16.
It was another rain day in Forks. I was thankful for the clouds hiding the sun as we rode silently home from the dance studio. We had our last day of practice before the big show in five days and I could tell all the kids were getting nervous. I had forgotten how exciting a performance like this was, even for me as a teacher. With everything that had happened the past two nights, it felt odd slowing down and going back to normal life.
John hadn't said a word to me since he'd woken up at 11 this morning. I wasn't sure if he was ignoring me on purpose or if it just happened that we didn't see each other. I glanced at the clock on the dash: 5:36. I would have to pull myself together and ask him what was on his mind, even though I was absolutely positive I wouldn't like his answer.
Alice and Esme were chatting together softly in the front seat. They had noticed my silence and left me to my thoughts. When we pulled up in the garage, they walked straight to the house. Alice turned around to smile at me before she disappeared through the door. I let out a sigh.
"Here we go," I muttered.
The door to the cabin creaked open and I checked the surroundings: no John. I pulled out some chicken and pasta and got busy in the kitchen. At 5 minutes to six, I heard the door creak open and footsteps approaching slowly. There was an additional tap as the crutches hit the floor. When John reached the kitchen, he stopped. After a few minutes of silence, I turned around to face him. We didn't say a word.
He went to wash his hands and came back a few minutes later. Silently he sat in his usual spot as I served him his dinner. I cleaned out the pan and finally turned around. I placed my hands flat on the kitchen counter in front of him. He stopped eating and looked up slowly. We both knew what was coming, but he didn't say anything to start the ball rolling.
Fine. Apparently it was up to me this time. "You haven't said a single word to me since we left that cave. So, what is it, John?"
His hand reached for a napkin and I watched as he slowly wiped his mouth. Before he spoke, he cleared his throat. But then he seemed at a loss for words; his mouth hung open but nothing came out.
Finally he closed it. "That was hard, in the cave. Watching you fight while I had to sit there, helpless, with a broken leg no less." He looked at me, staring at my lips to avoid having to look me in the eye. Slowly he continued. "I don't think it's fair that you have to be the one protecting me all the time."
Immediately warning bells rang in my head. I had thought the conversation might go this way, but actually hearing the words falling from his mouth sent me into shock. "John, please –", I started, but he cut me off.
"Please… let me finish. I still don't know how I feel about this whole," he started as his hands played around the room.
When he didn't finish, I ended it for him. "Vampire thing?"
"Yeah, that," he said nervously. "I still don't know how I feel about it, but I realized, sitting in that cave, that I couldn't let us live two completely different lives."
Again I tried to interrupt, but he stopped me by putting his hand up. "We've been trying to fool ourselves into thinking that our relationship could work, Lisa." He pushed his plate away and stood up, moving around the counter. He pulled my hands into his and turned me to face him. "I don't ever want to be in a situation like that again, where I have to watch you fight to protect me. I want to be the one protecting you, fighting alongside you."
I opened my mouth but all that came out was a mumbled up sound of several words.
"Please, Lisa, I can't live like this anymore." He took a breath and whispered out with it, "Change me."
I pulled away from him. "John, you don't know what you're asking."
"But I do!"
"No, John." His face fell. "I love you, John, so, so much, and I want to spend forever with you, but I don't want to kill you, either."
"You don't want me to be like you?" Hurt stung me with every word.
"No, that's not it. I just don't know if you really want it."
"I do!"
"John. You said yourself you're still not sure about the vampire thing. I think you're stuck in the moment. I don't want you to make a rash decision like this, because this is forever we're talking about."
"I'm not, Lisa."
"But I'm not convinced. Maybe you should sit on this a few more days." I crossed my arms when he tried to reach for my hands again. "Please, John, for me. Just think about it a little longer."
He began to object but I was already making my way to the door. I hadn't been as prepared for this conversation as I would have liked to think.
My blind wandering led me to Alice's door. I knocked softly.
"Come in, Lisa."
I walked in slowly. Alice was sitting on the bed and Jasper was sitting in Alice's 'torture chair', the one she made people sit in as she paraded in front of them, trying out outfits.
Jasper left the room quietly and I made my way to the bed.
"What's wrong, Lisa?"
I was sure she already knew the answer. I fell down on the bed next to her and curled up in a ball. "Alice, it's so terrible."
"I doubt that. Anything can be solved."
"You saw this coming, didn't you?"
She didn't respond for a while. When she did, her voice was extremely quiet. "It was bound to happen one day."
"You could have warned me."
"Would that have prepared you anymore?"
I didn't have to think about the answer to that. "No," I answered like a disgruntled toddler.
Alice scooted closer to me and pulled my head into her lap. She started playing with my hair, combing her fingers through my unruly curls.
"Lisa, you have to understand that he wants this because he loves you."
"Does he, Alice? Does he want this because he loves me or because it'll make him feel more manly?"
"He didn't just ask you because he would like to protect you. He thought this through. He knows how this would change his life."
"Does he?"
"Mmhmm. John isn't stupid."
There was a soft tap on the door and I heard someone move across the floor. Alice nodded to an unspoken question and the person slowly sat down behind me. "Lisa," Edward's voice fell over me like a waterfall of compassion.
The empty feeling that had started in the pit of my stomach grew and I softly let out a groan. Edward put his hand on my shoulder.
Lisa, maybe I can help you.
I sniffled though my nose was dry. Was it like this when Bella asked you to change her?
There was a long pause, before he answered in the affirmative. It's not easy to have the one person you love most in the world want you to willingly take the life they know away from them and give them this… hell.
Is that what you think this is?
Another pause. "Isn't it?"
I shrugged. Maybe.
What are you scared of?
A million possible answers flew through my head, but none of them were really quite right. I don't know.
A pause of complete silence.
I'm scared that he'll be changed and realize what an absolute mistake he has made.
You're scared that he will leave you.
I nodded my head slowly. A sob bubbled up from my throat. The empty feeling in my stomach had taken over my whole body until I felt numb all over. Something was tugging at my heart but I was too scared to identify it. I screamed mentally and heard Edward wince.
Just because you scream mentally doesn't mean it can't hurt my ears.
Sorry.
No, there's no need to apologize. There were a lot worse things going on in my own head when I was in your shoes.
Silence.
I do love him. Another sniffle.
Lisa, let me tell you something. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, changing Bella, but I haven't regretted it. Not even for a second.
We sat in silence. After a few minutes, Edward's hand slowly pulled away from my shoulder and I heard the door shut behind him as he silently left the room. I bit my lip and sniffed again.
Alice was still stroking my hair.
"What happens, Alice? What do I choose?"
She didn't respond for a long time. "Whatever you decide in the end will be the right decision."
I didn't try and fight her for an answer. I closed my eyes and slowly the empty feeling left my body, though my head still felt like a bees' hive.