It's All Your Fault

by Trance-Faith

Post 7x07. Callie tries and fails to get Arizona back or to move on, what will she do next? Sequel to "It's Enough Now"

7. Chapter 7

Title: It's All Your Fault

Author: Trance-Faith

Rating: M – suicide and suicidal tendencies.

Pairing: Callie/Arizona

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended. Also the song words used in this fanfic are Paramore's "emergency" and Pink's "It's all your fault". Though this chapter will only use Emergency.

Author's Note 1: In terms of Grey's storyline – this is set after their break up, in 7x07. There is mention to the events in my fanfic "It's Enough Now" – I would advise you read it!

Author's Note 2: Sorry it's taken me so long to update – assignments and then exams kept me away, but I am now finished till October … so watch this space

Author's Note 3: I love that so many people have favourite me as an author and this story – keep it up! But I'd like comments too, just telling me what you like, what you don't, and if there is something you'd want to see!

Author's Note 4: There are parts in this story which are based on a real life experience, though the person did not make it... I won't say which part in the story I played, but I would like to say thank you to the people who have offered great words of wisdom.

Beta: No beta was used while I wrote this, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own.

Reviews: Are much wanted please!

"I hold my breath because you were perfect" – It's All Your Fault by Pink.

"When no one cares to talk about it. Cause I've seen love die way too many times" – Emergency by Paramore.

Callie's POV

Anguish. To feel anguish, is to feel severe mental or physical pain or suffering. Physically her head was pounding, her arm felt like it was on fire, her other hand felt itchy but on the inside and her heart felt like it was dying cell by cell with the pain of what she had gained and lost in the last few minutes. Her brain was going a million to a dozen; Arizona had been standing right there. Her warm lips had graced Callie's forehead with a gentle kiss, her small hand had held her own as if it was made of china. Her angel had been inches away from her and she'd sent her away. No Arizona had walked away of her own accord months a go. Had left her, abandoned in the airport! Her blood boiled, her teeth clenched. That woman had the nerve to look at her with those puppy ocean coloured eyes, begging for forgiveness. Forgiveness was something she could not, and would not give her. She could hear Arizona and Lexie's voices from outside her room, not the conversation, only their voices. Callie's heart clenched. That voice, the voice she had pleaded with a higher power she would hear for the last two months. Every time she rang the blonde's number she had pleaded to hear that voice, and every time she had gotten her voicemail message. Why was it now, that voice was the last thing she wanted to hear, and yet was the only thing that was keeping her going? The raven haired woman could feel her eyes fill, as the door opened and in walked Lexie. The younger woman's eyes rose to meet her own, to her surprise she did not see pity, sadness yes even understanding, but not pity. Lexie walked across to Callie's bedside picked up a tissue and handed it to Callie. It was then she realised she was crying.

Arizona's POV

She had nowhere to go. No big plan, no future, no hope. Her dream was lying in the building behind her, and now never wanted to see her again. Callie was angry. She was angry Arizona had left, and seemingly more angry at her return. Or was it that she'd saved her. The blonde didn't care if that was the reason. The Latina could hate her for all it mattered, if the reason was because she had saved her life. She would always save her. Arizona protected the things she loves. So why had she not protected Callie, from herself?

A cab pulled up beside her. She supposed she should go back to The Archfield to collect her things from Callie's room. She felt her chest contract at that thought. To be back in that room. The room in which she had nearly lost Callie forever. What she would have done if she hadn't been able to save her she didn't know. What if she'd stayed and talked to Mark a little longer or if bad weather had cause the pilot to land a little later? What if … what if… what if…? Telling the driver her desired destination, she climbed into the back, closing the door with a tug. Looking back through the window at the hospital, she felt a warm tear make a single track down her face, and disappear into her mess of hair. How things had gone so wrong, so fast…

Lexie's POV

She was happy and felt guilty about it. She and Mark had gotten back together. Things weren't perfect, but when in her life had things been perfect. However she had mainly been avoiding him since 7am that morning. She had woken up in his bed, alone. She knew he had a shift that started at some stupid o'clock in the morning, but she had hoped he would have woken her, even if it was just to say goodbye, with a goodbye kiss. So she woke in a foul temper. She knew she shouldn't have, Mark was properly trying to be nice and not wake her, as neither of them had had an early night… It was only when she got to the hospital for her shift which started at 7, she heard about Callie. She say she was shocked was an understatement, sure she knew the older surgeon was upset, that was sadly rather obvious by her everyday demeanour, but she never thought Callie would harm herself, never mind try and commit suicide. Part of her was saddened, that the Latina had felt that the pain was so bad that doing that was her only option, while another part of her was angry for not thinking about the pain the act would cause on the people around her, further still another piece understood. She had lost people in her life, okay her mother's death was not the same as Arizona leaving Callie but, to the older surgeon it must have felt just as soul destroying, just as final. So she had been avoiding Mark, Callie's best friend. Actually even that she had been unable to do. Knowing where he'd been at certain times, she left him cups of coffee, candy bars and other confectionary in places he would find. She only did this because she knew if it was her, she would want to comfort eat, but be left alone to process…everything. She had stayed with Callie most of time after Arizona's departure at about 9am, neither woman speaking much, in fact it was mainly Lexie who talked, and even then it was more of a ramble than talking. What did you say to someone, no, your friend who had tried to take her own life, a matter of hours before? Callie however did not seem to listen to most of the things the younger Grey sister was saying, and when she was she seemed to only half hear it, and simply stared out of the now opened window, lost in a world of her own. Lexie left Callie when one of the nurses from the psych ward came to collect her just after 11am, and decided it was time to find Mark, and talk.

It hadn't taken long to find him. He had been sat in one of the on-call rooms on the second floor, similarly to Callie, staring into space, trapped in his own head. Mark didn't seem to notice Lexie's presence as she sat down beside him, and jumped slightly when she placed her hand on his knee. Mark moved slightly and rested his head on Lexie's shoulder, with a deep sigh. The position didn't look too comfortable, but it seemed to suit its purpose, as Lexie wrapped one arm around his broad shoulders. "I'm her best friend, and I didn't even see how much pain she was in", his voice shook slightly, causing the younger Grey to hold her boyfriend a little more tighter, resting her chin on the top of his head. "I should have noticed. I should have done something about it. Why didn't she come to me before she…" his voice trailed off, though the sentence did not need to be finished. Placing a kiss on the hair inches away from her mouth, she replied in the softest voice she knew to use, almost as if speaking to a young child, "You were there for her Mark. You couldn't watch her every minute of everyday. If she wanted to do … that, she would have done it anyway, maybe not yesterday, today or next week, but you can't blame yourself for it. Sometimes you can't save everyone; it's even harder if they don't want to be saved". It was then she realised Mark was shaking slightly, and then she registered wetness on the crook of her neck. Mark was crying. Standing slightly before turning, and sitting back on the bed, she pulled him to her, feeling his arms wrap themselves around her waist, and he sobbed.

Arizona's POV

The journey back to the hotel seemed longer, than the trip there. Or maybe it felt quicker…Arizona hadn't had any concept of time in the back of that ambulance, she had simply felt as if time was running out. Now as she pulled up next to the large building, she wondered what on earth she could do next. Paying the driver, with the small amount of change left in her purse, she walked straight into the hotel and to the elevator without looking at anyone. She wondered if anyone in the lobby would recognise her from the early hours of that morning. She wasn't approached by anyone, and thankfully the elevator was empty. Pressing the button to Callie's floor, she was created by the disembodied female voice and elevator music she hated so much. The doors opened revealing the sign which said rooms 201-229 were left, while rooms 230-260 were in the right direction. Taking a deep breath she turned left, and walked towards the door she knew. Balling her fists, her shortened fingernails dug into the flesh on her palm, reassuring her that this was in fact, real. All too soon, the large oak door with the golden numbers "220" came into view. There was a "Do not disturb" sign hanging from the door handle. Had that been there last night? Or had the hotel staff put it on? Arizona couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if it had been there the night before, and she had done as it asked… A shiver ran the whole length of Arizona's spine, leaving a sickly feeling in the pit of her stomach. Plunging her hand into her pocket she pulled out the key, taking yet another deep breath, she placed the small key in the lock and turned it. The hall light was still on, as was the bathroom light, while the main room was still in darkness, which suggested no-one had been in this room since she had left it. Closing the door behind her, she found the main room's light switch causing it to flood with artificial light. A few things hit her senses at first. The first was the extremely messy bed to her left, which Callie had quite literally just crawled out of yesterday morning, and just left it as it was. She very rarely made her own bed, something she had said Arizona could do better than her, so why should she make it, when her "awesome" girlfriend would simply remake it. A ghost of bittersweet smile graced the blonde's lips, it was so true. It wasn't that Callie made the bed wrong; she just didn't make it to Arizona's standard. Callie frequently laughed at her for her OCD tendencies, saying she had obviously gone into the wrong profession if mess bothered her, and it was something she needed to control before they had their own children. Arizona's breath caught in her throat. She had made promises to Callie, yes she had made promises when she had applied for the grant, two years ago, before she even knew Callie existed, but the promises to Callie she had made so much more readily, knowing that it was a certain thing. She never knew she could win the grant, but she had known…or she had thought she had known she would have children with Callie. The next thing she realised was that the bathroom door was still open, and if no on had been in, the bathroom would still be in the same state she had left it in. Sure enough, as her heels came in contact with the tiled bathroom floor, she saw the now cold crimson water, which looked completely calm in the bright white tub. Arizona felt her legs go weak. A piece of her felt angry that the hospital staff hadn't done anything about Callie's room, then again who would do it? Was it in someone's job description "Clean up suicidal people's mess"? No, she wouldn't wish that on anyone; however it meant she had to. Walking over to the bathtub, she knelt on the floor, rolling up her right sleeve, she closed her eyes and plunged her hand into the now ice cold water. Feeling for the plug she tugged it slightly, causing it to pop up, and felt the force of the plughole pull the water into the drain beneath it. Pulling her hand out, causing a trail of water to splash everywhere, she turned opening her eyes spotting the toilet behind her. Flipping the lid up, her felt her stomach turn over and dry heaved for the next five minutes as the bathroom was filled with the noises of her love's attempt of giving up drain away. Once it stopped, her body simply ached, almost as much as her heart. Getting shakily to her feet, she half stumbled back to bath and saw streaks of red in the bottom of the bath, and quickly turned the tap and saw the last of Callie's despair disappear down the drain.

Knocking off the bathroom light, she walked half dead back into the main room she heard her phone going off in her bag, rushing over she pulled out multiple things she most likely didn't need, before coming across her cell. "Lexie's Cell" flashed at her from the small screen. Hands shaking she pressed the button to connect, raising the small machine to her ear. Lexie's high slightly annoying voice replied, saying various things which kind of made sense, something about Mark being cut up, Callie not really talking and something about peanut butter cups. "Callie just came back from being evaluated. I'm not sure what has been said, I'm not on her case at the moment, Bailey put me in the clinic. But from what Mark told me, they believe this was a one time thing, and she shouldn't do it again. They want to keep her in for while though, they've got her on meds to make sure she remain…calm, and make sure she's okay", Lexie trailed off. Arizona didn't know what to say to that, she had never worked in a crisis stabilization unit, but she hoped they knew what they were talking about. They hadn't seen her when Arizona had found her. She thanked Lexie, and was reassured she would be informed of any changes. Looking up once she had disconnected the call she saw she hadn't closed Callie's underwear drawer. Even though it seemed no one else had been in the room since she had keep in there she still felt she should close the drawer, to save Callie's dignity. Just as she went to close the drawer she saw a small stack of cards wrapped in a letter, with Callie's handwriting on.

Pulling the pile out, she removed the band holding them together, amazed she had found the cards and letter she had spent the first week in Africa trying to find, by ripping her small room apart. Walking up, she sat down when she felt her calves come in contact with the bed. She ran her fingertips across the small delicate letters Callie had written a few days short of year ago. Her eyes stinging with tears, as her fingers caressed the words "My Arizona". Re-reading Callie's heartbroken, but heart felt words from after their last break up, she simply sobbed, thankful the pen Callie had used, seemed to be waterproof. Reading on "I've cried myself to sleep almost nights for the last 85 nights", she couldn't help but remember Callie words in her last voicemail message, saying she had cried herself to sleep for the 47 night they'd been apart. How was it that forty-seven nights had felt so much longer than eighty-five days? She knew the answer to that. Both Arizona and Callie had admitted they had tried when possible to sneak peeks at the other as much as possible during their break up last year. This time, they were thousands ands thousands of miles apart. Arizona could not steal a glance at the ortho surgeon when she wasn't looking, or stare unabashed when she was around, because Arizona had left. Arizona shuffled up to the head of the bed, clicking on the lamp on the bedside, and clicked off the light in the main room and small corridor, filling the room with a dim light. Reading that Callie had been laid in their sheets because they smelt of her, made her smile a bittersweet smile, as she was laid in Callie's bed, inhaling the smell that was uniquely the Latina. Arizona's eyes came to rest on the words, "I'll be waiting…" Callie had proven that, she would always been waiting, but now Arizona had come back and Callie was nowhere to be seen. Arizona wished she could blame Callie, she really did, and yet she couldn't. The tears fell shamelessly, as she flicked through the cards, reading words like, "courage", "protection", "joy" and "love". How could she leave the woman who claimed "you are the one, the only one, I want to spend the rest of forever with". How did could she just leave? How could she get her life back? How did she get Callie back? How could she make it up to the woman she loved more than life itself? Grasping the pieces of card and paper tight to her chest, burrowing her face into Callie's pillow inhaling her scent and she cried, she wished for the first time that it hadn't been her Calliope in the bathtub, but Arizona herself.