A Confederate Cowboy Casanova

Chapter One: Ill fated love

"Then there's the story of ill-fated love. It's Universal."

~ Rita Moreno

Romeo and Juliet.

He said we were like them, a tragic love. I should have looked closer at that statement. Romeo and Juliet had loved each other, may have defied their families and tried to elope, but they died. One sleeping, the other committing suicide, followed swiftly by the other. A true story of tragic love.

The only thing different between us and them? My romeo is already dead and he may have just killed the last of my heart. Was emotional suicide possible? I believed it was. There was so much pain in my chest, like he took his cold hand and gripped my heart and squeezed. It felt shattered and the shards were paining me. I have no more tears to cry. Even if I did, I'm not sure I could. I had cried excessively already and my eyes are read and puffy and they sting. A mirror to the pain in my heart and the ache behind my eyes, the throbbing of my veins.

He said I would forget him, called my mind a sieve. Not only did he crush my heart, he crushed my spirit and he took all mementos he had ever given me with him. The one thing he could not take though, were the memories. My mind was not a sieve, filled with wholes and my memories were not some liquid that could be drained. For someone who acts and wishes to be human, who lives like one, he doesn't know their minds very well. My mind may not be eidetic like a vampires, but it would not forget my love. My first love. Don't they say, you never forget your first love?

I remember all the moments we had together, both the good and the bad, and it is hard to believe it is a lie. He never loved me, never wanted me. I was just his human toy, something knew he couldn't figure out because he couldn't read my mind. I was a distraction in his long existence. He was just playing with his food before he decided what to do with it - I was his singer, I called to him. But not in some romantic soul-mate kind of way.

Sometimes I just wish I could go numb. Staring out into the snow covered forest from my place in front of the window, my father, Charlie, shoveling the drive - I wish I could be as clean and new, untainted, emotionless as the snow he shoveled. A blank slate. I knew I was hurting him, I'm not blind. I can see the faint bruises beneath his eyes from not sleeping. Edward has taken over my dreams, he shattered me here and now he shatters me in my sleep as well. I doubt I looked any better, perhaps I looked worse. I felt like it.

I want one good nights sleep instead of the hauntingly beautiful face and eyes of Edward Cullen. I didn't want to hear cruel words come from sweet lips that were curved into that half-smile that always made my heart pound and wings flutter in my stomach.

Edward Cullen was a jerk and I wished I could hate him.

"Bella?..." came the quiet whisper of my mother behind me. I glanced wearily behind me, my lips forever frowning, thought I wished I could take the worry from her eyes with a small smile. I knew she cared, and I thank her for that. But didn't she understand? I was broken and I couldn't be fixed. Only he can fix me.

"Bella, sweetheart, I've got lunch." she said holding out a small plate with a grilled cheese sandwich resting on it. It smelled delicious, it made my stomach roil in protest. I don't eat much anymore. He stole that too. I turned away and stared back out the window, hoping against hope that the Cullen's hadn't really abandoned me, they were simply lurking within the trees.

"You really need to eat something you know. I can understand what your feeling" Renee stared. No she didn't, no one could understand. "I loved someone I thought I couldn't live without. This was before your father mind, but I learned to live without him. We may never forget our first love, Bella, but we can move on from them. Our hearts have the ability to love more than once." she whispered sitting next to me, her hand resting lightly on my shoulder. I didn't want to forget him - perhaps that was the fear that coiled inside of me. Surely, one day, I will forget - what he looked like, what he tasted like, what he sounded and smelled like.

"Oh, I have a gift. I think you could use this more than me." Renee whispered pulling a small chain from her pocket and holding it out to me. at the end of the chain dangled a piece of shinny sea glass wrapped in wire. And in the middle, it looked like a flame burned. It was beautiful. I remember seeing this once, when I was a little girl.

"Your grandmother gave this too me, after James left me and before I met your father. I saw no hope in the world, it seemed dark and suffocating. But this, she handed it to me one day, said her mother gave it to her who got it from a young woman who went by the name Isabella. She said, the flame in the middle represented the fire of life and all it stood for. Love, hope, passion, desire. Rebirth. And that the sea glass around it, kept it alive, healed it. Grandmother said, that just because one door closes, another will open, with a more brighter and less desolate future. This necklace was to be that Representative. Apparently this Isabella woman, got it as a gift from her greatest, more fulfilling second love." She said. I watched silently as Renee gripped my hand and placed the necklace in the palm of my hand. The sea glass cool in the palm of my hand.

"I thought, you could use this to give you a little hope, that you can and will survive and find love again." My mother whispered into my ear as she pulled me into a hug and kissed the side of my head. I gripped the necklace and watched as my mother strolled, shoulder slumped out of my bedroom. I turned back to the necklace.

It was beautiful, but I don't think it could help me. I would never love another like Edward. No one could compare.

"No one could even come close," I whispered slipping the necklace on.