This chapter gets a little... smutty I guess? Not that much but a little bit... Actually barely any at all. Never mind. Just wanted to warn you haha and a lot of cursing in this one, but you probably expected that.

(A/N: James' POV)

My mind was spinning from seeing Logan. I watched him walk down the street, back to his house, until he was finally out of sight.

I decided in a few days, maybe even tomorrow, I'd go visit Logan.

I'd tell him I wanted to be friends and that I was sorry for yelling at him. I'd tell him we gotta make up for these last nine months of not being friends.

Yeah, that's what I'd do.

A few days passed and I decided to go visit Logan. I saw his mom's car wasn't parked so I went to go knock on the door. After the first knock, the door slowly opened. It creaked slightly. It was unlocked and open.

I heard a bang and I wanted to make sure Logan wasn't getting murdered or something, so I headed up the stairs.

I stopped when I heard a moan. Kendall's moan.

"Oh Logan, you're still so tight..." I heard Kendall moan.

Let's just say I booked it out of there.

Still scarred from the sounds I heard coming from Kendall's mouth a few days ago, I decided I should go on a walk to the coffee shop. It wasn't too far, I just enjoyed driving my car there so I could be alone.

As I was walking, I heard the crunching of snow.

"James, wait up!" It was Logan. I didn't turn around, but I stopped. "Where you off too?"

"I'm getting coffee..." I replied quietly.

"Mind if I come with?"

I didn't reply. Mostly because I was nervous.

"Come on, James. I really miss being friends. Let me tag along."

"...Fine."

"Thanks. So, how's life?"

"Bad."

"Aww, why?"

"Just is."

"...Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Anyway I could make it better?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

I didn't reply. I know what I want, and I want Logan.

I sighed.

"James... Can we talk about what you said a while ago? About being upset that I chose Kendall?"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Yes there is!"

"No, Logan. There isn't."

"Alright... Well what can I do to make you happier? I'll do anything just as long as you can smile a real, genuine smile."

"You wanna know what you can do?" I knew I was going to regret what I was going to say now. "You can kiss me."

"W-what? James... I'm dating Kendall..."

"I know... You know what? Forget it. "

"James..."

"Logan, do you even care about me?"

"Of course I do! Why would you even say that?"

"Ever since we were little, you always act weird around me." It was true. Logan did act weird. He seemed... scared of me. I didn't want that.

"W-what do you mean?" The nervous tone in Logan's voice told me he knew exactly what I meant.

"You're scared of me."

"James, I-"

"Why are you scared?"

Logan sighed. He stared at the almost white winter sky. "The way you talked to me... when we were little... No, not just when we were little, throughout our whole friendship. Every couple months, you'd say something almost threatening... And I guess that's why I chose Kendall over you, James. I feel safe and secure around him... around you... it's just... I never know what you could be feeling! You could be happy one second, sad the next. I don't know what caused you to be like this or what's bugging you, but you need to figure it out and until then, maybe we shouldn't even talk."

It hurt. It really did hurt when Logan said that, cause I knew he was right. But wait, it was his idea to even start talking again, right?

I felt my lips quiver. I felt a lump in my throat. I felt my hands shaking. I wanted to tell Logan everything I was feeling. I wanted to tell him I cared for him so deeply and I did want to be friends again. I wanted to be more than friends. I wanted to tell him that I was so sad, I actually resorted to hurting myself. Logan didn't care about me. No one cared about me. I was just so fucked in the head that even a person who wanted to be friends with me, was beginning to give up on me so fast.

And I was so upset, so angry at myself and at Logan for giving up on me, that I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"You were the one who wanted to be friends! You were the one who came to my house. You were the one who wanted to talk about what I said yesterday when I said to fucking forget about it! So why don't you go to your little boyfriend's house and fuck the shit out of him like you probably always do! Fuck this and fuck you, Logan!" I yelled. Logan looked surprised and hurt.

I felt guilty for making him look that way, so I ran away from Logan and back to my house. We had traveled some distance as we began talking.

"James! JAMES! Where are you going? Come back! Now!" I heard Logan yelling at me. I ignored his screams of protest and continued to run down the sidewalk.

Luckily, it wasn't slippery so I never slipped. Once I made it back to my house, I stopped on my porch and started crying. I finally let everything I was feeling out and I sobbed uncontrollably.

I didn't want to feel this way anymore. I stepped inside and walked up to my room.

I was going to end it all. I was going to end my pathetic life.

Alright, I didn't want to end on this and leave you guys hanging cause I hate it when that happens to me, so DOUBLE UPDATE TIME! haha if you guys hate me for this chapter, you'll love me for the next.