Sadness and Hate

Sad (adj.) - 1: a. affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness, b. causing or associated with grief or unhappiness, c. of little worth; 2: of a dull somber color

Hate (n.) - 1: a. an intense hostility and aversion usu. deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury, b. extreme dislike or antipathy: loathing; 2: an object of hatred

I look up at the dark clouds and zip up my rain jacket. I don't feel like going inside to hide from the adverse weather. A streak of lightning dashes through the sky, soon followed by a clap of roaring thunder. Seconds later a torrential downpour starts, blowing across the island in the chill wind. The rain will do horrible things to my hair, but right now I don't care. Sometimes I find it strangely satisfying to expose myself to the harsher elements. I tilt my chin back and blink the rain out of my eyes. I know Krillin sometimes worries about me when I do things like this; he automatically assumes it's because I'm not feeling well or something is on my mind. Even now he doesn't fully realize how little I feel. I'm not affected by emotions the way he is. How could I explain it to him? Someone who feels doesn't understand how another cannot. It's like trying to tell a blind man what it's like to see, or a blind man telling a man with sight what it's like not to be able to see. There's a chasm in understanding that can't be crossed.

I push my wet hair back as it sticks to my face. I hear the front door of Kame House creak open and slap closed, but I don't turn to see who it is. I already know my husband of one year is standing on the steps watching me. I imagine his clutching his red jacket closed with his head slightly bowed to protect his eyes from the sharp drops of water. I can't understand his concern for me. I wish I could, but with my inability to feel, my empathy is mostly faked like my emotions. I finally turn when I feel his warm hand enclose mine.

He doesn't say anything, apparently happy to stand in the gusting wind with me as the storm rages around us. It seems strange to me that even the weather seems to have more genuine emotions than I do. It reminds me how abhorrently unnatural I am. One side of my mouth turns down, the subtle expression lost in the blinding rain. A raging storm: is it angry? A bright, sunny day: is it as cheerful as we say? Dreary, gray clouds: are they sad? Feelings are an enigma to me, and even now, after being with Krillin for so long, I still try to hide the fact that I don't feel. If he knew about the emotion-inhibitor would he doubt what I truly do feel? The feelings he awakens are precious to me. They are so oddly foreign, but they are the most real thing I have. And sometimes it is the reality of these feelings that I dislike the most.

…

She stood off to the side, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed over her chest. It was the first time she agreed to accompany Krillin when he went to a small gathering at Capsule Corporation with his friends. She wished she had decided to stay home; it was awkward and uncomfortable to be around these people who previously held such animosity toward her. For the most part they ignored or silently accepted her presence, but she knew they were uneasy around her. Maybe it was her cold, lifeless eyes that drilled holes through their souls. Or maybe it was that they still wondered if she was going to follow Mirai Trunks' prophecy and try to destroy the world. The reason didn't matter; all that mattered was that they didn't trust her and, though they may not say it, didn't want her there. Especially Vegeta. He was as distant from the others as she, but she could sense a particular hostility from him. She couldn't blame him. The files she had on him described him as pathologically egotistical, a real narcissist, and she had bested him with ease during their first fight. Even if he could kill her now, he couldn't forget his defeat.

Turning her attention from the saiyan prince, she listened to Krillin finishing a humorous story about training with Goku as a kid. The others burst into laughter, so she forced a short, weak chuckle. Its fake sound made her cringe. How could an android make a realistic sound of inner joy? She felt no joy, at least not for longer than a millisecond. Tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, she wished she could participate in the festivities of Krillin and his friends. She didn't care much about the others, but she wanted to be able to be at Krillin's side, not standing aside in the shadows, trying to hide her inability to blend in.

Her lips turned down when she felt a brief flash of sadness. She recognized it instantly, and though it was now gone, it made a lasting impression. She looked back over at the group of long-time friends, wondering what she had to be sad about. At the moment she wasn't next to Krillin and wasn't participating in their lively conversation, but was that enough to make her sad? She snorted at her own ridiculous human emotion. Sadness was something she wasn't so willing to entertain or fake through words and behavior. Perhaps she wanted to seem human, to make herself believe she was at least in part still human, but she wasn't willing to be petty. At least, not until she felt another pang of sadness that was quickly extinguished.

Damn it all, she really did want to be human again. She couldn't remember what it was like, but she knew that it had to be better than her current existence. She imagined if she were still human she wouldn't be so hollow inside. She could enjoy herself as the humans around her were. She could feel what Krillin felt when he was with her. She could lose her rationality for a moment and stick her foot in her mouth as he so often did. Wouldn't that be… pointless. She shook her head, again choosing to ignore the sadness that was held at bay by the device Dr. Gero installed in her brain. The device that stole away a part of her humanity.

Then she felt another emotion she hadn't felt for a while – at least not since she caught Roshi trying to peek through the key hole in the bathroom door. Anger. At least, she thought it was anger at first. But when it didn't fade, she focused more attention on the feeling swelling inside, practically consuming her like a fire from the inside. Her hands clenched into fists as she delved into the feeling, reveling in the ability to feel anything even if it made her internal temperature rise and her body tremble.

"Hon? Are you okay?"

She hadn't realized her eyes were closed until she opened them and saw Krillin standing in front of her, concern etched clearly on his face. Looking past him, she saw the others had stopped in their storytelling to watch their interaction. As soon as the feeling came it was gone, returning her to robotic stoicism. Except for the tiniest sense of sadness over losing the feeling.

"I'm fine," she answered. Krillin looked surprised when he heard a slight waver in her normally deadpan tone. Seeing his expression, she quickly averted her pale blue eyes.

"You sure?"

"Yes," she hissed. The feeling she lost returned for a few seconds before dimming.

"Okay," he said, raising his hands as he backed off. "You just looked, well, you looked upset about something."

She sniffed, rolling her eyes at his concern. She didn't like to act so coldly toward the only person she liked, but he was grating on her nerves. Funny, she thought, how she could be irritated even if she didn't feel anything. "Go back to your friends. Don't let me spoil your fun."

The emotionless, hollow tone had returned, which assured him everything was as it should be with her. Sighing, Krillin nodded and gave her a hesitant smile before turning and walking back over to his friends.

Was something wrong with her? She snorted. Only everything. She was some sort of twisted abomination. Half machine, half organic, she didn't really fit into either world. She could still catch glimpses of the emotions she should have that made her feel human again, but by and large she thought like a purely rational computer. She wanted so much to remember what life was like as a human before she was turned into this…thing. If the memories were there, she didn't know how to access them. All she knew (and she wasn't sure how she knew) was that she and her twin brother were kidnapped by Dr. Gero and taken to his secret laboratory to be turned into androids. Technically they were cyborgs, but he treated them as pure machines, going so far as to dub them Android 17 and Android 18. The ultimate dehumanization.

She felt her fingernails digging into her palms as her fists tightened. There it was again, the feeling mysteriously similar to anger that wasn't stolen from her. Being more careful to mask her automatic body language, she explored the feeling deeper, wondering where it stemmed from and why it wasn't being inhibited. The world around her seemed to fade away as she lost herself in it, drowning herself in the tumultuous feeling. After several long minutes of stoking its flames and testing its magnitude, she was finally able to confirm what it was: hate. Having figured that out, she was able to conclude what caused it: Dr. Gero.

When she and her brother killed him, had they been acting out of hatred? Had it been so short-lived because of their successful annihilation of the crazed scientist that she didn't have time to feel it before? Or were they simply acting defiantly based on no particular feeling or reason? Thinking back, she couldn't honestly remember. Maybe there had been some sort of hatred flowing through her as she watched her brother slaughter him.

It made sense to hate Dr. Gero, but why was the feeling arise presently? She shifted her gaze to the group of friends who were again laughing boisterously over an old story they had likely heard dozens of times before. That was why. Sadness reared its ugly head before dipping back below her conscious awareness. She wanted to be like them. Seeing them having a good time made her want to be a part of it; even if she couldn't fully understand the concept of joy, she still knew that it was pleasant. Something worth having. Something she would never know again. And it was because of her maniacal creator.

Apparently the others decided to relocate the party because they started filing out of the room in small clusters. She watched passively as Bulma stopped next to Vegeta and stroked his cheek, whispering something to him. Bulma's affection was so blatantly obvious. Shouldn't Vegeta have responded in kind? Shouldn't he have at least shown some sort of feeling? It didn't matter if he should have because he didn't.

What a fool. He wasn't human, but saiyans had emotions all the same. But Vegeta was too damn proud to recognize his emotions, suppressing them. Didn't he realize what a gift they were? Aside from anger, he hid them, ignored them, pushed them away until he was dead to them. She would gladly trade places with him. Let him have his stoicism and she could have the emotions she craved. They were wasted on him. She felt another jolt of sadness, this time mixed with anger as she observed the stony-faced saiyan. He didn't deserve what he had. And Bulma shouldn't waste her time with him. She was an honest, caring woman. She was the type of woman any man would be lucky to have.

Sadness again, then gone. She could never be that type of woman for Krillin. Try as she might, she couldn't feel. She could go on counterfeiting emotions her whole life, but they would never be what he needed from her. What he deserved. She found herself experiencing hate again as she followed Bulma and Vegeta out of the room. But this time it was directed at the saiyan. She wanted to make him realize what she saw, but getting through to him would be nearly impossible. And hardly worth the trouble. She didn't want anything to do with him. She could have done it for Bulma's benefit, but she didn't have much attitude toward the blue-haired woman one way or the other.

"What are you thinking about?" Krillin asked as he held his arm out for her to take.

She gazed down at the short man, briefly making eye contact with him. He was the only person who didn't ever seem to be put on edge by her eyes. Sadness. Hatred. Sadness again. Nothing. It wasn't fair that she was devoid of emotion but she could still feel something as strong as hate. What good was that? She couldn't hate him, so it was a feeling wasted. Yes, she wanted to feel for herself, but more than that she wanted to feel for his sake. She wanted to be able to reciprocate, to know what it was like to be in his head when he looked at her or talked with her.

The injustice of it was maddening. It was one thing to install a limitless power core and give her the ability to fly without ki, but it was something else entirely to inhibit her emotions and steal a part of who she was. Memories she could live without. But emotions? No. She needed those so she could be the kind of woman Krillin deserved. He was a good man. He was kind, thoughtful, generous, and caring. Happiness danced in his deep brown eyes when he saw her and he couldn't seem able to hide his smile whenever she entered the room. But her? She never smiled without thinking about it. Her eyes showed nothing. There was nothing there to show. How could he want someone like her? Why couldn't she be better?

She sighed, finally answering, "The downside of being cybernetically modified."

"Downside?" He grinned goofily. "There's no downside. You're perfect the way you are."

She decided not to tell him how wrong he was. She found she honestly didn't want him to know. Maybe he would leave her if he knew she didn't feel joy when she was with him. That she didn't feel sadness when he gone. That she didn't feel anger when someone insulted him. Sadness. Hate. Lots of hate. Sadness over feeling hate. Hate for only feeling hate.

Hate, she discovered, was a choice. Unlike what many people believe, hate isn't the opposite of love. Love and hate are two sides to the same coins: based in passionate feelings and deeply caring about a person. Of course love is positive and hate is negative, but they aren't opposites. She mulled these thoughts over as they walked outside to the patio where Dr. Brief was grilling lunch for them. She could choose to hate, or she could choose the true opposite of love: apathy. She excelled at apathy. After all, she wasn't given the luxury of emotionality. She didn't want to be hateful. She didn't want to expend any energy hating the man who made her into a sort of hybrid monster. She didn't want to feel anything for Dr. Gero if she couldn't feel anything for Krillin. He was the only person on the planet who deserved her feelings.

But it was easier to make the decision to choose apathy over hatred than it was to follow through. As she sat down at the table between Krillin and Gohan, she felt hatred bubbling up again. Never before had she fully realized how much Dr. Gero harmed her. Of course it was evil and sadistic for him to kidnap two runaways and perform unethical experiments on them against their will for the sake of achieving his own selfish goals, but that wasn't the real injury. Maybe without his interference she never would have met Krillin. But she did meet Krillin – after having her emotions effectively removed along with any trace of her former humanity. She was unworthy of him, and that was what made her hate Dr. Gero so strongly. He injured her, but in so doing he also injured Krillin even if he wasn't aware of it. She seethed with the hate even as she tried to dismiss it.

"Babe?"

She turned her head to face Krillin. "What?"

"You seem distracted today. Are you sure you're okay?"

In one instant sadness came and went. She wasn't okay, but she couldn't tell him why. He deserved to know, but she didn't want to lose him. She snapped, "I told you I'm fine."

He sighed heavily. "If you say so."

Her hatred grew. Now she was hurting him because she had been hurt by Gero. Her hatred for him was being taken out on the man she liked. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right. Well, maybe she couldn't get the hate to go away as easily as she hoped, but that didn't mean she had to give in to its thrall. No, she wasn't going to be hateful toward Krillin. So what if she could feel it? So what if the fact that she wasn't fully human made her feel fully human? It wasn't worth hurting Krillin. No way. In the span of five minutes she made a second life-changing decision: as tired as she was of it, regardless of how much she wanted to stop it, as much as she disliked having to deceive him, she was going to continue faking her emotions so he could live in the belief that she really felt them and was really reciprocating his feelings.

But with that decision came another short wave of sadness. This time she wasn't going to hide from it and brush it off because she didn't like it. She should feel sad, so she was going to be sad! With a conscious effort she contracted the muscles in her face to pull the corners of her mouth down. She made her lower lip tremble, then forced some crocodile tears to accumulate in her metallic blue eyes.

Krillin leaned closer when he saw her distress. "Hey, hon, I really wish you'd tell me what's up. I want to help."

She brushed her eyes with the back of her hand, sniffling quietly. "Don't worry about it," she whispered so only he could hear. "I don't want to talk about it here. I'll tell you when we get home."

He frowned but nodded in agreement. "Do you want to go now?"

"No. You shouldn't have to leave because of me." She bowed her head, allowing her hair to slip out from behind her ear and shade her face with a silky blonde curtain. She didn't want the others to see her like this. She was faking sadness purely for Krillin. The others didn't matter to her. She would rather them think of her as a stoic mechanical freak. Faking emotions was hard enough for one person, she didn't want to have to do it for them too, to make it all more believable to him.

"If you're sure," he said. Reaching over, he took her hand and weaved his fingers with hers. She gently squeezed his hand in return.

For the rest of the afternoon she continued to stand off to the side, faking despondency whenever Krillin glanced her way. Lips turned down, eyes were downcast, arms crossed over her chest, nose sniffled, shoulders slumped. As soon as he turned back to his friends she released a breath, allowing herself to relax. If anyone noticed her seemingly bi-polar behavior they didn't mention it. She doubted anyone was paying attention to her anyway.

It wasn't until after dinner that they finally boarded their small plane to return to Roshi's island. She would have preferred flying without the vehicle, but since Turtle, Oolong, and Roshi couldn't fly, Krillin was elected to pilot the plane for them and she wanted to stay with him. She kicked Roshi out of the front passenger seat and rested her hands in her lap, staring passively out the windshield as they flew home. Krillin continued talking and joking with the others, reiterating stories that were told during their visit to Capsule Corporation and bringing up others that weren't shared earlier. She didn't bother listening since they weren't likely to ignite any sort of natural response anyway. Besides, ignoring the fun was a good way of continuing the façade of sadness she was putting on for Krillin.

When they landed on the small beach, she got out of the plane and walked closer to the shore where the surf barely touched her toes. Over the distant crashing waves she heard the sound of the plane being encapsulated, feet shuffling through the sand, and the door of the house opening and closing. She crossed her arms over her chest as she watched the rolling ocean stretching for miles in every direction.

"So what's up?" she heard Krillin ask softly. He sounded distant, but he was probably only a few paces away. She took a deep breath and released it slowly.

"I don't deserve your attention," she told him.

There was a pause. Then he replied shakily, "What do you mean, hon?"

She finally turned around, her mouth drawn in a deep frown. Nervously she clinched her shirt in her hands. "You're too good to me. I can't give you anything in return."

"That's not true – babe, what are you talking about? I don't expect anythi—"

She held up her hand, cutting him off. "I don't feel how you feel."

Krillin swallowed back the lump in his throat. Nodding, he turned his gaze down to the wet sand between his feet and kicked it with his toe. "Does this – I mean, are you – are you breaking up with me?"

"No," she practically shouted. "No, that isn't what I mean." She smoothed her hair back from her face and turned her eyes skyward. The sky was darkening, but it was still light in the west. Still, the first stars were shining and the crescent moon was glowing dimly. She didn't know what she was trying to say anymore. She hadn't bothered rehearsing any speeches during the ride home. She didn't know what she was feeling, if anything, and she didn't know at this point what she should be feeling.

"That's a relief," he muttered.

She smiled a little. The idea of leaving him gave her a quick feeling of heartbreak. No, she wasn't going to break up with him. She liked him. A lot. She didn't just want to stay with him, she wanted him to stay with her. If she broke up with him she had no doubt he would avoid her, not only because he would be hurt but because he respected her enough to give her space if that was what she wanted.

Deciding to start over she explained as plainly as she could, "I don't experience emotions the way you do. I can't give you what you want from me."

Krillin stepped closer and took both her hands in his, smiling reassuringly. "Babe, I don't expect or want anything from you. I just want to be with you. That's all."

She shook her head slowly. "You mean you don't care that I won't be happy when you're happy? And I won't be sad when you're sad?"

"Nope. It doesn't matter to me. I know if you could feel you would feel what I'm feeling, but if you can't I don't mind. It doesn't matter to me, hon. I want you to be you," he said. "Besides, I think you do feel some things. I can tell."

"Yes, things like hate," she replied bitterly. "It's awful, but the only person I can feel anything for is that bastard Dr. Gero. I hate him! I hate what he did to me and my brother."

He nodded sympathetically. "You have every right to hate him."

"Stop being so understanding," she grumbled through a small smile. Why was she smiling? She didn't feel happy, at least not that she knew of. But again, Krillin somehow made things happen that she didn't think were possible.

"Sorry," he said jokingly.

Gently pulling her hands free, she sat down in the sand and patted the ground next to her. When he sat next to her, she leaned over, resting her head on his shoulder. "I will try, though. I'll try to show feeling."

"Only if you want to," he said. He stroked her soft hair, pulling it back from her face and tangling his fingers in it.

"I do," she said. She lifted her head from his shoulder and held his chin in her hand, turning him to face her. Her cold blue eyes searched his for a few long moments. He was so good to her. She didn't deserve him, but he wanted her. And she really wanted him. Slowly, almost hesitantly, she tilted her head to the side and moved closer, barely parting her lips as she kissed him for the first time.

He froze at first, experiencing his first kiss. And it was with an amazing woman who, by some twist of fate, returned his affection. Feeling her lips teasing his own, he slid his arms around her and returned her kiss fervently, sloppily, joyfully.

…

The rain stops and the sun shines through a break in the clouds. Water continues to drip from my hair down my neck, chilling me, but I don't mind. Cold doesn't bother me. I'm more concerned about my husband. He hides it well, but I can tell he's raising his ki to warm himself. I put my arm around his shoulders and turn to go inside. The storm is over, taking with it the memories of hatred and sadness. I rarely feel either anymore, so I guess I am as happy as I can be without feeling it.

I never mention the fact that I pretend to feel and he never brings it up. I don't know if he even remembers our conversation on the beach. He probably only remembers the kiss. I smile and feel a blush creeping across my face as I think back on it. Neither of us knew what we were doing, but it was the most perfect kiss we ever shared. I stop him before opening the door and lean down, kissing him softly. He responds by cupping my cheek with his hand and kissing back slowly, tenderly. He has never been forceful with me in anything we do. I am lucky to have a man like this. He accepts me as I am, both the human half and the mechanical half. He has shown me since the first day I met him that he cared about all of me, which is why I do everything I can to give him the kind of woman he deserves: one who feels as he feels, responds to his feelings, and shares feelings with him.

Breaking the kiss, I open the door and take his hand, leading him inside. I sneer when I see Roshi and the pig sitting in front of the television watching an aerobics program. Perverts. At least that will keep them occupied for a while. Turning back to Krillin, I run my hand through his wet hair, gesturing with my head toward the stairs, a playful smile on my lips. Looking toward the staircase, a huge grin spreads across his face. I can't imagine what he's feeling, but I pretend I do as I tug his hand, pulling him to go upstairs with me. I'm going to show him the best way I know how that I feel what he feels, even if only in fleeting bursts.

A/N: It's amazing to me how unpopular KrillinxEighteen pairings are... I think they're a fascinating couple. Anyway, there's not going to be "action" in this story. For one thing, it's short and doesn't have time for fight scenes, but more importantly it takes place during the seven years of peace post-Cell.

Beta'd by lilpumpkingirl