Jackson can't sleep. There's too much going on in his head and he's not even tired anyways. The shame is worse than it's ever been. He wants to curl up and die. Why does he have to do this? Why does he need this? Stifling a groan he sits up. He needs to get home. Not to mention he's fairly sure he never wants to see Derek again. Thinking over it he is sure. He never wants to see him again. After everything. After all of this. God Jackson just shouldn't even have wanted it and giving in was another thing entirely. He needs to get out of here. Groaning softly as he bends down his fingertips graze his boxers and he pulls them up. Taking a deep breath Jackson lets himself sit still for a moment. He shakes them out and lifts his right leg, sliding them on, before repeating the action with his left. The fabric is still slightly damp and it only makes him cringe. The good news is that his back is throbbing at a level of pain that he can actually handle. It's pretty much as bad as when McCall separated his shoulder. He can handle it. And even if he couldn't…he'd wanted it so. He'd have to deal with it. This thought fresh on his brain Jackson stands and gathers his jeans. He's managed to pull them up, and is about to snap them when Derek's voice cuts him off.
"What do you think you're doing?" Instead of jerking to look up like he wants to, Jackson shrinks back onto himself. This is horrible. Derek would be able to move silently.
"I was g-going to go h-home." Jackson still doesn't look up, his cheeks flushing in what could be embarrassment but he's fairly sure is really humiliation so acute he's about to die.
"Didn't I say I'd be back?" Derek demands. Jackson doesn't say anything, nodding jerkily in response. His hands clutch at the denim of his still open jeans. "Get back in bed Jackson." Jackson sneaks a tiny glance at him, enough to see the crumpled pharmacy bag in his hand, before doing as he was told.
Barely a moment passes between Jackson getting in and the bed dipping as Derek joins him. The paper bag rips and several things fall onto the bed. Jackson's fairly sure it's going to hurt no matter what so he buries his head in his arm and closes his eyes. Waiting is agony. Jackson begins to wonder how he ever liked pain in the first place. Derek is quiet. Perfectly quiet. Jackson can feel him moving more than he can hear it. At the first touch he jumps. Derek lets out a quiet 'shh' as his fingertips slide across Jackson's skin, smoothing something slick and cold. "Talk to me," Derek says quietly, surprising Jackson again.
"About what?" Jackson questions the space between his lips and his arm, admittedly there isn't much.
"Anything," Derek answers, hands moving lower. "What's your family like?"
"Don't know," he pauses to hiss out a gasp, "I was adopted."
"So that's why you're so-"
"Damaged?" Jackson supplies, grimacing.
"I was going to say insecure. You don't know what damaged is Jackson."
"Pain gets me off. Seems pretty damaged to me."
"You like pain because it makes you feel strong. You like it because you tell yourself that if you can handle it then you're in control. You take what your body is telling you and twist it."
"You say that like it's normal." Jackson almost can't believe they're having this conversation. It's an alien concept. But they already have so many secrets spilled between them, physical secrets that no one else knows. It's easier to talk in the dark, with someone who's already seen the very core of you. "It's not normal," he adds as an afterthought, wondering if Derek is right. There's a pause in the conversation and Derek works in silence, Jackson waits.
"I've never been one for normal."
Silence falls between them and Jackson focuses on breathing in and out as Derek soothes his abused skin. "Why do you like pain so much?" Derek demands quietly as he stands. Jackson thought about shrugging briefly.
"Don't know."
"Too bad I'm not a therapist," Derek murmurs, settling back into bed on the other side of him. Jackson chuckled, somehow.
"If you were my therapist I'd really be in deep."
"We both would kid." Derek shoots a quick glance to him, one eyebrow spiked. Jackson chuckles again, tucking his face back into his arm. Just when he thought his life couldn't get any weirder.
"What happens now?" Jackson questions, peeking at Derek through the tiny triangle of light his elbow provides.
"Probably a good question. I didn't have anything specific planned."
"Really?" Jackson's surprised. "You've been…in control the whole time…" He lets his voice drift off, face heating.
"This was only supposed to be a onetime thing." Jackson isn't sure what to say so he closes his eyes and doesn't say anything at all. "You weren't what I expected," Derek adds softly.
"In a good way?" Jackson demands, tone laced with shock.
"I don't waste my time Jackson."
"Well…but…" Jackson chews on his lip to stop himself. Derek shifts slightly and when Jackson looks at him again Derek is leaning closer to him.
"But what?"
"The belt," Jackson manages weakly, "and…I'm me." Derek's expression flickers and after he settles it he rolls onto his back and exhales quickly.
"No one has ever seen you like this, have they?"
"Maybe one," Jackson admits after a moment.
"So why am I?"
"You don't like lying."
"No," Derek sighs, "no I don't. Lies are complications. They're always complications."
"But you like hurting me," Jackson argues, his tone sliding towards petulant.
"I like distracting myself." Jackson let the silence settle. He didn't know where this conversation was going. He didn't know where anything was going lately. His head was practically spinning. "You should rest," Derek murmurs. The room is quiet for a long time. Jackson's mind has slowed but one thing keeps bothering him.
"Why do you need to distract yourself?" he whispers. Derek doesn't even twitch and for a moment Jackson thinks he's fallen asleep.
"That's a story I'm not ready to tell." Jackson knew better than to press him.
Derek is awake before him in the morning. Jackson is still embarrassed and confused so he stays silent as he sits up. Derek watches him closely, eyes narrowing when a whimper escapes Jackson's lips.
"I'll be fine," he says.
"You can borrow a shirt," Derek offers. Jackson's not feeling a walk of shame so he nods. He gets out of bed slowly and meets Derek by the dresser. Derek offers him a black shirt and Jackson realizes he shouldn't have been surprised. He can't help a groan as he tries to put it on and Derek's hands are suddenly helping him. He smoothes it over Jackson's chest, hands resting there longer than necessary. "Okay?" Jackson nods slowly. "Yeah?" Derek questions, stepping closer. Jackson nods again, breath hitching. Derek's fingertips catch Jackson's chin and he turns his face both ways slowly, as if examining him. Jackson flushes under the inspection, familiar doubt and shame creeping in. When Derek's lips catch his Jackson actually, insanely can't breathe. Not in or out. Nothing. It's not the best kiss Jackson has ever had because he doesn't respond. Still…it's debatable because he can't respond. He's frozen. Derek definitely looks amused when he pulls back. "Good," he allows, a tiny smile curving his lips.
"I should get to school," Jackson says, stumbling over the words as he wonders how he could think of school at a time like this. Derek walks to the door with him. He grips Jackson's elbow for a moment when he pulls it open. Derek doesn't meet his eyes, examining the floor.
"I haven't cared about anything in a long time."
"I've never let myself care about anything," Jackson returns. He hasn't. Not really. He's wanted things. He's accomplished things. This is different. There was something so raw about Derek right from the start. And Jackson had returned it. There were no lies between them. They didn't have to fake it. They just were. "School," Jackson says suddenly, reminding himself. Derek smirks.
"Good boy." Jackson grimaces at him. "I'll be here if you feel like coming back," Derek says, still smirking. It's amazing what it does to clear Jackson's expression.
"That sounds like an offer."
"Maybe physical therapy is my calling."
A/N: There will be a short, lemony epilogue. I feel kinda bad that this went down a sensitive trail… But I also wanted some sort of story to happen so I guess it's okay.
Hope you liked.