Hello Lovelies. Happy Belated Thanksgiving to you all. Hope you all had a wonderful day! And we've made it...the first kiss between our beloved Edward and Bella. Much thanks and love to ecandme for her help, as well as a very special thanks to my two amazing best friends Michelle and Amanda for their support. I would be lost without you. When I feel like giving up, it is you who see me through. MWAH.
You're the only reason that the world is turning 'round
And you're the only reason that the sun keeps shining down
And you're the only reason I might never wanna die
And you're the only reason that you're keeping me alive
Growing up in Phoenix, I was continuously surrounded by nothing but dry, barren desert, scorching sun, brittle earth and very little in the way of plant life. It rarely occurred to me that there was so much beauty to be found within lush, dense forests and cloudy, dark skies. Yet as I flew through the trees on Edward's back, I realized that a piece of me had always longed for this kind of beauty. I remember in the ninth grade, our science class made the two hour trip from Phoenix to the Tucson Botanical Gardens. I had been amazed and awed that something that alive and beautiful could have existed in such a harsh climate. Yet those trees and flowers had nothing on the scenery whirling past me.
I brought my lips centimeters from Edwards ear. "Can you run a bit slower? It's beautiful out here," I whispered.
"Would you like to walk?" he answered. I bit my lip and nodded. Edward slowed to a stop and helped me off his back. I stood next to him and looked around, inhaling deeply the rich, damp smell of the forest. Edward slipped his hand into mine and we continued together as I marveled at the sights and sounds around us.
After a while we broke free of the forest. A small clearing stretched out in front of us, dotted sporadically with tall, thick Oaks and a multitude of wildflowers, splashed across the open space like strokes from an artist's brush. My breath caught as I slipped my hand from Edward's and walked further into the meadow, admiring the long wisps of grass that swayed in the gentle breeze; each one seemingly dancing it's part in Nature's ballet. A light fog blanketed the area, giving everything a hazy, surreal feeling.
It was the single most beautiful sight I had seen in my eighteen years on this earth... until I turned around.
Yet again I was rendered speechless as Edward stood in a sliver of sun that had pierced its way through the dense canopy of trees. The small patch of light blanketed him, casting an illuminating gold halo around his body that shimmered and pulsed with each sway of the branches above.
I had no words. I had no thoughts. The only reaction my body could manage at the breathtaking sight before me was to gasp…loudly.
Edward turned his head, embarrassed, and took a step forward, cloaking himself in the shadows, the halo disappearing with the sun.
My mind still could not manage a full sentence, so instead I closed the distance between us and gently grabbed his arm. I held it, and though I knew I could not stop him if he tried, I was relieved when he didn't pull away.
"May I?" I asked, finally finding my voice and looking up at him, pulling his arm towards the small patch of light. He nodded, his head still downcast. As his arm entered into the sliver of light, I was unprepared for the beauty of it. If I thought the sight from far away was breathtaking, it was nothing compared to an up close examination.
The sun danced and twisted off his skin, shooting out beams of gold and white light in every direction. I looked around, marveling at how it casted its beauty on every surface it touched, the rocks, the trees, the grass, like a diamond placed directly in the sun.
I lightly traced my fingers over his flesh, smiling at how the light diffracted and shot off in another direction.
"It's…beautiful, you're beautiful," I whispered, raising my eyes to meet his. He smiled shyly and held my gaze for a moment. Slowly, his head bent towards me, his eyes focused on my lips. A fraction of a second before his luscious lips made my contact with mine, I ducked my head and pulled away.
"Bella?" Edward asked, his tone a mixture of surprise and confusion.
"I'm sorry, Edward," I said. I wanted him to kiss me, I did. But there was a single burning question I needed answered before I allowed that exchange to happen. "I need you to answer a question first."
"Anything, Bella. I'll answer anything you want," he said, grabbing both my hands and holding them gently in his. I looked up into his blazing gold eyes and took a deep breath to calm my nerves.
"I need to know why, despite what you said in the woods earlier about needing to be around me, you ignored me for all these weeks.
He looked surprised by my question and was quiet for a few moments. Finally he sighed. "I have walked this earth for a very long time -"
"How long?" I asked, interrupting him.
He laughed as he shook his head. "Always asking questions. Doesn't your brain ever stop?"
"Nope."
"109 years," he answered, the corner of his mouth twisting up in a small smile. I whistled and motioned for him to continue. "So, as you can imagine, there isn't much that I haven't experienced. Not to mention I have lived among millions of humans in that time. So imagine what it must have been like for me that morning in the parking lot. I know you felt it too; I could see it in you. I show up for another day, another high school, and out of nowhere there's you…and all these new and intense emotions are swirling and twisting and pulling. Only I have absolutely no idea what's happening.
"Add into that your silent mind, and the panicking thoughts of my family about your lack of scent, and I instantly went on the defensive. Protect my family…that had been my only reason for existing…or so I thought. And then when you were seated by me in Biology and I saw how beautiful you were and I actually was able to catch your scent, I realized then that you were not a threat to my family, but you were a threat to me. I was instantly taken with you.
"But...you are human, I am not. I convinced myself that it would be impossible for us to be anything, and it infuriated me. I just knew that eventually I would have done something that gave me away. You're combination of beauty, brains, and wit would have undone me. I'd never met anyone like you... and I didn't know how to react. So I did the only thing that made sense at the time…I pushed you away."
"So what made you change your mind?"
"Alice," he answered, laughing softly.
"Alice?"
His face softened as he brought my hand to his mouth and gently brushed his lips across my knuckles. "She helped me realize what I really knew all along; that I was in love with you, Isabella Swan. Utterly, and irrevocably in love with you."
"You…what?" I stuttered, trying to catch the breath that was quickly escaping me.
"Bella, I don't know if you could ever love a monster like me," he continued, "but I do know that I will love you until the day I cease to walk this earth. Vampires rarely change. But when they do, they change for life. You have changed me…"
Edward moved closer, placing his hands on either side of my face. "I love you, Bella. Forever."
I felt a small bubble of panic rise in my chest as Edwards words echoed through my mind. I forced the feeling down and closed my eyes, inhaling a shaky breath as I focused on the sensations that coursed through my body from his touch instead. He leaned in and gently grazed his lips against the shell of my ear.
"Hold still. I want to do something," he whispered. I watched as he leaned in close to me, his head tilting to the side, and his eyes fixed on my lips. I felt my heart pick up speed and skip a beat or two. A lazy grin spread across Edwards face as he laughed softly.
"Just try and relax, Bella," he instructed.
"Easy for you to say," I mumbled.
His eyes never left my mouth as he continued his agonizingly slow descent. I felt time stand still as I waited for his lips to meet mine. After what seemed an eternity they finally did. As his cold, hard lips met my warm, soft ones, a spark of fire ignited somewhere deep inside of me, sending a welcome heat racing through my body.
Our lips moved slowly, unsure, yet in perfect harmony. I felt my desire and my hormones winning out over my logic and self control. I began moving my lips faster, begging to taste more of him. He growled in response, moving one hand from my cheek and placing it on the small of my back, pulling me tightly against him. I could feel his erection, hard against my inner thigh. A soft whimper escaped my lips as they pressed harder against his. I reached up and wrapped both arms around his neck, tangling my hands in his hair.
My lips parted as his tongue traced their soft curves, giving him permission to deepen the kiss. He greedily accepted, our tongues dancing, yet neither one of us fighting for dominance. It was as if we were in perfect unison, one surrendering to the other and vice versa.
My body hummed and tingled with uncontrollable desire. Edward seemed able to elicit the most complex and raw emotions from within me. The meadow spun around us, colors and shapes contorting and shifting until they were no longer recognizable. I didn't care if the world was collapsing in on itself; I never wanted this to end.
As I wrapped my fingers tighter into his hair, I tilted my head back slightly, allowing him access to my neck. He began licking and kissing along my neck and across my collarbone. His tongue darted out and gently licked the hollow of my throat causing another soft moan to escape from me.
"Bella…," he whispered, his lips still pressed against my throat.
"Yes?" I managed to answer, my breath escaping is short, rapid bursts.
"We…we have to stop." He placed one last kiss and pulled away. He stood up straight and placed his hands on my hips.
"Holy fuck," I sighed, looking up into his black, lust filled eyes. His erection was still prominent against my leg and I took a step back to allow some distance to compose myself.
"Yeah…" he agreed, taking a deep unnecessary breath. I sighed in relief, thankful Edward had been in control enough to stop, cause Lord knows I wasn't. Had he not pulled away, I would have went for broke…ripping my clothes off right where I stood and tapping into my inner exhibitionist.
Edward looked down at me and began to laugh as he grabbed my hand and motioned for me to follow him towards the middle of the meadow. The charged atmosphere seemed to calm as we laughed and walked hand in hand through the grass. When we reached the center, Edward sat, pulling me gently down beside him. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to him.
"I meant what I said, Bella. I love you," he whispered into my hair.
"Mmm Hmm," I hummed in response, focusing intently on blade of grass I was twisting around my finger.
Edward placed two fingers under my chin and lifted my eyes to meet his. "Mmm. Hmm?" he questioned, his eyes dancing with amusement.
"I'm sorry, Edward. I don't know what you want me to say. I'm so confused," I answered, focusing my eyes over his shoulder to the trees behind him.
"Confused how? I can't read your mind, Bella…you have to tell me," he answered, gently turning my face so I was looking back into his eyes.
"I don't want to," I answered stubbornly.
"Bella…" Edward said, laughing at my toddler like response.
"Fine. Well the most obvious reason I'm confused is because I'm not even sure what this…" I waved my hand between us, "…is, or what we are. I mean…are we friends? Are we dating? Will we eventually be lovers? Can we even be lovers?" I sighed as I looked back down at the strand of grass wrapped around my finger. "And the other reason is that I've only ever said those words to two people, Edward; My mom and Charlie. I have never said them to anyone else. I'm not even sure how love feels. This all happened so quickly, I'm hesitant to say it's love…for either of us."
"Bella…no one is forcing you to say anything. But please, don't question my love for you. I told you earlier…once a vampire changes, it's for good. Loving you has changed me. That change, my love for you, it's a constant; never changing, never wavering. Nothing will ever break that bond, nothing. You take as much time as you need to work through your feelings, and decide for yourself what it is you're feeling. I will never force your hand, Bella." Edward reached out and stroked my cheek. I felt tears sting my eyes and I quickly pushed them back. Now was not the time or the place for sappy, weak Bella to make an appearance.
"As for your obvious concern," he continued, "This can be whatever you need it be, whatever you need me to be. It would be my honor to be your friend, your boyfriend, your lover, or all three. Just tell me, Bella. Tell me what you want, what you need."
I closed my eyes, willing my tears back into submission. I was strong dammit, I was a fighter! I loved Edward, I knew I did. I just couldn't admit it out loud yet. It was too soon. It would make me vulnerable, it would make my heart vulnerable; easy to shatter. I was against vulnerability at all costs.
"I need a moment," I said as I stood up and walked to the edge of the tree-line. I spared a glance behind me, relieved to find that Edward had not followed me. He's allowing me thinking space, he's not running after me, pleading his case like every other fucking guy. I felt a small chunk of the ice covering my heart crack and melt away.
Turning back towards the forest, I leaned one hand against the trunk of a tree and closed my eyes. Could I do it? Could I let him in? Could I run the risk that he would grab hold of my heart and shatter it like it was made of nothing more than glass?
The answer surprised me. Not only could I do it, but I actually wanted to do it. It had never been a question at all…I was just denying myself the answer. I wanted to let him in. I wanted to trust him to hold my fractured, ice covered heart. I loved him, irrevocably and unconditionally loved him…I just couldn't get the words past my throat yet.
A smile tugged at my lips and I turned back towards my salivation, the man who had changed me as well, and opened my eyes. He sat in the same spot, leaning back on his elbows with his eyes closed, as streams of sunlight poured down on him, emphasizing the fact that Edward really was an angel; My angel.
I walked slowly and quietly back towards him, drinking in the sight of him bathed in his gold halo. He kept his eyes closed, but smiled as I stopped a few feet away from him. I guess there's no sneaking up on this one, I thought.
He opened his eyes and turned his face towards me. I sat down and scooted myself closer to him and looked him directly in the eyes.
"I can't say it yet, Edward, I just can't." I held a finger up as he tried to interrupt me. "That doesn't mean I don't feel it, or that I don't recognize what it is. I'm broken, Edward. Damaged goods…an ice queen, or so I've been told. I'm that way for a reason. It means that I can't get hurt, I don't allow people to hurt me. Do you understand?"
Edward nodded but kept silent, allowing me to finish my little monologue.
"The thing is…I'm willing to make an exception here. Actually it's more than willing…I don't have a choice. You've changed me as well. I know the answers, Edward. I've known them for awhile. I just didn't allow myself to admit them. So…with that said, you have my heart, Edward. It is in your possession. What you do with it is up to you. I have no control over that. I can only hope that the trust I'm putting in you means something to you…that you take it as seriously as I do."
I took a deep breath, wiping away a stray tear that had refused to be caged. "If I'm going to take a chance on anyone, it's you. I choose you. Friend, boyfriend, lover…all three. I choose you, Edward."
Chapter Title and Lyrics by Puddle of Mud. As always, I would love to hear your thoughts about Bella and Edwards first kiss, or about anything really.