When Life Takes Hold.
Anders.
Sometimes when we think we've lost the will to go on we need to stop.
Take a breath then we realize things are never as dire as they first seemed.
It felt like his breath had been completely sucked out of him. His mind was reeling, as a surge of shock reverberated from inside him. Staring at the woman with his mouth gaping. His teeth making a audible click, snapping his mouth closed.
Words were failing him. Anders wasn't sure if she was lying or just bloody out of her mind insane. He looked at her and she stared back at him completely unfazed by his gawking. The light from the fire flickered and danced across the soft contours of her face, the expression she wore was not one of someone who was lying or even crazy. He had known a lot of crazy people in the course of his life. To him she looked composed and calm, but the look in her eyes, the scrunched up squint that screamed sadness, worry, stress. He knew them all well, it was feeling as if the world was coming down around him.
He remembered almost everything from the day before, that feeling of foreboding when he heard that the Knight-Commander had finally stepped over the line. That moment when he knew that it was time for their plan to be set in motion, and yet again the world was about to be turned upside down.
Justice had swarmed and writhed inside, screaming for Vengeance, and he would have it that day. Anders knew that it was going to cost him his life, but in the end it was worth it to know that they would be free.
He felt the loss of friendships forged over the last seven years. Betraying Hawke hurt the most, she had been a true friend, she went above and beyond what anyone had ever done to help him. Still it had to be done regardless, shoving the guilt down that threatened to over power him, he owed it to every mage in Thedas, and to himself and for Justice.
Now confusion took over. Justice was sedated, but Anders could still feel him inside. Justice ever presence lingering at the edge of everything that he was, but Justice didn't stir even with Anders sudden surge of emotions, it didn't threaten to bring him forth like it always had before. Perhaps Justice knew something he didn't? It was impossible. They were one and the same now. There were no secrets to be had, and yet he couldn't recall what had happened. No matter how hard he tried to remember. The panic, the shouting, the Templars swarming, Justice ragingly fighting against his will, giving in then nothing.
Anders blinked, his body shivering, even wrapped in the thick wool blanket's, night air was sharp and biting as most nights in the Free Marches were, the stifling hot days and the bitter cold nights.
Evelyn had rested her hand on his arm. Her eyes were a green sea of worry as it etched across her face. The touch was cold, her hand trembling. The cold of the night effected her as well, Anders realized. Her touch, filled him with a strange sense of ease. And not feeling the urge to shy away this time, as she squeezed his arm reassuringly.
"It's alright, I understand if you don't believe me yet." She said, he voice was soft and sensitive.
"It's not that... there's no reason for you to lie. I just don't understand how."
"I will explain everything in time, Anders, you've been through much. You need time to recover."
The thoughts were still a jumble in his head, this woman was seemingly sane, had allowed herself to be a willing host to a spirit, and then found a way to remove it. There was too much information, he remembered Justice when they first met, the strange friendship that blossomed. Then Anders watched as Justices' corpse of a host slowly withered away, fast making it impossible for him to move.
He recalled the nights they sat just talking about the mages, the injustice they endured, what he himself endured. Vengeance writhed within him now. This is what he had done to his friend, by allowing him in, he twisted him with his own hatred.
Did Evelyn have that problem as well he wondered, did her emotions corrupt her spirit, causing her to look for a way to do the impossible?
"Anders..." Her concern was cut short. A terrible wailing sob broke through the still darkness, echoing off the surrounding rocks and cliff sides.
Anders stomach flipped, the feeling of foreboding dread like tendrills tightened around his chest, he wanted to bolt to be ready for anything, he had become more aware of the aching pain in his body anchoring him into place.
Their heads snapped in the direction of the distant camp, where the sound emanated from. Tuck scrambled to his feet walking at a brisk pace towards the sound, quickly disappearing in the darkness . The sobs increased, becoming louder, Anders could feel Evelyn tense beside him, her touch still light on his arm but her expression was focused and staring, like a cat ready to attack an unsuspecting mouse.
There were whispers, rushed and distressed, the sobs has lessened to a steady whining mew. Tuck's and another. Evelyn's hand tightened it's grasp on his arm, he frowned at her as a flash of distress and pain crossed her face briefly before it disappeared just as quickly.
"Are you alright?" Anders questioned her. She glanced at him nodding before releasing her grasp on his arm, her hand sliding down to her lap.
"Evelyn." The sweet familiar voice rang from within darkness.
Anders recognized it, and Justice flared to attention inside him, just as the last time he heard it. Shadows moved almost fluently towards them, the flames from the fire catching the first glimpse of the two figures. Tuck walked slowly ahead, his eyes on Evelyn and a pained expression plain on his face as he shook his head slowly, he mouthed a silent apology to her that cause her to flinch.
Right behind Tuck the young tranquil made her way toward them. A child clung to her, the tranquil arms wrapped around the child protectively. A little girl looking no older then six seasons old, Anders noted. Curly blond hair hung in strings around her face, and seemed to shimmer in the low light of the fire. Anders could see the childs baleful eyes dart fearfully around the little camp.
"She awoke crying for you, I believe it was another nightmare. I could not settle her, I am sorry Evelyn." The tranquil chimed, the sobs from the child turned into soft whimpers.
Anders watched the silent exchange between the two, Evelyn's expression was pained as she held her arms open, offering to take the child, but exchanged no words, just a silent understanding. The tranquil's eyes flitted from Anders to Evelyn while leaning down and letting the child slide from her arms into Evelyn's. The child made a sobbing squeak, grabbing desperately onto Eveyln's chest, her body shuddered as the quiet sobs grew more pronounced.
"Shhh, Leigh, hush now, little mouse. I'll have none of that." Evelyn scolded softly, but her voice held no Ire as she gently rubbed the child's back in small soothing circles.
"I am sorry Evelyn, I did not know what else to do."
"It's fine Compassion, you're here now. You might as well stay." she said, her tone was flat, but her expression spoke volumes refusing to look at the tranquil. Anders wondered why she held so much contempt for the young tranquil, it seemed strange to him to hold so much dislike for her spirit of Compassion or not.
The child's sobs slowly stopped but an occasional sobbing hiccup, her breathing slowed. Her head resting on Evelyn's shoulder, but her eyes now held Anders', big bright blue orbs stared into his amber. She was a striking child, her small round face and blond curls, she reminding Anders of the dolls that the young girls carried with them in Kirkwall.
"You're the screaming man." She whispered, it was not a question. Reaching a small hand out, she grasped a hold of a corner of his blanket, pinching one of the loose threads between her fingers.
"I am?" he questioned, confused.
The child nodded, rubbing her runny nose on Evelyn's shoulder. Evelyn sighed and chuckled as she gently ran her fingers through the child's tangled curls.
"Yeah, Arian said you were a dead man." Her eyes widened, pulling away tucking her hand under her chin, "Your not dead, are you?" her voice squeaked.
Anders chuckled, shaking his head slowly. "No, I'm not dead. Your Mother fixed me right up, she's a very talented healer."
Evelyn's body went rigged, she sputtered. "Uhh..."
"Eve, isn't my mother," the child scolded Anders. Her little voice was stern. "My Mama is dead. Eve saved me. She takes care of us and keeps us safe." Tears filling the young girls eyes again. hiding her face in Evelyn's chest.
Anders' felt his heart sink, cursing under his breath. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."
Evelyn gave him a weak smile. "It's alright, I think we've all been affected by the templars in one way or another." she said softly, squeezing the child tightly against her.
"Can I sleep here with you Eve, please... I don't want the bad dreams to come back." she mumbled into the fabric of her shirt.
"No mouse, you can't. I'm sorry, little-one." she sighed, pushing her back and gently, sitting her upright onto her lap.
Leigh's eyes were glassy, jutting out her bottom lip pouting. "Please?" she begged.
Evelyn chuckled, shaking her head, "Not a chance, and you know better then to even ask."
"Why not just for this one night, Eve, what could it hurt?" Tuck questioned her, frowning.
Evelyn shot Tuck a icey glare, "She can't be dependent on me, too many bad things happen especially to mages, and you know it, Tuck. She needs to be able to survive without me."
"What's one night? Where's the damage in that?" Tuck retorted.
"It will start with just being one night, then two, three, and next thing you know she won't be able to sleep without me. No, I will not have that, she needs to learn to sleep alone."
"That seems harsh, even for you, Evelyn, have you grown so cold hearted in such a short time?" Compassion said, standing by the fire, staring at her.
Anders watched the interaction with interest, it felt awkward he didn't know these people, yet there was a familiarity they had that he longed for. Part of him agreed with Tuck, the child was scared, she searched for comfort from the ones she trusted. He also understood Evelyn's side, especially after what he did, the danger to mages were greater than ever now, regret reared up again there was nothing he could do to change what he did.
Evelyn sighed ignoring the tranquils gabs at her, lifting up Leigh up in her arms and turning her around on her lap, facing the child with her back to her, pulling her against her chest resting her chin on Leigh's shoulder, wrapping her armed loosely around her.
"Have you been practicing?" Evelyn asked.
Leigh nodded, tugging her bottom lip between her teeth.
"Show me." she whispered softly.
Anders watched, enraptured, with the interaction between them. He watched the child's brow furrow in concentration, holding out her plump little hand, palm up. She stared at it, focused as a pale green light flickered in her palm briefly before dying out in a puff of green smoke. She squeaked in frustration, that made Evelyn chuckle.
"You're trying too hard, here, try doing it like this." Evelyn held her hand out in front of the child, a greenish mist swirled slowly at first, rolling around becoming brighter lighting her palm, the light flickered and glowed elevating slowly from her hand, hovering in the air.
The wisp moved lazily around the child, flickering green light danced across her face, all the fear from earlier seemed to be quickly forgotten as Leigh's eyes lit up in wonder. "Now, you practice this for me alright?"
"It's hard..." Leigh pouted. "I can't do it."
Evelyn chuckled, hugging her affectionately. "Nonsense, you can do it, just keep practicing. Then when you wake at night scared, you can always have a light to chase away the dark."
Leigh let out a small sigh and nodded, blond curls falling in her eyes. "Alright." she said, pushing the hair from her face, she began to squirm away from Evelyn's hold on her.
"I think it's time you let Compassion take you back to bed, don't you think? It will be dawn soon."
"Okay," Leigh sighed softly, she stood as her gaze flickered from Evelyn to Anders then back again.
Before Anders realized what was happening the child flung herself at him, his body rocked back slightly grunting in pain. She clung to him her little fists twisting into the blankets as she hugged him tightly. He stared down at the child, wide-eyed in shock then at Evelyn. This night just kept getting stranger. Evelyn's expression was more of annoyance, shaking her head looking at the child.
"I'm glad you're not dead." Leigh mumbled into the blanket and hugged him tighter.
"Ahh, yes... so am I." He said, awkwardly patting the child lightly on the back.
Anders always liked children, their innocence and trust always amazed him. He had always wanted to have a child of his own, but sadly that was never meant to be it seemed. The Maker seemed to like teasing him with these things, everything he longed for but could never have. It served him right for wanting it in the first place.
"Mouse, what have I told you about hugging strangers?" Evelyn asked in a nurturing tone.
Leigh released her hold on the blankets pushing herself back to her feet wobbling a bit as she did so, Anders reached out to steady the child. She smiled at him sheepishly.
"Sorry."
"It's alright, I needed a hug." Anders smiled at the little girl, and she beamed, clasping her hands in front of her, giggling.
Leaning forward Leigh whispered, "Tell your spirit not to worry, Eve will protect us." her little face lit up with a grin.
He could hear both Evelyn and Tuck groan, he stared wide eyed at the child. How did she know about Justice, had he really become that transparent? As he started to speak, Evelyn interrupted.
"She has a sensitive connection to the Fade, she can sense spirits. She did the same thing to me." Evelyn remarked, "That's more than enough from you tonight, Mouse. Now off with you and get some sleep we have a early day tomorrow."
Almost as if by cue, Compassion scooped the giggling child up into her arms, "Thank you, Evelyn, I do appreciate your help. I know how hard this is for you. I do not wish you any more distress."
Evelyn waved an arm shooing them away, but refused to look at Compassion, instead she looked to Tuck. "You too, go get some sleep."
Tuck grumbled under his breath, rolling his eyes. "Fine, but you promise me that you'll get some sleep too. I'll be up here first thing, to make sure you eat something." he scolded.
"Fine, fine just go... really, Tuck, you sound just like a mother hen."
"I wouldn't have to if you would just listen to me."
"Look how well that's worked for you so far." she smirked.
"Yes, so it would seem. That's still not going to stop me from trying, and if that doesn't work, I'll just have to make you."
" Shallow threats, I highly doubt you would follow through on them."
Tuck stood up in a huff shaking his head, "We'll see, Eve," He said, stalking back towards the camp.
Compassion stared at Evelyn, holding the child close with a conflicted expression, sighing as she turned her attention to Anders. "We will talk more tomorrow, Brother. I am relived that you still live." She said, before Anders could respond she turned away and followed the worn path that Tuck had taken just a moment before, leaving them alone in the silence of the night.
Anders suddenly became very aware of the woman sitting beside him, now that the others were gone, it was an uncomfortable silence that washed over them. There was so much to ask her, but how to ask it. Justice pushed his questions forward clearly. How did she separate from the spirit? He had been sure it was impossible, and how did she manage to get the spirit into a Tranquil?
The silence continued as the both stared into the dying fire, the freezing air became too much to stand. It was Evelyn who broke the uncomfortable silence and he was grateful.
"I'm sure you have questions." She remarked.
"A lot of them really, it's pretty unbelievable."
She nodded pushing off the bedroll, she got up to add more wood to the fire, he watched her and wondered what had happened to her. What made her from what he could tell she was collecting apostates, it was a strange thing to do amongst everything else going on.
"It's dangerous." She said, turning to face him once the logs were placed on the fire, her arms folded across her chest. "The spell to separate you both."
"What isn't dangerous when it comes to magic."
"True enough. It's an ancient magical ritual."
His eyes narrowed, frustration threatened to take him over. "Ancient magic... You're a blood mage aren't you?" His tone full of digest at the thought of anyone using blood magic as a means to a end, was no excuse and anyone he met that was a blood mage always met with a fate worse than death.
She seemed taken aback by his accusation, she scowled. "Just because I was considered by others to be an Abomination, does not make me a blood mage. I would figure that if anyone would understand what it was like it would be you, seeing that you are in the same predicament I was in a few short months ago." she spat.
"I-I'm sorry, you're right, I do understand what it's like. I should not have just assumed. When I hear people go on about old magic I think..."
"Blood magic, yes, I figured that from your wonderful assumption of me. I should have known." she growled waving her hands in the air, stalking over and grabbing her thin ratty blanket off the ground beside him, she made a spot for herself near the fire but away from Anders.
She sighed a heavy sigh and continued before he could blurt out anymore nonsense. "I met an apostate a long time ago, shortly after Compassion and I were merged. He helped hide Lucy and I hide from the templars."
"Lucy?"
"My younger sister."
"Oh... I heard Tuck mention her, is she?"
"I don't want to talk about Lucy."
"Sorry."
"Just... not right now." She said, staring off as the flames of the fire danced before her,. "Maybe it would be best if we talk about this tomorrow, we have a long day ahead of us you need your rest to heal... Sleep well Anders." She said, ending the conversation short.
The longer Anders sat there he realized just how much his body still hurt, he knew she was right. He was still tired, and even with Justice's insistent push to ask more questions now, Anders ignored it. Sleep was what they both needed right now. Anders watched her trembling. Unsure if it was, from the cold or unwanted memories that were brought up, she looked worn, exhausted and disheveled. Even in the dull light of the fire.
The healer in him took over, as concern for her well-being took control of his thoughts. She looked way too thin from what he could tell from the dim light of the fire, remembering the worried concern of Tuck as the elf scolded her endlessly. Tuck said that she hadn't been eating. Anders wondered if she gave him her own food when he first woke. The Elf seemed quiet aggravated by it and this worried him a little, silently vowing to keep an eye on her. It seemed the least Anders could do for her after they saved his life.
Anders frowned seeing how she held the thin blanket around her tightly. The fabric of the blanket was thin and full of holes, yet the two that were wrapped around him were thick and still in good condition. As she laid back on the cold ground shivering , Anders realized she gave up not only her blankets but her bed roll as well.
"This is your bedroll, and blankets."
"You're observant," she chuckled.
"You should have them, I don't want take what's yours."
"Go to sleep, Anders."
"No, it's not right, you've already done enough for me. I will not have you laying on the ground, and freeze when you have perfectly good blankets here that belong to you."
Evelyn sighed. "You're not fully healed, you need rest. I appreciate your concern, I will be fine for one night. I will get you, your own bedroll and blankets tomorrow. Now please, be quiet and get some sleep."
"At least take one of the blankets, I would feel better knowing I'm not going to wake up only to find you frozen half to death."
"Anders, if you don't go to sleep I'll just have to cast a sleep spell on you, then you wont have a choice. I'm already worn out as it is, and would much rather not have to resort to that." she grumbled.
"Fine..."
"Sleep well, Anders."
"You too."
As Anders laid back, his whole body started to ache once more, wishing he could recall what Justice had done when he took control of his body. At first, when Justice took control, Anders would have complete blackouts,never knowing what happened, but he got used to them over the years and slowly became aware of everything going on around him as their connection grew stronger. This was the first time in a long time that he had complete memory loss. It was an uncomfortable feeling not knowing.
Hearing her shift in her sleep, he turned around and watched her, such a interesting woman she seemed to be pretty and kind, but of course there was no way of really telling, seeing as it was the middle of the night and he had only gotten to know her a few short hours earlier. She slept near the fire curled up into a tight ball. She rolled around restlessly mumbling, he knew that feeling all too well. Was it the spirit that caused her so much turmoil or was it because they were apostates on the run? There was a kinship between them he could sense it, a silent understanding of each other. He wondered what would become of that kinship once she found out what he had done. He was sure they would either kill him or turn him over to the templars and he deserved no less after all that he had done. A part of him could only hope that she would understand why he did what he did.
His eyes getting heavy and sleep was slowly closing in, he gave in to it. He thought it might be better if he told her everything up front, rather than waiting for her to find out on her own. Finally losing the battle trying to stay awake, Anders let himself slip into the into the Fade.
A/N: I would love to thank everyone who has read, reviewed, alerted and PMed me. You're all so very wonderful and I thank you all dearly. I love to hear peoples thoughts.
And BIG thanks you my best friend Jinx1983, for doing the beta work on this chapter, and letting me kidnap her for the day. Without her I would have stopped writing long ago. I thank you my friend you are very dear to me.