Title: It's All Your Fault
Author: Trance-Faith
Rating: M – suicide and suicidal tendencies.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended. Also the song words used in this fanfic are Paramore's "emergency" and Pink's "It's all your fault". Though this chapter will only use Emergency.
Author's Note 1: In terms of Grey's storyline – this is set after their break up, in 7x07. I stated in chapter 2 that I had seen the promo for 7x09, and wasn't acknowledging what happened in it – after having time to digest the events, I've decided I will have them in this story.
Author's Note 2: I did tell people I didn't want to write this fanfic – but they said (they know who they are) to write it anyway. So I'm sorry!
Author's Note 3: Sorry it's taken me so long to update – stupid university gave me a huge experiment assignment – ended up with over 5,000 words.
Author's Note 4: What do you think of Sara's EP – I LOVE IT! And I can't wait for the musical episode!
Beta: No beta was used while I wrote this, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own.
Reviews: Are much wanted please!
"It's all your fault, you called me beautiful, you turned me out and now I can't turn back" – It's All Your Fault by Pink
"I can't pretend that I don't see this, it's really not your fault" – Emergency by Paramore
Callie's POV
Insanity. To be insane you must be in a state of mind which prevents normal perception, behaviour, or social interaction; seriously mentally ill. Callie Torres was sure of one thing. She was insane. Being a doctor she knew there was no such thing, medically or psychological as being "insane". That was only a term used in the law. But she knew she was clearly mentally unwell. Though she had determined that she must be alive, she was hurting too much not to be alive.
Every two hours like clock work, a nurse would come in a replace the bag of blood on the IV stand. One thing she hated about being a doctor, whose patient needed a blood transfusion, was the two hour rule. It took about two hours for each unit of blood to get into the body, as too much could kill you. Without fail two hours later, or what she assumed was two hours later, a nurse would come back in to change the bag, and in the process wake her up. Callie could still see Arizona. Could still feel her, and yet the nurse never acknowledged her presence. So she surmised that she was the only one who could see her, so she was in fact insane.
The first time the nurse came in, it was still dark, maybe she had only been a sleep a few minutes, she wasn't sure. There the angel still slept, her face bathed in the golden light, shining from the small lamp beside her. Callie's body felt heavy, like it was no longer hers. Still the heaviest part was her left arm, the one the Arizona hallucination clung to. The blonde's rhythmic breathing soon sent her back into the dark realms of dreams, only to be woken again by the nurse. Who yet again seemed to ignore or not see the small woman who was part draped across her left side. Yet again it still seemed dark, how long was this night going to be. It seemed to stretch for eternity. Was she to be plagued by Arizona's ghost forever? She supposed there were worse things to hallucinate. Again darkness spread from the outside of her vision, closing in, until she could see no more. Whispering. She could hear hushed voices. She no longer felt weighed down. Her body still felt heavy, almost unmovable, but her left side felt free. Cold. Unbearably light. Empty.
Arizona's POV
She'd fallen asleep. She had promised herself she wouldn't. What if Callie had needed her? If she'd woken up, Arizona would have missed it. Stretching as much as the small hard chair would allow, she heard several of her bones crack quite loudly, as her muscles strained in protest to being moved. Looking up she saw Callie was still asleep; the monitor next to her was playing a regular rhyme. She looked much pinker, much more…alive. A shiver ran down the blonde's spine, what would she have done if Callie hadn't made it. Running her thumb across the back of the hand she was holding she saw her watched said seven in the evening, meaning that here in Seattle it was… nine in the morning, which explained the slight glow which was coming through the small gaps in the blinds.
A small creak behind her made her jump slightly. Turning her head fast, and slightly hurting her neck she saw a woman in a Seattle Grace Mercy West nurses' uniform. The redhead smiled slightly at Arizona, before going over to the stand, and began to change the bag. "This should be the last one", the young nurse said, glancing over at her. Arizona gave a small nod. The other woman made a small noise which sounded similar to a "hmmm". "What? What's wrong?" Arizona rushed, once again realising why doctors weren't allowed to work on their loved ones. "Oh sorry, nothing. I'm just surprised she hasn't woke up yet" the redhead replied. Sensing Arizona's confusion it seemed she continued, "For both her five and seven o'clock change she woke up. She didn't say anything, she just watched me, and you". "She woke up, and you didn't think to wake me up?" Arizona practically hissed. The nurse's eyes widened considerably, "You were asleep. She wasn't conscious long. I told Dr Sloan, he said to let you sleep until she was properly awake. I'm sorry Dr Robbins", the girl stuttered slightly. She instantly felt guilty. The young girl before her was just doing what she thought was best, she was just disappointed she hadn't been awake to see Callie wake.
"Ari…zona?" Callie's voice croaked sleepily. Yet again, Arizona's head span fast in the voice's direction, causing a momentarily pain to shoot down one side of her neck; sure she was going to end up with whiplash. Sleeping, confused, beautiful chocolate brown eyes shined back at her. A smile, one of those slept with a coat hanger in our mouth smile, threatened to take over her whole of the blonde's face. "Yeh Calliope it's me", Arizona breathed back in disbelief. Arizona barely registered the nurse running from the room, as she moved closer to the head of Callie's bed. Callie's eyes soon lost all sense of sleepiness, and in its place, shock took over. "I'm here", Arizona continued to whisper, as if being any louder would break the spell. She placed a gentle kiss on Callie's forehead, relishing in the warmth of the flesh beneath her lips.
Michael back in Africa had said he would talk to the leaders for her if she needed. She had declined, knowing that it would need to be something she had to do. Mike however had been the one who suggested they could replace her. Looking into Callie's eyes she knew, this was where she was meant to be, and first chance she got she would ring the important people and tell them, she was leaving.
"I'm in Africa, and everything's great, and the people are so nice, and the clinic is amazing, and I'm doing work that actually feels important. Like, I can— I can actually see that I'm making a difference, but I'm crying, like, constantly. And then this guy that I work with at the clinic finally asks me what's wrong, and I say that I miss my girlfriend. Like, I— I really miss her. So then he asks me if I wanna go back, if they could replace me. And— and then I open my mouth to say "no" but what comes out weirdly instead is "yes", and then I came back…" Her voice sounded so child like, emotions cracking every few words. She once would have cared. Emotions meant weakness, meant vulnerability, meant failure. Callie had proven so many times that she would still be standing there when the dam broke. Would still be holding her up when her legs gave way, and her world crumbled down around her. Callie had proven herself, and how did she repay her? By walking away.
The redheaded nurse came back into the room with a quite burley looking male doctor who Arizona didn't recognise. Forty-eight days she'd been gone, and yet she seemed to recognise no-one. It seemed so much had changed since she'd left. She moved out of the way so the doctors could work, wishing she had taken the brunette's hand. Callie hadn't said anything to her speech. She had delivered so many speeches in the time they'd been together. She had meant each one, but none she had meant, had wanted to pour so much emotion and truth into, wanted Callie to believe as much as the one she had just delivered. Yet Callie hadn't said anything. That said however the dark eyes simply bore into her own, surprise, love, sadness, disbelief were only some of the emotions she could identity in them. The doctor turned to her stating, "someone should come down in a few hours from psych". Callie's eyes widened slightly, though she wasn't sure if it was in shock or surprise. Arizona on the other hand was simply annoyed, the man had acted as if Callie wasn't there, and that she wasn't a doctor, she would clearly know what was going to happen next, so should have been told. The blonde however ignored his rudeness and gave him a slight nod. Both of the intruders quietly left, while Arizona shot dirty looks at the back of their heads. Turning back to the raven haired woman, she saw Callie was still staring at her. It was slightly unnerving. Callie still hadn't said anything to her, and was looking at her as if she were a ghost.
"Calliope", Arizona hushed, moving back towards Callie's head. Callie seemed to blink multiple times before looking around and then back at the blonde. The Latina opened and closed her mouth a few times, but no sound came out. "Go on Callie, say something", Arizona encouraged, both wanted to ensure Callie understood what was going on, and for her own selfish reasons. She wanted to hear her voice, the voice which had filled her dreams for the last forty nine nights. Arizona reached down and took hold of Callie's closest hand, taking it she noticed it was Callie's right hand. The bandage, sparkling white against Callie's skin, a painful reminder of last night, and what was beneath the fabric, mocked her. Running her thumb against the back of hand in hers, she looked up to see Callie had lowered her eyes to look at what she had been looking at moments before. The larger hand was whipped out of her own. Her heart clenched, and head lightened. The look in Callie's eyes did not change, but she saw her mouth open. "Get out" the younger woman's voice croaked. Arizona heard it, she even understood it, but her brain couldn't coherent the meaning behind the words. Too quickly Callie's eyes were stone cold, no emotions, nothing, just ice. "What?" the blonde's voice broke, needing the younger woman to repeat it, to make it make sense, pleading with her own sapphire blue eyes she wouldn't.
The door behind her creaked open, but neither woman looked at whoever had entered. Both seemed to be daring the other to look away. The mystery guest came around to Callie's other side and she saw it was Lexie. "Get out", Callie said, sounding much stronger and more determined. Lexie looked momentarily surprised, but then looked across at the blonde. Both dark haired women seemed to be looking at her, expecting her to do...something. "No, Callie. I'm not going anyway", Arizona tried to sound as sure as Callie. "Get out", Callie half growled, showing her teeth. The monitor beside her indicated her heartbeat was increasing. Lexie looked both scared and hesitate, "Erm…maybe its best you leave". Turning around slightly she glared in disbelief at the much younger woman, who to her credit seemed to shrink back. However Lexie moved from her side of the bed, to stand in between Callie and herself. Giving her an apologetic look, she put her hand on Arizona's arm, "Don't make me call security". Arizona knew her eyebrows had shot up in surprise. Who would have known Lexie had…er…balls? "Come on", Lexie continued, applying enough pressure to her arm, that she had no choice but follow her. Just as they left the room Arizona turned to look at Callie just one more time. The Latina was staring at her again; however she noticed the small shake of the head. She felt her heart drop, her body go limp, letting herself be led out of the room.
Once they cleared the room, Lexie let go, but turned to face her. "I know you're mad at me". Yeah mad was one emotion she was feeling towards the woman in front her. "You saw her heat rate; I think its best you do leave. I promise if there's any change I'll call or text you. Is you're number still the same?" Lexie was trying to look like a caring doctor, but she could see the friend beneath the mask. She was trying to please both Callie and herself, and was trying to make Callie well. Arizona nodded slightly, realising she had started to cry in front of the younger women. Lexie didn't show she had seen the tears, "I'll keep you updated, I promise". "Thanks", was all she could reply, more would result in more tears, tears she wouldn't cry outside of the room in which lay a woman who clearly no longer cared for her. Lexie turned and walked back into Callie's room, giving her a sad smile through the glass as the door clicked closed. Walking down the hallways she saw people's sad expression, sad smiles, and people's pity. Some of the people she didn't even know felt sorry for her. Arizona Robbins didn't do pity. Walking through the main doors, she was hit by the bright December sunlight, causing her eye's to water slightly. Once her eyes had gotten used to the light, she looked around. Tears threatened to assault her then and there. She had nothing. No one. Looking around, she realised, she had nowhere to go, and the one place on the whole planet she wanted to be, was the one place she was no longer wanted.