Thank you Lil Miss Golden Eyes - my fantabulous Beta

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Between love, between hate
Shake this silence back but it's too late
And it haunts you, and it haunts you
It's a love-hate heartbreak

I pulled into the driveway of Jake's tiny one story house and laid on the horn obnoxiously. I had no desire to leave my seated position. My left leg was bobbing up and down in aggravation. I saw the curtain covering the front window briefly part and then flutter close. A second later, Jake appeared on the front porch. He cocked his head questioningly as he descended the porch stairs and made his way over to my window. I slammed my hand down on the switch, rolling it down.

"Get in," I ordered. It had taken me fifteen minutes to drive to La Push; just enough time for my anger to reach its peak. Jake's eyes widened as they traveled from my face to my bouncing knee and back up again. He shook his head as he walked around to the passenger side and climbed in.

"That bad huh?" he asked, eyeing my leg once again. I gave an unflattering snort in response and shifted the Jeep in reverse, throwing up mud as I tore out of the driveway and back onto the highway.

"He tried to fucking ground me! I can't believe that shit. I am eighteen years old. He can't fucking ground me. Not only that…but just who does he think he is? Just because we share the same DNA doesn't mean he has a right to suddenly parent. Not when he spent the last eighteen years being a two week a year father!" I shouted.

If anyone knew how I operated…it was Jake. He nodded silently and looked out the window, allowing me a few minutes to calm down. When my leg had stopped its frantic movement, he took it at a sign it was safe to resume talking.

"So where are we going?" he asked quietly, looking at me out of the corner of his eye.

"To Port Angeles."

"For…" He waved his hand for me to continue.

"We're going to buy a motorcycle," I huffed.

"Christ, Bella. Seriously? All this because Charlie tried to ground you? I mean, I know you can be vindictive…and easily angered…but this…this is excessive. Even for you."

"Jake…," I warned.

"Do you even have any idea how much a bike costs?"

"Money is not an issue, Jake," I said with finality, desperately hoping he would drop the subject. He didn't. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him turn his body to and study my profile. I grimaced as I waited for the inevitable.

"This isn't about Charlie, or him trying to ground you, is it?" he questioned. I had hoped my lying skills had improved…at least where Jake was concerned. I could lie with the best of them and had a killer poker face - I had lost track of how many underground poker games I had won back in Phoenix - but Jake could always see past the bullshit and tell when it was a bluff.

I exhaled deeply and reached for my cigarettes in the door pocket. I lit it and took a deep drag before answering him.

"No. It's not entirely about Charlie okay. I had a motorcycle in Phoenix and when I climbed on the back of yours today it reminded me so much of home…of my mother…and I felt free. Free of the numbness, free of the pain. I just want to feel like that as much as possible," I confessed, staring straight ahead so Jake couldn't see the tears threatening to spill over.

"Damn, Bella," he whispered, rubbing one hand over his face. "Fine…I'll help you. But…if Charlie asks, I had nothing to do with this. I don't need shit from Billy, OK? I'm surprised Charlie didn't call him and scream when he saw us on mine."

"Yeah, I talked him out of that one. You're welcome." I shot him a sarcastic smile and he laughed.

The rest of the trip to Port Angeles was spent in comfortable silence, except for the music vibrating from the speakers. When we reached the city, I drove down the main strip until I found a Yamaha dealer. I pulled in and parked, allowing Jake to lead the way. This was his comfort zone.

An hour later I walked out the proud new owner of a deep blue FZ6 and I was in love.

I threw Jake the keys to the Jeep as I gracefully mounted my new toy. Slipping on the new matching helmet I had purchased, I smiled brilliantly. Here it is…freedom, I thought. Without hesitation, I started the bike and pulled out behind Jake. My body maneuvered the bike without having to consciously think about it. I guess the old adage 'just like riding a bike' worked for Motorcycles too.

We made it back to Forks in under an hour. Jake parked the Jeep next to Charlie's cruiser while I parked the bike at the top of the driveway. I placed my helmet on the seat and walked down to Jake as he slowly got out of the Jeep.

"So yeah….good luck," he said, tossing me the keys.

"Wait. Don't you need me to drive you home?" I asked, twirling the keys around my finger.

"Nope. I'm good." He closed the distance between us and wrapped me in his arms. "See you soon, Bells." He kissed the top of my head and began walking down the driveway.

"Jake!" I called. He didn't turn around; instead he waved one hand in the air and continued walking. I watched his retreating figure until he disappeared into the darkness before I turned around and walked back towards the house, grabbing my helmet off the bike seat on the way. I climbed the stairs silently, praying that Charlie was already in bed. Of course I wouldn't be that lucky. As soon as I opened the front door, I could hear a baseball game playing on the TV.

"Bella?" Charlie called out.

"Who else would be coming through the front door this late, Dad?" I followed the sound of his voice and leaned against the doorway of the living room.

"Smartass," he muttered, muting the TV and turning to look in my direction. His eyes dropped to the helmet I had cradled under my right arm and he exhaled sharply. "You bought the bike didn't you?"

"Yes, but I got a helmet. Does that make you feel better?" I asked, giving him a big cheesy grin and waving the helmet back and forth. He didn't answer. Instead he narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips.

"Look, Dad," I started, crossing the room to sit across from him. "This isn't about this afternoon as much as it's about feeling closer to Mom." Charlie opened his mouth to interrupt, but I cut him off. "I know that sounds idiotic, but I had a bike back home in Phoenix. Mom bought it for me for my sixteenth birthday. It was more practical than a car, especially in a city. I had it for about a year before it was stolen. Mom was going to buy me a new one, but she died before she could. When I was on Jake's today, it reminded me so much of home and of Mom. I'm sorry it upsets you, but it's just something I had to do." I looked at Charlie, hoping he would understand.

Charlie was silent a few moments before his face softened. "I get it, Bells. I do. No, I don't like it and it makes me nervous, but…just promise me you will always wear a helmet. Can you promise me that much?"

"I promise, Dad. Helmet…always." I smiled at him and stood up, kissing the top of his head before turning and heading up the stairs to my room. I quickly undressed and looked down at the jagged pink scar that ran the length of my left side, from my ribcage to my hip. Guilt slowly crept over me as I thought about the lie I had just told my father. The bike was never stolen, I had crashed it. I had been driving too fast and too reckless on wet roads. Thankfully I walked away with only a broken wrist, a few bruises, a scar and some wicked road rash.

I pushed the memory aside as I pulled on my tank top and shorts and decided that what Charlie didn't know, wouldn't hurt him. I had learned my lesson that day and I was determined not to make the same mistake twice.

--

Charlie got up early Sunday and headed to La Push for yet more male bonding with Billy. I decided to spend the morning doing homework and catch up on some reading. In the early afternoon, I took advantage of the sunny weather and headed outside to wash the Jeep. Just as I was finishing, I caught a glimpse of a silver car passing and instantly my thoughts traveled to Edward. I tried to push them away; he shouldn't even matter to me. But the harder I tried, the more I thought of him.

I couldn't remember a single person being able to invoke such strong emotions from me the way he could; all without ever speaking a word to me. My irritation towards him grew every moment I was in his presence and was now bordering on hate, yet sometimes I would think of him longingly. I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much that he didn't like me. He wasn't the first person to have ill feelings towards me, far from it. I'd been in situations where someone had aggressively pointed out everything they hated about me and rubbed it in. It had never bothered me before. At times I had even found it humorous. But for some reason, I couldn't help regretting whatever I had done to make Edward dislike me. I hated that he was drawing these feelings out of me and couldn't help but be a little hurt that he didn't seem to share them.

I squeezed my eyes shut, took a deep breath and forced Edward Cullen out of my head. I refused to spend another second contemplating my love/hate relationship with him…or lack thereof. I finished up outside and headed back in the house to start dinner before Charlie came home.

--

Monday morning I awoke before my alarm sounded and hopped out of bed, tripping my way to the window. It wasn't sunny, but it was dry; a perfect day to ride the bike. I showered quickly and grabbed a cup of coffee while I mulled over what to wear. By my third cup I had decided on a pair of black boot cut jeans, a burgundy, tight fitting sweater and black boots. I left my hair down, since a ponytail wouldn't exactly fit under my helmet, applied my makeup and grabbed my leather jacket.

The ride to school was quick and refreshing. It reminded me again of why I felt the need to buy the bike in the first place; to curb the numbness. I parked in the same spot I normally parked the Jeep and dismounted. Pulling off my helmet, I leaned forward and shook my hair loose. When I stood back up, I noticed every head in the parking lot turned in my direction. One side of my mouth curved up in a small smile.

Next to me, leaning against the Volvo, stood Alice, Jasper and Edward. Alice and Jasper were smiling, but Edward's face was twisted in a scowl. His eyes locked onto mine and I felt the small smile that I had had only moments ago slowly fade. A thick sadness fell over me, my heart and body begging to reach out to him and touch him, hold him, ease whatever it was that was causing his anguish. Thankfully my mind hated the fact that the sight of him distressed tugged at my heart and stopped me from taking that step forward.

"Hi, Bella," Alice sang, extending up on her toes until she was eye level with me, effectively blocking my view of Edward.

"Hey, Alice," I said, fixing my eyes on her and smiled softly. The sadness that had been so heavily present only a few short seconds ago suddenly evaporated. I found myself envying the fact that she was always in high spirits, yet it was almost impossible to feel anything other than happiness when I was around her.

"A motorcycle huh? That's awesome. Maybe you could take me for a ride after school?" she asked.

"Umm..sure. I don't have an extra helmet though."

"That's ok. I don't need one. I'm tough," she answered, flexing both her arms and showing off her tiny muscles.

I snorted. "If you say so."

My morning classes and lunch passed by in a blur. Normally I would have been thankful, but it meant that Biology had approached that much quicker and my traitorous thoughts over the weekend and this morning had made me anxious to see Edward. Jasper seemed to sense my mood on our walk to second period and began peppering me with questions about my apparently obvious anxiety. I quickly deflected his questions by asking him about his life before the Cullens. He seemed to have gotten the point and gave up his little inquisition.

I walked the hall from the cafeteria to the Biology lab slowly, my palms sweating and my heart racing. I imagined this is what a death row inmate must feel like walking the long corridor toward an execution chamber.

I stopped outside the Biology door and took a deep breath, steeling my nerves. Squaring my shoulders I opened the door and headed into the classroom, noticing that Edward was already sitting at the table as I made my way to my seat. I focused my eyes on the blackboard in the front of the room, pleading with myself not to look at him. My emotions were bouncing back and forth like a jacked up tennis match; love, hate, love, hate. I couldn't decide which I felt more strongly and it was driving me insane. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward shift on his stool and lean towards me.

"A motorcycle, Bella? Don't you think that's a bit precarious?" he whispered.

I snapped my head towards him and narrowed my eyes.

"No, I don't. But what I do think is that it's none of your goddamn fucking business," I spat.

"You're right. It isn't."

"So then why do you care?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "I don't really. I just think it's a bit shallow of you to ride in here, filling the male population's minds with dirty fantasies."

"And how the hell do you know their minds are filled with 'dirty fantasies'?" I questioned. A small smirk tugged at his lips.

"Hey, Newton," he called over my shoulder.

"What are you doing?" I hissed through my teeth.

"Yeah?" I heard Mike answer cautiously, his voice squeaking a little. Obviously he wasn't accustomed to Edward speaking to him.

"What did you think of Bella and her new toy?" Edward asked sweetly. I looked over my shoulder at Mike.

He looked down at his desk as his face flushed crimson red. "It was fucking hot," he answered hesitantly.

I heard a noise that sounded like a hiss from Edwards's direction. I spun my head back around to look at him, but his expression was calm.

"See," Edward said smugly.

"None of your fucking business, remember?" He didn't answer. Instead he shrugged his shoulders, leaned back over to his side of the table and began idly doodling on his notebook. I stared at him for a few moments before returning my attention to the front of the classroom. Hate is definitely the dominating emotion of today.

Alice and I walked out to the parking lot after gym and headed over to the bike. Edward was standing, arms crossed, directly in front of it. As we neared closer, his face hardened. I sidestepped around him and smiled sweetly, pulled my helmet on and mounted. Alice followed, wrapping her tiny arms around my waist.

"This is stupid…and dangerous," Edward said, placing his hands over mine on the handle bars and locking his golden eyes on mine. A jolt of electricity shot up my arms and my heart began pounding in my chest. I ignored it, and him, and twisted around to face Alice.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Um…your house? We could hang out a little. If that's ok," she answered, leaning her chin on my shoulder.

I smiled and started the bike. Giving Edward one last glance, I reversed and guided the bike out of the parking lot. I tore off towards my house, favoring the back roads over the main ones. After a half hour detour, we pulled into Charlie's driveway and headed inside. Alice followed me upstairs to my bedroom and flopped down on the bed. I threw my helmet and bag on the rocking chair and peeled off the leather jacket. Stepping out of my boots, I crossed the room to the closet, pulling off my sweater as I walked. I dug through the shelves of the closet until I found a plain, cotton, v-neck t-shirt.

"Hey, I've been meaning to tell you how much I love your ink. How many do you have?" Alice casually asked, flipping through an old issue of Cosmo.

"Umm…four," I mumbled as I pulled the t-shirt over my head and turned to join her on the bed.

"I really like this one," she said as she sat up and reached for my hand. As she wrapped her tiny fingers around my wrist, pulling towards her, my arm jerked involuntarily at the frigid temperature of her skin, breaking her grasp around my wrist.

"Shit, sorry. I wasn't expecting you to be so cold." I gave her an apologetic smile and placed my wrist back in her waiting hand. "It's an Ankh," I informed her.

She pursed her lips and nodded slowly. "The symbol for eternal life," she whispered, gently tracing the marked skin with her thumb. "Very fitting." She smiled up at me and released my hand.

"Eh, I guess," I stated, shrugging my shoulders. "It's a nice concept at least; eternal life. Imagine all the places you could see, all the things you could do…My mom believed in it you know," I whispered, vainly trying to hold back threatening tears. "Ugh, I'm sorry. I can't help it…talking about my mom…," I choked out, wiping away the tears that had begun to roll down my cheeks.

"What happened to her?" Alice asked softly. I took a moment to compose myself. No one knew the full story except Charlie. Not even Jake. Yet, other than the pain of relaying the story, I had no reservations about telling Alice. In the short span of time I had known her, I had come to think of her as my best friend.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "She was killed. Her and Phil…her husband…but no one knows why or how. They found their car abandoned on the side of a highway in Florida. They had been out there looking at houses. Phil was a baseball player and he had just been signed to a team there…so they were planning on moving. Anyway, after the police found the car, they did a canvas of the area. They found them at the bottom of an embankment…mutilated beyond recognition. The cops did a full investigation, but came up empty." I bit my bottom lip and exhaled sharply.

Alice shifted onto her knees and leaned over, wrapping her tiny arms around my neck. "I bet she was amazing…just like you," she whispered.

"She was," I agreed, smiling sadly. We sat like that for a few moments, holding on to each other as my tears dried up. I let go of Alice and leaned back on my elbows. Alice resumed her position on the bed, lying on her stomach with her head in her hands and her legs crossed, swinging wildly in the air.

"Like I was saying…my mother truly believed in eternal life. She would go on and on for hours about it. How I was destined to do great things and live forever…," I trailed off, rolling my eyes. "You should have seen her face when I came home with it," I continued, laughing. "She didn't know whether to be flattered or pissed!"

Alice's bell like laughter filled the room as she suddenly jumped off the bed. "Ok, enough with this sad talk…show me your wardrobe," she commanded.

"Um…what?" I asked, raising one eyebrow at her.

"You heard me missy, you…wardrobe…now." She placed her hands on her tiny waist and looked at me expectantly.

"Seriously?" I asked. Alice nodded, her expression serious. The sight of my tiny best friend attempting to look intimidating amused me, yet I got the feeling that she wouldn't take no for an answer. "Ok, if you say so."

Alice and I spent the next few hours going through my clothes, throwing "out-dated" items, as Alice liked to call them, and planning a shopping trip. Eventually Jasper picked Alice up and I headed to the kitchen to cook Charlie dinner.

~****~

Chapter lyrics by Halestorm, song titled "Love/Hate Heartbreak"