Disclaimers, acknowledgements, notes, warnings, etc: Please see Chapter 01.
ooooooo
The Sound of Music Chronicles
Part I
The Twelfth Governess
Chapter 38
Decipher me or I shall devour you
ooo
"Without music life would be a mistake."
Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
ooo
"Are we not formed, as notes of music are,
For one another, though dissimilar?"
Percy Bysshe Shelley
ooo
The worst had happened.
The fact that the worst was that she was just told to pack her things and return to the Abbey immediately still defied an explanation.
As disturbing as it was, Maria just had to recognize that Nonnberg was beginning to appear less like a safe harbor and more like a gilded cage to her. It was not a very nice feeling, like if the ground was disappearing beneath her feet. She felt… rejected, first by the nuns and now by a fine Austrian family. Well, at least by the insufferable, impossible, pig-headed man who was the head of the family – she couldn´t think of enough adjectives to apply to Captain von Trapp, none of them very flattering.
The sad remaining truth was that if the religious world did not want her, neither did the secular world with all its intricate rules of behavior and all the unexpected emotional turmoil. She had lived most of her life with the certainty that the life in a cloister was the right one for her, the only one for her. Why did she feel so sad because she was being sent back to it, to the place she had never wanted to leave in the first place?
"It is the house," she thought. "It must be the house… What can I do, I´m only human after all!"
It did not matter that she was destined to live an ascetic life. Maria did not think that anyone would not be impressed by it, least of all someone like her, who had never lived comfortably before. As shallow as it may appear, she would miss having a bedroom of her own with – the luxuries of all luxuries – a bathroom of her own as well. She would miss having two dresses to choose from. Yet, it was not the small comforts that the wealthy von Trapps provided her she would miss. She would miss the sheer beauty of the villa and its surroundings, of those gardens, the gazebo where she used to go whenever she had a moment to herself to read or write her thoughts on her journal; or to simply think about how wonderfully interesting life was when you had a challenge to face. In the future, she was certain that there would be days when she would wake up wondering why she wasn´t smelling coffee and freshly baked bread, because those were the scents she usually woke up to at the villa.
She had spent only three weeks in that house, with those children and until the Captain said those dismissive words to her, she had no idea how much she was going to miss everything about it - most importantly, the affection of those seven children.
Oh yes, she would do just fine without a bathroom of her own, without a beautiful garden or a gazebo where she could read, write or meditate. However, there had to be much more to the whole experience the Reverend Mother had sent her to than just that, more than just having a little taste of what it was like to live in the lap of luxury. Perhaps that was the reason why she had never felt so depressed before in her life – she hadn´t fulfilled her mission. Being sent back to the convent in such an abrupt, harsh manner had indeed been the worst thing that ever happened to her. The inner joy she had felt when she heard the children singing in a way that had been more than enough to impress their distant father had been overshadowed by his parting words to her.
It wasn´t like she had a choice in the matter. She could not just walk to him and demand that he keep her in his service. If the Captain wanted her out of his sight, if his decision was final, her only alternative would be to leave immediately. She was nothing to him, nothing at all. Realistically, she had to acknowledge that to him she was even less than the other members of the household staff, some of which came from families that had worked for the von Trapps for several generations. In a week or two, they would completely forget her existence. She would only be a number to them – the twelfth governess.
Gloomily, she realized that she had allowed herself to be carried away by the fairy tale, the illusion of having a family of her own, a beautiful house surrounded by a breathtaking landscape – something that she had always dreamed about in secret. Now everything had vanished in thin air, like a cloud of smoke. The pain wasn´t like anything she had ever felt.
"Now, you will pack your things this minute and return to the Abbey."
"All right," she shrugged, compliantly.
Well, he was right about one thing – she had so few belongings that she could finish her packing in that same minute if she so wished. She would scurry past him and her fast legs would carry her to her bedroom where she would grab her few possessions. Then, she would be out of the house before the children could finish their song.
It wasn´t, however, what she chose to do. There was one more thing she had to do, something she had to witness with her own eyes.
Her one, small victory.
There was one final thing she needed to convince herself of before she left for good: that the few weeks she had spent with the children had not been in vain, that she had accomplished something, even if that something was the slightest glimmer of pride in their father's eyes.
Swallowing a huge lump in her throat – something that she did not remember feeling since she had left the house of her foster parents when she was fifteen -, Maria watched the Captain walking away from her and into the house. He never looked back, and she was glad that he did not – she feared that she would crumble if he did, so fragile was her self control in those first moments. He looked even taller and unapproachable, if possible. It was enough to make her wonder why on earth she still thought of him as devilishly handsome, even after he had treated her so badly.
The only thing she could do was to resort to her good old optimism and try to see the positive side of things. In her mind, she desperately searched for it, until she found it.
"He called you Captain. Even in his anger, he respected you somehow."
Yes, that was true, but Captain von Trapp would always be a puzzle to her. How could it be otherwise – he was utterly impossible to read. He was a master in the art keeping his thoughts and emotions to himself just as she was a master in the fine art of… climbing trees. Captain von Trapp was puzzle that she would never be able to solve, and, quite frankly, no longer had any wish to do so, even though she would remain forever curious.
What was it that the Sphinx said to King Oedipus?
"Decipher me or I shall devour you."
The exact words she did not remember, but she remember that they meant that if the king did not solve the puzzle, the Sphinx would kill and devour him. It was like it had felt to her, although she sensed that Captain von Trapp would devour her whether she deciphered him or not. All she had to do would be to cross his path again.
Well, Maria hadn´t been able to solve the riddle that was Captain von Trapp. She wasn´t certain that it was a bad thing at all, because something told her that he was a dangerous puzzle to solve, that her life would never be the same if she went that far. She was just too unsophisticated and perhaps a little too naïve to deal with the complexities of his character. The extent of his grief was something incomprehensible to her. She had not been able to convince him that his children needed his love and attention more than anything in the world – even a new mother. Like the Sphinx, he had been merciless, by punishing her in "the worst" possible way.
Resigned to her fate, all she wanted to do now was just what she had been told: to go upstairs, pack her meager belongings and leave immediately.
Oh she was sure it would all pass, that awful anguish and that strange heartache. Once she was in the Abbey, protected by the Mother Abbess's gentle guidance, she would forget everything else and start focusing in her future as a cloistered Benedictine nun again. Maybe she had learned enough to be able to curb her tongue in order to avoid the infamous kissing the floor punishment with Sister Berthe… As soon as she was back to her old routine again, "the worst" would not feel like "the worst" anymore, but "the best". She would be able to move on towards her chosen path in life with another valuable lesson learned. That meant that she could defeat the Sphinx after all! If it was a fact that they would forget her, then it could also be true that she would forget them as well. It would be sad, but it would be better this way, safer for her peace of mind.
Encouraged by that thought, Maria smiled, and raised her eyes to the man that was about to stride into the house.
The Captain ran to the sound of the children's singing, she merely walked, slowly, following him several steps behind, savoring the sound of their voices, bracing herself for his reaction when he saw them. Somewhere deep inside her mind, she knew that she should have walked around the house and use the servant's door in the back, considering, most of all, the fact that her still dripping wet dress would make a mess in the elegant foyer of the Trapp Villa. It was too late to start caring about that anyway.
"What can he say that is worse than he has already said, not only to me, but to his children?" she asked herself. He certainly could not fire her again for ruining his spotless marble floors or his Persian carpets, not anymore.
When she finally reached the door to the drawing room, Maria could hardly believe her eyes – or her ears. Even in her first days in Aigen, when she still felt she could conquer the world with the sound of her voice and the children's voices, even then she would not have been able to imagine something like this. The children were there, standing in a choir. Their appearance was flawless enough to pass muster in a military inspection, their sailor suites impeccable, their hair neatly combed. Her heart was swelling with pride, and she could only hope that if their father would be proud of them in that moment as well – that is, if he had a heart too. Even if he was proud of them, he would never admit it.
Maria was proven wrong almost instantly – just another indication of how complex her employer was. To her dismay, he was doing much more than just confessing that he was proud of his children.
Captain Georg von Trapp was singing!
"I go to the hills
When my heart is lonely.
I know I will hear
What I heard before.
My heart will be blessed
With the sound of music
And I'll sing once more."
He was singing with the children!
More precisely, to the children, because the seven of them were so astounded that at first that at first they did nothing but stare mutely at him.
It was not only had the fact that he had joined the children in song amazed her, but the fact that his voice was not bad at all. Her jaw dropped in frank admiration, all of her worries forgotten. Naturally he was probably much better at sinking enemy ships, shouting orders to his crew, or – as she had heard innumerous times from different sources – playing the piano. He was certainly an expert in terrorizing governesses – the children had undoubtedly learned from a master, and worse, they had inherited his genes. His singing, however, was good enough to impress her, or, at least, to provoke some very interesting feelings.
The infuriating sea captain had yelled and barked at her. He had applied a few very unflattering, polysyllabic adjectives to her person. He had mocked the path she had chosen for her life, and had dared to compare it to the discipline he imposed upon his children. Not even Sister Berthe, in her worst moments of anger, had treated her like that.
Yet…
There was an indisguisable softness in his deep, grave voice when he sang that she had never heard before in the few occasions when he had spoken to her when his tone was usually harsh and clipped. Well, the pitch was not exactly perfect, it needed some work, she noted knowingly. He was still a bit hesitant, and that was probably due to the fact that he hadn't used his vocal chords for singing in a very long time.
"I could fix that," she thought, proudly.
She would know exactly what to do, and she would do it well.
"If he would only let me… A few exercises and maybe he would be good enough to sing at the Festspiele. Oh Maria, what are you thinking? You, helping Captain von Trapp improve his vocal skills when he made clear enough that he never wanted to see your face again? Worse, imagining Captain von Trapp performing in the stage of a musical festival! No, he would laugh in your face if you as much suggested this ludicrous idea. He would start by calling it ridiculous, preposterous, unthinkable, or any other one of those long words he seems to be so fond of!"
In spite of it all, it was, first and foremost still the sight of a father singing with his children, a father who had distanced himself from them because of the depth of his grief that tugged at her heart, and made her leave her own anger aside. Tears that she was fighting so hard to repress threatened to fall.
"No! I will not cry in this house, no matter what happens," she whispered to herself.
Perhaps it was petty of her, but she also did not wish to give him the pleasure of seeing her losing her precarious emotional balance and succumbing to tears. It would be just what he would have expected of a sentimental female such as herself. No, she would not give him the pleasure, the ultimate victory – that is, if she ever had a chance to face him again before leaving. She doubted, nonetheless, that he would grant her another second of his time, whether she asked for it or not.
But it was too late – he had already seen her by the door. She tried to hide, but just wasn't quick enough, not for a man trained to see what he wanted to see. She had to flee while she still could.
Running up the stairs, Maria disappeared through the hallway that led to her bedroom before he could catch her.