Author's notes: Ok, guys, this is the first drabble written without writing a longhand draft first. Let's see if it makes a difference…

Warnings: A lot of ridiculous conspiracy theories by our favorite masked paranoid. So yeah. I think you guys know what to expect. Oh yeah…and suspenders *blushes

I still don't own Watchmen, and I'm wondering if I still need to keep saying it. I think it's pretty obvious by now…

8. Conspiracy theories

"Ok, Rorschach, you really need to hold still! The more you squirm around, the longer this is going to take!"

"Can do this myself. I don't need your help."

"Oh really? You're right. Silly me. Of course you would have a better view of your left shoulder blade than I would! Because that makes sense."

"Ennk."

Dan took a deep breath, willing his patience to hold as he regarded his injured, stubborn and crabby partner. He'd fallen out of a second story window and now Dan was carefully picking shards of said window out of Rorschach's shoulder. The only reason Rorschach hadn't run away by now was because he'd twisted his ankle and it was now securely tied to an ice pack (at Daniel's insistence, of course. If it were up to Rorschach, he'd probably just try to…walk it off or something).

To say Rorschach was unhappy about the arrangement would be an understatement. It had been a battle just to get the man to loose enough layers for Daniel to look at it. The coat was the easy part; it came off with just some glaring and mumbled protests. But when Dan had asked for the pinstriped jacket to come off too, Rorschach had refused. Vehemently. It had taken Dan holding him by the shoulders and describing to him in minute (and maybe a little hyperbolic) detail of what exactly would happen to him if he got an infection. After a brief, stunned silence, Rorschach took off the jacket as well, revealing a bloodstained dress shirt and suspenders. Dan was…more than a little amused at the sight, but he figured laughing would be rude and hazardous to his health. So he kept his amusement of the suspenders to himself and helped Rorschach out of the left sleeve of his shirt; he had made it clear that he intended to be as clothed as possible through all this and Daniel didn't see anything unusually weird about that.

However, one thing was made abundantly clear by Daniel's proximity to his partner: Rorschach apparently did not believe in bathing. To be fair, it was almost into the summer months, the weather was warming up and that suit didn't look like it breathed very well, but god. He always smelled bad, but the closeness and lack of layers really just made it worse. Dan crinkled his nose against the odor and finished as quickly (and thoroughly) as possible before helping him back into his shirt.

"Well, that's that," Dan straightened up, working out an ache in his back, "Why don't you stay here for a while? There's coffee in Archie and I'm far too keyed up to go to sleep yet. Besides," he added when he sensed Rorschach's impending protest, "you and I both know that you won't be taking this ice pack with you when you leave. At least give your ankle a break for a while. Ok?"

Rorschach muttered and huffed and sulked like a little kid, but he stayed sitting on the wooden bench, glaring balefully at his iced ankle. Dan smothered a triumphant smile before stepping into Archie to retrieve the promised coffee. He handed one steaming cup to Rorschach and put his own on the bench next to him. Dan stooped and picked up Rorschach's jacket and coat. He wrinkled his nose at the pungent smell, then looked up at his taciturn partner nervously. Daniel and Rorschach had been partners for a while, and they had always been pretty honest with each other. Especially Rorschach, who basically redefined the term "brutally honest". But Rorschach was also highly unpredictable and could actually be a little sensitive. Rorschach seemed to notice Dan staring at him; he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Something bothering you, Nite Owl?" Rorschach didn't look up from his coffee. Dan swallowed nervously.

"Uhh… if I tell you something honestly, do you promise not to get mad?" He asked, flushing at how childish he sounded. Rorschach looked at him suspiciously before nodding slowly.

"Ah. Okay…well, you…you stink." Dan informed him, not really knowing the tactful way to put it. He hoped Rorschach, who never employed tact himself, wouldn't miss it on him.

Fortunately, Rorschach continued to sip his coffee unperturbed, "Apologies, Nite Owl, does it bother you?" He didn't sound very apologetic to Dan. If anything, he was as indifferent as always.

"Well, no." Dan stammered, "Just…you don't seem to keep very clean…and you have several open and scabbing…wounds. And-and if you don't keep them clean, they'll get infected." He stared at Rorschach, hoping he'd get the hint.

He didn't. "Trust there's a point, Nite Owl?" He looked up from his cup, "If smell doesn't bother you, then--"

"Well…it does a little. That and the fact that you're basically a walking infection waiting to happen. I mean…doesn't that bother you?" Dan looked incredulous. Rorschach looked indifferent.

He shrugged his uninjured shoulder, "The body is self cleaning. Has been since the beginning of our existence. Didn't require soap before we were 'civilized'--" Dan could hear the air quotes, "don't need it now. The only reason products such as soap and other so-called hygienic products exist is at the urging of the pharmaceutical companies."

Dan blinked, utterly confused, "How do you figure?" He was probably going to regret asking, but he wasn't exactly following.

Rorschach studied him for a second, probably trying to figure out if Dan was mocking him or anything, "Soap and other cleaning products kill generally harmless bacteria necessary for a healthy and strong immune system. Thus, the body is susceptible to more dangerous viruses and bacteria, requiring intervention by the pharmaceutical companies by way of medicines and injections. Therefore, the pharmaceutical and personal hygiene companies profit and we pay for it. The introduction of fluoride in the water only reinforces theories."

"But…isn't that just supposed to help with kids' teeth? Making them stronger and healthier and all that?" Dan interjected quickly.

Rorschach made a sound that sounded like an all-suffering sigh, "Supposed to, Nite Owl. Doesn't."

"Oookay…then what does it do?"

Rorschach grunted, "Not sure yet. Believe that it could contribute to the increased crime rates. Could also weaken and kill brain cells. Have heard reports that it could turn people into homosexuals." Dan had to laugh at that.

"No way, Rorschach," he chuckled, positive now that Rorschach was just messing with him, "There's no way that the water could turn people gay. I don't think it's that simple."

Rorschach shrugged again, "Believe what you want, Nite Owl. Am not considering any theories impossible until further investigation."

Dan realized then that Rorschach was not kidding. Amazed and not really knowing what to say, he stared at his partner before saying, "I did not know that."

Rorschach almost chuckled. Almost. "There's a lot you don't know, Nite Owl."

Almost against his will, Dan's mouth opened, "Oh yeah? Like what?"

It was the weirdest conversation Daniel had ever had with another human being.

According to Rorschach, television broadcasts from the major news and governmentally headed stations emitted high frequency waves that were received by the subconscious parts of the brain. These frequencies translated into messages that encouraged unquestionable loyalty to the central government and those in authority, which explained the irrational sense of relief that people feel seeing a police officer when they were in a dangerous situation, or why most people follow, with explicit trust, the directions of those in uniform. Also, (and Dan should have been offended by this one) that the Mafia and other crime organizations, in their quest for global dominance, have formed a coalition with the Jewish bankers for financial dominance over the government-

"Wait, now hold on," Dan interrupted, trying to contain his laughter, "Okay, I'm Jewish. And my dad was a banker, he made me intern there one summer when I was seventeen. I can quite safely say that the only dangerous thing in there is the danger of dying of boredom. Really, there's no mafia there, nothing sinister, just a bunch of stuffy men in suits. I promise."

Rorschach considered him for a second, "Obviously, your father knew you weren't of the mindset to continue his work and he sought to protect you through ignorance. Fortunate, you would not have worked well with organized crime. Too strong of a moral compass for that."

Dan blinked. Wow. "So…what about aliens?"

Rorschach looked at him, "What about aliens?"

"Well, do you think they exist?"

"Of course." Rorschach's tone implied it should be obvious, "There are billions upon billions of stars with an equally infinite amount of solar systems. Why should we be the only system with life forms? Shouldn't assume we are it. Human arrogance."

Dan smiled, "All right. I'll give you that one. Well…what about ghosts? Do you believe some people come back after they've died?"

Something changed in Rorschach's demeanor then. His countenance (even with the mask) grew darker and Dan felt as though he had woken something dark and hurt inside of his partner. Rorschach growled,

"They better not."

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A/N: YAY! Oh, Rorschach, you little nut. So this was another fun one. A little sad at the end though, which wasn't really my intention, these guys kinda run from me a little bit. And all of these conspiracy theories I got off the internet. Seriously, just google "list of conspiracy theories" and you get a lot of weird stuff. I just chose the ones that weren't so involved.