Author's Notes: HI. This is a chapter based on The Fray's "How to Save a Life". It's an amazing song and I tried very hard to capture the mood of the song with this chapter. I wrote this one fairly early on too, so it's really weird to be at this point. Hope you like it.
Warning: SAD.
I do not own Watchmen, or The Fray or "How to Save a Life". Or anything else you recognize. The angst, however, is mine.
29. How to Save a Life
It was dusk. Getting dark, but not so much so that it was time for patrol. Dan had asked Rorschach to meet him at this time, that it was important. Dan took another deep breath, willing his stomach to calm down and his heart to stop pounding. He couldn't mess this up, this was the only chance he would have to figure this shit out and he knew it. Any opportunity was precious and Dan wasn't about to waste one. Behind him, there was a barely perceptible creak from the door to announce Rorschach's arrival. Dan closed his eyes and took one more deep, steadying breath before facing his partner.
"Hey." Daniel greeted, hoping he looked as serious as he felt; he wanted Rorschach to know that he wasn't going to put up with any bullshit tonight, "We need to talk. No arguments."
Rorschach looked taken aback by Dan's assertive manner and nodded once, saying nothing.
Daniel was really getting sick of the silence.
Even so, he allowed himself to relax marginally-- so far, so good. Except that Rorschach was still just standing there, still and as impassive as a statue. As Jon. Dan barely restrained a shudder, "You can sit down, Rorschach," his nerves, stretched thin already, made him chuckle, even though he didn't think things could get any less funny, "It's just a talk."
Rorschach considered him warily for a moment before slowly sitting at the kitchen table. Still watching him as though he'd never seen Dan before in his life and was evaluating the possibility of danger. Struggling, no-- needing, to find some sense of familiarity in this strange new creature, Dan tried on a smile that turned out more polite than friendly and Rorschach stared at him more out of suspicious than anything else. Like it was he who had turned strange, and that it was Rorschach who was suddenly and terribly wary of his own partner.
In a window to Dan's right, the sky was getting darker; he had less time than he had thought. Suddenly, with the pressure of time and sanity weighing on his shoulders, he felt doubt. Why was he doing this? Prying was never one of Dan's strong suits, preferring to leave well enough alone and nosing around in Rorschach's business never ended well and this whole thing had "BAD PLAN" written all over it and-
"Said you needed to see me. Said it was important. Should get to it Daniel, have patrol to do."
It was the voice that did it. That reminded him why exactly he felt compelled to do this thing. The voice, raw and monotonous and full of ash and broken glass, was what reminded him that whomever it was sitting before him, it was not his partner. This would have to be his business too if he ever wanted to get his friend back. Dan took a deep breath and began to talk. He'd planned for hours what he was going to say, how he was going to enumerate what was wrong, what had been wrong, what was going wrong even as he stood there. Things that he'd said at the moment they were happening, sure, but now they were more articulate and less tinged with shock and fear. He listed how Rorschach had become quiet, withdrawn, angry, violent, and vicious; all of which he'd been before, only now more so. How he seemed indifferent toward the victims they'd rescue, something that never happened before. How all of the things that used to upset him didn't even seem to touch the surface anymore. How he didn't want to shake his hand anymore. And how now, apparently, it was okay to kill. He didn't want to think about that. Not even now in the bright domesticity of his kitchen.
When he had finished, his voice was raw and tinged with desperation and fear. He stared pleadingly at Rorschach, praying to whatever deity that may exist to govern the insignificant lives of men that his broken partner had heard what he was trying to say.
"All these observations are true. Trust there's a point?" Rorschach rasped, his broken-glass voice grating against the last of Dan's reserve.
"The point is… that it scares me," Dan admitted, looking at the table, "You aren't… you anymore. A-and I think I know why." Rorschach was staring at him intently, blood was rushing in Dan's ears, "Rorschach, what happened in the Roche case?"
Rorschach was a statue in the chair, fists clenched, shoulders trembling slightly. However, Dan was more relieved than frightened at this point. An emotional response was reassuring. Dan took a deep breath. This was the tricky part: somehow maneuver around Rorschach's barriers he'd so meticulously erected without giving his partner any room to escape in the justifications that flowed so freely from his partner. It'd be less heartbreaking if Rorschach hadn't believed every excuse he'd ever given Daniel.
"Look," Dan was secretly impressed with how steady he was able to keep his voice, "Rorschach. I can figure out what happened. Even if you never told me outright. And… I've been there, you know? I've been on some pretty awful cases and I understand--"
Rorschach growled. "Understand? Hrn. No Daniel. You do not understand." He tilted his monochromatic face to meet Dan's and suddenly Daniel had the terrifying notion that if Rorschach took off his mask, there wouldn't be anything under there, "You see the grotesque actions of city's depraved, but are too weak to take final actions. Pretend to… empathize with victims, but fail to realize that they are forever tainted. Marked by the lust for violence, or skin, or the greed of the scum you refuse to deliver final punishment to. Instead, choose to leave them in the hands of a corrupt force that holds members as filthy as the scum they apprehend. Delude yourself into thinking that the thanks you receive is what makes the job worthwhile. Not so. It is the thankless task of being the city's barrier against madness and disease. Don't need thanks. Not a whore, doing job for payment. We are final judgment. No retribution without final vengeance. Cannot compromise Daniel. Cannot."
Daniel looked at his friend and he was pretty sure he wanted to cry for this man who was so broken, "Rorschach." He spoke clearly and quietly, afraid to let too much emotion in his voice lest he drive his friend away, "What you're doing, it doesn't end well. You're going to die out there if you keep this up. That mask will eat you alive and it will break you." If it hasn't already, but Dan refused to believe that just yet, "I don't want that to happen to you. You're my partner. Hell, you're my best friend." Please, please.
Dan held his breath as his partner sat in silence. He figured there were two ways this would play out from this point. Rorschach could break down, admit Dan was right, tell him what happened and they would start to heal.
This was the least likely.
More likely, Rorschach would say, in one way or another, that he just wasn't the same and Dan would just have to deal with it. Leave it to Rorschach to do the unexpected.
"Can see my tactics disturb you, Daniel." Rorschach growled finally, "Disappointing. But not totally unexpected. Don't need to expect me anymore. Justice can be dispensed separately as well." With that, he was up out of the chair and down into the shadows of the basement before Dan could blink the shock from his mind. Dan stared in absolute and utter disbelief before punching the doorframe, cursing furiously. Fuck, what had he done wrong? He had said everything carefully, honestly, he'd tried to understand and all that had happened is he'd finally lost his partner and closest friend. As a wave of crushing loneliness washed over him, Daniel wondered why Rorschach had even come early anyways.
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A/N: *headdesk * Okay, so there's that. And I don't think these'll come as quickly update-wise compared to the older chapters, just so you know. It… takes me being in a specific mindset (namely, pissed, or upset, or depressed) or they come out really fake. And I'm trying to keep them as real as possible. I will make an honest attempt to keep it up regularly, but to tell the truth, they're kind of exhausting when I do them right and weekly angst is… hard I guess. :P But, don't worry, the gaps won't be huge and this will get finished! I swear it! Thank you for your continuing support of my fic, as always.