- Love hath so long possessed me for his own
And made his lordship so familiar. -

(Dante Alighieri)

"Is Jim here? Nyota said he was." Joana looked around as if she was expecting her substitute brother to hide inside a wardrobe or behind a door.

"He went outside to catch some fresh air. He's got a lot to think about right now," Chris told her.

Joana grinned broadly. "Awww… it's about Spock, isn't it? Nyota told me. It's so cute."

"Cute isn't exactly the word I would have used to describe anything that Spock is involved in," Chris muttered.

"Pah. Spock's gorgeous. And you know, I think a big part of that always-logical, unemotional, all-Vulcany stuff is just acting. I bet, Jim could make him blush, if he tried real hard… but then – Jim could probably make everybody blush."

"Oh, I'm sure. Still… Spock is definitely not cute. Puppies are. Little girls with pigtails. Fully grown Vulcans? Hardly."

Joana looked at him, considering this for a moment. "It's okay," she then said, shrugging, "after all, you're not really supposed to think he's cute: you're married."

Chris raised his brows. "Trust me, if I wanted to make your Dad jealous, I'd certainly not do it by flirting with Spock. It would be pointless anyway. Spock wouldn't understand it and Leonard would probably die with laughter."

Leonard, who had just entered the room and heard that last statement, snorted. "I was just trying to imagine the look on Spock's face… maybe one day, when you're really bored, you ought to try it."

"No thanks," Chris replied drily, "I have no desire whatsoever to meet an untimely death by patricide."

Leonard shrugged. "Okay, you may have a point there… anyway, I was about to ask you both when you'd like to have supper."

"Not hungry yet," Joana replied, shaking her head.

"I don't particularly care. And I seriously doubt that Jim will be in the mood for supper anytime soon."

"We could invite Spock," Joana suggested helpfully.

"Let's not push it, shall we? Besides, Spock has just had lunch with Sarek. I doubt that he's up to another meet-the-parents-thing," Leonard said. Then, changing topics to prevent his daughter from coming up with any more creative ideas to "help" Jim and Spock, he asked: "Speaking of Sarek – how was your afternoon?"

"I didn't see Sarek. But I did get to meet Delia. And Nyota told us stories about Delia's Mom and their time at the Academy. Did you know that Jim once had to hide under the bed, because Gaila was afraid Nyota would find out that they were having an affair?" Joana was positively glowing with malicious glee.

Chris raised his eyebrows at Leonard. "She's your daughter alright."

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?" Leonard protested, playfully tackling Chris, who was easily able to defend himself, but didn't try very hard.

Joana laughed as she watched them. "I love you guys. And you're supposed to be grown up…?"

A light breeze was rustling through the blooming lilac trees bordering the southern side of the garden. It carried their scent across the gently curving lawns down- and eastwards to the hammock Joana had put up between the two old basswood trees and where Jim had sat down after strolling back and forth trough the garden, trying to sort out his troubled thoughts. He had not been very successful.

Even though part of his astonishment at the afternoon's disclosure had been faked, he felt agitated enough. Chris had been right of course – Jim's interest in Spock was about as platonic as Nyota's relationship with Scotty – but Jim had been quite comfortable trying to deny it for the past few months. After all, falling for his first officer was out of the question. It was unprofessional, scandalous and quite possibly a health risk.

Jim had never tried to hide the fact that he was seriously impressed by Spock's abilities and that – after some initial misunderstandings had been sorted out – he had started to genuinely like the man. Unfortunately, though, 'like' and 'admire' had by now turned into something far too close to 'love' for his comfort. And while it might have been okay to love Spock like a friend and brother, it was definitely not okay to view him as a potential partner.

Falling in love with a fellow officer was problematic at best. Falling in love with your half-Vulcan SIC was nothing short of emotional suicide. Not to mention that it could very well put a quick end to his career as a Starfleet Captain.

If I admit to being in love with Spock, one of us will have to leave the ship, Jim thought, and since I'm in charge, and sort of responsible for all of them, it had better be me. Spock would make a good captain. In fact, Chris wanted him to become captain initially.

He could not imagine leaving the Enterprise and his crew, though. He could not imagine leaving Spock either. The mere thought of it produced an almost physical pain.

It's never been this bad,Jim reflected, love always was a sort of game… something light and funny and easy, a pleasant distraction, especially when accompanied by good sex… but I've never lost much sleep over it. Sure, I was mad when Carol left – mainly because of the way she left – but other than that, it never caused me much pain.

In hindsight, it felt like some irony of fate that Carol had been jealous of Spock. Maybe even at that time, she had known his heart better than he had known it himself.

A soft cough roused him from his thoughts. He looked up, only to see the object of his musings standing on the lawn a few feet away, watching him from unreadable dark eyes.

"Spock…?" Jim asked, feeling dumbfounded. "How did you get here?"

"I entered by the door," Spock replied serenely. "I met Nyota at my father's house after we returned from having lunch together and she told me I would find you here."

"So… how was lunch with your father…?" Jim asked, trying to focus his mind on polite small talk.

Spock looked at him for a moment as if considering his reply. "I believe the appropriate question would have been: 'Why did you come looking for me in the first place?' But since you asked for my opinion on my meeting with Sarek, I can tell you that it was… enlightening. "

That… sounds a little ominous… especially considering what Chris and Bones said about Sarek knowing of this little charade… I'm so screwed…

Jim swallowed hard. "Let me guess – he's not very happy right now?"

The eyebrow went up, but only a little. "I do not know whether or not my father is happy, but he did appear both amused and concerned at some point during our conversation." Spock paused for a moment, before adding: "He also showed a generous amount of paternal condescension."

"He'd probably get along well with Chris and Bones. Is he mad at me? If he's considering to file a formal complaint with Starfleet Command, I'd rather know about it now."

"I can assure you that is not his intention. In fact, the only sentiment he expressed regarding you was concern for your well-being." Usually the use of such formal language was a sure sign indicating that Spock was embarrassed. The more formal it got, the more uncomfortable he felt. Right now he had to be feeling very uncomfortable, and even though Jim could hardly blame him given their situation, he was starting to get a little annoyed.

"Why?"

It was easy to see that Spock was not happy with such a direct question and would have preferred to step around it, but Jim held his gaze, demanding an equally direct answer.

Spock sighed, which was shocking enough in itself, but his next words were probably the most surprising ever to leave his mouth. "Jim, I have made a mistake."

Oookay… something has gone wrong. Very wrong. Since when does Spock use my first name, when not expressly asked to do so? Besides, Spock doesn't make mistakes. Nor does he openly admit it.

"Did you kill somebody? Start a war? Blow up the ship while I wasn't looking? It has to be something serious, or you wouldn't have come right away, instead of trying to fix it yourself."

Spock inclined his head. "I am afraid it is not something I could fix," he replied quietly.

Jim felt his heartbeat speed up. Idiot! he chastised himself, what are you hoping for?

"I am very sorry," Spock continued, "I should have recognized the signs myself, or at least have done something about it. I should not have needed my father to tell me that I was jeopardizing your health and sanity."

"Er… could you please clarify…? I have no idea what you're talking about, unless this is some really weird declaration of love, and I don't think it is, because you would never admit that, either… and I actually didn't mean to say that, so just forget the last part… aw, fuck.." Jim looked at Spock in frustration, his hands half raised in a helpless, unfinished gesture.

They eyebrows went up all the way. "You are a most curious creature," Spock said in a voice that held as much amusement as bewilderment, "I have never understood the way you think, but it does not appear to be a linear process… you are always jumping to conclusions, when you have virtually no evidence to support your theories, and the infuriating thing about it is that no matter how illogical the concept appears to be, you are often right. It is absolutely fascinating… which might be part of the problem we are now faced with."

"I'm not sure whether that was an insult or a compliment," Jim replied. There was something in the way Spock's dark eyes rested on his face that made his stomach do nervous little flips and would probably send his heart into cardiac arrest if this went on much longer.

"It was a compliment." There was also a new, velvety quality to Spock's voice. The words fell softly, cushioned by some half-conscious emotion, each one leaving an imprint in the following silence. Jim moved closer as if drawn by some invisible force.

"What are you doing, Jim?"

"I don't know", Jim replied truthfully. "All I know is that it's probably a very bad idea and that you should stop me. That's your job, isn't it?" They stood very close now, almost touching.

"I can't," Spock replied, apparently confused enough to use a contraction.

Jim nodded slowly, and then reached out, drawing an arm around his shoulders and leaning in to kiss him. The first thing he noticed when he touched Spock was a brief tingling sensation, followed by an overwhelming feeling of warmth and familiarity. It was as if something that had been incomplete for a long time was finally finished. The pieces of a great, unknown puzzle settled into place, forming a new and comprehensible picture. It was hard to separate his own emotions from Spock's, and after a brief struggle, he gave it up entirely. It seemed strangely unimportant. He was home at last.

"You love me," Spock said, and Jim felt his astonishment.

"Now who is jumping to conclusions?" He teased, before adding: "It appears to be mutual, though."

"I am glad."

"I know. I can feel it… gee that sounds weird, but it's true. I can feel you. Everything you feel, think, are. I knew Vulcans are touch-telepaths, but I've touched you before and it's never been like this. What's different?"

"The bond. As long as it lasts, you will be able to feel what I feel every time we touch, and even if we don't, depending on how strong the emotion is. You may even, to some extent, be able to read my mind, and I yours."

"You do that all the time… hold on, what's that supposed to mean 'as long as it lasts'? That doesn't have a nice ring – feel – to it." He felt Spock squirm a little, both physically and mentally.

"Assuming that you are not planning on attending a Vulcan marriage ceremony in the imminent future, it will have to be unmade, or it could cause you serious harm."

"Serious as in – uh, no, that doesn't sound pleasant. Has that really happened before…? Wait… so you didn't to this on purpose? It was an accident?"

Spock nodded. "As was falling in love with you."

"But the two aren't necessarily linked, are they? I mean, you never formed a bond like this with Nyota."

"It appears that we were not compatible."

"So it's rare to happen accidentally? What does that mean…? And how can it be unmade? Spock…? What are you trying to hide from me? I can feel that you are hiding something, you know."

He felt Spock's grip tighten a little and a shockwave of pain and regret washed over his mind, as the Vulcan tried to control his feelings… and failed.

"It is very rare. It may also be dangerous, and breaking a bond can be a painful process. I… I do not want to see you suffer for my mistakes."

"What was that about your father…?"

"My father's first marriage… it failed when he met my mother. The bond between him and his first wife was broken, and they suffered, even though they had never loved each other. So did my brother. My mother never knew about it… father kept it from her. He did not want her to feel guilty."

"But that happens among humans, too, you know. The end of a relationship or a marriage is rarely pleasant."

"I do not think you fully comprehend the nature of a Vulcan bond, Jim. It is not a symbolic act like an engagement ceremony. It is a physical emphatic and telepathic link. It allows the participants to share feelings and thoughts, but also physical pain… and pleasure."

"You would be blushing right now, if you were human… actually, you are blushing." Jim grinned, but then turned back to more serious matters. "So to sum it up – you did not want this bond to happen. Nevertheless, it did. You came here tonight to tell me about the necessity of having it severed, but you are afraid that it will cause me harm… and you are afraid to lose me…" He looked up, seeking confirmation in Spock's eyes, even though he felt it through the bond.

"Yes."

"Have you ever considered not breaking it?"

He had, judging from the sentiments of fear and regret, mingled with reluctant hope. "It would not be… prudent."

"Maybe we should go inside to join Bones and Chris and have a nice little chat about the pleasures of imprudent decisions."