Operation: Mariposa

by Scarlet Fever

Seifer/Squall slash! Rated M for Graphic language, violence, sexual content and drug/alcohol use. What do you do when your whole world turns against you? Been a while since I posted a fic on here! Work In Progress!

7. Chapter 7

Chapter 07

Seifer's heart was racing as he looked around him. He'd been running, and his heavy grey trench coat, now in complete tatters, was plastered to his back from all the sweat. Something stank, and he could hear running water. It was also bitterly cold, his hands like ice even though he was wearing gloves. His eyes started to focus in the dark. He'd run into a circular chamber. The distant smell of sewage was in the air, mingled with some unpleasant, musty odour. It smelled like death. He then realized he was in a large jail cell, and it wasn't this fact that made his blood run cold. It was where this lonely, dank cell was located. In the bowels of Ultimecia's castle. The fecal smell was from the castle's sewage run-off, and in the distance, he could hear creatures of some kind, and the distinct undercurrent of a ticking clock.

He made a beeline for the door, his heart racing. This was the last place in all of time and space that he wanted to be. Trapped by her. Under her control again. Locked in his stupid, childish dreams of being a Sorceress' Knight. What a fool he'd been! The cell echoed with his footsteps, crunching against debris. He jiggled at the lock, panting. It held firmly in place, and he started pounding on the door, now sobbing in panic. No. No, no, no. He couldn't be here again. He wouldn't be able to look into her acidic gold eyes and see all his failures. He would rather be dead.

Seifer started screaming and pounding on the door so hard that he was cutting through his gloves, cutting open his knuckles. His blood sprayed on the old, cracked wood, and found that he was calling Squall's name. He screamed and screamed for help, even though he knew nobody would hear him. But, why would Squall answer? He'd chosen Rinoa. He'd chosen the one that was worthy of him. Who was Seifer? He was a fool. He was a murderer. He wasn't worth saving. He slumped to the floor, something cracking loudly under his knees. In the gloom, he looked down at what he was kneeling on, and jumped to his feet, recoiling in horror. It was a skeleton. He'd cracked the right part of the ribcage under his weight. He scuttled backwards, the cell filled with the endless echo of more bones crunching.

Seifer stopped all movement, and realized the dungeon's floor was completely covered in skeletons and decomposing corpses. He noticed that most of the skeletons were wearing tattered uniforms. He leaned forward to peer that them in morbid curiosity. He felt a tear track down the side of his nose when the full weight of what he was looking at hit him. The skeletons looked so small and lost wearing the uniforms of Trabia Garden cadets. Some of the bodies were so small Their bones looked charred, like they'd been in an awful fire. Like they would have looked after the missiles wiped the school off the face of the earth. The bony mandibles were open in silent screams. Screams that wouldn't be heard because of him.

Piled on top of the hundreds of skeletons were fresher bodies that were bloated and putrid. The faces of people he'd killed under Sol's orders. The Estharian psychiatrist was the freshest body, still bleeding. His eyes still held light, and the muted starlight was reflected in them. Seifer let out a gasp that was actually more like a scream when a loud death rattle came from the psychiatrist's chest, and his head grotesquely animated, and he turned to look Seifer in the face. Half his head was gone from the fatal gunshot wound Seifer had inflicted on him, and the motion caused some bits of brain to spill down the jagged hole in the skull and trickle down his cheek like a tear.

"Why do you look so horrified?" The corpse asked, his voice incongruous to his appearance. The voice chilled Seifer, and he would have rather listened to that death rattle on repeat for the rest of his life than hear her voice coming from the body's blue lips. "You killed all these people in kold blood."

"I didn't..."

"Didn't what?" Ultimecia's voice asked, the starlight in the dead, milky eyes glittering more brightly. "Didn't mean to?" She cooed chillingly. "Was forced to?" Her laughter was cruel. "It was your choice, my little poppet. You wanted to be a Knight, yes? More than anything. And, now you act as if you're the viktim?"

"I know I'm not."

"You lie."

Seifer looked away from the animated corpse. "Go away. Let me rot in here in peace."

"Don't turn away from what you've done, Seifer."

He hated the sound of his name when she said it.

"You're a killer. And, you kan't pretend you're not."

"Shut up."

"What?" The corpse laughed. It sounded dusty and wheezy, mingled with the dark chill of Ultimecia's amusement, like a violin being played off-tune. "You think you have friends? Friends who have forgiven you? Who will forgive you when they find out the truth? Raijin and Fujin? They will abandon you once and for all. This will be the last straw. Kwistis? She only uses you as a last resort because her other friends have turned their backs on her. Skwall?"

Seifer flinched at the sound of her voice saying his name.

"Well, you know how that ended." The corpse grinned, and a tendon that had been half-destroyed snapped, echoing in the chamber. It made Seifer had to swallow back vomit. "He doesn't love you."

Seifer closed his eyes, and it burned like he hadn't blinked in hours. Her words were ugly and sharp as a knife. The truth often was. Ultimecia, gloved in the remains of Seifer's most recent victim, remained silent. She was smart, and knew that she'd hit her mark. Knew there was nothing more to say that could cause him any more pain. He could hear those words still echoing in his mind. He doesn't love you. It was the truth that he knew, but a childish and stupid part of him didn't want to acknowledge it because of his own feelings for Squall, and how much he loved him. He really wanted to believe that Squall felt the same as he did, and sometimes he would feel it, knowing the other man as well as he did, but

"But what?"

Seifer sharply took in his breath, startled by the sound of Ultimecia's voice. He'd been so lost in his head that he'd forgotten about her. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"You know Skwall better than anyone, yes? As well as yourself? But, you hardly know yourself. You're a lost child. Maybe you never really knew him at all. Or, maybe he's changed bekause of his lady love, and left you behind in childish immaturity."

"Shut up," Seifer said again, but more weakly than before.

"I tell you the truth. He used you. He saw your desperation to be anything but what you really are, and he used it. He's a whore and a drunk and he akted akkordingly."

"SHUT UP!" Seifer screamed. "Shut up about him!"

The dead body's face became still, and Seifer could feel a great coldness coming from that area of the cell. Something blacker than darkness rose above the body like a noxious gas, hovering dangerously. It twined around him like smoke, and chilled him straight to the bone. It felt like oily hands stroking him through his clothes, and he felt dirty and violated. The smoke got him like shackles, and he couldn't escape. But, that was the crux of it all. He'd never escaped from her, no matter how much he tried to pretend he had. Studying tonberrys? Attending university? Trying to find happiness with Ivan? With Squall? All lies. He was still her Knight, still her killer.

Seifer stiffened as he heard the sound of heavy footsteps and metal clinking against metal. The smoke invaded every pore of flesh, a gaseous prison. He felt it wind around his wrists, and Ultimecia materialized from the dense black fog, holding him from behind in a too strong grip. Her claw-like fingers bit into his skin painfully, and he started thrashing. But, it wasn't because of her. It was because of the ugly aura that had entered the prison chamber. More powerful than Ultimecia could ever hope to be. It buzzed in Seifer's head like a hive, and caused his panting breath to come out in thick white clouds of cold condensation.

Ultimecia's grating laughter washed over his ear as he tried to get out of her grip so he could run. "Fitting, my dear. Now all your viktims are here." She gracefully pushed him forward, still holding tight. Her jewellery tinkled together like broken glass.

Seifer could see two pinpricks of red within the dim light as the majestic form of Odin walked towards him, crushing discarded bones under his feet like it was mere gravel. His eyes burned with unfathomable power, and his cape billowed behind him with each purposeful stride. With each flap of each fold of fabric, Seifer was deafened by the sound of hellish, unearthly screams. It was said that Odin was the master of the land of the undead, so these screams could have been ghosts, trapped souls. Disjointed screams ripped from the bodies and skeletons, until it was all that Seifer could hear, until it shattered his eardrums and blood trickled from out of his ear canal, Odin coming ever closer...

"Seifer! Wake up. Seifer, wake up!"

Seifer's peridot eyes snapped open, and he started struggling madly against the hands wrapped around his wrists. The grip was painfully strong, trying to restrain his wild thrashing.

"Seifer!" A voice snapped authoritatively.

He blinked a few times, looking up. He wasn't staring into the burning red eyes of Odin any longer. Instead, they were Ivan's glittering black eyes, looking down at him in concern. Seifer's own eyes burned with terrified tears, and his chest was rising and falling at a rapid pace. His heart was beating a dangerous tattoo in his rib cage.

"You were having a nightmare," Ivan murmured, still holding Seifer's wrists. "You're at home, in your bed. You're safe."

It took Seifer a few moments to realize this was true. His ears still felt like they were ringing from the screaming, and when he stared into Ivan's increasingly familiar gaze, it still felt like he was staring down the legendary Guardian Force.

"It was just a dream," Ivan whispered, slowly releasing Seifer's wrists when he knew Seifer was aware of himself again. He ran his long fingers through Seifer's sweaty gold hair, half-sitting up with his weight resting on his elbow and forearm.

Seifer struggled to get his breathing under control. "Did I wake you up?" He asked when he was able to speak. The question held a little shock.

"I wasn't asleep."

Seifer would have been dumbfounded if even the most violent of night terrors had woken his boyfriend. Ivan slept very deeply. So deeply in fact that he would fall into apnea and stop breathing at times. Seifer had been warned before the first time they'd shared a bed, but it still freaked him out when he'd witnessed it. He reached over and took Ivan's hand, holding it tightly. He wanted to feel the realness of him.

"Want to talk about it?"

Seifer shook his head, slipping into a more relaxed state as Ivan continued to stroke his hair, his fingers massaging his scalp. He reached over and started tracing a very large, rather nasty scar on Ivan's torso, from just beside his right nipple, trailing jaggedly down his ribcage before petering off above his hip bone. Seifer wondered if his desire to touch Ivan's scar had something to do with Squall, and the whole giving each other matching scars thing. Ivan never questioned why Seifer was compelled to constantly touch the ugly wound, and Seifer never asked him how he'd gotten such a scar, even though he was really curious. It was thick and dark, and would have went down very deep. It seemed like the kind of wound that should have been fatal.

"You could have died from this." It was the first time Seifer had said anything to acknowledge Ivan's scar, other than the first time he'd seen it and made some flippant, disposable comment like 'wow, that's some scar'.

Ivan just shrugged. "It was a training accident."

"You don't have to..."

"It's okay," Ivan assured with a small smile, laying back down beside Seifer. He kept stroking his fingers through his boyfriend's hair to comfort him, resting his cheek on Seifer's sweaty shoulder. "I was in Garden briefly."

"Really?" Seifer asked dully, though he wasn't terribly surprised. Lots of people went to Garden and dropped out at an early age.

"Galbadia Garden," Ivan murmured, putting his other hand on Seifer's chest. He could feel that his heart was still beating pretty fast. "I was only there a few years. We were training, and got a little carried away." Ivan's black eyes slid up to the scar between Seifer's brows.

"So, you didn't want to go back."

"It wasn't for me, anyway."

"I guess that's something else we have in common." Seifer tried to make the comment light as he wrapped his arms around Ivan's slender waist, his finger still shaking, screams still echoing in his brain. He shuddered and turned himself into the other man's body, still feeling bitterly cold.

"You were calling his name again," Ivan said, even as he held Seifer tighter.

"I'm sorry," Seifer mumbled, knowing exactly who Ivan meant.

"Don't be," Ivan whispered, meaning it.

"It's pretty selfless of you," Seifer said bitterly into Ivan's chest. "That you don't care that I'm in love with another man."

"Maybe it isn't so selfless," was the cryptic reply.

"What?" Seifer pulled away so he could look into Ivan's eyes. "You mean... that it's kind of selfish actually, that you don't care if I'm in love with another man, because if I am, that means we aren't serious, and you don't have to be in love with me?"

Ivan's arched eyebrows rose. "Not bad. Maybe you're starting to get to know me like you do him." He became very serious. "Do you want me to care, Seifer?"

Seifer sighed and curled back into the embrace. He wasn't much interested in taking it further than a comforting hug. He was still too freaked out by his nightmare to be amorous, and they'd already sated themselves plenty before going to sleep in the first place. " I don't know," he answered after a while, yawning. "...notlikeanyoneelsedoes," he mumbled as he fell back asleep, words slurred together.

Ivan lay awake, feeling Seifer breathing beside him, his skin pale and luminous in the moonlight compared to the olive tint of his own. The blonde man's breathing started to get laboured, and Ivan could feel the pulse in Seifer's jugular jumping under his fingers. He moved his fingertips gently up Seifer's neck, stroking his temples lovingly. Seifer's breathing started to slow in tune with his pulse as the nightmare was chased from his mind. He fell into a deep and dreamless sleep, Ivan staying awake like a sentinel. He was so still that he stopped breathing, and only inhaled when he remembered that's what he was supposed to do.

Beside the digital alarm clock whose red numbers showed it was 4:18, a wristwatch caught Ivan's gaze. He looked hard at the device, cleverly disguised as a timepiece. The watch lay silent, emitting no ticking like a common watch would have done, and it also didn't make the noise that Ivan was hoping to hear. It occupied his every thought. He gently moved his arm so he wouldn't disturb his partner, and reached for the metal object, holding it in his hand. He pressed some of the programming buttons on the watch, where normally they would have changed the time, date or alarms. But, the watch face became something like a compass, broken and not pointing anywhere, giving Ivan no answers. Answers he wanted desperately. Ivan sighed and remembered to breathe again, putting the watch back next to the alarm clock, the face of the Guardian Force detector disguising itself as a watch once more.

---

Two days later, Seifer was morosely stirring some sugar into his coffee. It was a beautiful day in Dollet, the first they'd had in nearly a week because of a long spell of rain. He and Ivan were sitting at a quiet corner table in a coffee shop they went to often. Maybe it could be considered 'their' place, but they honestly didn't have that kind of sentimentality in their relationship. Seifer had begun to realize that while he cared very much about the other man, he couldn't picture spending a lifetime with him. Not when he could still so clearly picture his future being intertwined completely with Squall's. Maybe that's why he chose Ivan. There was a remoteness about him. Maybe Seifer was using him because he knew he could try to forget Squall without getting too emotionally involved. It was a selfish, cruel thought.

And, you are selfish and cruel

, his inner voice told him, which kept sounding more and more like Ultimecia. He often had dreams about her, but the one the other night seemed to be the one that finally cut through his subconscious. It made him finally realize how stupid all of this bullshit was. Pretending to start over, pretending to want to become a naturalist or a zoologist or whatever. Pretending he wasn't a killer, that he wasn't taking someone's life once a week. Pretending that things could ever go back to normal, that he could ever have something with Squall.

Ivan was equally quiet, staring off into space. He had the GF detector on his right wrist, waiting desperately for it to give any kind of sign. His secondary concern was with the man across from him. Ivan was very well aware just what Seifer was thinking. He hated to see the normally proud, independent man so defeated, so subservient to his own self-loathing.

Seifer put his coffee carefully down on the table, looking at Ivan hard. "Ivan... we need to break up," he said bluntly.

Ivan slowly put his mug down. "All right."

Seifer frowned. "That's it?" He asked. He'd at least expected some kind of reaction. The way Ivan was looking at him though told Seifer that his soon to be ex-boyfriend knew exactly why this was happening. That he knew just what Seifer was thinking, just like Squall always did.

"You've made no secret that you're in love with someone else, and those kinds of feelings don't just go away because you're having sex with someone else. No matter how good the fucking is."

"You don't care at all?" Seifer asked, a little surprised.

"Yes, of course. But, I told you right from the start that I don't want forever." Ivan reached into his pants, pulling out his wallet. He started counting out some gil, and put it on the table. "If that's something that I wanted, I think I would have wanted it with you."

Seifer looked at Ivan carefully. "Sometimes I forget that I don't really know that much about you, really."

"I think that's a two-way street." It wasn't exactly an accusation, but it was said with the air that Ivan knew exactly what Seifer was doing when he would vanish with his gym bag full of hidden guns. He stood and went over to where Seifer was seating, bowing his long and lean body so he could kiss Seifer lovingly on the mouth. "Can I give you a piece of advice?"

"I think you will anyway, even if I say no."

Ivan grinned, then became serious. "I think you should let Squall in. I think he wants you to fight for him, and take that step that he's too afraid to."

"Duly noted," was the dismissive answer.

"Seifer, I'll always be here for you when you need me most." Ivan kissed him again then left, hand subconsciously going to his wrist, running his thumb over the quiet face of the fake watch.

He won't want to be with you,

Ultimecia's voice taunted.

And, the truth was that Seifer believed her advice more than he believed Ivan's.

---

"Cid wants to see you, you know," Quistis told Squall as she drove him back up to Garden. They'd both been at the police station again, answering the same questions they'd answered a hundred times about Evan's death. It had taken nearly half an hour just to wade through the sea of press people outside the Balamb police station, all wanting to inundate the pair of them with questions about Evan, and the fact that two days prior, Squall had been arrested for DUI and it had almost immediately been splashed all over every celebrity rag in the world. He'd had to pay a heavy fine, and his license had been suspended for two years. The only reason he wasn't facing jail time was because he was a member of SeeD. Though, Quistis had the feeling that might not even last much longer. Squall's out-of-control drinking was starting to embarrass Garden publicly. Even ever-forgiving Cid couldn't pretend it wasn't happening forever.

"...Whatever," Squall snapped, arms crossed so tightly across his chest, it was a wonder that he could even breathe.

Quistis muttered angrily under her breath as they drove up to Garden. Any discipline Squall was going to face would affect her, too. She didn't want to be selfish, because Squall was obviously suffering. Or, crashing and burning if you wanted to look at it differently. But, she couldn't help feeling selfish inside, dammit. She was never selfish, and she was worried about her long-term career in Garden. If Squall was suspended, or his duties were lightened, she'd be shelved too. Or, she'd have to adjust to a new SeeD partner. Not that anyone else would want to partner with the slut of Balamb, Quistis told herself darkly. A slut who's pretty much being arrested for a murder she didn't commit.

She stole a look to Squall in the passenger seat. He looked like a stranger to her, so thin and pale with dark, dark circles under his eyes. He looked sweaty and unhealthy, eyes glassy. What was he thinking? Was he even thinking anything? Maybe that's why he was doing this to himself. So he wouldn't have to think. So he wouldn't have to deal with anything. He could be nobody, nothing. Or, he could drink himself into a fantasy where he was the person he actually wanted to be, instead of the person he thought he should be. He always moulded himself out of everyone else's opinions, even when he was a so-called loner.

"What?" Squall snapped, sniffing loudly. He could feel Quistis's gaze on him like a really annoying laser.

"Squall, I..."

"I know that tone," he muttered, unnecessarily wiping his nose. He was getting really cold and bitter, coming down from his high. "So, just butt out. All right?"

"Fine," she muttered, turning her eyes back to the road as they came to the Garden main road. "Fine." She jerkily swerved the car into a free spot and killed the engine. "It's fine that you're snow-blowing away your whole life. That you're ruining everything. That whenever you're not around and my phone rings, I think it's going to be a call asking me to come identify your body."

"Don't be so melodramatic," Squall sniffed, getting out of the car on wobbly legs. The first thing he wanted to do was find the nearest bathroom. He needed a pick-me-up.

"You're going to push everyone away. You think Rinoa will keep putting up with this?"

"S'not like I care," he hissed, banging into a wall as he tried to walk up the long cement hallway that connected Garden with the parking garage.

"What about Seifer, then?"

"In case you haven't noticed, he's not interested. Besides, he's got Ivan," he said hatefully. He stumbled again, banging into a uniformed cadet, sending her books flying all over the floor. She saw who knocked her sideways, and started muttering unkind things under her breath as she crouched to retrieve her things.

"Squall!" Quistis exclaimed angrily as he started to shuffle up the hall. "Here, let me help you." She crouched to pick up a few texts.

"Thanks. I got it," the cadet said dismissively, snatching the books out of Quistis's hand.

The blonde jerked back, hearing the venom. Like there wasn't anyone's help this girl wouldn't like less than Quistis's. She slowly stood up and watched the cadet get the rest of her things and hurry off as if she and Squall weren't standing there at all.

"Squall..." She trailed off. "Cid's office is the other way."

"Bathroom."

She could only shake her head. "Don't you think you're high enough already?"

"Would you rather I fucking pissed my pants?" He asked, his voice sounding completely unlike him, and yet so like the Squall he currently was. "Or, you want to hold it for me?"

Quistis just put her hands on her hips and glared at his childishness. "I give up," she muttered. She splayed out her hands with finality. "I give up."

Squall made a little, sarcastic 'whoopdee-doo' motion with his hands before practically falling into the men's room. Quistis stormed off, moving her glasses so she could pinch the bridge of her nose. It killed her that she'd just in essence turned her back on Squall, but what else could she do? He obviously didn't want anyone's help, and when it was offered, he either just shrugged it off, or showed outright hostility and defiance.

Quistis made her way up to the third floor and her office. Nobody paid any attention to her, treated her like she didn't exist, and right now that was just fine with her. She saw Rinoa standing in the hallway talking to a handsome recent SeeD graduate. They were both laughing, and she was smiling in a way she hadn't done in a while. It's not like Squall made her do anything but cry recently. Quistis stopped dead in her tracks, and started to look for another way to her office. Yet another showdown with Rinoa wasn't really high on her to-do list. She kept thinking there was no way she could feel more hurt by her broken relationship with the other girl, but she was constantly being proven wrong.

Aw, damn. You're supposed to be a SeeD, dummy! Use some stealth!

She yelled at herself when Rinoa caught sight of her. She excused herself from the conversation with the new SeeD and made her way up to Quistis. So, she just crossed her arms and started down the shorter woman, feeling a measure of spiteful satisfaction when Rinoa had to look away.

"Did you come back here with Squall?" Rinoa asked of the floor. She started fiddling with the fringe on the patterned gold and bronze silk scarf she wore tied around her waist.

"Why don't you just go find him yourself?" Quistis asked dismissively. "And, don't worry," she said faux-breezily as she walked past Rinoa. "He was too blitzed to fuck me today. Maybe he won't even notice you flirting with another man in public."

"I wasn't..." Rinoa trailed off, blushing.

Quistis just threw her hands up in a shrug as she turned to face Rinoa, walking backwards. "You don't need to defend yourself to me. We aren't friends anymore, so it doesn't matter what you do."

"Oh, Quistis, don't say that!" Rinoa exclaimed, her eyes starting to sting.

"Why not? How have you shown me that you want to salvage this friendship?"

Rinoa opened her heart-shaped mouth, but could think of little to say in defence.

"Don't bother," the blonde murmured. "Don't bother trying to insult my intelligence, Rinoa. You let other people dictate your opinions, something that you never would have normally let them do. You would have had too much respect for yourself to be so spineless. You let becoming a Sorceress weaken your resolve and your ideals. You let yourself become a simpering little girl too dependant on her Knight, and utterly let it become her identity."

"That's not fair!" Rinoa exclaimed. "I have every right to be afraid of myself! I almost killed you because of these powers! I could have killed everyone when Ultimecia let it control me! I killed Angelo! She was my best friend." Her voice was starting to raise, and people passing by were shooting looks in their direction.

"And, it wouldn't have happened if you'd owned your own powers, instead of expecting Squall to swoop in on his white horse and make everything all better!" She stepped forward and jabbed her finger into Rinoa's chest to emphasize her words. "You should own what you are! A Sorceress, a Witch, an avatar of Hyne. Accept the bad with the good! A Sorceress can exist without a Knight, not the other way around. You're stronger than this fear. And, your fear puts too much pressure on Squall. Maybe it's one of the reasons he's become what he has."

"Are you saying it's my fault?" Rinoa hissed hotly. She could feel her fingertips tingling with magic that was itching to escape into the air.

"No. Squall's problems are his own. But, you're still doing it all the same." She turned and strode down the hall.

Rinoa watched her go, a little blindsided by Quistis's outburst. It seemed like she'd probably wanted to get that stuff off her chest for a while. Maybe even before they'd gone into Time Compression. She got a sudden, deep pang like someone had punched her. That angry conversation made Rinoa think of the last time Quistis had spoken to her so sharply - in her father's study in Deling City, when Rinoa had wanted to try and give Edea that Odine's bangle. It had been a silly, girlish idea, and Quistis had been right to get angry with her, Rinoa knew that now. Was Quistis right now?

And, just like that night of Edea's parade, which seemed like another person's life, Quistis almost immediately felt regret. As she neared her office, she thought about turning around and apologizing to Rinoa. But, any thought of Rinoa left her mind when she saw that she had a visitor waiting outside the locked door to her office. Nida.

"What are you doing here?" She asked blankly.

"Waiting for you." He asked, uncrossing his arms as she approached her office door and started fishing in the pocket of her white jeans for her keys. Nida tried not to stare at the way the pants clung to her hips and buttocks, especially when she was obviously in a sour mood.

"What for?" She asked, exhausted in every sense of the word. She unlocked her office door, and was a little embarrassed by the state of it when he followed her inside. She'd pretty much been living in the office, rather than in the dorms. At least not everyone in Garden was allowed in the administration wings, and she could at least go a few hours without hearing catcalls or feeling ugly glares that made her feel dirty all over.

"I wanted to see if you were okay," he murmured, only casting the briefest glance around the messy office. It was so unlike Quistis, but... this is what her life was now, no thanks to her so-called friends. "But, I guess you aren't. I know you had to go to the police station again."

Quistis just shrugged, fiddling with some papers and pretending to straighten them so she could look down, hoping that Nida couldn't see the shamed flush in her cheeks.

"I'm not like them, you know? I'm not trying to dig for dirt."

"What could possibly be okay about this whole mess?" She asked, sounding defeated. She was in the kind of mind frame where she was thinking about the past, and this reminded her how she'd felt when she told Squall that she'd failed as an Instructor. And, just as he'd been back then, he was now completely unhelpful, and she really may as well have just talked to a wall. "It's probably only a matter of time before Cid kicks me out of Garden. And, I wouldn't really blame him."

"But, you didn't do anything wrong."

"And, what about..."

"Garden's public image," Nida answered at the same time she did. It actually elicited a smile, which faded away far too quickly.

"Squall's having a meeting with Cid, probably as we speak if he isn't passed out on a bathroom floor somewhere. After that, I'd bet every gil to my name that Cid will come see me after that."

"You know Cid won't just kick you out."

"What's here for me now, anyway?" Quistis asked with a shrug.

"I don't like defeatist Quistis."

She sighed. "No... I don't much like her either." She turned around and leaned her butt on the desk. "Maybe I would feel better about this whole thing if Seifer would return my phone calls. But, I think he's being anti-social."

"Is he your BFF now?" He hoped he'd get another smile from her with that incredibly lame line. "I think I felt my IQ drop a few points just saying that."

She did smile, biting her lip to make it go away. "More like my OFF."

"He's not your only friend."

"Sometimes feels like it." She cut the air with her hands. "No. No. I won't start doing that. I won't be teenage mopey Quistis, pining after Squall, listening to sad songs in the middle of a pitch black dorm room. Besides, I have Fujin, too. And, Irvine I guess... even though I sometimes think his friendship has ulterior motives that involve the inside of my panties. And, Xu's been wonderful."

"And, Squall of course."

Quistis frowned. "I can't count on Squall for much of anything right now."

"What happened to him?" Nida asked, bewildered. He'd gotten quite used to Squall's horrid transformation, but when he thought back on how Squall used to be, it became even more staggering. Even more sad.

"Squall's always been someone that cares so much what others think and expect of him. Actually letting people in finally created pressure on him. All from himself, of course. He just doesn't know how to deal with it, and doesn't know how to listen to himself, and what he wants." She stopped herself from revealing more. She felt so comfortable talking to Nida right now that she would have told him almost anything, but she still couldn't betray Squall's secret regarding Seifer.

"You forgot to mention someone on your list of friends."

"If you're talking about Selphie or Rinoa, you can just stop right there."

He cleared his throat.

"Oh, Nida... that goes without saying."

"It's all right. I'm used to being the invisible man."

"Xu's never thought that," Quistis said quietly, going around her desk and sitting in the chair. She wanted to put some space between them.

"Oh my God, not this again. I've told Xu hundreds of times that I just don't think of her that way. I've told you hundreds of times that I don't think of her that way, and I never will. I've told you a hundred times how much I like you, and still like you despite what you think your reputation is like. And, Xu's with Zell."

"It's... complicated."

"Maybe that's why you and Squall get along so well. You make things more complex than they have to be."

"You sound like Seifer. Except more polite and less of an ass."

"I'll take that as a compliment. Though, I hope I'm not quite as gung ho about slicing up my classmates."

Quistis's eyes cast down to the desk.

"Sorry. That was kinda crass. And, really unfunny."

"You're the first person I've really talked to in days. Isn't that wretched?"

"On an infinite number of levels."

"Nida, please don't do this to me!"

"Quistis, don't lie to me." He said sternly, coming around the desk. She rose out of the chair to get past him, but he blocked her path. "I can tell how you feel."

"If you can tell so well, you should be able to feel how uncomfortable this makes me!"

"You're allowed to be happy, despite what Xu may want." He gripped her shoulders.

"Xu does want me to be happy!" Quistis exclaimed. She held his wrists firmly and pulled his hands away. "I could never betray her like that, because I know she would never betray me!"

"Maybe you give Xu too much credit!" Nida blurted out, getting angry with her nobility and stubbornness.

"What is that supposed to mean, Nida?"

"If she's as good a friend as you claim, she'd want you to be happy, and would see how obvious it is that there's something between us."

"There's nothing between us!" She shouted, knowing it was a lie. How could there be nothing between them when there was all this sexual tension in the air, and she wanted to shout at him some more to raise it even higher. When he was angry, his eyes smouldered...

"Look me in the eye and tell me you really mean that."

Quistis tried to, but when she was staring into his dark brown eyes, she couldn't. "It doesn't matter if I mean it or not!" She finally decided on saying. Or rather, shouting. And, then she was kissing him. Not just kissing him, but eating his mouth, pressing against his lips hard enough to bruise. The force of his return was equal to her, and he had her shirt balled up in his fists as she ran her hands all over him with a hard, desperate possession. She wanted this so fucking bad. She'd wanted it for years. The way he was kissing her was something she'd sorely missed in her new pariah status. She could feel wet heat between her legs as her lower regions begged her to finally, finally yield. His hardness was pressing against her thigh, and his mouth seemed boiling hot.

"Stop," she muttered against his lips, voice lost somewhere between their busily working tongues. She got enough control of her willpower before her legs completely turned to jelly, and shoved him away with flat palms. "Stop, stop. We can't," she protested, completely out of breath.

"Why, goddammit?!" He hissed, caught halfway between utter desire and frustrated annoyance.

"You know why." She was panting hard, and had to look away from him.

"Not this again," he groaned.

"Yeah, this again!" Quistis snapped, brushing some errant strands of gold off her sweaty forehead.

"You think Xu would be this noble for you, if the situation were reversed?" Nida asked dully, rubbing his temples. He knew he was soon going to have a horrible case of blueballs.

"She already has been."

"You think so?" Nida asked cryptically.

"What are you talking about?" She demanded, putting her hands on her hips. Her desire was starting to wane, and she didn't like the tone in Nida's voice. "What?!" She demanded when he didn't answer.

Nida opened his mouth to start speaking, but he suddenly realized that his and Quistis's voices weren't the only ones raised. And, the other voice was getting louder. "What's that?"

Quistis completely forgot about their argument. She recognized Squall's voice, but up until very recently had she ever heard it so loud. In fact, as long as she'd known him, she'd never known Squall to much raise his voice. Cocaine and alcohol had changed every aspect of him. She opened the door, and found she wasn't the only one who was looking around in confusion. The hallway was filled with milling people, all looking at Squall in shock. Some were whispering to friends behind their hands, while others were just staring with their mouths hanging open.

"Everyone just fucking assumes they know what I want!" Squall shouted. He was poking his finger into Cid's chest, getting right into his face. "I am not your goddamn golden boy!"

"Squall, calm down!" Cid urged calmly. His cheeks were flushed, and he looked on the verge of tears. Squall had always been one of his favourites, even when he'd been a small boy at Edea's orphanage, and it pained the Headmaster to see the complete stranger he'd become. His eyes were glassy and glittering unnaturally. He was high as a kite, and reeked of rum. He had his gunblade out, and was wildly waving it around, causing people nearby to gasp and have to jump out of the way, especially Cid. It was a miracle he could even hold the thing in his current state.

"I'm not some fucking charity case, especially some pathetic, spineless pussy like you."

"You need help," Cid said lowly.

"Not from you," Squall hissed, a few drops of spittle flying from his lips and hitting Cid in the cheek. He waved his gunblade to emphasize his words. Cid had to take a large step back. "I don't need a goddamn thing from any of you." He waved his gunblade towards the crowd, his gestures and voice full of distain. "Looking down on me like you're all so fucking amazing."

"Squall!" Rinoa exclaimed, coming down the hall. A uniformed SeeD was in tow. They must have gone to find her, hoping she could calm her boyfriend down. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, look! It's Miss Perfect herself!" Squall exclaimed, laughing cruelly at the shocked look on her pretty face. "You and Cid are exactly the same. You plan out my entire life without even thinking of asking me what I WANT!" He shouted in her face.

She reared her head back. The rum smell on his breath was so overpowering, Rinoa could have gotten drunk off the fumes alone. "Squall, you're not yourself. You don't mean what you're saying right now." Rinoa grabbed his wrist, and started to try and get him to let go of his gunblade.

"Like hell I don't. Everyone pushed you on me, you know?"

"Squall, please..." Rinoa's cheeks were turning bright red from mortification.

"Squall, pleassseeee," he mocked meanly.

"That's enough," she said coldly, starting to get angry. She looked quite imposing, actually. Magic started to fill her skin. "You're embarrassing yourself."

"...Whatever," he slurred. "Just leave me the fuck alone."

"Squall," she said, lowering her voice. "I think you should go back to rehab."

"I don't give a fuck about your opinion. And, you know what?" He asked, talking so manically and quickly he was barely understandable. "I've always wanted to tell you this!" He exclaimed, walking backwards and stumbling. His gunblade nearly flew out of his hand, and a young SeeD had to jump out of the way to avoid being dissected. "I really, really hate Eyes On Me."

"Squall, stop it!" Zell exclaimed as Squall turned his back on the Sorceress.

Squall shoved Zell out of the way, banging into a wall when he lost his footing. Xu murmured to Luchia and Astor, who stepped forward under her orders to escort Squall out as members of the revamped Garden Disciplinary Committee.

"Come along," Astor said as if speaking to a child. He put his hand around Squall's emaciated bicep to lead him down the hall.

"Don't fucking touch me!" He snapped. "I don't need to be escorted out. I want to leave." He saluted the crowd by giving them the finger, and stumbled towards the elevator. Nobody stopped him.

"Aren't you going to go after him?" Nida asked of Quistis after Squall had disappeared in the descending elevator.

Quistis was looking across the hall at Xu, who was staring right back at her, looking like she'd been slapped across the face. Quistis didn't understand why Xu looked so hurt and horrified.

"Quistis?" Nida asked, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder to get her attention.

Her sapphire eyes briefly looked over to Nida, and it clicked in a moment of horror. Nida's lips held the tint of Quistis's lipstick, and it must have been smeared on her own mouth.

"Aren't you going to go after him?" Nida asked again.

"No," Quistis answered sadly as Xu turned her back and went into her office, followed closely by Luchia and Astor. "No... I'm not."

---

"What are you doing here?" Was the icy question that Seifer asked when he came home from a kill for the Solar System. Seeing Squall standing in the hallway with his forehead pressed against the wall as if it was the only thing holding him up wasn't what Seifer wanted to see right now.

Squall was surprised by the sound of Seifer's voice. A large half-empty bottle of rum was dangling from his hand. His eyes looked glassy and manic, and Seifer was taken aback by how wrecked the other man looked. It was obvious that he was high as a kite. "I wanted to see you." His voice was like a stranger's, fast and high-pitched from the drugs.

"I don't want to see you," Seifer answered coldly. The look in his eyes was that of the Seifer who'd given Squall the scar between his eyebrows.

"Seifer..." Squall began, tripping over even those easy syllables, syllables as familiar to him as his own name. He started sniffling, and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. There was a glistening smear on his black gloves from a nosebleed.

"Go home, Squall," Seifer snapped, pulling out his keys.

"I don't have a home anymore," Squall whispered, pinching his nose and snorting inward to try and stop the blood flow. It eventually worked.

Seifer's green eyes narrowed. Even when he tried to close his heart away, Squall always found a way to get in deep. Even when he was suffering from a cokehead nosebleed. "What are you talking about?"

"Can I please just come in?" Squall asked, wrapping his lips around the mouth of his rum bottle and taking a hefty swig.

Seifer didn't answer as he unlocked the door. He started to close it after himself, but Squall stuck his foot out to keep it from closing, then squeezed his thin body through the open crack. Seifer must not have been trying very hard to close the door, because Squall wasn't at his strongest, and had lost a lot of his muscle mass.

"What do you want?" Seifer demanded again, throwing his gym bag on the floor. He tried not to wince when there was a loud metallic clang from gun parts clashing together, but Squall was too high to notice. "And, what do you mean, you don't have a home?"

"I kinda... got escorted out of Garden," Squall answered, mumbling around the bottle as he drank deeply. "Cid is such a patronizing piece of shit. Garden would be gone if it weren't for me."

Seifer just raised his eyebrows. "If you say so. Can't you just go to Esthar?"

There was a brief glimmer of the old Squall in his glassy blue eyes, whites beyond bloodshot. Seifer could see shame there. He didn't want to go to Esthar and face Laguna, because deep down, he knew he was out of control, and he couldn't stop himself. That he couldn't fix this on his own anymore.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"Yes," Seifer answered truthfully.

"Why? Is Ivan coming over?" Squall asked, voice all poison. He started searching his pockets, feeling himself coming down hard. His whole body felt like lead, and everything was too real and heavy and painful.

"No." Seifer left it at that. He was feeling petty, and didn't want to tell Squall that he was single once more. But, the tone of his voice told Squall the truth, even in his current mental state.

"Really?" It was pretty hard to contain his pleasure. He reached for Seifer and started to run his hands down the hard planes of the taller man's chest, but Seifer slapped his hands away.

"Don't even fucking think about it."

"As if you aren't thinking about it." Squall stepped forward again, and started to pull Seifer's lightweight black sweater up, revealing a tantalizing glimpse of lightly tanned stomach. Right now, Squall craved more of that flesh than he did cocaine.

"You're too drunk," Seifer noted, pushing the other man away hard. He could feel himself starting to give in. You weak, stupid fucking bastard.

"I know what I'm doing!" Squall exclaimed, indignant.

"No, I don't think you do." Those words held more gravity than just a comment about the situation at hand.

"Oh, fuck you!" Squall shouted, throwing his empty bottle. It hit a wall and smashed, spraying glass all over the place. "You know who you sound like? You fucking sound like Cid. How I'm lost and I need help. I'm not lost!" He ranted, shoving past Seifer and collapsing on the threadbare couch. "Squall was lost before, doing whatever everyone else wanted without question. But now I fucking do whatever I want!" He pinched the bridge of his nose. He was crashing, and his head was rapidly and awesomely starting to pound. "I have to be a good SeeD. I have to be the perfect fairytale for Rinoa. I have to be her Knight. I have to be the good son. I have to smile and wave as they take my fucking picture wherever I go and plaster it all over the place with whatever fucking story they want to write!" He lolled over, pressing his face into a pillow. Colour was starting to smear, and anything red was making his eyes burn. Even with his lids slammed shut and his face in the pillow, he could still see a book on Seifer's shelf with a red spine, like it had been branded into his eye.

"This is what you want? Seriously?"

Squall groaned. Seifer's voice was one of his favourite sounds in the whole world, but right now it was causing him excruciating pain. He could feel the couch dip as Seifer sat down beside him.

"You overcompensated, and went too far. Way, way, wayyyy too far. Ridiculously so." His voice became soft and quiet, more emotional than it had been in days. "You let your dreams and your vision of yourself become warped, and you think you can't go back to the way things used to be. You look at the ruin you've become, and realize you're stuck here, so you may as well just fucking accept it." He was now talking to himself more than he was talking to Squall. "Like a coward."

Squall rocked his weight so he was leaning against Seifer now instead of the pillow, but he still kept his eyes closed. It felt like if he opened them, his eyeballs would stream down his face like pure liquid. Seifer smelled really, really nice. His cologne invoked the musky smell of a dense forest. Squall breathed it in, and it made him feel lighter than he had in recent memory. He pressed his face into Seifer's neck, obscenely breathing in as his hand started to travel. He found Seifer's lap, and when his hand squeezed the other man's genitals through his pants, Seifer stifled a gasp, the touch surprising him since he'd been so lost in his own head.

His own words were heavy in his heart, and made him feel very foolish, as if he could feel even stupider about anything he'd done in his life up to this point. He was a coward. He'd let himself be so bamboozled by his stupid 'romantic dream' that he'd followed Ultimecia to truly insane places, and he was still doing it. He'd just killed someone. A person he'd never met, a person who had absolutely nothing to do with him. For what? Money? Seifer didn't even really care about that. He never spent any of it. Joy? He certainly didn't get any pleasure from it. Because he was a faceless, dutiful soldier, still blindly following Ultimecia's orders, ruining his own life to do so. He liked studying snakes and tonberrys. He loved it, and here he was, destroying it. Skipping classes and fobbing off assignments because he didn't see the point in pretending to be a functioning member of society. Says who? The tabloids? Ultimecia? She was dead, so why was he giving her so much power?

Squall's touch interrupted all of this, and Seifer knew he should have forcibly removed Squall's hand from there, but he didn't want to. He knew the real Squall Leonhart, his Squall Leonhart was still in there somewhere, and Seifer yearned to be with that Squall. To find him and bring him back. To look into his ocean blue eyes and see that sweet and wonderfully shy vulnerability masked under a layer of winter ice, letting only the people closest to him see it. The Squall that didn't need to open himself up for the whole world to see, every second of the day. He'd lost that when everyone had forced him to open up about every little feeling, how Rinoa had wanted his heart on his sleeve just like hers was, being as emotionally gregarious as she was. It wasn't really her fault, though. Squall had let himself get lost in that level of emotionality, and hadn't been able to stay being Squall while still letting people in. He'd tried too hard to become what people thought Squall Leonhart should have been, instead of what he really was. An asshole? Yeah, sometimes. An Ice Queen? Most definitely. And, utterly, fiercely caring and sensitive at his core.

Seifer turned his head, his cheek brushing against Squall's. His eyes were closed, and his face was free of emotion. He looked like he was in deep thought, just like Seifer. Seifer really missed that old Squall, and it felt like he was looking at him right now, drowning but trying to pull himself to the surface again. Blood started to flow southward as Squall started to unzip Seifer's pants, and the blonde's heart started beating faster with more than sexual lust as he leaned in further, and kissed Squall's lips. He tasted like rum and blood, but under that, Seifer could taste the Squall he'd tasted the day of their first kiss. The Squall he'd fallen in love with. He couldn't even remember how he'd fallen for Squall, but he couldn't remember a time where he didn't feel it.

Squall's hand encircled the thickening shaft of Seifer's penis, and started stroking it slowly, testing Seifer's reaction. Would he push Squall away again, or welcome it? When Seifer's tongue gently pushed past his lips, Squall felt a swoop like he'd suddenly lost a sense of gravity. Seifer's hands were on the sides of his neck, warm and firm and strong and so familiar. His feeling of dizziness became even more pronounced as Seifer's thumbs stroked his cheeks. It seemed such an intimate gesture for something so simple. They broke the kiss at the same time, sharing one of those moments of perfect mental wavelength that they so frequently shared. They started kissing each other's faces and necks, Squall deeply breathing in that wonderful woodsy smell of Seifer's cologne, engraining it in his memory. He could have just rested his cheek against Seifer's neck forever, but the desire for that wasn't nearly as great as his desire to taste the pulse of Seifer's cock against his tongue.

He started pulling on Seifer's penis harder, quickly sliding down, still a little afraid that Seifer would stop this whole thing. He heard the other man stifle a small gasp when Squall quickly swallowed the head of his cock. Buried under his lust and perpetual drunkenness, Squall felt a measure of guilt. The last time he'd given head had been as payment for an 8-ball of cocaine. And, here he was, touching Seifer in the most personal of ways, and it was still sneaking around. He still hadn't told Rinoa the truth. Would he ever...?

Squall did what he did best, and ignored his inner voice. He wanted to concentrate on tasting every inch of Seifer. Why would he want to think about anything else when he had the world's most perfect cock in his mouth? He tasted precum when his tongue probed the slit. Seifer's hand was warm on the small of his back as it worked up underneath his shirt, stroking bare fingers against bare skin. Squall stroked the shaft with a firm hand, slowly sucking on Seifer's left testicle, then his right. His other hand slid across the couch cushions, and found one of Seifer's hands. Their fingers twined together, holding onto each other like a vice.

Seifer closed his eyes and sunk into the couch. It was in the back of his mind that Squall's fellatio technique seemed more... practiced than the last time he'd experienced it. Seifer wasn't naïve, and could accurately guess how that came to be. It didn't so much anger him as it did gravely concern him. If Squall didn't get help soon, there would be no turning back. All these worried thoughts left his mind in a single flash when he felt wet heat enveloping his cock again in a swift, dizzying motion. He arched his hips off the couch when he felt a tightness starting to grow in his pelvis. He might have been whispering Squall's name, but the way Squall's throat and tongue were working his erection made it hard for Seifer to think of anything else. His finger squeezed around Squall's hand when an orgasm moved up his spine like a hot wave, pinpricks of colour flashing under his eyelids.

He could feel Squall sliding up his body and straddling his lap as he kept his eyes closed, enjoying the aftershocks still moving up his spine. One hand was moving up under his shirt, and the other was slowly stroking the veins of his sensitive penis, still glistening with Squall's saliva. He slowly moved his fingers up Squall's back, blindly tracing the now-bony lines of his shoulders, finding Squall's silken hair. Squall made a contented purr as Seifer's fingers massaged his scalp, the sound vibrating against the blonde's throat as Squall kissed down the front of it. He grinned into Seifer's Adam's apple when he felt his penis growing hard again. He started to shed his clothes with great efficiency, pulling a condom from his pants pocket before dropping them to the floor.

Seifer half-opened his eyes as Squall straddled him again, now completely naked. His body was a lot skinnier than it had been before, and worry dulled the edge of his lust. Squall must have noticed, because his scarred brow contracted and he leaned into Seifer's chest, his bloodshot ocean blue eyes meeting Seifer's own. He didn't want to see that look in Seifer's eyes - such concern. It made him feel like he really was completely fucked. Especially when right now, all he could notice was how Seifer's eyes were a very similar colour to absinthe. It was so similar that Squall could practically taste the green liquor, instead of the taste of Seifer's semen still hanging on his tongue. He kissed, or rather assaulted, Seifer's mouth with his own, desperately wanting to taste him again, and ignore his growing, gnawing craving for more alcohol.

Seifer's brain tried to start to argue when Squall slipped a condom over his reappearing erection. This will end badly, you know? He's only using you. You think that he actually kares about you? That he what? His inner voice, which still sounded like Ultimecia, then laughed. What? He loves you? If this is love, why does it feel so shameful?

All his inner thoughts vanished like he'd immediately gone deaf when he felt tight heat suddenly surrounding his cock. Squall had taken all of Seifer into him with one lowering of his hips, eased only by his own spit and whatever lubricant was on the condom. Squall's forehead was creased with pain, but there was a small smile on his shaking lips. Squall pressed his forehead to Seifer's, looking into his eyes as the pleasure from the painful penetration washed through his body like a hot wave. He couldn't have stopped the small pants and moans that were already falling from his throat even if he'd wanted to. He bit his lip as he rolled his hips, smiling fully when he heard Seifer's breath catch. When Seifer's strong arms wrapped around his slender waist, crushing their chests together, Squall coiled his internal muscles around the erection within him. The utterly masculine noise it caused Seifer to make made Squall's head spin. He ran his hands up Seifer's back, lightly sheened with sweat, stroking and feeling and caressing the hard, muscular lines.

Their eyes never wavered from each other when Seifer's arms held Squall tighter, and his hips thrust up against Squall's pelvis. Squall groaned, then breathlessly demanded "harder." Looking into Squall's eyes like this - eyes that were so hollow and bloodshot yet still that familiar, cold and perfect blue - he wouldn't have been able to refuse Squall anything. Especially not something like that. Something that he wanted as desperately as someone drowning would want air. The noise Squall made when Seifer thrust against him again, harder than before, was heaven. "Harder," Squall demanded again, this time with more authority. Seifer did, which made Squall moan a little louder, and say "harder" again.

The blonde man then caught Squall up in a fierce embrace, holding him tight enough to take his breath away, and rolled them over so Squall was pinned underneath him on the sofa. He firmly held Squall's hips, and started thrusting into him hard and fast. Squall's legs were wrapped around his upper torso like a vice, and he thrust back with as much force as Seifer was giving him. Squall couldn't remember the last time he'd moaned like this, the last time he'd felt like this. He and Rinoa hadn't been together for quite a while, and most of his other sexual encounters were so faceless, and he was too drunk or high to remember anything about them. But, this... This felt so fucking right. This was where Squall belonged. He could feel precum leaking onto his stomach, being smeared around from the friction of Seifer's abdomen against his own. Heat shot up his spine with each hard thrust, and his vocal reactions got louder and louder.

Squall's hands slipped off Seifer's back when the taller man rose up from his bowed position. He roughly grabbed Squall's hips, and started drilling him almost ruthlessly. He normally wouldn't have been so forceful with the way his pelvis was slapping against Squall's, but he knew Squall could not only take it, but that he wanted it like this. And... maybe he wanted to hurt him a little, too. Maybe he wanted Squall to feel a measure of pain, because Seifer had felt more than his fair share of it because of the other man. True enough though he'd caused just as much in return. Seifer looked down at his partner, and came to the conclusion that he really was over thinking at this moment, and he should just enjoy himself.

Squall flung his arm across his eyes and just let Seifer do whatever he wanted. He was too completely lost in pleasure to keep up with even simple motor functions. All he could feel besides his muscles turning to heavenly jelly under his skin, was Seifer inside him like a hard piston. He wasn't even sure what he was saying, if he was even saying anything at all. He didn't even feel like he was laying on a threadbare couch. He was floating away, he was warm with bliss, and he was home. His liquefied muscles were starting to tense as orgasm approached. He turned his head, sweaty cheek gliding against his equally sweaty shoulder, and he let out a small gasp as his testicles pulled up against his body. His body was being lifted off the couch with each thrust, and when he came, it was like a powerful Flare spell had been cast in his lower back, and was burning its way up his body.

What brought Seifer to orgasm only moments later wasn't the feeling of Squall's rectal muscles constricting around his erection, or the heat of his insides gripping and relinquishing as Seifer thrust in and out of the other man's body, but it was the noises that Squall made as he came. Pure and utter vulnerable joy. Seifer's weight collapsed on top of Squall, limbs tangled everywhere, and he was breathing heavily into Squall's sweaty hair as he felt his own ejaculation, hot and sticky on his cock, trapped in the condom. He could feel Squall's pulse racing, and could practically feel his heart racing in his skinny chest.

Squall was kind of being suffocated under Seifer's weight, but he didn't care. He wearily wrapped his legs around Seifer's waist, and stroked his still-shaking fingers through his closely cropped blonde hair. He didn't want to say anything, or even move so he could look into the other man's eyes. It would ruin the moment, and he was kind of afraid of Seifer's reaction. Would he remember that he was supposed to be mad? Everyone always accused Squall of being an ice queen, and he could even admit that it was true. However, when Seifer was angry, he could hold a grudge until the end of time, and his iciness would put a Trabian winter to shame. Maybe Seifer was concerned about it too, because his cheek stayed resting on Squall's chest, and he didn't move to look up. He seemed content to do as Squall did - just lay there, bodies mingling together.

Squall was startled by a noise, and when he sat up, it was with complete confusion. Which was actually a familiar feeling to him these days. He often woke up not knowing where he was or how he got there. He was in a dim, vaguely familiar bedroom, and realized it was Seifer's. They must have fallen asleep on the couch after sex, and Seifer had brought him in here. The other man was laying next to him, face smooth and serene with sleep.

Squall rubbed his eyes, his stomach gnawing painfully, crying out for a drink and a line of cocaine. It was such a strong desire that his extremities were numb with it. He realized he'd been woken up because of a ringing. It was his phone. He looked around blearily for the source of the noise, which was coming from the small pile of his clothes that had also travelled into the bedroom from the living room. He stumbled out of the bed, cursing when his hip bumped the nightstand. Seifer stirred, but didn't wake up. He rummaged in his pants for his phone, which had the ringtone of Eyes On Me. Squall didn't have the heart to tell Rinoa that he was really beginning to despise the song that had made her mother famous, and was supposed to be their song, and didn't have the backbone to change it after she'd taken it upon herself to make that song play every time someone called him. It really said a lot about their relationship. And, then he remembered that he did tell her he hated it. In front of half of Garden in a drunken rage.

He looked at the caller ID, and saw it was indeed his so-called girlfriend. His stomach sank. Okay, it was time to come clean. He flipped open the phone and crept out of the bedroom so he wouldn't disturb Seifer. "Hello?" He asked, his voice sounding shockingly hollow in his own ears.

"Squall? Oh, thank Hyne! Where are you?" Rinoa breathed, her anxiety coming through clearly. "Are you okay?" Her voice was so full of sweet, unconditional concern.

Squall opened his mouth, but hesitated. How could he tell her the truth over the phone? How could he tell her the truth period? How could he be hurting her like this? She was his girlfriend, his Sorceress, and he her Knight. He was supposed to protect her at all costs. He was supposed to be ever-loyal to her. He was supposed to love her. And, he did love her. "Oh... I'm in Timber," he lied, closing his eyes.

"Timber?" Rinoa echoed. "What are you doing there?"

In the bedroom, Seifer had indeed been woken up, despite Squall's efforts to keep his voice barely above a whisper. But, it hadn't been the phone ringing, or Squall banging into the nightstand that had broken his sleep. It had been some sort of bad feeling deep inside him. Bad enough that he'd felt on the verge of throwing up. It hadn't been a nightmare or anything like that. He could hear Squall's voice wafting from the hallway. His euphoria at having Squall with him again in the most intimate way possible vanished even before he overheard Squall's lie. The sick feeling was almost like his connection with Squall, so mystic and unexplainable, had told him something like this was going to happen.

"Oh... I'm in Timber," Squall's voice murmured, a knife in Seifer's heart. He sat up, and could only shake his head at himself, a bitter smirk on his mouth. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have let this happen again?

"I think you should come back," Rinoa told him. "I think you should listen to Cid, and go back into rehab. He's really worried about you, you know? We all are."

"I don't need to go back to rehab," Squall muttered testily. His mind was starting to wander, thinking about the vial of white powder in one of his jacket pockets. God, he wanted a bump so bad right now. He was dizzy with the need for it, the addiction.

"Squall, please... I don't want to argue. I just... I miss you," she emphasized, her voice soothing and loving, and it reminded Squall why he fell for her in the first place. "Please come home."

"Home?" He echoed. Was Garden really his home anymore. "How's Quistis?" He asked. He remembered that his last words with his best friend had been kinda tense.

" ...fine, I guess." Rinoa's tone cooled quite a bit. "Why?"

"Oh, my God," he hissed, his body shaking , wanting a fix terribly. "Not this again..." He was about to start telling Rinoa off for her stupidity where Quisty was concerned, but his voice trailed off when he saw Seifer walking past him, fully dressed.

"You don't have to snap at me." Rinoa's voice was tinny and far away as Squall watched Seifer pull a coat from the closet, and put it on like it was the most normal thing in the world for him to be leaving right now. "And, you really need to get in rehab. Why are you in Timber? What are you doing right now anyway?"

"What am I doing?" Squall echoed. Seifer hesitated as he pulled up the zipper of his motorcycle jacket, and their eyes met. " ...Nothing," he answered. Where was that surety he'd felt while making love with Seifer? Where was that sense that he was where he belonged? Where was his fucking backbone?!

"Are you drunk? Scoring more drugs?" She demanded, starting to get more hysterical. In Balamb, she could feel magic working through her arms, making them like lead. Tears pooled under her thick lashes as she desperately tried to control it. Selphie was sitting on her bed beside her, and what if something bad happened again? "Squall..." She breathed out, trying to regain control of herself. "Please, just come back. I need you. I... I can't control myself as well when you're not around! I want you to get better! I want us to be the way we were before!"

"I have to go," Squall answered, panic growing in him as Seifer pulled out his keys. He snapped the phone shut

"Squall!" Rinoa shouted, knowing a brush-off when she heard one. The dial tone was her only response. She slowly closed her phone, Selphie's hand comforting on her shoulder. She looked at it, the screen saying 'call ended'. She pursed her shaking lips, and threw her phone against the wall in a fit, pieces of it flying everywhere.

"Where are you going?" Squall asked, reaching out and grabbing Seifer's arm. When their eyes met again, Squall dropped his hand like he'd been burned. "I couldn't tell her over the phone!" He exclaimed.

"You're such a fucking liar," Seifer answered, voice completely void of affection, familiarity, and even anger. It was cold, robotic. Inhuman. "But, I blame myself for believing you this time."

"Seifer..."

"I'm going out to run some errands. If you're here when I get back, I'm calling the police."

"I'll tell her!"

"No," Seifer replied as if it were the simplest thing in the world. He opened the door. "You treat me like a whore. I don't want to hear from you ever again, Squall."

"Seifer, please..."

"You're sweating. You look like you need a fix. I flushed your cocaine down the toilet, but I'm sure you can find some pretty easily."

"Seifer..." Squall protested, his throat burning with tears. "I'm sorry."

"I don't want to hear it. You don't have to bother locking up." He closed the door behind him, leaving Squall painfully alone.

"Seifer!" He shouted. He wanted to go running after him, but he was standing there stark naked, and he knew the look in Seifer's eyes. He'd meant every word. He would call the police if Squall didn't leave. He didn't want to hear from Squall again. Squall had just lost him. "Seifer!" He shouted again through the door, knowing that he was already gone. He tried to stop the tears from flowing, but they were coming hard and fast, and all Squall could do was sink down to the floor, hands sliding against the door.

He waited for the tears to stop before dragging himself back into the bedroom to get his clothes. He didn't want to look at the bed. How could he? It was the last place he would have ever been so close to Seifer. It was the last place he would have ever felt his breath so close, felt the nearness of his warmth. Still shaking and panting, he pulled on his clothes, one article at a time, knowing the very first place he would go would be to the nearest liquor store. He needed to dull this horrible ache, not just in his heart, but in his entire body.

When Squall closed Seifer's door behind him, he felt like he was going to break down again. He bit his lip hard, and started the slow, shameful walk down the hall. He looked up when another apartment door opened, and Ivan appeared, cocking his head as he regarded Squall, seemingly not surprised to see him there.

"Hello, Squall. I heard shouting," Ivan murmured, looking Squall up and down. It was obvious he was in a bad way.

Squall stared at the tall, exotic-looking man, wanting to hate him so fucking badly, but hating himself more. "He's all yours again."

"He was never mine."

Squall started to slink away again, but stopped. In this rare moment of ugly, painful clarity and sobriety, he noticed an aura coming off Ivan for the first time. It made him stop and look at Ivan fully. It was a feeling he knew intimately, a feeling he would never forget, and he'd experienced twice in his life before. The first time had been when he was fifteen, walking along Balamb Town's harbour. He'd seen a child sitting on the edge of the dock, merrily fishing. He'd looked over his shoulder and smiled at Squall, the sunlight going right through him like stained glass. When he'd turned his cherubic face back to the water, he'd disappeared. The second time had been in Winhill, when he'd first set food in the pub that had once belonged to Raine. He would never forget that feeling, because he'd felt it the first time he'd ever seen his mother. And, he felt it now when he looked at Ivan. Like he was looking at something supernatural. Like he was looking at a ghost.

And, the way Ivan looked back at him, it was like he knew exactly what Squall was thinking. Squall's belief in ghosts, and the way he seemed to feel them acutely even when someone standing next to him might not have seen anything, was something he always felt a little embarrassed about, and had never really discussed with anyone. Not with Seifer, Rinoa or his father. Not even with Quistis. Maybe he thought they'd think he was being silly. Well, maybe Laguna wouldn't since he believed in some pretty stupid stuff. Or, maybe seeing Raine had been such a personal experience that he didn't want to share it with anyone.

Squall stared at Ivan hard, thinking this feeling must be some hallucination his body was coming up with because it wanted to get wasted so bad. It's not like Ivan was translucent. He was obviously there. Squall had seen people shake his hand at Elle's wedding. He'd seen Seifer kiss him. He started to walk away again, looking over his shoulder as he went into the stairwell. What made him look away was the glimmer of pity he saw in Ivan's black, black eyes. He didn't need pity, especially not from him. He didn't need pity from anyone. He just needed to get to the bottom of a rum bottle as quickly as possible.

---

Quistis tapped her foot impatiently against the ornate carpet, arms crossed in an angry, defensive position. She could hear people tittering as they went past, and she was just getting fucking sick of it. She always thought of Garden as home, as a sanctuary, but now she just hated every second of being here. But, where else would she go? She was waiting outside Nida's office for him to return from a meeting, and then she saw him walking up the hallway towards him, her stomach swooped. Not in the same way it usually did when she saw him, but in ill disgust.

"Quistis, hi!" He greeted, pleased to see the object of his affection. She'd been avoiding him since their kiss in his office. The smile on his angular face wilted when he saw how pissed off she looked, how her sapphire eyes blazed from behind her glasses that he found so attractive. "Uh... what's up?"

"You bragged about landing me?" She hissed, not bothering with familiarities.

"Wha...?"

"It's all over fucking Garden about how you fucked the resident slut in your office!"

Nida had been in Balamb Town for a day meeting with a client, so hadn't heard this mystery rumour that had Quistis so worked up. "Quisty, I don't know what you're talking about." He put a hand on her shoulder. "What exactly are..."

She interrupted him by shrugging his touch away. "I actually believed you were different, not just some dickhead who only cares about a conquest, then bragging about it to all his stupid friends. And, it's costing me the only friend I have left."

Nida blinked his warm brown eyes, utterly confused. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I didn't go around bragging. You know I wouldn't do that! I'm your friend."

"There's a lot of people who've said that to me, and wound up not meaning it."

"Wait, wait. Is this about Xu? Is she the one who told you this?"

"Of course she did. She's the only one who's standing by me now."

Nida's expression cooled rapidly. "Is she making you feel guilty about our kiss?"

"I don't need anyone to make me feel guilty about betraying her."

"Betraying her?" Nida exclaimed, voice rising. He laughed bitterly. "Maybe you shouldn't take Xu's word as gospel."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You don't find it odd that she's so upset about her so-called best friend finding someone she likes, and is so hung up on me, even though I've told her point blank several times that I don't think of her that way? And, the fact that she seems to be forgetting that she's got a boyfriend that she's also supposed to care about very much?"

"It's complicated..." Quistis argued.

"No, it's not."

"Shut up about Xu!" She snapped. "Can you please just... stop? Just leave me alone, okay?" She walked away from his office door, kind of hoping that he would call after her, stop her. But, he didn't.

Xu looked up from the forms she was signing and filling out. They were stacking up quicker and quicker. Cid was giving her more to do, except he still didn't want to make her Headmaster. Even after all the work she did for him. Garden would fall apart without her, and he still had his eye on Quistis? At least Squall wasn't a possibility for the job anymore. How could he be after his drunken outburst? Cid was so fucking incompetent that not only couldn't he run Garden, but he also couldn't see the real talent right in front of his fucking face.

And, she didn't have time to do his work as well as hers. Not to mention all the extra work she was putting in trying to break the silence of the Solar System. She had a file on every murder she guessed could be awarded to them. It was getting larger by the week, and now took up two whole drawers in one of her filing cabinets. She'd tried to hire SeeD to infiltrate the assassins cell, and to order fake hits, but the mysterious Sol never seemed to take the bait. It was like he knew ahead of time. Did he have a spy in SeeD? Was he SeeD himself? Even when she used freshly graduated cadets, they couldn't come up with anything.

When she heard a gentle knock on her door, she rolled her eyes behind her glasses. Another visit from Zell. He had his uses, but he was really starting to get on her nerves. He was always underfoot, like an annoying, hyperactive dog. "Come in," she called, putting on a falsely cheery face, thinking about the day in the very near future when she could greet Nida in her Headmaster office, and he would smile brightly and come to her, giving her a soft, loving kiss.

Her mood soured even more when it was Quistis. The person she wanted to see even less than Zell. Her fucking lipstick all over Nida's lips. Why couldn't she just be with Squall like she was supposed to?! They could be friends again if only she'd do what she was supposed to. If only she wasn't being handed everything that Xu ever wanted in life.

"Hi..." Quistis trailed off. She could feel Xu's icy aura across the dimly lit office. Instead of looking at her friend's face, her sapphire eyes concentrated on the shadowboxes full of dead, pinned butterflies. "Can... can we talk?" She asked, voice shaking. Xu was the only friend she had left. To lose that would be devastating.

"About what?" Xu asked coldly, going back to her papers. She knew Quistis well enough to feel the guilt wafting off her like a cheap perfume, but let her squirm.

"I just really want to apologize about Nida." Quistis stood with unnatural stiffness. "And, I swear it won't happen again. You're my best friend, Xu. I won't let any man ruin that."

Xu took off her glasses, and folded them before putting them neatly on the desk before her. "Oh, Quisty!" She got up and went across the room. "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad," she murmured, pouring on the charm. "It's just... oh, I can't help still carrying a torch for Nida."

"I know," Quistis mumbled into her chest, unable to look Xu in the face. "I am so, so sorry." She was blinded by her own tears.

"I know you are," Xu whispered benevolently, collecting her friend into a comforting embrace. How badly that word described what feelings Xu felt for the woman she was hugging. She couldn't ever remember 'hating' Quistis, but yet she was doing things that would be done out of hatred. But, they were out of necessity. To made Cid see what was good for Garden. Quistis would bounce back eventually, when things were settled and Xu was in the Headmaster's chair, where she belonged. Xu would let Quistis come back as a teacher. It was what she always wanted. "I'm really sorry for getting angry."

"It's okay." Quistis brushed away tears, face reddening in mortification. How many times in the past year had she cried on Xu's shoulder?

"Did you wind up confronting Nida about spreading rumours, like you said?" Xu asked, handing the blonde woman a tissue. She'd encouraged this action quite eagerly.

Quistis nodded glumly. "Turned into a fight. He was probably lying. Or, maybe he just thought I wouldn't care, seeing what other stuff everyone around her says about me. I guess he's just like all the others." She sighed, thinking of Zell, Selphie, and especially Rinoa. "I'm really glad you told me, though. You're the only person now who would... care enough about me to."

"What about Squall?" Xu asked carefully.

Quistis laughed bitterly. "Squall? All he cares about is getting high. No... I can't rely on Squall for anything anymore. He's too busy lying to himself, and drowning that denial in alcohol and white powder."

"Lying to himself? About what?" Xu's interest always rose dramatically whenever Quistis would talk about Squall's personal problems. If there was anything she could find out that would ruin Garden's golden boy for good...

"Never mind," was Quistis's evasive reply. The same answer she always gave. As greatly as she valued Xu's friendship, she still wouldn't betray Squall, no matter how much he was destroying himself. Maybe that was part of the problem, though. He needed those secrets to come out... "And, I can't seem to get ahold of Seifer anymore. It's like he's ditched me, too."

Xu's interest died. "Uh huh."

"Fujin says he's slowly cutting himself off from her and Raijin, too. I wonder what happened he was doing so well."

"Uh huh," Xu muttered again. Seifer Almasy was a subject she did not wish to discuss.

"But, it's not like he would tell me. Or anyone. Seifer's the only person I know who's as emotionally stubborn as Squall. Maybe that's why they're so good together," she muttered under her breath.

"Huh?"

"Nothing. Look, we okay?"

Xu nodded. Her eyes were full of warmth, even though her heart was full of ice. "Do you even have to ask?"

---

"Would you two just stop hovering?" Squall shouted. He was sitting in a darkened study somewhere in the palace. There were books all around him, popping out of every shelf. Maybe this was someone's office. He didn't even know how he'd gotten to this room, and didn't really care.

Laguna and Ellone shared a look from the doorway, their frames silhouetted from the brighter lights in the hall. Laguna snapped on the study lights, Squall groaning and burying his face in his arms, flopped down on the large desk that was the focal point of the room. Esthar really wasn't Squall's first choice of destinations, but he really did have nowhere else to go.

Ellone shook her head and looked up to the ceiling. She was biting back some harsh words, and it was warring for her genuine fear for Squall's safety. He reeked of alcohol, and the desk was littered with empty bottles. Not to mention that he didn't even look like himself anymore. He would have fit right in with some hopeless junkie living in one of Deling City's gutters, forgotten by the entire world. The kind of person nobody cared about, not even when they died.

"Hyne, Squall..." Laguna sighed and started sweeping the bottles away. "I've spoken to one of the administrators at the rehab center. You know that he'd be willing to let you back in..."

"Laguna," Squall interrupted, voice cracking under the weight of his crashing and burning. He needed some cocaine badly, but his father and sister were watching him like hawks. And, it was hard for him to be stealthy and try to sneak away from them when he was completely shit-faced all the time. "Just. Don't."

"I called Rinoa."

"Fucking hell, Laguna! I told you I didn't want to see her!" Squall jumped out of his chair, and stumbled. He smashed into the desk, and had to scramble to stay on his feet. He eventually got a clawing grip on the drapes, nearly pulling them off the wall.

Laguna put his fist to his mouth, feeling a large lump inside his throat. "Squall, she's your girlfriend."

"Says who? We barely see each other, and fucking fight the entire time." Squall had to wipe some drool off his chin. His eyes were manic and shining like mirrors, and he was starting to pant. "I fucking told you it was over! Why can't you accept that?!" He was practically screaming now. Deep down, he knew he was screaming at himself, telling himself what the rest of him kept trying to ignore. Laguna was just a convenient sounding board.

"Just stop it!" Ellone exclaimed. "Don't take it out on Uncle Laguna."

"She is so worried about you, Squall. So am I. I'm worried that the next time I'll see you, you'll be in a coffin. She loves you very much and wants to be here for you!" Laguna spread his arms out in urgency. "You need people you love around you right now."

Squall closed his eyes, and thought of how Seifer had kissed him only the day before. Of how his weight had felt on top of Squall. The coldness in his peridot eyes, and the frigid rejection, one that he'd seriously meant. "And, who says that's Rinoa?"

"Squall..."

"Stop trying to push her on me!" Squall stumbled and fell to his knees. He had to use the desk to right himself. Laguna started to go over to help him, but Ellone grabbed his arm to stop him, shaking her head. When Squall was standing upright again, his cheeks were flushed bright pink, and he was sweating. "Stop trying to live vicariously through me!" He shouted. His voice was now obscenely loud as he stood chest-to-chest with his father.

"Squall..."

"Stop making some fucking fairy tale for me and Rinoa, just because you never got to be with the woman you wanted!" He was jabbing his finger roughly in Laguna's face now. "You want me to be with Rinoa because you want to live in some fantasy where you got your happily ever after with Julia Heartilly, instead of having to fucking settle for Mom!"

Squall's drunken tirade was cut short by the loud sound of a slap. It cut through the room like a crack of lightning, and Squall reached up and rubbed his cheek where Ellone's hand had contacted hard. She was glaring at him, Laguna completely rooted on the spot, looking at Squall, but actually staring right through him. He jerked when Ellone slapped Squall again. Her normally warm eyes blazed furiously.

Squall shoved his sister out of his path, and stormed out of the room. Laguna was still staring at the spot where his son had been hurling those hurtful words at him. He felt Ellone's hand come to rest gently on his shoulder, and when he looked over at her, he felt a tear trickle down his cheek.

"I'm sorry, Dad," Ellone whispered, putting her arms around her adoptive father, the only father she knew. She couldn't remember her blood father at all. It was rare that she called him Dad instead of Uncle Laguna, but right now it felt appropriate. They stood in silence for a while. Ellone's hand stung from the slap, and it made her eyes brim with tears. Never in her life did she imagine that she would wind up slapping one of the people who meant most to her in the entire world. But, she also never imagined that Squall would turn into this. That he could say such horrible things to his own father.

"Did Raine feel that way, too?" Laguna asked quietly, heartbroken. Squall's words still rang in his ears, and had cut him as deeply as if Squall had just taken a knife to his heart, and he was bleeding out all over the carpet. "Did she... think that...?"

"Don't even ask that!" Ellone exclaimed, heat rising in her voice again. "She loved you more than anything! And, if she were here, she would be ashamed of him right now."

Laguna's shoulders slumped, like he was shouldering the world. His voice came out robotically, like a stranger's. "But, she's not here. She's dead." He gently shrugged Ellone's hands away. "I should get back to my office. Kiros is probably after me to do something or other."

"Oh, Dad..." She whispered, flopping down in the desk's chair. She angrily swept an empty whiskey bottle away with her arm before collapsing into tears.

---

"Please don't do this..." She begged, sobbing. Her mascara was running down her cheeks in black trails, pooling at the corners of her nose. "Please..." She wailed lowly, clasping her hands together in prayer, looking up at Seifer.

He trained his handgun on her, trying to keep his hand steady as he looked into her watery blue eyes. She wasn't supposed to be here. Seifer's target, a Deling City defense attorney, must have picked her up at the last minute. Or, she'd known some sort of back passage into his loft, if he called upon her services often. And now, with him dead behind her on the chaise lounge, she was begging for her life. She was sobbing in terror, and one of her breasts had fallen out of her skimpy camisole, but she didn't care. Why would she, when she thought she was going to die any second?

Why are you hesitating? You're a killer.

"I won't tell no one!" She promised, voice barely legible because she was crying so hard.

You kan't be anything other than this. Stop trying to fucking pretend.

"I won't tell no one! I'll leave town. Please, please! I have a kid!"

Seifer's hand was starting to shake around the gun's handle.

Why are you trying to pretend that you have sympathy for this wretch? She's a whore. You've killed much better people than her. This. Is. What. You. Are!

"SHUT UP!" Seifer shouted. The prostitute's pleas cut off with a strangled yelp, and she bit her lip hard.

I don't want to do this.

It's what you are. Stop being a liar. You have sympathy for her? She's a whore. Just like you are. Willing to sell yourself for a shot at glory. For a shot at stupid, childish honour. To be used by Ultimecia. By Sol. By Squall.

Normally, the berating voice of his self-conscious in the back of his mind took the tone of Ultimecia, but now it was his own. It was like even his mind was done trying to pretend. He wasn't doing this because he was under Ultimecia's yoke still. Maybe he was doing this because he... well, he was just a bad person.

The prostitute could see that her potential killer was starting to hesitate. She slowly crawled across the floor, and gently gripped the hem of Seifer's army surplus jacket. "Please," she whispered, looking up at him. "I won't tell nobody, I swear."

Seifer looked down at her for a long time.

"I can't die here. I can't leave my kid. Please don't ki--" Her begging died off in the face of a loud gunshot, and the quick death of a bullet entering the front of her skull. Seifer's coat was splattered with blood and bits of her skull as she fell backwards, landing with a thud on the floor. Without a second glance, he left the loft by the fire escape, the same way he'd entered. He dropped the gun in a trashcan with a deft slight of hand, then went to a nearby alley, and pulled a new jacket out of his duffel bag, and switched it for the bloodstained one he was currently wearing. He continued to walk down the block, and threw the coat away in a different, larger dumpster than the gun. Nobody noticed anything out of the ordinary, because that's the way it was in Deling City. He could have killed that hooker in the middle of the street, and the only thing they would have noticed would be if it caused a traffic delay.

Instead of taking the bus down to the train station, Seifer decided to walk through the park. He sat on a bench that overlooked the Presidential Palace, and the beautiful archway. Where his life had started to go so wrong. Where he'd sold himself to a Sorceress so he could live out his stupid childish fantasies. He wondered if the child he'd just orphaned, somewhere in this sprawling metropolis, would turn out just like him. So utterly lost that he couldn't find his way back. That there wasn't even a way back. He was in a bottomless pit, black and lonely.

He folded his hands and put them to his mouth, leaning his weight forward so he was hunched over, elbows on his thighs. He could feel a tear trickling down his cheek as he closed his eyes, and he bit down on one of his fingers so he wouldn't let out the sobs that were trying to come out of him. Right now, it all came pounding down on him like waves how trapped he was, how scared he was of himself and what he'd let himself become. What would his parents think of him? Maybe they'd been selfish and weak, just like him. Or, maybe they were still alive, and just didn't care. Why would they want to find a coward like him? He was even too cowardly to end it all. He could have just told Sol he wanted out, and wound up like Mars.

He let out a long, long breath, wiping errant, foolish tears away with his thumbs. His heart, his stupid stupid heart, would have liked nothing more than to have Squall sitting beside him right now. His shoulder to lean on, his hand to hold. To feel Squall's breath against his cheek. Why couldn't he just fucking see the truth? Squall had made it perfectly plain he didn't want more than casual sex. He probably didn't want much more now than to get high. He wanted to hate Squall for ripping his heart out, but he couldn't. He hated himself more for letting himself believe that something could come out of it. After the Ultimecia debacle, he promised himself he wouldn't give into his weakness for romanticism. What a flimsy promise that turned out to be. Seifer leaned back on the bench, and watched people and cars go past him like he was invisible. He watched for a long time, not moving, trying to compose himself. He must have sat there for hours, because the sun was starting to rise, and there was a deep chill in his bones.

He pulled out his phone and slowly dialled the secure line that would connect him with Sol. "It's done," he answered monotonously when the line picked up. Sol didn't give any kind of greeting, but he didn't have to. "But, he wasn't alone."

"Prostitute?" The mechanical voice asked blandly.

"Yes."

"Sometimes collateral damage happens. I'll send you a bonus for your trouble, though."

"I don't want it," was Seifer's tense reply.

"Oh?"

"I'll take what we agreed to."

"Fine."

Seifer opened his mouth to say something. What? That he wanted to quit? That he couldn't do this anymore? That he wanted to try and save a little bit of his soul?

"I have the sense that you want to tell me something."

" ...it's nothing."

"I'll keep in touch, Jupiter." The line went dead.

Seifer held the phone to his ear for a while before putting it back in his pocket and rose from the bench, his body stiff and cold. As he walked to the nearest bus stop, he felt his phone vibrate against his hip. He pulled it out and saw that it was Quistis's number. He debated on whether to answer at all. When he did flip open the phone and say "hello", he was so emotionally drained that his greeted had no affection.

"Seifer?" Quistis asked. "Seifer, thank Hyne! Have you seen Squall? He's missing."

Quite frankly, this news didn't surprise Seifer, though his heart did skip one beat. "Why?"

"Seifer, please. I know he would have gone to see you."

"I saw him about a week ago."

"Do you know where he would have went?"

"Check the nearest liquor store," he snarked as his bus pulled up. He threw some change in the receptacle and took a seat in the back.

"This is serious! He disappeared from Esthar last week. Rinoa said he called her from Timber, but... he wasn't in Timber, was he?"

"No. Look, I don't know where he is, Instructor. I broke off all contact with him."

Quistis could hear the finality in her old friend's voice. Seifer and Squall must have had some big falling out. She guessed it had to do with either Squall's drug abuse, or his coming to Seifer as a lover, and then lying about him to Rinoa. Again. But, she didn't press the issue. She could tell from Seifer's voice that it would be a really bad idea.

"Seifer..." She trailed off. "Are you okay? You've been really distant lately, and Fujin says you're starting to skip your classes. Is something wrong?"

'Oh, just everything,' he wanted to say. "I'm fine. I guess I'm not just cut out for school."

"But, you seemed to enjoy it so much."

Seifer could hear her misery loud and clear. And, it wasn't just about Squall's disappearance. Her whole life was a disaster. Just like him. He didn't want to add his own horrible problems onto the mountain that were her own. "Quisty, I have to go."

"Oh... okay. If you see Squall, or he calls you, please tell me, or call Laguna's offices in Esthar. He's worried sick."

"I will, okay? Bye."

"Okay... bye..."

He snapped his phone shut again, closing his eyes as he held it in his fist. He hated hurting Quistis's feelings, but she already had one train wreck friend to worry about. She didn't need another. Before he put his phone away once more, he saw he had a text message he hadn't noticed.

"OMG DOLLET EDUUTV CLLED! CALL BAKC!" was the message flagged 'urgent'. That many spelling errors in a text message was pretty common for Raijin. His big fingers and the small buttons on a cell phone didn't mix well.

"EduTV...?" Seifer asked himself under his breath. They were now in one of the tunnels that led up to the train station, so he'd lost service and couldn't reply. But, the reason that Dollet's educational television station would call Raijin was a mystery that actually took Seifer's mind off his own problems for a little while.

---

It took Squall a long time to open his eyes. His lids felt incredibly heavy, and his eyes were so dry that it hurt quite a bit. Everything was really blurry, and it took him a while to bring his surroundings into sharp focus. He didn't recognize this place. It looked like some sort of condemned building. He could hear rain pounding loudly on the roof, dripping noisily from leaks. There was a broken-out window across from him, and all he could see was a slate grey, dismal sky above the roof of an ugly brick building across the way. He turned his head to look at the rest of the room, but the change in vision caused everything to spin, and he had to roll over so he could vomit. When he was done, his whole body fucking hurt, and he was sweating profusely. Underneath the smell of fresh vomit, there was a staleness in the air mixed with human waste and garbage.

Squall wiped his forearm across his mouth, which tasted terrible, and not just from being sick. He also felt incredibly dirty. When he ran his hand across his face, he could feel a growth of beard. When was the last time he'd shaved? He wasn't the sort of guy who could grow facial hair really quick, so it must have been a while. His hair felt gross when he ran his fingers through it, and he winced when his wrist brushed the curl of his ear. When he touched it again, he had to bite his lip to prevent crying out in pain. There was something in his ear...

He rose to his feet to go to the window. He had to know where he was. When he tried to take a step, he fell over, his body completely unresponsive to mental commands. He wound up having to practically crawl to the window, but when he pulled himself up to look out, he still wasn't sure where he was. All he could see was a dirty alley, where the smell of garbage was coming from. There was the sound of city traffic in the background, and he heard the distant whine of train whistles, one after another. Timber? How did he get to Timber? The last thing he remembered was... was Esthar. His stomach gnawed when he tried to think, and when his last memory came into ugly clarity. Arguing with Laguna, saying... Hyne, saying the most hurtful things.

He looked around, but he was alone. There were makeshift beds on the floor, just old tattered blankets on top of big pieces of cardboard. There were stains on the floor from the leaking roof, but also from urine, feces, and even blood. Squall concentrated as best he could, and saw plenty of discarded condoms and needles. A flop house...? He couldn't remember any of this. Tears started to sting his eyes, and he felt sick all over again when he realized the largest portion of the bad smell was coming from his body. He couldn't remember bathing, or brushing his teeth, or how he got here, or how long it had been.

"Oh God..." He slumped down under the window, wind blowing rain inside, splattering across his back. His ear throbbed, and he tried touching it again to investigate the awful pain, but couldn't bear even the lightest touch. His stomach was churning in a way that had nothing to do with needing a drink or some drugs. He started searching his pockets, his hands shaking more and more until he had to stop and collect himself. He was panting loudly, and couldn't see through all the tears in his eyes. His pockets were empty, save a couple empty baggies with a few granules of white powder left in them. Where was his wallet? Where was his phone? Where was he?

"Okay," he whispered to himself. "Okay, get up." He used the windowsill as a crutch, rising to his feet. He'd been so fit before, and now even that motion took all his energy. He looked across the dirty, pathetic room, and let out a sob, the tears that had been trapped in his eyes now trickling down his cheeks. This is what he'd let his life become? When he took the first step towards the dilapidated stairs, it was the hardest step he'd ever had to take in his life. Each stair was like walking on broken glass, and he had to stop his descent twice to catch his breath. He still felt nauseous, and now his bladder was starting to feel sore and heavy.

When he finally got to the ground floor, he looked around for a bathroom, getting more and more desperate. The only one he could find was sickeningly dirty, and smelled like death. But, it was either use it or just go in his pants, so he looked away from the dirty, rancid toilet as he began to urinate. When he did, he gasped in pain. Squall had to actually look down to see that he wasn't pissing fire. It burned, and the agony made bile rise up in his throat. The stream of urine also looked thick and... wrong. Terror rose up in him as he zipped his pants up. Did he have some kind of disease?

That realization, combined with the smell of the bathroom and his body's protests at being sober, made him stumble out into the hallway and retch in a corner. If you had a drink, you could deal with this a little easier...

Squall shook his head at himself. For the first time, he knew that he had a serious problem, and he couldn't deal with it on his own anymore. He needed help. In the foyer, which was leaking so much it may as well have been underwater, Squall saw a pile of rags that was actually people sleeping. One of them must have heard him, and stirred, looking up at him with glassy, drug-addled eyes. "Oh, hey man... awesome party last night. Lessgethighlater..." He mumbled before passing out again. He looked like he should have been dead. Squall instinctively reached up and touched his own face. Did he look like that?

When he stepped outside, the cold rain pelted down on him. Maybe the first bath he'd had in two weeks. He started searching his pockets again for his phone, but it was gone. Was it stolen? Had he sold it for drugs? Where was his wallet? He needed to find a pay phone. He needed to find out where he was. He needed to find out when it was.

He finally came across a pay phone. The booth's glass was cracked and badly tagged with graffiti. But, now he officially knew he was in Timber at least, from the Timber Telephone logo that was on the phone. He'd have to make a collect call since he had no money, but stopped just before hitting the 0 button. Who would he call? He'd alienated all his friends and family. His first instinct was to call Seifer. Right now he wanted to see Seifer's face more than anyone's, but he knew he wouldn't be able to handle that rejection right now. So, he dialled the operator and placed a collect call to the only other person he wanted to see. He said his name when the operator prompted, and waited to be connected.

Inside the booth, as the phone rang, he looked at the rather reflective glass, and saw his own face in the rain splattered surface. He reached up and touched his cheek, making sure it was actually him. He reached up and touched his sore ear. The cause of the pain seemed to be a horrid red swelling around a new industrial ear piercing. The holes in the upper curl of his ear, connected by a silver barbell, throbbed and looked like they were weeping. If he couldn't remember even getting it done, he sure as hell didn't remember to take care of it properly.

"Squall?!" Quistis's voice exclaimed breathlessly. "Oh Hyne, where are you?!"

Hearing her voice made his lips tremble as he looked at his ghoulish reflection. How happy she sounded, how worried. "Quisty..." He whispered, voice trembling.

On her end, Quistis sunk down on the edge of the bed in her room at the Seaside Hotel in Balamb Town. Tears of relief pooled under her lashes. "Are you okay?" Her sense of isolation in Garden had gotten so bad that she'd been staying at the inn now for two weeks. Xu and Irvine seemed to be the only two who cared where she was. She wondered, and hoped, if Irvine was also checking up on her sometimes at Nida's request.

"No," Squall whispered, crying freely now. He leaned himself against the side of the booth, unable to stand. "I'm in Timber... and... and I don't know how I got here. I don't remember anything..."

"You left Esthar almost three weeks ago," Quistis whispered. It broke her heart to hear Squall sound so defeated.

"Three weeks...?" He echoed, sniffling loudly from all the tears. "Quisty... I need help."

She could barely hear him because his voice was shaking so bad, but she did make out those last three words. "Oh, honey... do you know where you are in Timber?"

Squall looked out to the street, wiping his tears away so he could see. "I don't know. I... I don't recognize it. There's... there's a homeless shelter down the block. Nineteenth street." He took big gulps of air to try and calm himself down enough to complete a sentence.

"I think I know where that is. I'll be on the next train, okay?"

Squall couldn't answer because he was overcome with tears again.

"Just go to the shelter, okay? I'll come find you, sweetie."

"Okay," he whispered pathetically, hanging up. He used his palm to wipe away the tears and snot, and also felt crusts of old vomit around his lips. "So..." He murmured to himself, stepping out into the rain, looking up and letting it splash all over his face. "This is what the bottom of the barrel feels like." He mustered the last of his self-respect to calm himself down, balling his fists so hard that his nails, much longer than he normally kept them, cut the skin of his palms. He could feel the sting and the wetness of blood. It made him feel more grounded, more clear-headed than he'd felt in a long, long time.

He stood in front of the shelter, soaking wet. He really hoped they had a doctor or something on call. He was pretty certain he had some kind of STD, but he didn't know which. What if... what if there was another problem on top of that? What if he also had HIV or something? He tried to rack his brain and think, remember. But, there was nothing. The last thing he could remember were bits and pieces of Esthar. Yelling at Laguna, pretty much accusing him of not loving Raine. Ellone slapping him. The blur of blue light and the sound of a lifter. Other than that, nothing.

He slowly breathed out and went in the shelter. It was mercifully warm, and there was the fragrance of soup over unwashed hair and clothing.

"Hello," a middle-aged woman greeted when he approached a folding table that must have been their 'greeting office'. She smiled kindly at him, but had the air of someone who did this all the time, and nothing would surprise her. She must have taken one look at him and knew he was a junkie. A junkie... Hyne. He was. It was true. Squall Leonhart, the junkie.

"Hi, umm, I..." Those three syllables all came out as one breath. "I... I need help." It took everything he had to control himself, to not think of the ruin he'd made of his life. Of what he's lost, maybe forever... He must not have done as well a job as he would have liked, because he saw the compassionate pity well in the woman's brown eyes. "I... I'm an al-alcoholic and a..."

"Shh, it's okay!" The woman urged, getting up from behind her wobbly table/desk. "We'll sort you out." She put a chubby hand on Squall's shoulder. "We've got a free clinic upstairs. You need a doctor?" Her eyes flickered up to his bright red, highly infected ear.

Squall nodded glumly.

"You got anyone to call, dear?"

"My friend is coming to get me," he muttered. His friend. That was so achingly true. Quistis was his best, dearest, and only friend. "But, she's coming from Balamb..."

"That's okay. You can wait as long as you like. Do you want something to eat?"

"I think I should see the doctor," he mumbled into his chest. His shyness around strangers was at maximum right now, especially considering the way he was currently projecting himself.

"All right. This way." She gently steered him by the elbow towards a frosted glass door that said 'Nineteenth Street Free Clinic' on it in neat black, all capitals font. "What's your name, dear?"

"Squall," he answered, more of a grunt.

There was a constricting of her brow muscles that told Squall she was starting to realize who he was. Honestly, he didn't care. Let his picture be on the cover of every goddamn magazine in the world, he thought as he slowly climbed the stairs to the clinic. It couldn't possibly make him feel any lower than he did right now.

---

"Television?" Quistis echoed as she waited for a taxi at the Balamb train terminal in Timber. She was speaking to Fujin on the phone. Seifer was 'unavailable', and the blonde at least had wanted to get him a message that Squall was okay. Quistis knew Fujin didn't want any harm to come to Squall, at least not this kind of harm, but her reaction had been rather frosty and disjointed, even for the one-eyed woman. She'd just had a conversation with Laguna. It broke her heart how completely relieved he'd sounded, nearly breaking down into tears over the phone.

"YES," Fujin answered. "Raijin wants to take it immediately, obviously. Seifer's a little more hesitant. He thinks they're trying to cash in on his infamy, rather than actually caring about Centran reptilian life." She was referring to the mysterious meeting with EduTV in Dollet that Raijin had gotten a call about. They were interested in airing the video documents of Seifer's studies in Centra as an educational series, since people who were crazy enough to go chase after tonberrys and ruby dragons were hard to come by. Especially if they were doing it for reasons other than thrill-seeking.

"Is the money good?" Quistis asked, flagging down a taxi. Her shoulders slumped in relief when it stopped. She'd been waiting for nearly twenty minutes.

"Pretty good, considering they're just students. As time went on, it would probably get better."

"Sorry Fujin, but I'm going to have to hang up on you," she apologized as she handed the cabbie a pair of bags. An overnight bag for herself, and one for Squall. "I'm getting in a cab now. Just... thanks for distracting me, huh?"

"WELCOME."

"And, you will tell Seifer that Squall's okay, right?"

" ...YES."

"Fujin..." Quistis began in her best Garden Instructor voice.

"AFFIRMATIVE!" Fujin answered testily.

"Squall loves him, you know?" Quistis snapped. She was just so fucking sick of snide undercurrents. They followed her wherever she went, and she also wanted to defend Squall. Yeah, he didn't handle things with Seifer and Rinoa fantastically, and he got himself all fucked up, but he was still her best friend. And, no matter how drunk or high he got, that didn't change his feelings.

"You should get in your cab."

"Oh, whatever." Quistis snapped her phone shut. Later, she would have to call Fujin and apologize. She didn't want to alienate yet another person in her life. But, right now, her only focus was Squall. Getting to him, making sure he was okay. Trying to get him back into rehab.

"Thank you," she murmured as the cab stopped in front of the shelter. It was a sad, lonely looking place. She gave him some gil, and thanked him again as he helped her with her bags. When she got in the shelter, she found Squall sitting on the edge of a rather spartan cot. He was hunched forward, staring at his hands. When he heard her approaching footsteps, he looked up. When their eyes met, Quistis tried to hide her shock. His complexion was sickly and his hair was too long and lank. He looked so hollow, like he was a zombie. So thin...

Squall, being the most sober he'd been in over a year, knew immediately what she was thinking. He tugged at the baggy hoodie he'd gotten from the drop box. "Compared to how I looked when I came in here, this is pretty good."

Quistis slowly lowered herself onto the cot beside him. When he smelled her familiar perfume and felt her hand on his shoulder, his lip trembled. "Quisty..." He whispered as she collected him in a hug. He couldn't hold it together anymore, and wept into her chest. Nobody paid them much attention. This sort of thing happened here often.

"I've got you," she whispered into his hair, which was still a little damp from a hot shower earlier. "I've got you." She held him as tight as she could, hoping it would somehow keep him together. "It's okay," she assured after a while, when his sobs started to subside.

"No," Squall answered lowly, pulling away and wiping his wintery blue eyes. "No, it isn't, Quisty." He willed his tears away. "I have gonorrhoea, and I don't remember how I got it. I have to wait for blood work results to see if there's anything else wrong that I don't remember doing to myself. I don't remember anything."

"The last place anyone saw you was Esthar. You might have taken a train here. Or, even walked to Fisherman's Horizon, then came here."

"I don't know if I want to remember," Squall whispered. "I probably did things that..." He couldn't even finish the sentence. His ear was starting to throb, and it felt like it was leaking again. "How's Rinoa?"

"Fine, I guess. How should I know? It's not like she talks to me anymore. I do know that she's really worried about you."

Squall bit his lip. She was worried about him still, even after all the shit he'd put her through. After the way he'd treated her, yelling at her in front of half of Garden's Administration. He thought of the warmth of her eyes, and the softness of her hair. The luminance, the beauty of her face. He didn't deserve to be her Knight.

"What are you going to do?"

Squall looked at his best friend for a long time, resisting the urge to reach up and rub his throbbing ear. "I think... I need to admit that I have a problem. I can't fix this on my own anymore. I can't be like this anymore."

"I'm sure Laguna could get you back into a rehab facility in Esthar, and..."

"I'm thinking Morning Lake."

"You sure?" She asked. Morning Lake was a rehab center in the Timber woods. Garden often sent SeeD there when they got into trouble. Considering their jobs, Garden members in Squall's situation weren't that uncommon, actually. It's just that none of them had been Squall Leonhart before. They were also on retainer for the Galbadian Army. It was rather like a posh prison with very, very strict rules.

"Yeah," Squall answered. "I need that structure right now."

"Okay." She put a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it in comfort. "We'll talk to Cid when we go back to Balamb."

"If he'll agree to see me."

"He will."

Her surety put Squall further at ease. The thought of trying to turn his disaster of a life around was a truly frightening one. He would face a thousand Ultimecias any day, instead of doing this. But, Quisty with him made it seem like he could do it. He could fix himself. He could turn his life around.

"You need to say in town to be near the doctor?"

He shook his head. "I just need to take my antibiotics. Can... can we just go home?"

"It isn't really home anymore," Quistis answered, tucking some loose golden hair behind one ear as she helped Squall stand. He was so weak that even that was a struggle for him now. "I've been staying at the Seaside for a week or so."

He didn't reply. It wasn't like it was surprising or anything. They didn't speak all the way back to the train station, and even during the journey back to Balamb, they were quiet with each other. Quistis could see Squall's inner gears working overtime. He was doing some serious thinking, and she didn't want to interrupt. She'd started reading an old gardening magazine, when the sound of his voice frightened her after all the silence.

"Can I use your phone?"

"Yeah, sure." She handed it to him. She wanted to advise him not to call Seifer. Squall was in a precarious place right now, and rejection from him might send him falling back down. And, Seifer seemed to be having his own problems right now. Serious ones that he wasn't even telling Fujin and Raijin about. She watched him press numbers, painfully slow. He wasn't looking forward to this phone call. When she heard him say "Dad...?", she silently excused herself. She could hear Laguna's overjoyed reaction at hearing his son's voice from across the private train car. Squall's wobbly-voiced apology to his father was the last thing she heard before she closed the door behind her.

---

"I've got a meeting!" Luchia stated, as excited as she ever got, closing Xu's office door behind her.

Xu almost asked 'who are you and why are you in my office?', but realized it was Luchia, looking like a completely different person. She was wearing a blonde wig with large, glamorous curls, and had put on some kind of bronzing powder to make her parchment white skin look more tanned. She was also wearing contacts to make her eyes look hazel, and even adjusted her rigid posture. "You're serious?" Xu asked. She'd been setting up a new butterfly shadowbox, pinning a new specimen down. She slowly lowered the small pins that would hold the lovely purple and green wings in place. "You're really serious?"

"Someone codenamed Pluto will be meeting me in Balamb Town."

"Excellent!" Xu nearly leapt out of her chair with joy. Finally, finally! A meeting with one of Sol's lieutenants. "When?"

"An hour. I'm sure I don't need to ask if you got the info on the false hit done?"

Xu eagerly pressed the file into her assistant's cold hands. "It's been collecting dust since I heard about the damned Solar System. I'll be listening on a mic. Bring Astor."

"He's already waiting in the garage."

Xu smirked. "You know... that's why you guys are such great henchmen."

Luchia's disguised eyes slightly narrowed and the corners of her lips twitched minutely, in her bone-chilling version of a smile. She left the office, where Xu balled her fists and did a silent little victory dance.

On the way to Balamb, Astor and Luchia didn't say a single word to each other. They rarely did. Neither found much use for words. They were just wastes of oxygen. Astor parked a couple blocks away from the small café designated as the meeting spot. Astor would climb up onto a nearby apartment building's roof, and watch every move Luchia and Pluto made through a pair of binoculars, magic ready like a sniper's bullet if any problems needed dealing with.

She sat at a window table, casually looking out. It would have looked like she was people-watching, but she was really checking Astor's position. She ordered a tea and waited, checking her watch momentarily. Five minutes until 4:00. She sipped her tea and waited, wondering if each person that walked by her window, or came in the door, was Pluto. Or, even Sol themselves. Could Sol be that man at the counter? Or, the middle-aged woman in the booth two down from Luchia's own?

The alarm on Luchia's watch beeped when it hit 4pm on the nose. Almost at the exact same moment, her cell phone rang. It's internal clock also said it was 4:00. When she flipped her phone open, she greeted the caller, number labelled 'unknown' with a cheery "hello!", which was completely un-Luchia like.

"Nice try, Luchia," a mechanical voice said into her ear, sounding like a taunt despite the electronic masking. "But, I don't do deals with undercover SeeD agents."

Luchia's head snapped up, her false smile receding to reveal ice. She looked around. Sol must have had someone watching her. Was the call coming from inside the café?

"By the way," the robotic voice murmured. She only half heard it, searching for anyone using a phone in her proximity. "That disguise is pretty good. Just not quite good enough." The line went dead.

She slowly lowered her phone down from her ear, starting to sweat under the wig. She made a discreet gesture to Astor, signalling that there wasn't going to be any meeting. Luchia wasn't one of the more well-known SeeD. Her face was never in the newspapers or gossip magazines. Which meant there was only one logical explanation, and one they'd feared - Sol was a SeeD.

---

"No messages?" Quistis asked as she turned onto a quiet, tree-lined road in rural Timber.

Squall shook his head, putting away his back-up cell phone. He never did find out what happened to his main one. He'd also had to cancel all his credit cards, since his wallet met the same fate as the phone. "I don't know why I bother checking." He was seeing, with a sense of false hope, if Seifer or Rinoa had texted him back. She was in Centra with Edea studying her powers, so Squall hadn't gotten a chance to see her before leaving for Morning Lake. Centra's wireless service was shoddy at best, so it was very possible she hadn't gotten his message yet. The same couldn't be said for Seifer's silence, though.

He'd sent them both identical messages. "I'm going to Morning Lake for rehab. When I get back, we need to talk." He knew that while he was cloistered here, he needed to make some serious decisions about his life. Not only did he need to get clean, but Squall had to decide what he wanted to do from this day forward. What he wanted his life to become, and who he wanted to share it with.

"She probably doesn't have phone service," Quistis offered.

"I know. But, Seifer?"

She was silent.

"He doesn't want to talk to me."

"I'm worried about him."

"Why?"

Quistis just shrugged as Morning Lake came into view, nestled behind grand oak trees and lovely pruned bushes. It certainly didn't look like a detox center.

"Quisty..."

"I don't know... he just seems really distant lately. I don't know if it's because of what's going on with you, or him and Ivan breaking up. But, he's even pulling away from Fujin and Raijin. Maybe he's not as over the whole Ultimecia thing as he wants us to believe." She looked over at Squall's face. "I guess I shouldn't have brought it up. You have enough to worry about."

"Oh... no, I want to know." His concern must have shown.

Quistis slowed down her rental car in the gravel turnabout, and killed the engine in front of some handsome double doors leading inside. "Ready?"

Squall looked at the building for a long time. If he was having any second thoughts, his reflection in the passenger side rear view mirror would have made them vanish. His hollowed-out cheekbones and haunted looking eyes belonged to someone else, a person he didn't want to be anymore. "Yes."

"Okay." Quistis popped the trunk, and got out to get a duffel bag he'd packed. "You want me to go in with you?" She asked when she handed it to him.

"No, it's okay." He squared his shoulders after brushing his too-long bangs out of his eyes. He needed a haircut badly. "I need to do this on my own."

She nodded, and then collected him in a fierce, tight hug. At first, he was as stiff as he always was when someone tried to hug him, but he quickly welcomed it and hugged her back. His best friend.

"You call me when you're ready to come home, okay? I'll come get you."

"I will," he assured. "Don't cry until I'm out of eyesight, okay?"

Quistis pursed her sensual lips and laughed. It was true enough that tears were forming in her eyes already. "Yes, sir." She gave him a SeeD salute, trying to be funny. But, it just felt melancholy. "I guess I'll see you in a couple of months."

"What will you do?" She'd told him about leaving Garden to stay in the hotel.

"I don't know. Maybe I'll try to visit Seifer, if he'll let me. Or, I'll go visit Matron for a while."

"If you see Rinoa, tell her..." He didn't even know how to finish that sentence. He didn't even know how to bring up Seifer's name.

Quistis just nodded, leaning against the car as she watched him make his lonely walk up to the front gates. She felt a sense of loneliness as he vanished into the grand manse that would be his posh prison. But, she was certain Squall would succeed this time. Since Squall was going to be gone for eight weeks, she'd also taken a leave of absence from Garden. She had no interest in getting another partner, and no other SeeD really wanted to partner with her at any rate. While Squall turned his life around, Quistis wondered if she could use this time to sort out her own.

---

"Can we stop for a second? I can't run as fast as you!"

Squall nodded and used the chance to take a drink from his large water bottle as his running partner lowered herself to her knees on the mossy ground. Normally he preferred to run alone, but he'd struck up a friendship with Vanessa, a fellow alcoholic and drug addict, and a rather famous pop singer. They were both sweating profusely, but in a good way. It was Squall's fifth week at Morning Lake, and Vanessa's third. Vanessa Guillonio was maybe the only person whose public meltdowns were plastered on the tabloids more than Squall's.

Vanessa crossed her legs, running a hand through her sweaty black hair. She and Squall didn't converse much on runs. She was cut from the same cloth as him, and was pretty shy with people she didn't know very well, and also just liked to keep to herself. Her problems came from a somewhat similar place as Squall's - the inability to handle public intrusion on her private life. Her drug of choice had been crystal meth rather than cocaine, and whenever she thought of sneaking some, she would think of the face of her two-year old daughter, Bianca. Bianca didn't need a mother who couldn't even stand up straight.

"You okay?" She asked, seeing that Squall looked really distant. She drank greedily from her water, and pulled a granola bar from a small rucksack slung across her back. She offered him one, but he waved it away.

"Mr. Azucar gave me a message today from the doctor I went to in Timber." Azucar was the junior administrator of the facility. Patients were discouraged from making personal phone calls, because it distracted them from the healing process, so all messages from the outside world went through him.

"Oh?" Her smoky voice was softly accented with a Winhill dialect that Squall was drawn to. Perhaps Vanessa's voice was similar to Raine's.

"HIV negative."

"That's good! What's the bad news, then?"

Squall smirked and looked down into her dove grey eyes. She reminded him a lot of Quistis. Maybe that's why he felt a kinship with her. "They found traces of PCP in my system. That's probably why I can't remember anything about when I vanished. He told the doctors here to keep an eye on me, since it can affect you even months or years afterwards."

"I know that feeling," she muttered, slowly rising to her feet. "People have come up to me telling me how much they loved Fierce Creature, and I don't even remember recording that album."

"So, will you get mad if I say that's the only album of yours I've heard?"

Vanessa lightly shoved him in the shoulder as they once more started in a slow jog along one of Morning Lake's running trails. Squall was glad he'd chosen to come to this detox center, instead of going back to Esthar. The daily urine samples and random room throws searching for contraband did him good. He needed that structure. It was familiar to him after a lifetime in military school. He didn't even mind the therapy sessions after a while. At first, the hardest part had been talking to a complete stranger about all his deep feelings. The idea still made him shudder, though he put up with it. Because it was rather like prison, there wasn't much more to do outside of therapy sessions than exercising or reading. So, he would take twice daily runs through the woods, chain-link fences deceptively hidden behind thickets of old trees to keep the patients in the grounds.

"I have good memories attached to listening to it," he murmured. He was now at a level of fitness where he could talk to Vanessa normally while in a full run. When he'd first come here, climbing a flight of stairs left him breathless. That CD had been one of the ones he and Seifer had listened to that weekend where they'd first had sex together.

"Well, then I'm glad... I guess. It's pretty bad that my best album is the one where I'm most messed up."

"Just your most popular. People probably wanted to buy it out of curiosity."

"Ah, yes. My career thrives on the train-wreck mentality." She started running a bit faster, and Squall found that he had to pick up his pace to catch up. There was determination in her lovely face, and Squall saw his own progress in her. That she'd hit rock bottom too, and wouldn't ever let herself live like that again. "You know, Squall, it's nice to run with you. You're not checking out my boobs the entire time." Vanessa had a killer figure, and even though she was wearing a supportive sports bra, she was bouncing quite a bit.

"I do like women too, you know..." He'd told her a little about his triangle situation with Rinoa and Seifer.

"Just not me?" She teased, wiping her forehead with the terrycloth band around her wrist.

"You remind me of my mom."

"Ouch!" She exclaimed, laughing. "I didn't think I was that much older than you."

"She was from Winhill too, so I think she might have sounded like you."

"You never met her, huh?" Vanessa asked as the main house came into their distant view.

"She died when I was a baby. I just have what my father and sister have told me about her."

"Your father seems like a good man. Especially for a politician." She grinned at Squall. She'd met several of Esthar's high-ranking politicians, even Kiros, but never Laguna. They slowed to a fast walk when they got close to the facility. "I don't want to just be a memory for Bianca. I don't want her only memories of me to be what my ex-husband tells her. That's why... oh, never mind. You've already had group therapy today."

They parted ways once in the main foyer. She waved over her shoulder and went down the hallway towards the therapy wing. Squall took a drink from his bottle, actually not wishing in the slightest that the water was booze. He walked through one of the common rooms towards the gym, towelling some sweat off his face, when the sound of a familiar voice made his steps falter, and his heart quicken. Had Seifer come to Morning Lake, busting in past the front guard, disregarding the rules about no visitors in typical Seifer Almasy fashion? He looked around, even though he knew it was stupid of him.

The source of that all-too-familiar voice, he found, was coming from the television of all places. His fist tightened around the towel as he saw Seifer crouched down on some sort of dusty ground, pointing out tracks in the grit. He was talking about the first few days in the life of a baby dragon, and gestured to the large nest to which he was crouching beside, where there were some cracked eggshells.

One of the other residents on the sofa felt someone behind him, and looked over his shoulder to see Squall standing behind them, struck numb by the TV. "Hey Leonhart, you know this guy, right?"

All he could muster was a jerky nod.

"Is he as much of an asshole as he seems? You know, from the Sorceress thing?'

" ...no," came the nearly strangled reply. "He's really awesome." God, what a lame verbalization of his feelings towards the man that was talking about Centra dragons like it was second nature to him. He looked so... at home, at peace. Happy. "What channel is this?" He managed to ask as he sunk his sweaty body into a vacant chair.

"EduTV, out of Dollet."

Squall folded his hands in front of his mouth, watching the screen intently, his fingers hiding the tugging upward at the corners of his lips. Before coming here, one of the things he knew he needed to change in his life was this limbo he was living in with regards to Rinoa and Seifer. But, he already knew his answer. He'd known it long before stepping foot in Morning Lake. He'd known it since the day he and Seifer kissed in his office, so long ago. He knew he wanted to be with the man whose voice warmed him right to the core. The man who knew him better than anyone else ever would, and who Squall knew just as deeply. His only hesitation had been his worry about how others would be disappointed about him and Rinoa. How hurt she would be that her fairytale didn't pan out.

He knew very well that Seifer didn't want to see him right now, but Squall didn't care. He wouldn't stay with Rinoa just because of the blonde man's anger. It just wasn't fair. It wasn't only ruining Squall's life, but Rinoa's too. She was never going to be happy like this, and Squall still greatly wanted her happiness. Would she even really be surprised when he told her the truth? But, his biggest worry wasn't telling Rinoa. It was seeing how long Seifer could go before forgiving him. He knew that Seifer cared for him deeply, loved him, but that made the anger and hurt run extra deep. Squall knew he'd meant it at the time when he's said 'I don't want to hear from you ever again', words that still stung like a slap. But, would he mean it forever?

Instead, Squall concentrated on this far happier Seifer, looking tanned and rugged and completely fucking hot with the sun playing on his shortly cut blonde hair, and bringing out darker emerald flecks in his peridot eyes. He smirked when Seifer said something tart to the camera, and Raijin's disjointed voiced bellowed a "Shut up, ya know?!"

The others laughed at Seifer's witty sarcasm, and one resident leaned over and nudged Squall. "Hey, you know this isn't bad for something educational."

"Mmm," Squall answered, in his own world where nobody else existed except for him, and the sound of Seifer's voice.

---

It was a very warm day, so Quistis was supervising some of the older children as they took an afternoon swim at the lighthouse beach, near Matron's orphanage. Edea was down the beach further at a shallower part with the younger kids. Trying to get through to Seifer had been a disaster. His eyes looked so dead that it really worried her. Normally, even when he'd been following Ultimecia's orders, his eyes showed a passionate fire that couldn't be quenched. But, now? He didn't even seem phased that he'd been on TV. Raijin was beside himself with glee, and they'd probably only let EduTV have that tape at the big man's insistence. Seifer just didn't care. So, she wound up here, her childhood orphanage. The place she could always come back to when life kicked her in the ass. Like when she'd almost had a chance at a family. At parents. What had been so horrible about her that they didn't want her? Was it the same thing that was driving away all her friends and co-workers? Was she really just a bad egg?

"Ms. Trepe?!" The sweet voice of Edea's part-time maid called out. She was a teenage girl from Good Hope Township, looking to make some extra money before she went to Esthar for university. She waved when she saw Quistis sitting on a large eroded rock, knitting and watching the children. Behind the maid was another figure, and Quistis lowered her sock project (one of many, many socks she'd knit since Squall had gone to rehab), when she recognized that walk. Rinoa.

"Have you seen Mrs. Kramer? She has a visitor!" The maid gestured eagerly to Rinoa, excited to be in the presence of the Sorceress.

"She's down the beach with the little kids. Probably near the tide pools."

"Can you take Sorceress Rinoa to her? I've got supper half-chopped and waiting." She gave a respectful bow to Rinoa before going up the pathway to the house.

"This is where you've been," Rinoa said quietly. They both looked at Quistis's knitting needles as they moved across rows. Her fingers, normally so sure and fluid during her favourite hobby, were shaking. "You just kind of... vanished."

"I needed to get away. You know where the tide pools are. You don't need me to show you."

"Is it okay if we... talk?" The last word came out as a squeak.

"About?" She didn't look up from the sock.

"Anything," Rinoa answered, a little desperately. "Hey... that yarn looks familiar," she commented on the heathered lavender silk blend. "Did I buy that for you?"

"Last Yule. Back before you thought I was a slut."

"I don't think you're a slut."

"Yes you do." Quistis snapped her mouth shut. There was so much more she was going to say. "Never mind. I don't want to start fighting with you."

"I never wanted to fight with you," Rinoa whispered, looking at Quistis's stern profile as the older girl raised her head to check on the orphans. "But, you and Squall are so close! You know each other so well, and I'm jealous of that!"

"I've known him my entire life, Rinoa. That's natural."

"We've spent so much more time fighting than being together. I feel like I'm dating a stranger. You think... you think that rehab will work this time?" She brushed some hair out of her eyes that had got blown there by the gentle ocean breeze.

"I hope so." Quistis put her knitting in Rinoa's lap and regarded her for a full two minutes before saying anything. It was making the dark-haired Sorceress feel like a bug under a magnifying glass.

"Please Quistis, just... say something, okay? Anything."

"If you're staying overnight, I'll take a room at the inn. That way you won't have to be discomforted."

"Oh, Quisty stop!" Rinoa shouted. A couple of the children down the beach looked over their shoulder at the noise. "I don't want that! I want us to be friends."

"I'm not the one who did anything differently, Rinoa. I'm not going to stop being friends with Squall just because it makes you uncomfortable. Especially when he needs friends badly right now, and really... I need them too. Right now, him and Xu are the only things even keeping me at Garden, besides some sense of duty to Cid and Edea."

"I never meant for that," Rinoa whispered, taking small steps closer to the other woman. "I guess... I just got caught up in the rumours. I've even kind of stopped knitting. Whenever I try to work on something, it just makes me think of you."

Quistis slid off her boulder perch. "Can I give you a piece of advice, Rinoa?"

"Yes, of course."

"Next week, when Squall comes back from Morning Lake... I want you to make him tell you everything. I'm pretty sure he finally will anyway, but... just in case he chickens out again, make him tell you the truth."

"Truth? About what?"

"I'm going to go check on the kids. Matron's by the tide pools." Quistis put her knitting in the small canvas pouch wrapped dangling from her wrist, and walked down towards the beach. She knew that her cryptic advice would probably send Rinoa's imagination into a tailspin, but maybe Quistis wanted to hurt her a little, even though her advice would really go to lengths to prevent the Sorceress from being hurt any more than she already was. Probably, Rinoa would just think that it was final confirmation that Quistis and Squall had been sleeping together, after all.

Rinoa was so tempted to stop Quistis from leaving by magical force. The loss of Quistis as a friend upset her just as much as her problems with Squall, maybe even more. She knew from experience that friends were a lot harder to replace than boyfriends. But, she'd never been able to get over the nagging doubt that Squall and Quistis were lying about something, and the blonde pretty much just confirmed it. She just didn't know what to do. Was Rinoa really letting herself be cowed by the mob, and believing any old rumour? She sighed bitterly and trudged towards the tide pools in search of her Sorcery mentor.

---

"Dear God, that man is so fucking infuriating," Xu hissed to Luchia through clenched teeth. She was balancing a large, teetering stack of files in her arms. There were also some discs and other things that he really could have been doing if he weren't such a fool and a bumbler. She was already in a sour mood anyway, and had been since Luchia had been made during her potential meeting with the Solar System. Now, every time Xu passed a fellow SeeD in the hallway, she looked at them with narrowed and suspicious eyes. Were they Sol? Were they someone who works for Sol? Even Luchia could be in the Solar System for all she knew.

"Would you like some help?"

"No, I'm fine," she snapped. She was still a little miffed at her assistant, even though the Sol thing wasn't her fault. They wouldn't have even known Sol had eyes in Garden if it weren't for Luchia's meeting. "See you later." She did some impressive and flexible moves to get through her office door with her arms full, but as she tried to close the door with her butt, some of the folders went topping, their paper contents fluttering all across the floor.

"Oh, for... Hyne's... sake..." She muttered, letting out an infuriated whine. She started picking up all the pieces of paper, cursing and swearing each time she did, finding the proper folder for each. She turned on her computer as she filed the documents, bustling and multitasking. She logged in using Cid's password, which he didn't exactly keep as secret as he should have, so she could check his schedule. They really needed to have some meetings, and she found that if she planned them for him, he would actually show up. She also pulled up her own daily planner, and started cross-checking for free time.

"Tuesday at three...? Okay, that's not bad," she talked to herself. "A meeting with Squall and Quistis shouldn't take him too long..." She slowly closed the filing cabinet drawer as she realized what she'd said. "Squall and Qui...?"

Xu lowered herself into her chair, and looked at Cid's schedule. Because she did so much of Garden's administrative work, she knew the ins and outs of their computer system. Actually, Xu probably didn't need to do as much as she did, but someone as goal-oriented as her didn't want to defer any of the power away from herself.

Xu's dark eyes became slits as she followed paper trails. Cid had made up some documents and made appointments to get everything official. "Oh, no no no, you fucking stupid bastard. No!" She shouted, punching her monitor in fury. It caused some cracked discoloration to appear. "I cannot let this happen. Not now." She started typing furiously, and punched a text message into her phone, summoning Astor and Luchia. She would not let Squall and Quistis do this to her. She would not let Cid have stars in his eyes about a mission that happened two years ago, and would not let Ultimecia dictate who should run Garden for the long term.

As she was printing out some fake documents, Luchia and Astor appeared. She silently ushered them into her office with angry, jerky motions. "Close the door," she commanded, sitting back in her chair, handing Luchia the documents. "We don't have much time to dawdle."

---

"Wow, Squall... you look incredible!" Rinoa breathed as he closed the door to her room in Garden. Their room, actually. Funny though, it didn't feel like 'their' room. She put her hands on his shoulders and looked up into his face. He looked so much like the Squall she remembered from the Forest Owl mission in Timber, when they'd first met. His complexion was brighter, his eyes lucid, his posture straight and proud and Squall-like. He was even wearing black leather. This time it was a pair of black leather pants and a high-necked motorcycle jacket with handsome pewter snaps, and of course his black leather gloves. She leaned in for a kiss, but he pulled away, and took her hands off his newly fit shoulders.

"Sit down."

She pursed her lips. The text message he'd sent her before going to Morning Lake - 'we need to talk', was burned in her brain, as was Quistis's advice about making him tell the truth. "Uhh, okay..." She smoothed her skirt over her butt and thighs, and lowered herself down on the freshly laundered duvet. His eyes looked so serious...

Squall crossed and un-crossed his arms a few times, and shifted his weight. This was a conversation he'd acted out a dozen times in his mind. He wasn't looking forward to hurting her sweet heart, but he knew he had to. He had to. There was no question in his mind what he wanted. Who he wanted.

"Just tell me," Rinoa demanded wearily.

"I've been cheating on you," he blurted out, back to the vintage Squall Leonhart abruptness. He really had come full circle.

"I knew it," Rinoa hissed, balling her fists in her lap. She could feel magic tingling her limbs. "Quistis told me a million time she wasn't sleeping with you. What a liar!"

"It wasn't Quistis."

Rinoa blinked, looking up. She wasn't expecting to hear that one. "Wasn't... Quistis...?" She cocked her head from side to side, slowly trying to comprehend this whole conversation. It was happening so fast. "But..."

Squall sat beside her on the bed, but kept a personal distance between them. He brushed some hair off his forehead, newly cut. His bangs were still shaggy and long, but they were a bit more jagged, and the back was much shorter than it had been. It was quite a flattering haircut for his face. He'd actually kept the industrial piercing in his ear. After the infection had gone away, he'd come to like the way it looked.

"Well, then who else would it be, Squall? It's not like you're exactly that social!" She demanded, her voice getting higher.

" ...Seifer," he answered.

She looked like he'd punched her in the gut. She turned her face away, and stared ahead for a long time. Squall let her have her silence, but actually wanted her to yell and scream. He knew he deserved it.

"You're kidding, right?" She finally asked. They must have been sitting there for five minutes.

"No."

"So... you're... gay?"

"Bisexual."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" She demanded, finally turning to face him. Her warm eyes were full of tears. He hated himself for this, but knew it was right.

" ...I don't know."

"Don't give me that!" She exclaimed, standing up and spreading her arms out. "You do know!"

"I didn't want to hurt you. And... maybe I thought... you would freak out."

"Just like how you seemed so hesitant to ask me for things... in bed..." She sighed heavily. "Since when?"

He realized that she was asking when he'd starting having an affair with Seifer. "I kissed him in my office, the day he left Garden for the last time."

Rinoa turned away so he wouldn't see how upset that made her when she realized he'd kissed Seifer before he'd kissed her. "So... are you telling me because you're breaking up with me?"

"Yes."

Rinoa's eyes closed, and she felt hot tears trickle down her cheeks, charged by magic. She was so glad she'd been turned away from him when he said that.

"I love him."

"...oh."

"I'm sorry, but I do." She could hear that his voice sounded thicker. She turned around, and saw a tear had escaped his left eye. This was one of the only times she'd seen Squall cry. All the other times had been from physical injury, though.

"Did... did I make you... did I make you two... gay...?" She asked, panting heavily, trying not to break down entirely.

"No!" Squall exclaimed, rising to his feet and gripping her upper arms. "Don't ever think that."

"Is this why you started drinking?" She asked desperately. "Because of me? Because you hated being with me so much?"

"No," was his firm answer. "It was all me."

"Are you two... together?" She asked, voice dull. She had to look away from him. Even though he was breaking up with her, and just told her he'd been having an affair with another man, being this close to him quickened her blood.

He dropped his arms. "No... not yet..." He muttered, looking concerned. "He's... furious with me right now. He was right when he told me I treated him like a whore." He looked away.

"Quistis knew?"

Squall nodded stiffly. "Her and Seifer both wanted me to tell you, but I didn't want to hurt you."

"But... you did."

Squall nodded again. He knew a dismissal when he heard one. "I hope... you know what? You don't want to hear that right now. But... you'll always be my Sorceress."

Rinoa crossed her arms tight and turned away from him. She couldn't hear that right now. Not when he was ending their relationship. Not when he was breaking her heart.

"Can we talk... when I get back?" Squall asked. "I've got a mission, but..."

"Just go," Rinoa whispered.

"Okay." He opened the door and looked over his shoulder at her. "Rinoa?"

She didn't answer. She remained stiff as stone, even when he'd closed the door and left her alone. In the hallway, Squall was leaning his back against the door to their room. It had once been just his room, and now he truly thought of it as just her room. He felt like complete shit, but it was right. And, it was a long time coming. She'd been so correct. He'd been trying so hard not to hurt Rinoa, but he'd done it anyway. He walked away from the door, and he felt like he deserved worse than what she'd given him, but he also felt like half his battle was done. He'd ended his relationship with Rinoa, and now he could try to work on repairing his relationship with Seifer. He pulled his phone out and checked for any texts. But, there were none. He had the feeling Seifer was deleting Squall's messages without reading them. I won't give up on you, Squall told himself, with more confidence than he'd felt in a long time. He was walking on memory, because his mind was completely elsewhere. Breaking up with Rinoa had been another pearl in the string of hard things he'd had to do recently, though it still didn't seem as scary as checking into Morning Lake, or calling his father after he'd been such an asshole, saying that stuff about Raine.

But, after going through all those things, he had a sense of clarity, and a sense of hope about his life. He was going to do what he wanted now. He was going to listen to himself. He was going to show Seifer that he wanted to be with him, that he was committed to it. It was only on instinct that he met up with Quistis in the quad. Her red corset-style camisole was just a smear of colour in his unfocused eyes.

"Wow, you're a million miles away." Quistis waved her hand in front of Squall's face, and then smiled teasingly at him. It became a lopsided smirk of affection when she looked at his face. "You know, you really do look good."

"You're only saying that because you saw how I looked in Timber," Squall muttered, still incapable of accepting a compliment.

"Did you talk to Rinoa?"

He just nodded. "Where's Xu? Did she give you information about our mission yet?"

"She should be here any second" Quistis trailed off, looking at her watch face. "Ah!" She pointed to the stairs, standing from the lip of the fountain. "Right on schedule. Just like Xu," she added with affection.

"Hi, guys!" Xu waved cheerfully. "Squall, it's good to see you back amongst SeeD once more. You look like your old self."

"What's the situation?" He asked, his way of accepting the praise.

"A Galbadian separatist militia is holed up in the old outcrop buildings of the D-District prison that were decommissioned when the new Galbadian government reopened the facility. Technically, they did sell the property, so they can't be forced out through trespassing laws. It was purchased legally by the militia's founder and leader, JB Reigar. But, now they've started to show themselves. They commandeered a caravan of government officials that were going to the prison for an official visit, and they're holding them hostage. They say they want air-time on international broadcast waves, or else they're going to start killing hostages. They also claim to have some atomic warheads, and that they're not afraid to use them."

"Who called in SeeD?" Quistis asked, taking the folder from Xu. She opened it and flipped through the dossier on Reigar and his followers, Squall looking over her shoulder.

"The warden of the prison. They're the ones that got the call, since they're so near. They don't want to move in in official capacity, because if Reigar sees the Galbadian uniforms..."

"He'll start shooting," Quistis finished. She tied her loose blonde hair up in a side-parted bun. "And, SeeD don't have to worry about the same political red tape as them, huh?"

"Bingo, chickie. Sorry about this mission coming on you the day of your return, Squall. But, we've been a little understaffed lately."

"It's fine," Squall assured coolly, all business. "I want to keep busy." If he was concentrating on a mission, he wouldn't have the time to lay on his bed, either in a new dorm or at a hotel, and watch the seconds tick away while he waited for a message from Seifer that probably wouldn't come for quite some time.

"A car's waiting to take you to the harbour. You'll be taking a high-speed yacht to the western Galbadia coast. It will be a lot faster than trying to get the trains, and time isn't something we have right now."

"Got it."

"Astor and Luchia will be accompanying you on this mission. That's okay, right?"

"Yes," Squall and Quistis answered in unison.

"Good." Xu clapped her friend on the shoulder. "I guess I don't need to wish the two of you good luck, but I will anyway."

"You think we need it?" Quistis asked with a wink, pulling her black leather gloves out of the back pocket of the faded jeans she was wearing under a pair of leather chaps.

"Who knows?" Xu called with a wave as Squall and Quistis climbed the quad stairs towards the main part of Garden. "If I didn't wish you luck and something happened to you, how would I feel?"

Quistis laughed and gave Xu a SeeD salute. "Probably glad that you'd be the head of the CC card club!" She called before disappearing after Squall, not noticing how Xu's smile hardened like frozen water.

---

Quistis flipped through the folder on Reigar again. They'd arrived at the Galbadian coast without issue, and were now driving in an armoured truck to the militia's headquarters. It was a very silent drive. But, it's not like Astor or Luchia were very talkative at the best of times. Quistis couldn't remember ever saying five words to either of them, even though they were so close with her old friend.

As his partner read, Squall found himself looking at the faces in the truck with him. Aside from Xu's assistants, he didn't recognize any of them. Had he really been so out of touch at Garden that he didn't know any of the new SeeD? It just seemed very... odd. Most of them weren't even looking at him. Maybe they based their opinion of Squall and Quistis on rumours, but Squall sensed something else. Something... off. He gauged this by the few who would look at him. They were staring at him too much, or staring at Quistis far too much. So much so that Squall wanted to tell them to stop. It was unnerving.

"This Reigar seems like a piece of work," Quistis muttered to herself. "If he's so anti-government, why haven't we heard anything about him before? This is the kind of guy that should be on SeeD's radar."

"Why indeed..." Squall whispered, catching Astor's gaze. It was black and unreadable, like a shark. He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, and got the instinct that something was very, very wrong. Astor never looked away from him, and because he was now so painfully and finally sober, Squall felt like his soldier's sense was heightened after all the shit he'd gone through. It was telling him now that this was a set-up.

He folded his hands in his lap, and with a deft gesture that looked like he was adjusting his sleeves, he freed up a knife holster that was hidden under his coat. Luchia's fingers moved up and down the wired shaft of her stun rod, like they were itching. Waiting.

"It's because there's no such person as JB Reigar," Squall replied, eyes never leaving Astor's. "Why are we really here?"

Astor smirked. It was the first time that they'd ever seen any kind of upturning of his lips. It couldn't really be called a smile though, since it was so cold and full of potential violence. Quistis looked up in confusion from the files, and when she looked into the faces of the SeeD around them, she got the same sense of dread that had been growing in Squall.

Astor tapped his knuckle twice on the partition between the back of the truck and the driver's cab. They felt themselves rolling to a stop, and before Luchia could finish closing her hand around her staff to turn it on, Squall had summoned Shiva. Her icy magic filled the truck, and the metal creaked and moaned from the rapid temperature change. Amongst the sound of warping metal and ice magic, there were the loud pops of stray bullets.

"Come on!" Squall shouted to Quistis through the din. When he'd summoned Shiva, Diablos had called himself, sensing Quistis's fear and peril. She and Squall together tackled against the heavy double doors on the back of the truck. It jarred their shoulders and they did it again, finally managing to pop open the doors and fling themselves out into the hot Galbadian desert sunshine. "Run, dammit!" Squall shouted to her through the smoke and magic now pouring out from the back of the truck.

The sound of bullets and magic to combat the Guardian Forces echoed behind them as they ran towards the canyons. Astor flung himself out after them, flinging magic at their retreating forms. "Go after them!" He hissed to the SeeD who were jumping out around him. "And, don't come back until they're dead!"

Shut up. I know he cares.

But, he just doesn't care enough korrect?