Chapter 12: Hearts Too Young For Sorrow, Torn Asunder
I didn't stay to see how the failed invasion would end. I ran out of the castle and grabbed Junior, who protested at first but soon fell into a food-induced coma. I went back to Darkland castle and put him to bed, then went to my room.
The first thing I saw was the last thing I wanted to see; my own reflection. It stared back at me from the mirror, eyes dark and sad, face drawn with misery. Gone were my rosy cheeks, my playful curls. My skin was ghostly pale, my hair hung limp and lifeless, and my dress was torn and soiled.
I didn't look like a beautiful stranger anymore. I looked like a pathetic, miserable little girl. A silly, stupid little fool who had been chasing after a dream.
Disgusted with myself, I tore off the dress, not caring when I heard it rip in my haste. I threw the slippers away, then yanked at the choker. It snapped, the pretty crystals plinking to the floor like a jumble of musical notes.
I took a long shower, but I didn't go to bed. I paced my room and thought, though I didn't cry. I refused to cry. Even though my heart was in pieces and my pride was in tatters, I wouldn't cry. No, I would sever my ties here and go home. I'd make up some excuse as to why the diplomatic relations hadn't worked out - an easy task, since technically there were none.
Maybe it was running away, but I didn't care. It didn't seem like I belonged here after all. Though I didn't really belong at home, either. Maybe I belonged nowhere. I was a princess so out of place, I had no place.
I argued with myself that I should be able to make my place anywhere I pleased, but in the end, all I wanted to do was leave here. I needed to reclaim my dignity.
Only...
Only I felt bad leaving so abruptly. Junior, I knew, would be the most upset, and my own heart ached at the thought of never seeing him again. Even if I had never been stupid enough to fall in love with his father, the thought of leaving Junior would have torn at me. I loved him like he was my own.
But he wasn't, I reminded myself as I wandered over to his room. He belonged to the king, and someday, he would have Princess Peach for his stepmother. Not me, but her.
This was not how I wanted this tale to end. But I had been nothing but a blind little idiot the entire time. The truth had been under my nose all the while, but I let my heart get away from me, let myself be filled with fanciful thoughts, prodded by Junior's attempts to bring his father and myself together, along with his frequent hints that he would like me to be his new mother.
Well, just because Junior and I shared the same desire didn't mean it would come to pass. I couldn't make his father love me. And maybe, I thought bitterly, my sadness suddenly turning to anger, I was better off this way. Someone who fell in love with someone so silly couldn't be very bright.
The records never mentioned his desire to wed her, but they had included many examples of what a flighty, silly girl the princess was. I tried to picture the two of them together and couldn't. Even if I didn't wish to see myself at his side, I wouldn't have ever thought they would make a good couple. They were wrong for each other in every respect.
But really. What did I care? I was leaving as soon as possible. Let them have each other. I was done with his Highness, and this place.
I at least wanted to say goodbye to Junior, if only in spirit. Not having the heart to wake him, I crept through his room and over to his bed, where he slept soundly, peacefully. A smile was on his face, no doubt dreaming of all the fun he'd had tonight, oblivious of what a crushing defeat his family had suffered, as well as my own misery.
My heart ached as I reached to smooth his tangled hair; oh, but I would miss him. And he would probably never forgive me once he found out I was gone. I didn't know what had happened to his mother, but I knew that he wanted one more than anything. I had turned into the closest thing to a mother he ever had, and now I was going to walk out of his life.
Despite all my resolve, tears stung my eyes. I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave him, leave him with no one to play with when his siblings were busy and his father was gone. No one to tuck him in at night, and tell him stories until he fell asleep. Sure, the king could always hire another nursemaid...but no one would understand him the way I did.
And, I realized bitterly, he was the closest thing I would ever have to a son. I could take a hint; tonight had been such a disaster, such a complete and utter failure, I could see that I was clearly meant to be alone.
And I couldn't go back to my old life as if nothing was changed. Nothing had changed more than me; I could never pretend to be what I once was, walking airily around in white dresses with collars that choked me while forcing myself to keep quiet instead of speaking what was on my mind.
After all, no one knew. I hadn't told, so no one knew what I had attempted to do tonight. The seamstress simply thought I wanted a dress for the ball, the chef thought I wanted to bring the cake to place with the other desserts as a sample of Darkland pastry - a thought that tickled him to no end - and the sword smith thought I meant the medallion as a gift in honor of the victory that never happened. No one suspected that I had meant those things as tokens of my love.
No, the only one who knew was me, but that was enough. I knew I would be miserable for many days to come, mending my broken heart as I avoided his Highness. I couldn't bear looking at him, watching him do things that made me love him more.
I would just have to learn not to love him. Somehow, I would find a way to rip those feelings out of my heart and throw them away. And I would make sure that I was never stupid enough to fall in love again.
Junior didn't count, though, and the pieces of my shattered heart swelled with sad affection as I bent to kiss his cheek. He fidgeted and went on dreaming, and I left quietly. I was tired, but I knew I would never get to sleep, so I wandered long into the night, my thoughts mercilessly recounting the evening, and all the stupid things I had done where King B was concerned. Helping him sleep, tucking him in bed...stupid, stupid, stupid.
I was overtired and mentally kicking myself as I paced an outside wall, my emotions and nerves frazzled and raw. I almost didn't notice that someone else had come up here to brood until I nearly bumped into him.
Even though he didn't know a thing, I recoiled with a blush. "Sorry, Highness," I mumbled.
He didn't respond. He had his elbows rested on the wall and his chin in his hands, his eyes staring off into the distant. I had never seen him look so droopy, so depressed. I learned later that he and the koopalings had been taken to the edge of Darkland and released with a scolding. The guards, their moods un-dampened, then went back to celebrating.
Despite my resolve to not show him a hint of affection, something melted inside me. I hated to see him so sad, so dejected. I wanted to make him smile, to hear him laugh…though in my current state, I was in no position to cheer anyone up.
A breeze suddenly blew over us, reminding me that I was only wearing my nightgown and robe. My feet were bare, and I hugged myself as I shivered. My hair was a tangled mess. I hoped he wouldn't notice.
He didn't. Even as I rested a hand on his arm, wanting to comfort him, he didn't so much as look at me. And then, like a slap in the face, it hit me.
It didn't matter if he looked or not. He didn't notice when I preformed for him in my robe that night. He barely noticed when I came out of the shower, dripping wet and naked. And he didn't so much as glance at me tonight, when I looked as beautiful as I felt.
It didn't matter how I looked, because he never saw it. He looked at me, but he didn't see me. And he never would, because his heart and mind were busy pining for someone else.
This realization rippled through me like an electric shock, shooting clear down to my toes. I clutched my arms as I trembled, my breath coming in shuddery gulps. I was such a fool. I felt in that moment assured in the knowledge that I was the biggest fool alive. Because only an idiot would fall in love with someone who had never, and would never, see them for who they truly were.
I fought hard, but I was worn out and my will was weak, and I couldn't quite stop the sob that rose into my throat. I cringed, knowing he would hear. He was every bit as miserable as I was, and I was going to start crying in front of him.
He was the source of all my misery, yet he was the first thing I thought about. Something told me, even with my resolve to stop loving him, he always would be. He would always be first in my heart, my thoughts.
Another sob rose up, and another, until I had my hands pressed to my face as I wept openly. I couldn't remember the last time I so much as a shed a tear, let alone bawled like an infant. Maybe it was high time, I reasoned.
Not that my mind was full of much reason right now. My thoughts had dissolved into a jumbled mess, the only coherent one being that I hoped Bowser wouldn't get mad at me.
He suddenly cleared his throat. I lowered my hands and looked up through my tears; he had turned away from the wall and was holding a handkerchief out to me.
Sniffling, I took it and dabbed at my eyes. "Thank you," I whispered, my voice thick and hoarse from so much crying.
He grunted and looked at the horizon again. "Forget about it. This is just a minor setback; there'll be other plans. Victory will be mine another day."
My tears came to a halt. Wait a minute. He thought I was crying over his failure? That I was sobbing nigh hysterically because he hadn't succeeded in kidnapping and marrying a princess who obviously hated him?
I was a stupid fool. But I wasn't the only one.
I had been taught as a child to never get angry, to never shout, to keep calm no matter what and speak succinctly. Well. In that moment I felt such a bubble of fiery rage burst inside me, I threw all that posturing out the window.
I threw the handkerchief, too, balling it up and bouncing it off the king's fool head. "I'm not crying because you screwed up tonight," I hollered, fists balled. "I'm crying because you're the biggest dolt in all the world!"
That earned me quite the jaw-dropping stare. He gaped, too shocked to be angry, as if no one had ever dared speak to him like that before. And I was far from finished.
"You want to know why you're the world's biggest dolt?" I went on hotly. "Because you've wasted all these years chasing after some bubble-headed blond bimbo who doesn't love you!"
I had learned this lesson the hard way, too, but at least I'd learned it quickly. It was high time he did, too.
"I've got news for you, big guy; that silly girl is never going to love you! You want to know why? Because kidnapping is not a way to win a girl's heart! And you would think that how she always screams and runs away would get it through that thick skull of yours, but since it hasn't, I'll spell it out for you; if there was ever the slightest chance of her wanting to marry you, she wouldn't put up much of a fight when you came by."
I knew I certainly wouldn't. In fact, the idea of him sneaking into my room one night and spiriting me away gave me a bit of a thrill. I hastily took a breath and continued. "But you know what's really sad about all this?" I said, voice raised but not really shouting anymore. "It's that while you're so busy chasing after a dream that'll never be, you don't have the brains to see that I'm the one who loves you!"
Okay, I hadn't meant to say that. But it was too late to take it back, so I threw caution to the wind and spilled out everything. I pressed a hand to my heart as my eyes moistened. "You've never seen me, so you probably don't hear me either and won't remember any of this later, but I'll say it anyway; I'm the one who wants to marry you. I'm the one who wants to make you happy. I'd do anything to make you smile - anything! I'd steal the stars for you if you asked me to."
Tears were streaming down my face now; I absently wiped them away. I couldn't look at him anymore, still gaping at me like I was insane. Sniffling as more tears fell, I turned away. "But I know that's just a dream," I said quietly, too tired to shout anymore. "It doesn't matter how badly I love you. It won't change the way things are."
I ran back to my room, where I fell, sobbing, across my bed. I cried until I was too exhausted to shed a single tear more, then closed my eyes and slept.