Ah! Finally I'm able to upload it! Hope everything will be fine with text, because I had some problems with uploading it /
Anyway I have to thank my beta ToumaSan who corrected main mistakes and told me to upload it immediately. Also he said he feels sorry for you guys...so prepare handekerchief and be ready to cry your heart out once again :) Hope you will enjoy it ;)
Kiyohime Well I think that is why God didn't send Natsuki to Shizuru immediately, only some months later...so she would calm own and not be jealous XD But anyway I will try to work on it ;) Thanks for reviwe, glad you like it and that you don't think it is stupid Although I need to inprove my writing :p And you whish! I will definetly finish this story, after all I know when the ned is comparing to other stories XD
WARNING: As alway will need to read fluff after it ;)
DISCLAIMER:Do I really have to repeat myself?
Chapter 12
Decision
Even though my mind was swearing and shouting loud, God still didn't appear 'How is it possible?' but no answer came. I just stood there, not able to do anything as I just stared at Shizuru and Reito who she held tightly in her arms 'Not fair…' once again ran through my mind making my fists clench once more while ghost tears dripped down my face. I tried to wipe them, but it was no use. It looked as if these tears were cursed because I just couldn't stop them 'What is going on here? Tears… why am I crying? Ghosts don't cry!' I opened my mouth and took in a breath of cold air hoping that it would make me feel better, but it was no use… I just didn't feel it, I can't breathe…
"Shizuru…" Reito's quiet voice returned me back to my senses and I quickly looked in their direction "Gomen, I really didn't want to push you or something… I just…"
"Hush, Reito. Everything is fine. It's not your fault. It's mine… It seems I'm still not ready…"
"That is why it is my fault, not yours. I should have known that you were not ready and not to push you…"
"You couldn't know that" she strokes his head with her delicate fingers, trying to make him feel better. She knew how he was feeling and I knew it too… but I just couldn't control this pain anymore "Even I didn't know" she whispered.
"Don't try to comfort me" he pushed himself away from Shizuru's embrace and looked into hers red rubies which were full of sorry and wanted to cry, to let all pain go away. But crying wouldn't help, nor did it help me… "I still feel responsible for my actions and I…"
But he couldn't finish his sentence as the delicious lips of my beloved one pressed against his and kissed him gently. At first he was shocked by this action but soon all his senses were blocked and he just enjoyed the moment which made me feel even more jealous. The one, who started the kiss, was the one who finished it… Shizuru pulled away and pressed her light hands against his face while rubbing his cheeks with her thumbs.
"Onegai, let's stop this talk"
"If you wish so…"
"I do"
"Then I will"
"Ookini, Reito" she placed another kiss upon him before taking his strong body into her arms for another time and he responded in the same way.
'Why are you doing this to me, Shizuru? Don't you feel right now that I'm in pain? Why are you hurting me even more now? Is it revenge for me hurting you back then? No…it can't be revenge, you don't remember this pain anymore, do you? Or is it you God who makes me pay for that?' I looked up hoping to see any kind of His existence here, to hear Him. But He was still quiet 'What kind of game are you playing with us? With me? Didn't you promise that she won't remember me? Then why the hell is this happening!' I waited for some time, but understood that it was pointless. Sighing, I faced the couple in front of me.
"Shizuru" I whispered on what she rose her head a bit "We need to talk… while I can…" and she nodded slowly.
My empty, teary eyes watched as Shizuru pushed Reito away and said to him in most loving voice that she could manage at the moment.
"Reito, dear… I'm sorry if I will sound rude, but… could you leave me with my thoughts for some time?"
"Of course…I will be downstairs, call me when you will be ready to face me"
"Downstairs? Aren't you going home?"
"Ara, how forgetful you are today. Didn't I promise that I will stay by your side all the time? But if you don't want to see me then…"
"No of course not! I want to see you! Stop saying such foolish things! I just need some time alone now. But if you wish to stay I don't mind… just give me some time to think, please… And don't get any wrong ideas; you really didn't do anything bad"
"Ok, I will go and check how the maids are doing"
"Ara, I'm asking you to leave only for some time but you are already thinking about maids"
"I didn't mean it that way, Shizuru!"
"Hai, hai" smiling she placed a kiss upon his lips "Now go and remember, nothing perverted"
"I would never do anything perverted" he stood up "only with you" he smiled brightly.
"Hentai"
Reito just smiled, in reply, even more, before buttoning his shirt and exiting the room 'At least their moods got better…'
"Natsuki…" I heard Shizuru's weak voice which made me face her.
"Shizuru" I answered weakly while my teary eyes looked at her form.
"So you still can talk" she smiled "Ureshi"
"Why?"
"Huh?" she was confused by my question.
"Why are you happy about that? Why are you sad when I'm quiet? And what is more important…why did you stop? Why did you stop him? You wanted it, didn't you?" I tried all my best to keep my voice in normal way.
Shizuru's face became sadder and I was sure that I could see confusion in her eyes which were now looking at the floor "I would like to know too…"
"D-do you want to say that you don't know?" I asked not sure what to do about it.
"Hai… I don't know why, but when I know that my angel is near me…I feel happy…Even happier than I am with Reito… And back then…I…I just couldn't bear with the pain that I heard in your voice" she raised her head and looked in my direction although she didn't see me "Your pain… I didn't just hear it, I…I felt it" hand clenched on her heart "It hurt so much to know that you are in pain…"
"Shizuru…" was the only thing I could manage. My mind didn't work and I just didn't know what to say, how to react to such answer 'so it pains her to know that I'm in pain… why on earth do we have such a big connection with each other!'
"Now…" her voice broke my thoughts "There are some questions that I would like to ask you while you can answer me…"
"Go ahead…"
Shizuru nodded and took some time to think "Why can't you communicate with me? What is so bad in it?"
"Sorry, can't answer on this question"
"Why?"
"Top secret" I tried to laugh a little, but it more sounded like some psycho.
"So called heaven secret?"
"Bulls eye"
"I see… then what about this one… why are you talking with me now? Or maybe better to say why are you talking at all? Before you left me, you were just moving objects"
"I didn't leave you; I'm always by your side, but about talking… I don't know why I'm able to talk to you… it seems my powers are growing each day, that is why I asked you not to try to receive answer from me or things can get out of control"
"What things, what is bad in all that?"
"Can't answer…"
"So it is the last time that I'm able to communicate with you" her eyes were staring at floor, finding it very interesting while her hair was covering her face.
"Yes…"
"If it is dangerous…then why are you talking with me right now?"
"There were some questions on which I wanted to know answers"
"Did you receive them?"
"No… well not all"
"I see…Well I have one more question, the most important one…"
"What is it?"
"Tell me Natsuki…Why did youi nterrupt…why did you stop me and Reito? And…why did it pain you so much?" she asked me weakly making my breath stop…
The question…it was the question which I feared to hear…which Ididn't want to answer…I didn't know what to answer…'Life is unfair…so unfair…what do I have to do? I can't tell the truth, but I also don't know what lie to say…' I felt like I was pressed against a wall and surrounded, like there was no way out…
"Well…"I started, but had no idea how to continue it 'How should I explain it to her…"Why do you think it pained me?" I asked although I already knew the answer.
Shizuru raised her head and bite her lower lip while looking lost. It seemed like she didn't know theanswer or didn't know how to reply. She moved a little before taking deep breath and replying with a little unsure voice. Itwasreallyraretohearherlikethisanditmademeworriedevenmore.
"I…I felt it…I don't know why or how…but I just feel it…I feel your emotions…when you are happy I'm warm…when you are sad, I'm cold…but back then" Shizuru crossed her hands and shivered a little while keeping eyes closed.
I took deep breaths while waiting for her to continue. It pained me to see graceful and happy Shizuru so broken and sad right now and what caused even more pain was realizing that it was me who caused it'I need to hurry, I can't keep it like this or we both will be broken and who knows how it will end in the end'
"I didn't feel only cold…I felt pain…big pain inside of my heart" she continued, holding right hand on her chest and clenching it tightly, still holding her eyes closed "It hurt so much, like thousand arrows were shot into it…normal pain doesn't hurt like this…"she opened her eyes and tears started to fell down her cheeks. It broke me fully…I couldn't bare it, seeing her cry was the last thing which I needed right now so I closed my eyes that I wouldn't see her 'I need to end itfast, I can't bare it anymore'
"I felt…"she smiled weakly "like I was cheating…How should I understand feelings like that? How? You are just my angel, you are not my lover…you are not even alive" her voice was weak "It isn't normal…we humans can't have such big connection with angels, I never had such…tell me why do I have one now?" Now her voice was more serious and it seemed that she was demanding an answer.
I slowly opened my eyes and looked in her direction and backed away…Her deep crimson eyes, wet from tears and full of pain looked straight into mine…Like if she knew where I was standing. It made me so uncomfortable that I couldn't say a word 'Please don't look at me like this, turn around…or close your eyes, please' I opened my mouth several times, but no sound came out'Calmdown Kuga…You can do it, you have to do it! Think!'
"I don't know why you felt like this…I was just worried about you…" I lied feeling all embarrassed. I never lied to her before, well if not include my lies about HiME thing…Now my first lies appeared when she found out about me as angel, when she started to communicate with me…but now my lie was becoming bigger and bigger and Ijustc ouldn't take it, I had to stop my lies as soon as possible, I had tostop our talk.
"Worried? Why? Is Reito some kind of criminal?"she asked me with concern.
"No, ofcourse not! He's a good guy! Really good! Maybe the best I've ever met!" I answered quickly; I didn't want her to taket hings so wrong. Reito really didn't deserve it, but…at the moment I hated him as well…I just couldn't bare seeing them so close, so happy…so in love…But I'm not so cruel…my desires are big, but I understand that it will be unfair for me to do such cruel thing to them, to separate them…because I will never be alive again…but Shizuru is still living, she has to be happy…'Damn! Why am I repeating myself! I told it for million times and still…and still it pains and still I'm trying to convince myself…Reito…I'm sojealous right now! Damnit! I need to calm down'
"Then why!" she demanded, returning me back to my senses, to the cruel reality.
"I…I…can't tell you…Gomen…"
"No, no, no! I'm calm person, very calm and patient but Iwant to know an answer, I need to know it…" her voice became quiet" I just can't live like this…not knowing what pains you, why I feel it and why I care…"
"I was just worried…when the truck…I was so scared! I'm your angel and you arei mportant to me…I was scared that I won't be able to do my work properly, that I will fail…that you will die…"my voice began to be louder "I was just shocked! I don't know what happened with me, I don't know why I interrupted…I just don't know"and became quiet once more.
'A Lie…again a lie…not fair…it's not fair towards her…' I never felt as bad as right now…I wished to disappear, to die…'Hows tupid…I am already dead' I laughed to myself. Shizuru sat quiet, still looking in my direction. It seems she believed me and didn't know what to say. I stood not moving…waiting for her reply or just hoping that she won't say anything and that it was the end of our discussion. Some time passed, but no word was spoke nand I sighed in relief, but…it seems I relaxed to soon…Shizuru's gaze became more intensive and her eyes widened a little. I looked at her with puzzled expression not understanding what was wrong. I looked behind but didn't see anyone there. My gaze returned back to her still as puzzled and lost as before. It is the time when her beautiful mouth opened once more.
"Na…tsuki…are you lying to me?"
"What? No! Why do you think so?"
"I can see it…"
"Wh-what?" I asked nervously, fearing for the worst.
"I can see you Natsuki; I see your body, face and all your feelings in it…"
"Not again…we need to stop it…don't communicate with me anymore! And please don't worry about me, I'm here with you!" I said quickly and started to back away.
"No Iwon't! Until I won't find what is going on here!" her voice became loud and she slowly stood on her feet "At first I just missed you, your presence, your responses…but now my feeling and longing became bigger! Things can't be as simple as you say. Tell me, what is wrong!"
"Shizuru calm down…it doesn't suit you"
"I don't care, I want to know!"
"I can't…I'm not allowed…As I already said it is better for you not to know" I backed even more.
"Not fair!"she shouted loudly making me back even more and look at her with more pained expression, fearing that things will go out of my hands.
When I thought that there is no way out, the door opened and Reito entered the room. It seems he heard her shout and hurried back to her room. Seeing her in such broken state made him go pale and he quickly ran towards her. Itl ooked like he didn't see me so using thischance I quickly ran into the bathroom…away from her pained expression, from the questions at which I didn't want to answer 'I'm running away! How pathetic…I Kuga Natsuki have never run away…' I fell on my knees'Never…what have you done to me Shizuru...'
"Natsuk icome back!" I heard Shizuru's hurt voice along with several sobs.
"Shizuru, calm down! What happened? Who is Natsuki?" was heard Reito's voice… voice full of worry and panic… voice, which cared…
No answer came; only quiet sobs were heard before I heard the two fall on the floor. Although I wouldn't call it a fall, the sound was quiet which meant that it was Reito who captured her and gently sat on floor, still holding his beloved… my beloved…
"Shizuru…" he asked gently, paining me inside. It tore my heart apart to know whose fault it was for Shizuru's crying and to know that it isn't me there, who holds her…
"Ka…Kanin na, Reito" she answered weakly, sobs still coming along with her words "I…I just fell asleep and… saw a nightmare… it felt so real that I… Kanin na, I didn't want you to worry"
'Liar'
"Everything is fine Shizuru… You are not asleep anymore, I'm here… but, who is Natsuki?"
Sobs suddenly stopped what made sense. Shizuru couldn't tell the truth 'New lies…' I waited…I patiently waited for her reply and the same did he. He was quiet…
"I…don't know… she just appeared in my dream and…"
"What were you dreaming about?"
"I…I don't want to talk about it…"
"Alright…we won't…just calm down, pained and feared expressions don't suit you" I was sure that he was smiling at her with his charming smile which never had effect on me "But I have to admit the tears do suit you. People are right saying that crying women are beautiful"
"Ara…does Reito want me to cry?"
"No…" he continued in his calm voice "The thing I want to say is that you don't have to hide them from me…your tears… I want always be by your side when you are in pain or just sad…I want you to let all your pain out, I will always be by your side, no matter what…"
"Reito…Ookini…"
The way she said his name made me clench my teeth together. It sounded so nice and beautiful… Like my name sounded when she pronounced it…when we were together… I closed my eyes, sitting on the floor and suffering. Pain was big, very big and what was more important, knowing that it is my fault 'everything will be fine…time will pass along with her confusion and pain. I'll be fine…just need some time…I can do it…It's for her after all, for Shizuru' I comforted myself, taking deep breaths. Although I'm dead, it still helped a little 'I wonder why it didn't help last time…although come to think of it, it doesn't always help, even when I was alive' suddenly I felt something warm. I opened my eyes just in time to see Jack's appearance. He stood in front of me with serious face, his blue eyes staring straight into mine. But I didn't care…I haven't even greeted him. My half opened eyes just looked back at him, my body didn't move…this incident just took all my strength away…
"Natsuki" he spoke, his voice firm "What are you doing?"
"Sitting?" I asked him smiling like idiot.
"I can see that. I'm asking about what happened some time ago, why did you interrupt?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Natsuki…you can't be jealous! Look what you have done to her!"
"Do you think I don't know!" I roared back.
"Onegai…" my eyes snapped wide, it was Shizuru's voice "Don't…"
"Shizuru?" was heard Reito once more.
"Kanin na Reito, I just... I'm tired...I want to sleep"
"Hai, I will help you"
"I think we should go somewhere else, it seems you made too big connection with her, she hears us"
"I…I didn't want it to happen…" my head fell.
"Come" he answered before we were both sucked by bright light.
I still didn't move so he raised me and took me to our special room where we could talk without any problem. If I was in good state I would never allow him to carry me in bride style way, but right now…I didn't care…I just wanted to be as far as possible from Shizuru, to put my thoughts in order, to calm down…
"We are here" he said. I was so out of it all that I didn't even notice how we entered the room, but it wasn't important "Natsuki get a hold of yourself!" he ordered me, but I didn't listen. He sighed and put me on the floor where I lay down "Natsuki…"
"Why did you come?"
"Friends can't just come to check on how their friends are doing?"
"You never did it before…"
"I never was so worried about you, just look at yourself! You are not the Natsuki who I have come to know"
"What do you know…"
"A lot…"
"You can't understand me…"
"Why not? I know exactly how you feel, your pain… Do you think I was always an angel?" this made me look at him "Yes, I was a human too. And I had my beloved too. I know how hard it is to let someone go…but I did let her…I didn't stay by her side, I let her live…"
"You just let her go? And you call that love? And if something were to happen to her!"
"That's life, Natsuki. People die and suffer; it has to happen…besides she had her guardian angel"
"And where is she now?"
"She died a long time ago, I saw her before God let her in heaven…"
"What do you want to tell me by that?"
"Maybe you should let her go too? It will be easier for you both"
"I…I can't… you saw in what pain she has didn't you? And it all started from her worry that I didn't answer her!" I sat, thoughts starting to come in some order.
"Give her some time…"
"No…I was always doing what you and God said, but look at the result! She is in pain, huge pain!" I roared "No…now I will do what I think is right…"
"And how?"
"I will continue to talk with her"
"What?"
"Yes I will! I just need to calm down… didn't you notice that my power becomes bigger only when I'm suffering, when I'm in pain, when my feelings for Shizuru are becoming incredibly big…didn't you notice it?" 'Funny, that I started to realize it just now…'
"I did"
"See! I just need to calm down and try not to pain myself, and then everything will be fine"
"But she already sees you! I'm sure she will still see you tomorrow, even week after!"
"And?"
"Your face, it can bring memories back"
"Then teach me how to become invisible!"
"You are invisible! You and she just have some strange connection that is breaking all barriers between her and our world"
"Then give me some time…" I lay back "Let me calm down… I'm sure things will calm down as well…"
"Ok, I will leave you for now… But remember, if the mess like this will continue, God will take you away from her by force"
"Doesn't He have to help?"
"He is helping"
"Really? It makes me feel like He is enjoying seeing us in such state… didn't He promise that everything will be fine?"
"I told you…" light appeared behind him "You two are special, He didn't expect things to turn out like this and He can't do anything to stop it. The only thing He can do is to separate you two. But as you can see, He gives you a chance… Make things better and you will stay, no…you will have too leave her…" he started to disappear "Call me when you will be ready to go back" and finally disappeared.
I laid there not moving, thinking over and over about what happened and what he told me 'So He isn't controlling things which are happening between us…His power isn't enough…I wonder…is it because we were both HiMEs or is there some other meaning to all this…I should stop thinking about it if I want to relax. Everything will be fine…I will be able to take things under control…I won't allow my selfish emotions to take control over me…never!'
Mini feed.
Nasuki: Author do you really like to make people cry?
Bad one: Hmm…YES! It always makes me know that I did good work!
Natsuki: Didn't you try to make people laugh?
Bad one: If you want to laugh, then read my other stories. Especially 'Battle of Fuuka'.
Natsuki: You should make this story more cheerful, or I will turn emo!
Shizuru: Na-tsu-ki…
Natsuki: Shit! Shizuru is already emo! Run! –runs away-
Bad one: Shizuru is emo!
Shizuru: Author –with empty voice-
Bad one: H-hai…
Shizuru: 1…2…3…
Bad one: Huh?
Shizuru: 8…9…10, whoever hasn't hid yet, is his/her problem… -Bad one is still confused- Kiyohime…
Bad one: 0.0 now I get it!
But it was already too late…
Well hope you enjoyed it :)
Now I will try to upload 'Darkness' XD