Title: It's All Your Fault
Author: Trance-Faith
Rating: M – suicide and suicidal tendencies.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended. Also the song words used in this fanfic are Paramore's "emergency".
Author's Note 1: In terms of Grey's storyline – this is set after their break up, in 7x07. I stated in chapter 2 that I had seen the promo for 7x09, and wasn't acknowledging what happened in it – after having time to digest the events, I've decided I will have them in this story, haven't decided about tiny Torres yet.
Author's Note 2: I did tell people I didn't want to write this fanfic – but they said (they know who they are) to write it anyway. So I'm sorry!
Author's Note 3: I'm sick, but I haven't written anything for this fanfic since 29th of December! So you're going to have to deal with the crappiness which is this chapter!
Beta: No beta was used while I wrote this, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own.
Reviews: Are much wanted please!
"So are you listening? So are you watching me?"
Arizona's POV
She hated waiting rooms. They are called waiting rooms as they are places in which you wait. They are places in which you wait to find out if your loved ones will make it. For Arizona, she was waiting to find out if her life was ending. A life without Callie would be broken. A life without Callie would be devastating. A life without Callie would be no life at all. Callie was her life.
Sitting with her head bowed, she was pushing the heels of her hands into her eyes, watching the pretty patterns dance behind her eyelids. She could hear at least two clocks, both ticking out of time with each other, making her feel as if she had been sitting on this spot for too long to count. She wished she could drown out the noises of the hospital, the people passing, the children laughing, and the clock from ticking. She wished she could make the world just…stop. She'd know wouldn't she? If Callie died. The world would stop. It would stop spinning…wouldn't it? How could the world keep spinning if she was no longer in it? How could those nurses by the nursing station keep gossiping, and that mother shout at her son for running in the halls? How could life continue if Callie was dead? No! She scolded herself, she wasn't died…yet. How had she been so stupid? She'd left. She'd left her job, her life, her home, her Calliope. She'd left. Was this her punishment? She wished she could hate Callie for what she was putting her through. Hate Mark for not being a better friend when Callie had clearly needed one. She couldn't. The only one she could bring herself to hate was Arizona herself.
A strong hand touched her shoulder making her jump. Looking up the light burnt her eyes, the pretty patterns still etched into her vision. There was Mark, looking…broken. He knew. Something passed between them. Understanding? Eye contact wasn't broken as Mark took the seat next to her. She could see like her, he was fighting tears. It was odd to think of Mark crying. Callie had always said he had a soft spot, he wasn't just a "man-whore"…maybe, and just maybe she was right.
Arizona broke eye contact first, sighing as deep as she could. The back of her head came to rest on the wall behind her, her eyes sliding closed. "Any news?" her voice sounded hoarse, as if she had a bad head cold. "Surgery is going well...well as well as you know… they should be finished within the next hour", came Mark's simple reply. An hour? How long had she been sitting on this damn plastic chair? The clocks ticking came to her attention yet again. Ticking away her time…Callie's time. She sighed again. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately. Sighing. Tilting her head to the side, she saw Mark was watching her. He looked apprehensive, worried…scared. Every emotion she was feeling, though she couldn't name everything she was feeling she was having. It was all her fault. Mark started to blur slightly. She realised she was starting to cry. She didn't cry, not in front of people. Not in front of Mark. But her stupid eyes wouldn't stop.
Rubbing her eyes hard, she quickly apologised for the tears falling down her face. "No need", Mark gave her weak smile. "No there is. I'm sorry we're here. I caused this," the blonde sounded near hysteria. The man sitting next to her took a deep but steadying breath, "No you didn't." How could he just sit there, next to her, basically telling her everything was going to be okay? That she wasn't to blame. She, Arizona had caused this. If she hadn't left, she wouldn't be here. Callie wouldn't be ultimately fighting for her life. "Yes I did", she growled under her breathe. "If I hadn't left. If I'd stayed. She wouldn't be here!" she continued on. Mark made a movement with his mouth, which suggested he was about to speak again, but Arizona cut him off, "Do you have any idea what it feels like? Knowing you didn't tell the woman you love, how much better the world is with her in it. I didn't…I didn't do my job right as a girlfriend! She was supposed to be happy. She was meant to keep living…not give up. Callie Torres doesn't give up! Why? Why doesn't she know she is meant to be here? Alive! I love her Mark! Why didn't I work harder to tell her? Why…?" And the damn broke. Arizona Robbins didn't cry in public. She didn't rant emotionally and incoherently to people she didn't particularly like, and she most certainly didn't allow them to hold her as cried. And yet…the arms which wrapped themselves around her were not those she had come to know. They were stronger, larger and more defined. They weren't Callie's, but Mark's, and that made her cry even harder. "Why didn't she fight? Why didn't she love me enough to want to stay alive?" Arizona whispered into the damping material of Mark's jumper.
"She loves you enough" Mark's voice broke slightly as he spoke. "I don't know why…but you don't get to blame yourself. You weren't here…" he said, but before he continued Arizona pulled away, anger now flooding though her veins. "You don't think I don't know that Mark? Think I need reminding? I know I wasn't here!" She couldn't keep sitting. Not next to this man. She stood, realising she had nowhere to go, she began to pace.
"Will you just shut up and let me finish!" Mark practically barked at her. Arizona shot him a filthy look, but didn't interrupt. "You weren't here. I was. I saw how broken she was – and I'm not saying that to upset you" he added quickly obviously sensing Arizona was about to interrupt again. "But she was" he continued on. "Yes I know what it's like. I love her too. Not the same way, but I love her. I was here. I saw what she was like. What she was doing to herself. I saw and didn't do anything to help. If anyone is to blame it's me", Mark finished sadly. Yet again, the blonde found herself sighing. Who have thought Mark Sloan has a heart.
"You're meant to blame me. As the best friend, you're meant to blame me," Arizona part joked, part begged. How could Mark not see? This. Was her. Fault. Mark gave her a weak smile, "When we know, one way or the other, I'll blame you then". His eyes looked to hollow, and he looked so small, for a moment she wondered why she had ever hated this man before her. She could almost believe he was a good guy, and for now he was. The female surgeon just gave him a nod. She could wait. She could wait for Mark's abuse, the abuse she knew she deserved. "When she comes round, if you hurt her I swear…" Mark didn't need to finish the threat, she knew what it meant. Mark had said "when", that she had to hold on to. Callie had to pull through, she couldn't give up.
The doors to her right opened, and Bailey walked through them. This was the bit she had dreaded. She had lost count of the times she had, had to tell families their child's fate. She had told countless numbers of parents their child wouldn't be growing up…she wished she could say those lives she had saved over the years made up for those lost but they didn't. She couldn't tell from the look on Bailey's face whether she was about to get a second chance or lose everything she'd ever known…