clouds scudded across the sky and wind pushed its way around the two men standing beside a rental car on the side of the road making them shiver though they were dressed for the colder weather. They had a paper map spread out on the hood, peering closely at it then at their surroundings. Though they'd recently come to an understanding, they still felt the need to snipe at each other.

"…So we took this road, turned right on that one and stayed on it for two hours…" John was saying.

"…which leaves us lost," Evan finished for him.

"If you hadn't gotten the GPS wet…"

"Me? You're the one who dropped it in the water."

"Because you bumped into me."

"I was trying to get away from that young woman who thought I was a famous Canadian actor. Kevin something." Evan waved a hand. "Let's not get into it again."

Grinning, John shook his head. "Kavan."

"I'm sure she said Kevin."

"Nope. His name's Kavan Smith. And you look nothing like him."

His forehead creased in puzzlement. "I don't?"

"No. He's much better looking." John said with a smirk.

Evan decided to simply ignore the dig at his appearance and get back to practical matters. "So how do we get to the village where we have reservations?"

John picked up the map, turning in a circle as he tried to work out where they were, reading again the street signs on the corner. With a huff, he lowered the map. "I have no idea."

TBC

A/N: The vehicles described are Russian-made. Info on the UAZ-452's and UAZ-469's can be found on Wikipedia. Just type in "UAZ."