Joy and Contentment

Joy (n.) - 1: a. the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing one's desires: delight, b. the expression or exhibition of such emotion; 2. a state of happiness or felicity: bliss; 3: a source or cause of delight.

Contented (adj.) - feeling or showing satisfaction with one's possessions, status, or situation.

I turn my head when I hear his irritated groan behind me. I can't see any part of him other than his hands and his legs as he struggles to carry a towering stack of boxes and shopping bags. I guess he isn't copacetic with the idea of stopping in another store before going home. I admit I have been dragging him around the mall for most of the day. I know he doesn't enjoy shopping and I know we don't have a large budget, but every now and then I really want to get some new clothes for the both of us – mostly me. I huff and tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, crossing my arms over my chest as I walk a little faster.

The sound of my heels clicking on the smooth tile floor is all that leads him since he can't see or sense me ahead of him. It isn't that I don't appreciate his help carrying things and paying the bills, but I do get a bit miffed when he shows a lack of enthusiasm for shopping with me. If I can't show it, he should do it so at least one of us does. I come to a stop in front of the last department store. The mingling scents of a thousand different perfumes wafts out to the mall corridor. I usually like the clothes I find at this store, but Krillin wants to go home with what we already have. We have already charged so much to our credit card I doubt we'll be able to pay off our debt anytime soon. I sigh, tilting my head to the side as I consider whether or not to go inside.

I shift my eyes to the top of the stack of boxes when Krillin comes up alongside me. The top package is teetering on the edge, dangerously close to falling off and possibly taking at least ten more with it. I know it isn't because he isn't capable; it simply means we have already bought too many things for one day. With a half-hearted shrug I spin on my heel, deciding to leave the store behind. I catch his confused expression and smile with an eye-roll before leaning over to kiss his cheek. Apparently understanding my choice, he does an about-face and hurries after me. I'm not looking when I hear a crash as three dozen boxes tumble to the floor. Pausing, I look behind me and frown when I see Krillin sitting in the middle of a pile of packages, some having fallen open and scattered about a ten foot radius around him.

I might have been mad at any other person for dropping all my recent purchases and effectively putting them on display for any passers-by to see, but my husband looks so cute as he blushes and jumps to his feet to begin collecting the boxes that any irritation I may have felt dissipated. There's no reason to be upset, even if my husband is sometimes clumsy.

…

She picked at a piece of lint stuck to the plain wool blanket she was sitting on as she listened to Krillin recounting a humorous story about his first girlfriend, Maron. He told her how he was so infatuated with her that he actually considered asking her to marry him. He laughed, but she didn't think it was funny. Sometimes when she was listening to someone tell a joke or a funny story, she would feel a bit of joy before it was locked away deep inside. Sometimes it even lasted long enough for her to genuinely smile or even chuckle faintly. But not this time. She never met Maron, but she didn't like her, not at all. Maybe if she could feel she would feel jealousy that someone else had attracted Krillin, that he even considered being with another person forever. It didn't matter that he hadn't even met her yet.

With a wistful sigh she pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them, resting her chin on her knees. "Do you regret letting her go?"

"No way!" he exclaimed. "If I hadn't, then I never could have been with you."

There it was, the feeling she lacked all through his story. It was there and gone in a single heartbeat, but it was there. Joy. She wondered if she would feel the sensation described as butterflies in her belly if it could last longer. It didn't really matter. It did last long enough for a real smile to curve her lips up. Unlike so many of her fake smiles, it reached her eyes, though it made little difference as they were still cold and hollow. Even if it was gone as fast as any other emotion, she really liked joy. She wished it could last longer, even if only for a few seconds as opposed to a few milliseconds.

He smiled bashfully as he leaned forward and opened the basket in the middle of the blanket near their feet. A burst of steam rose from it and drifted off in the balmy tropical twilight. Daylight was fading, but their picnic was illuminated by two candles. He thought the flickering light of the flames was enchanting as it danced across her peach skin and shone on her golden hair and ice-blue eyes.

She thought it was quaint that he suggested they have a picnic on the beach of an island several miles from Roshi's island on the evening of their six month anniversary. The anniversary was arbitrary since he never officially asked her to be his girlfriend, but they assumed the day she agreed to come stay at Kame House was the day they started dating. Six months had passed. Six wonderful months, full of bliss for him and almost missed flashes of joy for her.

Nudging the wine cooler with her toe, she quirked an eyebrow to tell him she wanted some. The ice rattled inside against the glass bottle. With a grin he pulled the wine bottle out and opened it, then poured some into the two wine glasses, handing one to her. She sipped it slowly, swirling the smooth, bittersweet drink in her mouth before swallowing. It was actually the first time she had had alcohol and she was wondering what effect it would have on her. While she drank her wine, Krillin grabbed two plates and started serving their dinner: roast beef with horseradish sauce, French bread, steamed vegetables, and a bunch of grapes.

She set her glass of wine to her side and took her plate. She didn't know when he learned to cook food like this, but it was delicious and savory. Maybe he had borrowed a recipe from Goku's wife. It didn't really matter to her. Food was not one of her basic necessities, but she liked it anyway, and she had to admit their little picnic was romantic. She ate slowly, meticulously savoring each flavor and the faint, pleasant burning sensation on her palate. When he asked if she wanted to have a picnic, she never would have guessed he would put so much effort into perfecting the atmosphere and the menu. She was grateful he did, though.

When they finished the main course, Krillin pulled two slices of apple pie out of the basket and gave one to her. The crust was a little burnt around the outer edge, but that only made his efforts more endearing to her. With a mumbled thanks, she took the pie and started eating it. It was slightly tart, but still tasty.

"It's good," she told him.

He looked up from his own slice of pie and almost looked relieved when he heard her compliment. Smiling, his cheeks flushed. "Thanks. I've never baked before…"

"You didn't have to."

His blush deepened. "Yeah, but I wanted to make it special for you. I know you like apple pie, and well…"

She found herself smiling again as she finished the last bite of her pie. For a moment she felt joy surging through her, making her heart pound in her chest. He did it for her. It flattered her that he would try so hard to please her, that he would work so hard to plan a romantic evening for them simply to commemorate six months of being a couple. Without emotion she couldn't really understand the sentimentality of it, but she wasn't going to complain. She liked being alone with Krillin, far from the other residents of Roshi's island. It was nice to be able to talk to him without being interrupted by someone else joining the conversation uninvited.

She put her dirty plate back in the basket and finished her wine while Krillin tidied up. She liked the warm sensation as the wine flowed to her stomach. After her first glass, she wasn't feeling strange in any way. She didn't think she was losing control of her mental capacities or losing inhibitions. Was it possible for an android to get drunk? Or at least tipsy? She shrugged her questions off and smiled brightly when Krillin sat back, bracing himself on his arms as he looked up at the indigo sky studded with stars.

As often as it was having to be suppressed, she knew she should be feeling utter joy on this date. Swiftly, in one smooth motion she sat on his lap and kissed him gently. "Thank you."

He grinned as he leaned forward, wrapping his arms around her waist. "For what?"

"Everything you've done for me." She smiled, then kissed him again. This time her lips lingered on his, allowing him to deepen the kiss. When they broke apart she smoothed his hair back affectionately. Was this what it was like to be happy?

It took him a few moments to gather his wits after their kiss. Then he shoved his hand in his pocket and hastily pulled something out, something small enough that it was completely enclosed in his hand. "I – uh, well – I wanted to ask you something."

"What is it?" Her interest was piqued. Obviously he had something for her and she liked receiving gifts. This one had to be particularly meaningful because he was clearly agitated, nervous. His hands trembled and he was having great difficulty forming coherent words.

"I – I know we've only, uh, been dating f-for six months, but… you see, well…" He paused, taking a deep, calming breath. "I hope – hope it's not t-too soon, but, would – would you marry me?" he finally blurted, opening the small box held in his hand to reveal a diamond ring.

Joy flooded through her in persistent waves, and for almost a whole minute she felt it. There were butterflies in her stomach as she held out her hand, allowing him to slip the gold ring onto her finger. The emotion was too much for the inhibitor to keep it in check until the initial strength wore off. Then she was dead inside, but she knew how she should behave based on the emotion that she should still be feeling.

"Yes," she whispered breathlessly. She admired the ring shining in the candlelight for a moment before throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly, not entirely fake tears of joy welling up in her eyes. She was no romantic, but she knew this was a pivotal moment in her life. The man, the one person in the whole world who could make her feel, asked her to marry him. How could she refuse? How could she deny the vivacity of joy before it was snuffed out? It was unlike anything she had ever felt before.

Unfortunately, though, the joy was eventually dulled to a point where she could no longer feel it. She was left empty inside as always, nothing but the memory of the feeling lingering. Still, she did not let her smile falter. She kissed his face all over and held her hand up to see her ring, as if making sure it was still there, that she wasn't dreaming. She laughed, expressing the emotion she wanted to feel again. The sound of her laughter wasn't so forced this time, as if it was rooted in the happiness buried deep within. Perhaps it was still there and she simply couldn't feel it. Perhaps the inhibitor didn't stop the chemicals in her organic brain from telling her body that it was overjoyed, that she had reason to laugh. That, or it was caused by a different sort of happiness she hadn't considered before. She decided not to think about it too much. It was not the time for introspection.

"I love you," he told her when she finally calmed down.

She felt it again, swelling inside before it was squelched. "I know."

He wasn't offended that she didn't return the sentiment. She never had before, and he didn't expect her to. She didn't need to say she loved him. Even if she didn't feel love as he did, she still obviously wanted to be with him or she wouldn't have agreed to marry him.

Deciding it was appropriate timing for the faked euphoria to wear off, she pushed him down on the ground and lay next to him with her head resting on his chest. She closed her eyes, losing herself to the pleasant sensation of his fingers running through her hair and the steady rhythm of his heart beating. After a few minutes of resting peacefully with him, she felt something again, something similar to the ecstasy she recently experienced but different, deeper. It was more complete and didn't fade as the emotion-inhibitor was unable to block it from her conscious awareness. Like the wine it seemed to warm her from the inside, spreading through her and bringing a smile to her lips. A small giggle bubbled up and escaped, its soft sound drifting through the air.

His hand stilled. "What's funny?"

"Nothing," she said. "I feel…good."

She couldn't quite explain the feeling. All she knew was that she liked it, that it filled her to overflowing and it didn't leave her. If anything it continued to grow. Similar to joy, but it wasn't joy. It wasn't a simple emotion, it was another of those feelings she couldn't describe. Deeper than emotion though it was rooted in emotion. More of a choice, a gut feeling, something. Whatever it was, the emotion-inhibitor couldn't touch it. She was free to feel, and this was a feeling she wouldn't mind experiencing every moment of every day for the rest of her life.

"Why did you tell me about Maron?" she asked. To her, it didn't seem like an appropriate story to relate right before asking another woman to marry him. She was wondering why, of all times, he brought it up on their six month anniversary, the night he proposed to her.

He shrugged, knowing she would feel the movement if she didn't see it. "I wanted you to know that I didn't propose to her because deep down I knew it wasn't right. She wasn't the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was different when I decided to ask you to marry me. I knew it was right. I could feel it. I might have loved her, but it wasn't a love that would last. I know I'll love you forever."

Joy, soon overcome by the other pleasant feeling that couldn't be extinguished. They didn't say much else for the rest of the night; there was no need. She was enveloped by a new feeling that was sort of a combination of other feelings she had in the past: gratitude and security. But it was more than that, much more. Something entirely its own, something wonderful. Sighing, she closed her eyes and fell asleep in his arms.

It didn't take long for them to plan their wedding. There was no need for a big ceremony considering neither of them had family and their circle of friends was rather small. Only two months after getting engaged they were wed on the beach of Roshi's island. She wore a simple white dress that fell just below her knees and he wore a plain black suit. The ceremony was short and sweet, and afterward they had a small party in Kame House with punch and cake. Nothing big, nothing extravagant.

Despite her vanity, she didn't mind not having an expensive wedding gown, her hair styled beautifully, or even new shoes. She didn't mind that they weren't going to go on an exciting honeymoon or that her wedding ring was bought at a pawn shop. No, her focus was set primarily on Krillin through the whole day. He wasn't the most handsome man on the planet, certainly not the richest, and he was considerably shorter than her. He cracked bad jokes, he lived with a pervert in a pink shack, and he was unlikely to ever hold a high-paying job. But even so, she felt joy multiple times on their wedding day and played it well after it disappeared. She didn't miss it when it was gone, though, because she had another feeling that was more persistent, that couldn't be taken away from her.

It was the same feeling that arose the night Krillin asked her to marry him, the same feeling that continued for the days and weeks between, and flourished on her wedding day. A happiness of sorts, something she finally realized was contentment. She was satisfied with her life and the direction it had taken. She was content to have few material items, little money, and a home shared with an old pervert so long as she was with Krillin. As an android, she had few needs. What needs she did have were met, so really she was living in great abundance. Yes, she enjoyed having lots of new, fashionable clothes, she liked having nice things, but none of that was too important to her. If she wanted, she could take, but she found she didn't want.

He could never provide her with wealth and prestige, could never buy her a giant mansion and a new wardrobe every week. He could never buy her all the jewelry she fancied or all the shoes she thought were cute. There was no fame or fortune in her future, and she didn't care. She didn't want any of it, didn't need it. Why would she?

With her beauty, intelligence, and physical abilities, she probably could have slipped into a so-called better life. She could have married a tall man who held a steady job and brought home lots of money. She could have lived in a beautiful home in a city suburb, close to all the shopping malls she could visit every day of her life, maxing out a handful of credit cards with no worries of being able to pay the bills. If she wanted, she could have gotten herself a good job and earned her own money. She could have pampered herself with weekly manicures and pedicures, massages, and daring haircuts. But she didn't. And she didn't regret her decision to marry Krillin for even an instant.

It was on her wedding day, after all the guests had gone home, that she realized the depth of her feeling of contentment. She imagined herself in another life, tried to imagine what she would feel if she had another life. But instead of the warm feeling that filled her, she felt only cold emptiness. She would have always been striving for more material possessions, a higher status in society. It would be so tedious. The mere thought of such a life revolted her, so when she broke free from her thoughts she was overwhelmed anew with the satisfaction and knowledge that she had made the right choice. That was why she felt so content with her lot in life. It wasn't because she had settled for "good enough" when she could have had it so much better; it was because she chose the best option life could offer her.

She didn't think she could have ever felt anything if she were with anyone else. There was just something about Krillin. Even before she really knew him, he still made her feel. In many respects she didn't care to return to what she was before Dr. Gero turned her into an android. She didn't know what she was missing, and it was hard to want something she didn't know. Her memories were lost, but she couldn't miss them because she didn't know what they were. She didn't mind that her physical prowess was enhanced, that she was extremely powerful, agile, and swift. But she had spent quite a while wishing she could have her emotions back as more than passing waves.

That was before she found contentment, before the epiphany of her wedding night. She lay in bed, her arms and legs tangled with her husband's, her sweaty body held close to his. His breathing was slow and steady as he slept, a smile still on his face. This man could make her feel physical sensations, yes, but more importantly, real feelings that ran deeper than emotions. She didn't need him or anyone else to make her experience emotions. Anger, fear, sadness, joy. They were frivolous, there and gone. Even in humans without emotion-inhibiting devices implanted in their brains didn't dwell on emotions for long. Maybe longer than half a second, but sometimes not by much. So was she really so different from them? Was she as unnatural as she thought? Emotions were superficial, frivolous.

The feelings that mattered were the feelings that stayed, the feelings that weren't subject to life circumstances or extraneous stimuli such as a car breaking down, an ocean wave flooding the house, or facing an aggressive shark. Humans were quick to label the real feelings as emotions as well, not realizing the difference. A person can be angry but choose not to hate, can be sad but choose to be content. Real feelings have emotional bases, but they are not determined solely by the emotion. They are partially based in reason, choices, decisions. They are not whimsical, affected or changed by external forces.

And she chose to be content. To not care that she would probably be poor for her entire life, to not mind that she would likely be stuck living in Kame House forever. She chose to be content with what she had, knowing that Krillin would always provide for her. She was grateful for the security she brought him that gave her the peace of mind to allow herself to feel content. She wasn't happy because happiness is fleeting. Happiness was something she still didn't quite understand or care to have. She had what she needed and that was enough.

Smiling, she kissed her new husband's cheek and rested her head on his shoulder, fitting perfectly into the crook of his neck. She put her arms around him and let his slow breathing and strong heartbeat lull her to sleep. She would wake up the next day a married woman, ready to begin her new life as Krillin's wife. There was nothing else she could ask for. She wanted to be with him, wanted to stay with him. And she would. She wanted him to be with her, wanted him to stay with her. And he would. Forever.

…

I watch as he opens the side door of the plane and starts hauling the packages from our shopping trip out, dropping a few in the sand. With arms loaded, he goes to the front door and somehow manages to get it open, then disappears inside. I should help him. Instead, I lean against the plane and smile as I turn my face to the sky and close my eyes. A salty sea breeze rustles my hair and I tuck it back behind my ear.

Our married life hasn't been perfect. It isn't a fairy tale with a happily ever after. I never expected it to be. I wouldn't want it to be. It is through the trials of marriage that our relationship grows. When we are the lowest of lows I can still feel because I choose to be content despite our misery. Poverty can't take that away from me. It can't make me feel sadness or anger; even if the emotion-inhibitor wasn't in my brain, I would still choose to ignore such feelings and instead give myself over to the depths of contentment that I have surrounded myself in since becoming engaged to Krillin.

I open my eyes when I hear the door open and Krillin walks back to the plane to unload the rest of the boxes. He mutters something to himself and sighs, no doubt unhappy about the amount of purchases I made today. Does he think I am ungrateful, that I am not content with what I have? I hope he doesn't. In my defense, it has been a full year since we last went shopping. I waited until many of our clothes were threadbare – not to mention out of style – before dragging him to the mall to replace them. And it will probably be another year before we go and buy more. I like new things. I like having nice clothes, I like being in fashion. I like having pretty jewelry, a wide collection of shoes, and other accessories we can't afford. But I don't mind not having them because the desire to have them pales in comparison to the desire to be content with my husband.

It isn't always easy to be satisfied with what I have. There are many days when I have to remind myself more than once that I don't need anything I don't have, that anything I want is trivial and unnecessary. When the pervert offends me I have to make a conscious effort to stay content living on the island with him when it would be so much easier to hate him and try to convince Krillin to move somewhere else, somewhere more private. Other things bother me and make me want to give up on being content to try and make my life better. But that's ridiculous. How could it be better? I'm with Krillin, and that is enough for me.

I see the box on the top of the stack he is carrying into the house sliding off and walk over to Krillin as he struggles to get in the door. I catch the package as it falls and follow my husband inside and upstairs to our bedroom. He wipes his brow after setting them down on the floor next to the bed, tired from the long day of shopping and the balancing act of carrying a towering stack of boxes around. I don't mind that he doesn't have the energy to help me put away all our new clothes. He's already been a tremendous help to me, so I can take care of it without any trouble.

It isn't a perfect life, but it's my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I smile as he sits on the edge of the bed and watches me unfold the clothes and hang them up in the closet. He is so good to me that if I ever find myself wanting what I don't have I feel something like shame. It goes quickly after surfacing, so I can't be sure. Either way, I know that I have all I need and I could never find greater satisfaction anywhere else, with anyone else, or because of something else.

A/N: I rather like this chapter... It's funny that some of you think it's hard to relate to Eighteen's lack of emotions. I actually started writing this because I felt like I was faking emotions all the time like she does. Anyway, there's one more chapter. Told you it would be a short story. Review!

Beta'd by lilpumpkingirl