Once again, I am utterly overwhelmed by your response! There were so many reviews that I couldn't answer them... I promise I read every single one though. Also? All of your author and story adds were incredible. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!
Now the reason this is a little late is because I've been on vacation this week so I was a little lax with the writing... sorry.
Major thanks to DeJeanSmith who took time away from house guests for this chapter. And, thank you to HollettLA who took the time to teach me the proper way to spell psychiatrist. Apparently I like to spell it so badly that spell check doesn't even bother to scan it. Huh, go fig!
I don't own, I just play.
Chapter 3, Pickle Soup
BPOV
The very second I refused a drink, they'd know. There was no way around it. I figured I had from the time I sat down to the time our waiter arrived to steel myself for their assault. I was hoping I'd be there first, but when I saw Jake sitting at our table, iPhone in hand, typing away, I had to change my plan. I was banking on a few minutes where I could psych myself up, give myself a pep-talk or something... but the universe had other ideas.
I raised my head, threw my shoulders back, and walked toward Jake with my best I'm-the-shit-and-I-know-it walk. It didn't work. It really, really didn't work.
"Uh-uh, Ms. Thing. I ain't buying that shit. You better sit down and tell me what's wrong before I bribe it out of you."
I tried to keep it together, I really did. I thought the tears were finished. I thought I was all cried out. But as soon as my ass dropped into the chair, the first tear came. By the time I had put my bag on the floor, they couldn't be stopped. Jake's entire aura changed. He went from sassy to motherly in a blink of an eye. Great, I thought, even my gay bestie is more maternal that I am. Of course, that only made me cry harder.
"Oh, Bells, come here, sugar."
As Jake pulled me into his arms, I was puddle of tears and snot again for the millionth time. Of course, this time I didn't have to hide or turn on the bathroom faucet to hide my turmoil. I hated hiding my fears from Edward, but he was so blissed-out recently that I didn't have the heart to rain on his parade. With Jake, all I had to do was let him hold me. There was no guilt, no fear, just his arms and his welcoming warmth to soothe me. When I felt two more sets of arms wrap around me, I melted and let my friends squeeze.
"Why are we hugging it out?" asked Rose, confused.
"I don't know, bb, but Bells needed it whatever the reason," Jake said simply.
It didn't matter to them why I was crying. They were there for me nonetheless. It was a peaceful thought. Eventually, I let my tears dry up and took my time reveling in their ignorance. I was sure once they knew there would be rounds of "Why are you crying? Why aren't you happy?" But just then, the silent embrace was all I wanted.
I felt their arms come away in layers. Soon enough, I was blowing my nose, wiping my face, and sitting upright on my own steam. Three sets of concerned eyes met mine. Breaking the awkwardness, the waiter stopped by asking for our drink order.
"Well, I think we're all in need of some alcohol. Four lychee belinis please!" Rose ordered happily.
And then the moment I was dreading came. Just as the waiter was leaving, I cleared my throat and had to speak up.
"Actually, umm..."
"Yes?" the waiter asked, smiling.
"Make it three bellinis and one ginger ale, please."
He nodded and walked away. I kept my eyes away from my circle of friends for as long as I could before I finally looked. Yup, just as I thought. They were all looking at me, and they all knew exactly what was going on.
"You going to start talking or should we?" asked Rose, ever the go-getter.
"I'm pregnant. I only found out a few days ago. I missed my period and I took a pregnancy test. Edward found me in the bathroom crying over the damn thing and took me to the doctor. It's official, we're having a baby," I said unenthusiastically.
There was a painful silence. Thankfully, the drinks arrived. I took several long sips of my soda trying to distract myself before Jake said something.
"Bella, and sugar, there's no judging here, but why aren't you happier about this?"
They didn't know. They couldn't know because I had never told them. I never told them about my mother. I never told them that I ran from home trying to escape her memory. The only people in the whole word who knew were Charlie, Sue, and Edward. It was in that moment that I realized I had to tell them everything. If for no other reason than I'd need them in the coming months. I had Edward, of course, but he wouldn't be enough. I'd need Jake's inappropriate jokes and wonderful hugs. I'd need Rose's straightforwardness and fire. And I'd definitely need Alice's endless enthusiasm and joy.
There was no good way to start the conversation so I dove in.
"I moved here because my mother committed suicide when I was 22. None of us knew she was depressed. It was a shock and it ruined me. I ran away and came to New York. I hadn't gone back to Santa Fe until Edward took me."
There was an expected silence as everything I said sank in. When the silence stretched longer than I thought it would, I got worried.
"I'm sorry I never told you guys. I never planned on anyone knowing, really. Edward just... well Edward saw the pain in me. I guess he recognized it."
"Bella, we're not angry with you." Rose piped in first. "I think we're just digesting it, but also? God, I wish you had told us earlier. We could have helped somehow, I just know it."
"I know. Well anyway, I know that now. That's why I had to tell you guys, so that you'd understand."
"Understand what?" Jake, asked.
"Why I'm so anxious."
"Anxious about what?" Alice asked.
"I'm nervous about becoming a mom, guys. It's not something I ever saw for myself. I never wanted this. I'm not sure I want this now, actually."
"Does Edward know all this?" Alice continued.
"Yeah. We went to the doctor together; we discussed everything. The bottom line is, I can't say no to him. If you were there, if you saw his face when he found out he was going to be a father… I can't take that away from him."
"Bella, you're more important to him than anything. If you really don't want this, you have to be honest with him."
"I want this; I just want this for him. Does that make sense?"
"Bella, this isn't like buying a car you don't want. This is forever. This is a kid, for Christ's sake!" Rose stated, heatedly.
"Don't you think I fucking know that, Rose? Shit, I've been crying myself to sleep every night terrified that I'm making the wrong fucking decision." I seethed. "I don't need more goddamn doubt from you three, I need some fucking reassurance. SHIT!" I yelled a little more loudly than I wanted to.
I stood up so quickly, I knocked over the ginger ale. As I watched it drip onto my suede purse, the tears came again. The old adage about spilled milk had met its adversary in a pregnant woman's hormones.
"Okay, okay, let's just everyone calm down, here," Jake said, pulling my bag away from the dripping soda. "Bella, sit down, please."
"I need the bathroom," I said miserably, through my tears.
As I walked to the ladies room, I unraveled even further. The enormity of the situation hadn't lessened. I sat on the toilet, crying. I got up and walked to the sink still crying. A sympathetic woman washing her hands asked me if I was all right. I nodded and told her I was pregnant.
"The hormones are a bitch, it gets easier, though, promise. Is there someone I can get for you?"
She asked, compassionately. I thanked her, but told her my friends were waiting for me outside. She nodded and dried her hands before leaving me blessedly alone. I looked at my puffy, red, tired face in the mirror. It did jack shit for my confidence, and then I started crying again because I looked and felt like shit. I was actually wondering if someone could dehydrate from crying too much when I heard the door open. I tried to hide my face.
"Don't try hiding from us," I heard Alice say, "we know where you live."
I looked up to se Alice, Rose, and even Jake leaning against the sinks.
"I'm sorry, Bella." Rose said, looking incredibly upset with herself.
"Me too," I sighed, letting the tears stop, "I shouldn't have snapped at you. In my defense, though, these goddamned hormones are messing with my head."
"Let's start from the top, okay?" Alice said.
"Okay," I answered.
"First and foremost, OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNTIE!"
As the little alien launched herself toward me, all I could do was brace for impact. When her spiky blue hair was nestled into my chest and her arms wrapped around my torso, I let myself smile - genuinely - for the first time in a long time. When she finally let go, we went back to our table to find our food waiting. I was starving and dove right in.
Once I had some food in my belly, we talked some more. I told them about my fears, but also about my determination. Jake reassured me, as had Edward, that I was not my mother. Rose went a step further.
"I think I speak for everyone when I say that if you needed us to, we'd all cram onto a psychiatrist's couch with you if you asked us to. You have more than just Edward to lean on here, Bella. We're with every step of the way, okay?"
Nods all around. I was surprised but incredibly touched.
"We're not going to let you be afraid of anything," Rose continued. I wished with everything in my being that she was right.
***BB&B***
The first thing I noticed when I walked through the door was a heavenly smell. I knew immediately that Lydia was making one of her soups. When I lifted the ridiculous food embargo that Edward had issued years ago the first time Lydia tried to cook for him, she went to town with the cooking. Turned out she loved cooking but very rarely was able to cook for more than herself. She relished making all the traditional dishes that she normally only made for the holidays. I mean really, if the woman wanted to cook incredible food for us, who the hell were we to deny her?
When I walked into the kitchen, Lydia was standing at the stove, one hand on her hip, the other stirring something in a giant pot.
"Lydia, that smells amazing! What is it?"
"Is Zupa Ogorkowa." "In English?" I asked, hopefully. Sometimes she could translate, sometimes she couldn't.
"Is soup with pickles... no, is not right. Is pickle soup."
"Pickle soup? Really?"
"Yes. Is very, very traditional soup for womens when they are pregnant."
I stopped dead in my tracks. How did she know? Did she know?
"I find test in bin. Who you think clean bathrooms?" she said, amused at the shocked look on my face.
"Right, of course. We should have just told you, though."
"Is all right," she answered.
Standing in the kitchen, two women and a pot of soup, I realized something. I didn't have my own mother anymore, Sue was in Santa Fe (also, we hadn't told them, yet). I wasn't close to Edward's mother at all, but I did have Lydia, and Lydia was a mother three times over - four times, if you included Edward… five if you included me, too. I leaned on the island in the middle of the kitchen, watching her stir the soup and built up the courage to ask her what I needed to know the most.
"Lydia, how do you bea mother?" I asked somewhat awkwardly.
She stopped stirring, turned to face me and put the cover on the pot, askew. She wiped her hands on her apron and studied me for a moment.
"I think we need tea, yes? You sit."
I went to the table and sat, watching Lydia effortlessly float around the kitchen prepping our tea. When the steaming cup was placed in front of me, Lydia sat, a cup of tea for herself in her hands. After a few sips, she placed the cup down and looked at me.
"I think your real mother is gone, yes?"
"Yes, she left me almost ten years ago." I chuckled darkly at how touching that sounded before I spoke up again. "Actually, she committed suicide when I was twenty-two."
Lydia sighed deeply.
"Is so much sadness here. You, Edward, all the ghosts. So much sadness. This is why you and Edward find each other, I think."
"I think so, too," I said as I smiled a small smile.
"Bella, is no right way to be mother."
"That's it? No advice, nothing?"
"You make mistakes. You learn. You learn, then you know that when baby cry like this, is hungry. You know that when baby look like that, is tired."
"What if I can't learn? What if I make the same mistakes over and over? What if my baby hates me?"
"Is not possible. Bella, is not possible."
Hearing it from her, I could almost let myself believe it.
"Bella, you bring Edward to life again. You, only you. Before was sad and dark and angry. Not me, not Alice, nothing help Edward but you. Is because of your heart that Edward is strong again."
She placed her hand on my chest.
"You."
She pulled her hand back.
"Is so much love inside you and Edward. So much light now. Baby will be full of all this light. So you make mistakes. You learn."
"What if what happened to my mother happens to me?"
"I don't know why your mother go. But this does not matter. It does not matter, yes? What matter is you are here. You have love, you have family, and you make mistakes and you learn. You make mistake with Edward, and you learn. Your mother die, and you learn. Is most important that you not stop learning. Understand?"
Somewhat. I hadn't let the mistakes of my past stop me or kill me. I could have, though. I could have given up. Instead I moved forward, even if it was slowly.
"When baby comes, you will see how much love you have. You not understand how much you have in heart until you hold baby for first time. I know. You trust me, now."
With a wink of the eye and satisfied nod, she stood up and went to her pot on the stove.
"You want soup?"
All I could do was smile and nod yes. Soup seemed to be the final answer for any problem in Lydia's world.
EPOV
As I approached the kitchen, I could hear Bella's appreciative moans. I knew that moan; it was her food moan. It was the moan set aside for really good Dan Dan Noodles and Lydia's soups. Sure enough, when I stepped into the kitchen, Bella was inhaling a bowl of something steamy at the kitchen table.
"Smells good, what's on the menu?" I asked, making my presence known.
"Pickle soup. It's what pregnant Polish women eat," Bella stated between slurps.
"Pregnant?" I asked carefully, not sure if she had told Lydia and not wanting to step over any boundaries that she and I hadn't really discussed yet.
"Lydia knows, Edward. She cleans the bathrooms."
"Oh, right."
I threw Bella a look silently asking if that was okay. When she nodded and smiled, I let out a breath.
"You want soup, Edward?" Lydia asked.
"Sure, why not?"
I sat down at the table and was handed a bowl of soup that looked odd but smelled amazing. Not surprisingly, the herb-infused, salty and savory stuff was delicious, too.
"So, I told the gang at brunch today. Well, that's not entirely accurate. When I didn't join them in our regular routine of drinking with some food sprinkled in, they kind of figured it out."
"And?" I asked tentatively.
"I told them everything. About Renee, about my anxiousness, everything."
"How did they take it all?"
"Not so great, then amazingly," she said, a dazzling smile gracing her lips.
"They were wonderful about it all in the end, Edward. Alice is particularly thrilled about being an auntie. She almost crushed my ribs," she continued, laughing at the memory.
Laughing. Bella was laughing. It was the most wonderful sight. I hadn't seen her laugh with honesty for almost a week. It was an exquisite sight. A hopeful sight, too. I knew she still had her doubts, no matter how many times I told her she had nothing to worry about. I told her daily what an amazing mom I was sure she would be. Maybe, with a little help from friends, she could learn to believe it.
A/N
No, I've never had pickle soup. It is a real thing, though - it is a traditional Polish soup for pregnant women.I know it sounds odd, but the recipe actually looked nice. I'll have to try it once and report back you all.
Reviews are like friends who will go to the doctor with you no questions asked. Oh, and laughter.