Title: It's All Your Fault
Author: Trance-Faith
Rating: M – suicide and suicidal tendencies.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended. Also the song words used in this fanfic are Paramore's "emergency" and Pink's "It's all your fault". Though this chapter will only use Emergency.
Author's Note 1: In terms of Grey's storyline – this is set after their break up, in 7x07.
Author's Note 2: I love that so many people have favourite me as an author and this story – keep it up! But I'd like comments too, just telling me what you like, what you don't, and if there is something you'd want to see!
Author's Note 3: For those of you who don't know, I am British. I try and make my stories as American as possible…but sometimes I fail hehe.
Beta: No beta was used while I wrote this, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own.
Reviews: Are much wanted please!
"So you give up every chance you get, just to feel new again" – Emergency by Paramore.
"I'm running out of air, and it's not fair" – It's all your fault by P!nk.
Callie's POV
Life is full of surprises. When she was growing up she had wanted to help people, when she was older that idea took the form of a surgeon. She had wanted to get married in a grand church, in a big white dress and veil with her mother, father and sister crying in the front row. That idea had taken the form of George, in a chapel being married by Elvis in a dress she had picked at random, with only two witnesses, some strangers they had grabbed from the street outside. She had dreamt of finding true love and watching them play with their children and maybe a dog or two. She had thought that dream had taken the form of Arizona Robbins…Life was full of surprises.
Callie was aware of a few people coming in and out of her room. Some she knew, most she didn't. Mark had come in at one point demanding to know what had been said at her psych evaluation. Why he demanded she didn't know, because even when she told him, he went ahead and looked in her file anyway. It felt…peculiar to be told her suicide attempt was a "one off". How did they know how she felt? She wasn't going to lie, at the moment she didn't feel suicidal. She felt…nothing. Or at least nothing she could describe. A part of her wished Mark had stayed, or Lexie maybe. She hadn't really spoken to them, what was there to say? But their presence, their mindless conversation, their words were comforting. She had let Lexie waffling wash over her, soothing her into a calmness she couldn't understand, but it had stopped the thoughts. The thoughts of Arizona. She could hear the rain outside, and was thankful she was inside. She could hear each drop rebounding from any surface it fell upon. The drum of the water matched the drum of her heart within her chest. It did not matter how calm or how numb she felt, the beat within her chest would not lessen, because her thoughts of the blonde surgeon would not lessen. She had wished for so many things as she grew up, but today, right then, she wished for only two things. Only one could happen, or at least only one could happen at a time, and she knew if either happened she would not allow the other to follow. The first was that Arizona would simply leave. Leave Seattle. Leave her, for good. The second was for the blonde to take her in her arms, and never let her go. What made Callie's heart break even further was she didn't know which wish was stronger, and which she wanted to come true.
Arizona's POV
Time flies when you're having fun, but a washed pot never boils. Time is an interesting concept. Time is something that will pass no matter who or what tries to stand in its way. Time is something that as you are living it you do not notice it slipping away from you. Merely the effects of those minutes, hours, day or even years are ever noticed. A little over three months ago Callie and Arizona were happy. They were planning their future, their future together, forever. That is what they had said, forever. Promises were made; declarations of love were being made…both emotionally and physically. Three months later Arizona was laid staring at the brunette's alarm clock. The bright red numbers burnt their way into her eyes as she lay there. Simply staring, fidgeting with the edge of the pillow that her head was resting on. The scent of Callie surrounding her, to the point where she could almost convince herself, if she rolled over there the Latina would be laid there, fast asleep. Except she wasn't. Callie was laid in a hospital bed with a self inflicted 5 inch gash in her arm, and seemingly hated the blonde with ever fibre of her being.
The clock on bedside table indicated it was 4 o'clock in the afternoon. She had been alone in this room for nearly six hours. She wondered what Callie would say or do if she knew she was here. She could deal with Callie shouting at her, hating her even. Hate was an emotion, and a strong one at that. It was something, she dreaded to think what would happen if Callie didn't shout or scream. If Callie didn't care.
No, she wouldn't stay here and wallow in self pity and hatred. She had to do something; she was no good to Callie or anyone else for that matter in the state she was in. Dragging her body upwards, she shot her finger in the general direction of the light switch, actually finding it on the third jab. The light flooded the room, momentarily blinding the blonde, causing her squint. Adjusting to the light she placed the small pile of cards on the bed beside her, picking up her phone she scrolled though her address book until Mark's name appeared on her display, before pressing the call button. It only took two rings before the man answered, suggesting he wasn't at the hospital. "Hey Mark, I'm at Callie's hotel room. I was thinking about taking some stuff over to the hospital for her. You know personal effects, shampoo that kind of thing, but I was wondering if you wanted me to bring the rest over to yours later?" Arizona finished, slightly biting her bottom lip. She pretty much wanted to get this over with as soon as possible, without Mark shouting at her like had promised he would. "Are you sure you going back over there is a good idea? Lexie told me how Callie..." Mark said in a quizzical tone, before Arizona cut him off. "I will ask someone if she is a sleep, if she is I'll leave the stuff in the room. If she's not I'll leave it at reception for someone to give to her", Arizona rushed, rather annoyed that once again her relationship with Callie, whatever form it was currently in, was once again being dictated by Mark Sloan. That been said, it was her who rang him in the first place. "Okay Robbins, I just didn't want" Mark said apologetically before he was cut off by Arizona again. "I know Mark! You don't Callie to be upset. I think I've managed to do enough of that to last us until the end of time" Arizona shot back, more annoyed at herself than the former man whore of the other end. "Actually..." Mark stretched out, "I was going to say, I didn't want either of you to be upset. Hard to believe Blondie I'm sure, but I don't want you to be anymore upset, because I know you've properly been beating yourself up over all this since last night". Arizona gulped slightly trying to stop the rush of emotions threatening to over take her. She'd been so emotional these last two months; she was surprised she wasn't waterlogged. "Yeah" she breathed into the mouth piece, biting down on her lower lip to stop any noise which might betray her. "Me too", came the honest reply. The pair sat for a few moments in a complete silence, and for once they completely understood each other.
It was Mark who broke the moment, "If you want to bring her stuff over you can. But if you want to leave it there until her time runs out that okay too". Arizona scrunched her face up, which seeing it in the mirror opposite her, she could see it was not an attractive face. "Surely if she isn't using the room, they'll just kick her out?" she asked as if it was the most obviously thing in the world. Mark sighed and gave a slight chuckle before making a noise which sounded like he was trying to think of what to say, "Hmmm. The Archfield properly don't care Callie isn't staying the room, as long as they are getting paid. They also don't seem the type to…give refunds. Considering the stature of their guests. You could stay there, it's already paid for". Mark was right, most of The Archfield's guests were…well off, considerably well off. If they had leave a day earlier than expected the amount they would lose to them would feel like Arizona losing fifty dollars. It wouldn't feel good to lose fifty dollars, but she would live. The blonde sighed down the phone, "Callie wouldn't be happy with me staying here". There was a short pause before Mark spoke again, "That is properly true. However, Callie would never need to know. Also Callie wouldn't want you out on the streets, have you heard that rain!" The PEDs surgeon let out a hollow un-humoured laugh, "You didn't see her Mark, the look of actual hatred on her face, the anger when she saw me, when she screamed at me. Callie does want me around; I don't even think she wants me on the planet never mind in her hotel room." Again there was pause on the other end before Mark's voice sounded again, "As a mutual friend I am saying this. You ever tell her and I will hunt you down myself. Okay?" The blonde once again could in the mirror before her, her eyebrow shoot upwards in slight surprise, but made a murmur of agreement. "She misses you", the male voice said simply. "She cares, she loves you even. She did things, and I don't just mean last night. But she did things she will properly regret for the rest of her life, like letting you go. She still cares Arizona, don't give on her just yet", Mark finished, with almost a pleading tone to his voice. Once again Arizona could feel the tears bubbling inside of her, this time however she was not going to succumb to them again, not in front of Mark. "I don't plan to, I can be just as stubborn as her, if not more so" Arizona stated, almost defiantly. She could almost hear the smile in Mark's voice as he replied, "Good! Now go and give Callie her stuff". Just as Arizona lowered her cell, she heard Mark speak again. Raising the phone back to her ear she only heard the end of what he said, "I mean it Robbins, do NOT hurt again". "I'll try" was her only response before hanging up.
The young woman jumped up from the bed as if she'd be burnt, rushing over to the wardrobe, pulling out a bag which her and Callie used when they had picnics on their mutual days off. The bag they used to do that with, Arizona scolded her, before pushing the thought away. Going back to the bed, she dropped the bag down, as she then carefully folded the letter in the same she'd found it, before wrapping it and the band around the cards, placing it back into the top drawer. The blonde then pulled out several pairs of underwear, socks and bras, folding and balling them neatly (Callie had just crammed them in anywhere), and put them into the bag. Turning her head she saw directly into the bathroom and could see Callie's shampoo and conditioner sitting next to the taps as if daring her to enter the room to collect them. Taking a deep breath and bracing herself, she took determined steps, making sure to put one foot in front of the other, only looking at the two bottles which she needed. Even as her heels clicked her steps on the tiled floor she didn't look down into the bath, only on the small bottles. Noticing Callie had some shower gel too, she picked that up as well, turning the opposite way to the bathtub, she spotted the brunette's toothpaste and toothbrush; grabbing them she spun the rest of the way and walked head held high back into the other room, closing the bathroom door behind her.
She dropped the items haphazardly into the bag, before turning and sitting on the edge of the bed. Taking a deep breath and fighting the urge to throw up again, she glared at the bathroom door as if it had personally caused her offence. If she was going to stay in this room, for however long, she had to figure out a way to deal with that…room. Recapturing her composure she stood, realising that for the first time that a lot of Callie's stuff wasn't here. Taking a disbelieving shaking breath she remembered how much of their stuff they had put into storage. It was still there. "Callie", Arizona whispered in disbelief to the room in general. Grabbing Callie's hairbrush from the sideboard it too joined the assortments of items in the too big bag, before zipping it up. Picking up her own purse, she dropped her cell and the room key into its depths, and threw Callie's hospital bag's strap over one arm and walked from the room.
The journey back to the hospital wasn't very eventful. Something the blonde was perfectly okay with; she wished she never had to deal with drama ever again. That was impossible, but sitting in the back the cab, clutching her two bags, in her current mind set, she could believe things were going to be okay. Or at least pretend she believed it. The rain drilled into the roof of the car, the whole way there, and the driver skidded a few times on the road as the breaks didn't quite grip the road, but apart from that Arizona left the car unscathed. Despite running the small distance from the car, she was still wet by the time she reached the doors. Walking through the familiar corridors she came face to face with April Kepner, and braced herself for that annoying Ohio lilt to her voice, that Callie may have imitated a few times. "Dr Robbins? Are you here to see Dr Torres? Just she's asleep at the moment…" the resident said, indeed in "that" voice. Though Arizona had to fight back a smile as she realised that despite the fact she no longer worked here, she still had authority it seemed, at least in April's eyes. "Yes I did actually. Just dropping some things off for her", she indicated the bag. "I'll just drop it off in her room, if that's okay?" the blonde said, though didn't really wait for a response before she moved passed the other woman. "Erm…okay then" was the last thing Arizona heard the slightly annoying resident say as she turned the corner.
The distance between the main area, and Callie's room seemed shorter in the light of day. Maybe it was because she now knew Callie was going to be okay, and so her mind wasn't playing tricks on her anymore, she didn't know. But all too soon, Callie's door came into sight and with that the brunette in question with it. The younger woman was in fact asleep, her breaths were even, calm and soothing. Leaning back on the door frame behind her, she stood in awe of the Latina beauty before her. She knew she no longer had the right to look, but she couldn't help it. Her eyes traced each feature, burning them to memory, struggling against the internal battle to rush over and just have a single touch of Callie's smooth skin. She had lost the right to do that when she left. She lost the right to do a lot of things that day. Another wave of sadness hit her square in the chest. What if Callie never did forgive her? She could never hold her close, smell her hair, and breathe her in, making her laugh that special that was reserved only for her. Staring at Callie, she realised she had the feeling of being watched. Taking a deep breath, she raised her eyes; making eye contact with the deepest chocolate eyes she'd ever known. Callie was awake.