Author's notes: Well, this chapter gave me hell. It was one of those chapters where I had a clear idea what I wanted it to be when I was writing the outline out in, like, April but failed to leave myself a clear note of what I wanted for the future. Because I'm so ultra farsighted. /sarcasm/ Anyways, it was really bad here because all I had for this chapter was its title. Which was… unhelpful. Haha. So here's what came out of it. Enjoy?
23. Weary
Dan wasn't sure when exactly he stopped coming home from patrols with the exuberant feeling that he'd done good in the world that night. It wasn't a sudden burst of clarity and disillusionment that knocked his feet out from under him and left him dizzy and out of breath. Nor did any one person bring it on. Instead, it faded away so quietly and without fanfare that Dan never missed it until it was already gone, leaving him feeling slightly sick and just very, very tired. He hated feeling like this. It was like a betrayal, a weakness and the worst thing was he couldn't talk to anyone about it. He was far too ashamed to talk about it with Hollis, whom he felt would see it as an insult to the Nite Owl name and he sure as hell couldn't talk about it with Rorschach who barely understood him anymore. And vice versa.
And patrolling didn't help with combat the feeling of emptiness and despair that struck him in the wee small hours of the morning. In fact, patrols made it worse. Rorschach still partnered with him and on some days even put in a little effort to keep things like they were; because for all his views against nostalgia, Rorschach hated major change as much as Daniel did. But it was clear that the fault lines on Rorschach's psyche were deepening and the pain of whatever left him quietly cracking before Daniel had ever met him was clearly affecting his mind. And Daniel couldn't do a damn thing about it. He couldn't do anything but watch his partner become stranger and stranger just as he couldn't do anything to stop his city from silently hating him. He'd never in his life felt so impotent.
He hadn't believed that it would ever come to this. He was always positive that people, no matter how black it got, would at least understand that he was doing the right thing. Would see that Daniel was doing the best he could and putting himself in harm's way for them and would at least be grateful for it. But they weren't. People laughed and jeered at him now; which wasn't the biggest problem, Daniel had been to public high school, he knew how that felt. The biggest problem was that the city was painting them black, turning their attempts to do good into acts of perversion and villainy, something to be vilified as opposed to something to appreciate. He rarely watched the news anymore because the subject always led up to how costumed vigilantism was dying, and good riddance. Someone would always call, or visit the talk shows and would either be doctors and psychologists that would talk about how they were all sick in the head, or victims who had stories about the brutality of some heroes, like Rorschach or the Comedian. Those were the worst. They never brought up Daniel up in those shows; in fact, no one never even mentioned him except one offhand comment by one psychologist that if they'd only give up their masks, some of them might make it out normal. Dan wondered if that was a compliment or not.
This general mood of disillusionment and dissatisfaction leaked into his daylight persona as well, and it was only a matter of time before Hollis noticed.
"All right, Danny boy, what's going on with you?" Hollis finally asked one night after five minutes of Daniel staring disconsolately into his bottle of beer, "And no funny business either. I may be an old man, but I'm not blind," He added firmly.
Dan flushed, "I'm sorry, Hollis. I- I'm not entirely good company tonight, maybe I should just--" He made a move to stand up and walk out, but Hollis stopped him.
"Not so fast there, son," Hollis said in a no-nonsense, I'm-the-boss tone of voice, "I can tell you want to talk, and that something's bothering you. Talk to me, will ya?"
The words hit Dan hard not so much because someone was finally asking him what was going on, but that those words (though paraphrased) were basically the exact words he'd pleaded to Rorschach just a few weeks ago. God, what was he becoming, anyway?
Daniel sat down, "I'm sorry. Really, I'm just… having a hard time with things right now."
"Fighting crime, you mean?" Hollis asked kindly.
"People hate us now, Hollis!" Dan burst out, finally giving in to the urge to tell him everything, "People hate us and our whole team's going to hell and my own partner's falling apart in time with the city and I can't do a damn thing to stop either one of them and I hate it!" Daniel slammed a fist down on the table in frustration before sagging in the chair, "And I don't know what to do anymore, Hollis. And the worst thing is, is that sometimes," He swallowed hard, not looking at his mentor, "Sometimes I don't want to do this anymore. Sometimes I think things might be easier being just Daniel Dreiberg."
"Well, hell son," Hollis' voice was affectionately sympathetic, "I can sympathize with that." Daniel looked up at him hopefully.
"You can?"
Hollis gave him an exasperated look, "Well, sure Danny. I retired too remember? I can understand when you feel like you've done all you can do. You can't give your whole soul to a city that won't appreciate it. It's not healthy, and nothing good will come of it, take it from me." Daniel watched as his mentor's face grew sad and dark and distant, creased with the cares that Daniel was beginning to understand himself. He sighed.
"What am I gonna do Hollis?" He didn't feel ashamed at how small and upset his voice sounded. It was Hollis, so it was okay.
Hollis sighed and leaned back in his chair, "Well, I know you're not gonna like this answer, Danny boy, but that's up to you. You gotta do what you think is right, no matter what. That's the most important thing, Daniel," Hollis shifted forward in his seat, clearly wanting Daniel to understand him, "You've always gotta do what's right. You understand me?"
Daniel nodded, "Yeah. I understand. I guess I wish it was more obvious what the right thing was."
Hollis smiled wryly and clapped Daniel's shoulder, "I know. Trust me, I know. But just remember, you gotta think about what's right for you too. It's not worth it to pour your blood and tears into a lost cause. And I don't just mean the city." Hollis gave Daniel a significant look. Daniel's eyes widened.
"But Hollis--"
"Daniel, I know what's going on with your partner," Hollis' eyes were crinkled with sadness and worry, "I've seen it with masks and I've seen it with cops. There comes to a point where there's nothing more you can do. And you give so much of yourself that between the city and your partner, there's not gonna be anything left."
Daniel sagged in his seat, rubbing his eyes with closed fists. "I'm tired, Hollis." He said simply.
"Then take a rest," Hollis responded kindly, "There's no shame in resting."
"No," Daniel agreed, smiling, "But there is some shame in leaving a friend to hurt by himself. And not finishing a job."
"Danny--"
"No, it's okay, Hollis," Dan interrupted, "When the city decides once and for all it no longer wants us around, I'll go. And Rorschach's not all gone yet, he's hurting and really messed up, but he's not just my partner, he's my friend. And it wouldn't be very heroic to abandon someone who needs help."
"You know there's gonna be a time when he doesn't want your help either," Hollis reminded him carefully.
"Well," Dan said quietly, "I'll think about that when it happens. But until then, I'm gonna try to be there for him, he needs it."
Hollis scrutinized him for a moment, and then leaned back in the chair and chuckled, "You know, you're a better Nite Owl than I ever was."
Daniel stared, a flush creeping up his neck, "That's not true," he stammered, "You were a great Nite Owl. Why would you say that?"
"Because," the look of pride on Hollis' face made Daniel blush harder, "You do what heroes should do: you put yourself at the end of the line. But that can't go on forever, Daniel. It's too much for any one person."
Daniel nodded, "I know. I told you, when things fall apart, I'll do what I have to do. But until then, I have to keep it up. For as long as I'm needed."
Hollis nodded, "Okay Danny. That's all anyone can ask." He chuckled, "Maybe you can get your partner to retire too when the time comes."
Dan looked sad, "I think," he said slowly, "after I retire, he'll never speak to me again."
The admission hurt Daniel more than he cared to admit.
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A/N: AW DAN. :( Sad Dan is sad. So yeah, totally wasn't expecting Hollis to come in, but I figured it was kind of unacceptable to have over twenty chapters and no Hollis. Anyways, I hope this chapter wasn't too choppy-voiced because half of it I wrote with no idea what was going on and the other half I wrote when I had the Worst. Day. Ever. Don't even know. It was miserable, so I tried to transmute my weariness into Dan's little head (sorry, baby) and give you this. Oh yeah, an OMG IMPORTANT chapter is next. D: