Title: It's All Your Fault
Author: Trance-Faith
Rating: M – suicide and suicidal tendencies.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended. Also the song words used in this fanfic are Paramore's "emergency" and Pink's "It's all your fault".
Author's Note 1: In terms of Grey's storyline – this is set after their break up, in 7x07.
Author's Note 2: So a week in London went well. House sitting for my aunt, so hoping to get more to you this week. Not sure if I like Bailey's piece in this chapter … I'm ill and on drugs that's my excuse.
Beta: No beta was used while I wrote this, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own.
Reviews: Are much wanted please!
"I feel like we could be really awesome together, so make up your mind cause it's now or never" - It's all your fault by P!nk.
Arizona's POV
It took all her will power to walk the small distance from Callie's bedside to the door, and her legs refused to walk any further than the small waiting room just passed the labyrinth of corridors before giving up. Her legs seemed to just fail her, making her fall to the ground, clutch her face and sob. She knew how naive she had been. She had known Callie would be angry with her, if the situation was reversed, she would be less than pleased, but she'd like to think if Callie had come back for her, she'd be willing to listen. Willing to just hear her out, to hear what she had to say. She had been so damn naive! She could hear people near by, but they felt so far away. Callie had told her to come back, that she wanted her back countless of times over the last two months. Now she had returned, Callie wanted nothing to do with her. The Latina wanted her to go back to Africa! Fresh sobs ripped themselves from the blonde's mouth, as another wave of boiling tears fell from her eyes collecting in her cupped hands. It was the strong hand that came to rest on her shoulder that brought her to her senses. Looking up she saw Alex Karev half kneeling in front of her. "Come on", he soothed as he took her hand. Her body seemed disconnected to her brain, as she pulled upwards and led by the hand like a small child to a near by on-call room.
Callie's POV
Pity. Anger. Sadness. Pain. Disappointment. Understanding. All and none could Callie detect on the older woman's voice. Miranda Bailey was not a readable woman. That said one emotion that was visible was concern. It was almost the same look her mother used to give her if she had hurt herself doing something she wasn't meant to be doing as a child, trying to remain looking angry, while checking she had been okay. As the short woman moved beside the bed, Callie began to speak, "Miranda…" Before she could continue she was stopped by a defiant voice, "No. At this moment I am your doctor. Doctor Bailey. Give me a few minutes, and then I can be Miranda, okay?" The dark eyes looking back at her were sad, and Callie understood, Bailey was trying to detach herself from the situation. Give a small nod, the small woman moved forward, pulling on a pair of gloves, she took Callie's injured arm and laid it palm up, on the small table. Gently she cut away the old bandage with a small pair of scissors. Pulling away the old gauze from the wound, both women took a loud intake of breath, as the incision came into view. Both sets of brown eyes met, and Callie saw sadness reflecting back at her. Bailey cleared her throat and went back to the task at hand. Seeing where the blade had bit at her skin as she had dragged it across her wrist, suddenly made the last 24 hours real. It had all felt like a drunken dream, as if she was out of touch with reality. The about dozen sutures holding her skin together, was a shocking revelation to her. She had tried to commit suicide, and had been found by the one person she thought she would never see again. After forty-eight days, after god knows how many unanswered phone calls and pleas, Arizona had returned claiming she had come back for her.
No one ever came back for her. Not George, not Erica, no one. "You're an idiot", was what drew Callie from her pensive state. Focusing on Bailey she saw that her new dressing had been applied, while the other woman was collecting the soiled bandages and put them in the clinical waste bin, snapping her gloves off, these too went in the bin. She assumed this was now "Miranda", because Doctor Bailey would never call a patient an idiot, especially one, which was earlier that day, was nearly admitted into the psych ward. "What were you thinking?" came the woman's slightly shrill voice. Callie never thought she would describe Bailey's voice as shrill, and most certainly wouldn't say it out loud, ever! Both of Bailey's hands came to rest on the bed with such force the small purse she had picked up and placed on her shoulder fell off onto the mattress. Bailey's head turned forcefully in her direction, her eyes were boring into her, in true Bailey stare down fashion. "Do you not remember the day George O'Malley died, the days, weeks, months, that followed?" Bailey asked, half warningly. What did George's death have to do with this?
The confusion it seemed had appeared on her face, because Bailey let out a deep sigh, lowering her head, and gripped the bed sheets beneath her fingertips. "Do you remember that pain, hurt, that devastation that we all felt? Do you remember that?" Bailey's voice probed further. Of course she did. George had been her husband, yes they had gotten divorced, but she still had loved him, and cared for him. Her heart had broken and found it so difficult to breathe, never mind lift her feet to run to his room, when Meredith Grey had come running out shouting that that the John Doe who had been hit by a bus, the one which they had been working on for hours, was George. "Of course I do", Callie's voice broke slightly. She tried her best not to think of George's death, when she remembered him now; she only ever tried to think of happy things, not his affair or death.
"George O'Malley got hit by a bus saving the life of a complete stranger. He was courageous and brave. He died a hero. I know that. Except it still makes me so mad that he did it. But you…" Bailey genuinely looked confused. Callie felt her heart clench. She was an idiot. It was rare to see this woman openly emotional. She knew Bailey cared greatly for George, and even named her son after him, after he had helped her while she was in labour.
Bailey continued, "You had a choice. He died being a hero, and we all felt the pain of losing him. You did this to yourself; do you have any idea how that would have made us feel? Mark? Arizona? Me? Your family, your friends?" The short woman blurred slightly as the tears in Callie's eyes stopped her from being able to focus on her. Slowly the tears slipped passed their barrier and fell. She noticed the other woman was slightly crying too. "I'm sorry", whispered the Latina. Callie saw Miranda screw her eyes shut, trying to take a deep breath. When the bronze coloured eyes opened again, she saw sadness, and saw the acceptance before the word "okay" fell from the woman's lips.
Sitting on the alone chair the room possessed, the older woman took a deep breath, steadying her emotions. Sitting back in the chair she spoke again, this time her voice was much steadier and even than before, "I had to bring Little Tuck to work with me today as his daycare sent everyone home because of a gas leak". Callie was slightly confused but listened as Bailey began again, "Karev has been looking after him. Tuck heard Dr Sloan and I talking about your injury, and started asking questions. We told him you had hurt your arm, so he drew you this". Miranda pulled her discarded purse towards her, and pulled out a small, roughly folded piece of paper, which had clearly been folded by the four year old himself. Once the paper had been passed to her, Callie saw that there was what looked like a pink version of Mike Wazowski from Monsters Inc, except it had two eyes and a few strands of black hair. One of arms which stuck out of the side of its head (as it had no body) was red. It was then Callie realised it was a picture of her, and above the picture someone, she assumed Alex and written in pencil "Get Well Soon Dr Callie", and Tuck had gone over it in green marker gen. Opening it up she saw the same penciled handwriting and covering green marker, which had made several mistakes tracing the lettering, read
"To Dr Callie
Please get your arm well soon.
From William George Bailey Jones".
Underneath this were big green crosses of Tuck's own creation, she assumed were meant to be kisses. Callie eyes began to swim again with tears, as Bailey spoke again, "Tuck told Alex exactly what to write". Callie gave a small nod, only just trusting her voice to say, "What have I done Bailey?"
Arizona's POV
After ten minutes of Arizona crying in Alex's arms, and another ten minutes of Alex filling Arizona on the happenings of Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital, he had been paged by the new acting head of the Peds ward. It was odd because Arizona felt a little hurt about her replacement, which in Alex's words was a "total ass". The blonde had always praised herself on her bedside manner and her abilities with her patients, which had gained her the nickname "baby whisper" by Callie. However it seemed that she had been replaced by someone who was the complete opposite to her. It was because of this; on leaving the on-call room she had taken haven in, when she saw Richard Webber she did a fast jog to his side. "Dr Robbins", the Chief said in way of greeting. "Chief Webber", she gave back. "I was wondering if we could have a word…privately", she added at noticing the attention she was drawing to herself by simply existing in the hospital's corridor. "Sure, follow me", he said was he guided her towards he direction of his office.
The door clicked behind them, and in silence both took their respective seat, Richard, the one behind the desk, Arizona the one in front. There was a slight awkward silence between them before, Richard said encouragingly, "Dr Robbins". Taking a deep breath Arizona spoke in a rush, hoping beyond hope her authority issues would not hinder this, "I've come for my job back, or a job I don't mind, as long as it's in Peds. I've still got to travel to and from Malawi. I'll travel to Malawi every two months for the next three years to oversee everything, and I've got a leading pediatric surgeon to oversee the day to day operations."
The Chief shuffled slightly in his chair, before responding, "Dr Robbins, I signed a contract with a new Peds attending, it's a six months contract." The crushing sensation that hit Arizona in the chest was like a bull slamming into her. "I know Doctor Stark, Karev told me. If you can't give me my job back, I understand, but you must have something for me? Even if at the moment it was just to help the Peds' nurses and staff with the Christmas preparations. Alex said Stark hadn't done anything, and was all about the medication. Not that, that's a bad thing, but you know how I feel about…" Webber put his hand up to stop her continuing, "I never said you couldn't work here Robbins. I can hire you back, but you will have to work under Stark". Oh boy! From what Alex had said that would not be a good thing. "That said I don't want you doing anything until the day after Christmas Day, but be in charge of the holiday festivities. Am I understood?" Arizona knew the smile that grew on her face was big, and framed by dimples, and was the first real smile she had done in over two months. "Yes sir! I'll get on it right away", she rushed. Then it hit her, "Oh no, tomorrow is Christmas Eve!" Webber sat looking slightly entertained by the woman who was now pacing back and forth muttering to herself about Santa costumes and crackers in front of his desk. "You better get busy then Dr Robbins", said in an amused tone. Her head shot from her thoughts before responding "Yes sir. Erm…Can I use the showers? Just I haven't washed yet, with the flight and then Callie…". No more words came out, but they were needed as the Chief seemly ignored the unspoken words, "Of course Dr Robbins, they are there to be used by hospital staff". Before turning to leave the blonde said, "Thank you. For everything, thank you". The look on the man's face told her, he knew she wasn't just thanking him for the job, and just as she made to leave the room he spoke again, "Arizona?" "Yes, sir?" she voice cracked slightly with uncertainly, because the chief very rarely called her by her first name. "Welcome back to Seattle, and I'm sorry about Dr Torres", was his response. Giving him a sad smile, she replied with a simple, "thank you", before leaving the room.
Upon entering the locker room it took a lot will power not to go straight to where "her" locker was. It was no longer her locker. She technically had no locker, so had no things to put in her non-existing locker. In turn this meant no toiletries for to have a shower with. Then it hit her, all surgeons know the risks of working in the environment they do, and know that at any given moment something may happen which requires them to have a shower. Which now she thought about it meant Callie hadn't needed the toiletries she had brought in. Sure enough when Arizona opened the brunette's locker there right in the front were mini versions of the same body wash and shampoo she had left in their owner's room little over an hour ago. After a small debate with herself, she decided she would use a small amount of both, hoping Callie wouldn't mind (and hoping she wouldn't realise and then if there was a problem she would replace it. Pulling out her cell she sent Lexie a text telling her to meet her in the locker room in about thirty minutes, as she had a favour to ask of her.
Grabbing a full set of scrubs, she walked into the shower room peeling off each of her garments before standing naked under the shower head. The second the water started to fall she felt her muscles relax beneath the faucet's spray. After standing for a few minutes, just letting the water fall over her, she uncapped the small bottle of body wash, squirting a moderate amount onto her hand before she began washing herself. It took about ten seconds for the smell of the body wash to hit her, the smell of Callie. The effect was instant; it made her stomach leap with joy and despair. It was her once claimed favourite smell; it still was, maybe mixed with the smell shower sex too. Arizona missed her. There was no other way to put it, she missed her. She missed her laugh, her smile, her small dimples she got when she really smiled, the sound of her voice, her touch, her kindness, her humour. Everything. She missed Calliope Torres. It was then the tears fell, and for the first time since got back she was not embarrassed or ashamed of the tears that fell, because maybe, just maybe there was hope.
Callie's POV
It had been several hours since Bailey had left, they hadn't spoken much, but it was enough for her to realise she needed to talk to Arizona. She was just so frustrated, angry, annoyed…ashamed. She had done some seriously questionable things in the last two months, the worst however it had to be said were her actions last night. Despite what she had done, Arizona had said she had come back for her right? So she would listen to what she had to say, right? Apart of her wanted to phone or text the blonde and tell her to come back so they could talk, but she had done that so much recently and it still angered that it had taken so long for Arizona to do as she asked.
Callie was pulled out of her wonderings by a small knock on the door, it took several attempts for the small "come in" to come from her mouth. The door opened slowly to reveal Lexie in her normal clothes, clutching her blanket. Confusion hit, and it hit hard. In response to the confused look on her face Lexie said, "Er… Arizona asked me to get this for you." To say she was shocked was an understatement. Despite how she had treated her, Arizona had done this for her. Callie would only admit to herself she was a little disappointed and upset by the fact the blonde hadn't brought it herself. That said she had told Arizona to go back to Africa. An overwhelming sensation took over her heart and stomach, Arizona wouldn't, she couldn't go back to Africa. She needed to see her. Lexie dropped the blanket onto Callie's bed, pulling her out of her thoughts once again. Rubbing her temples a little embarrassedly Callie apologised. The other woman shot her an understanding smile, saying "It's fine. I've got to go, meeting Mark later, but if you need anything let us know okay?" She needed Arizona, but she wouldn't have her summoned. "Thank you, and for this", the orthopedic surgeon said as she reached for the orange blanket draped across her legs. Lexie gave a small smile and nod before leaving the room. Sighing heavily, Callie laid backwards onto her pillows, pulling the old blanket upwards, and inhaled deeply. Arizona. She had to speak to her, had to tell her everything. They would shout, and cry, but they needed to make a go of this. If nothing else they had to say they had at least tried.
Arizona'sPOV
It looked as if she could do this Christmas preparation stuff, a few more things were needed to be sorted first before she could claim success, but she was getting there. She just needed sleep. A real, undisturbed night of sleep, one she knew she wouldn't get without a certain Latina hold her in their arms. That however was not going to happened, so she would have to just settle with seeing her one more time before she left for the night, a part of her wished she would be asleep, so they wouldn't argue again. Once again Callie's room was cast into golden light from the small lamp beside her bed, while the woman in question was sat propped up against her pillows staring out of the rain fletched windows, her fingers running over the requested blanket, it seemed Lexie had managed to find it, as she had asked her to. She couldn't help the shiver take ran down her spine when she noted how rosy the tanned woman's skin was, and how pale and clammy it had been about 24 hours before.
"Callie", the blonde said in a low voice as not to shock the pensive woman. Despite the precaution Callie's head span around to look at her so fast Arizona was slightly surprised when it didn't do a full 360 spin. The Latina rolled her eyes in acknowledgement of the older woman's presence, however she didn't look away. The words "Good night Calliope" were on the tip of her tongue; they really were, except those were not the ones which came out. "I left", were the ones that did. Callie's eye brows shot up a fraction in surprise and it seemed expectancy. She was expecting Arizona to say more words…words that Arizona didn't even have in her head yet. "I left, and I was miserable. I had this dream of helping children. Forgetting everything about us, I can't even begin to tell you how bad things were over there. The amount of children I treated who died of sickness, diarrhea and diseases that if we went a drug store for they'd be look at us as if we were stupid and told to take an Aspirin", her voice rose more than she had planned it, anger and annoyance at the simplistic solutions that could be put in place, if money was available. Callie was listening, she looked too shocked to remember to look angry or upset with the blonde, something which didn't last long as Arizona took a deep breath before continuing, "But it wasn't my dream. I was helping these kids, and it was amazing it really was, but it was like being a band aid over a bullet wound. The money…it just wasn't enough for what was needed." Anger took over the Brunette's face, "So you came back, well I'm sorry it wasn't the fairy tale you imagined" she snapped.
"Yes it wasn't what I thought it would be like. Except you are wrong, I came back for you!" Arizona shot back, now equally annoyed as the woman in the bed. The reading on the heart monitor beside Callie's bed spiked, not dangerously so, but it was a heartbreaking and a very real warning to her not to get the Latina too upset. "I could have dealt with how crappy the medical care of there was, how the local gp was also the anaesthesiologist, who had to guess how much the patients needed meaning that on a good day the kid either woke up half way through or everything went smoothly, or as smoothly as they could go considering. On the bad days the kid didn't…" she couldn't finish the sentence. Though looking up, for a moment she knew Callie had understood the unsaid words. Clearing her throat and biting back the tears she went on, "I could have dealt with it, but you weren't there. You were here, and that made me so beyond miserable".
The look in the brown eyes told her exactly what the remark was going to be before it even graced Callie's lips, "I wasn't there because you left me behind. Homeless and jobless. You left me, standing in the middle of the airport. You have no idea what it's been like for me, being HERE, by myself." Despite the angry tone that had laced Callie's words, her voice simply broke with sadness as the warm chocolate eyes swam with tears. As if ashamed of them, Callie looked down unblinking at the hospital blanket covering her lower half. Arizona walked with deliberate slowness towards the young surgeon's bed, feeling the thick emotion rest in her throat, it ignoring her several attempts to swallow it away. When Callie didn't look up or make an indication she should stop, Arizona sat on the edge of Callie's bed, which again Callie didn't hinder her from doing.
"I have an idea what it was like", Arizona spoke in a soft, hushed voice. Despite her emotional outburst, when Callie's head lifted to give her a questioning look, the blonde could not see any tear tracks down the Latina's cheeks, though sadness was etched in every feature. Taking a deep breath she took the hand nearest her, flipping it gently with her own, leaving her thumb resting on Callie's palm. The bright white bandage stared back at them both, a visible reminder of what laid beneath it, and within Callie's soul. "I'm sorry I didn't come back sooner", the blonde breathed, struggling with the emotions which struggled and fought to get out. Without looking up, she took the plunge, "But I'm here now. And I'm staying because I'm going fight to make sure that you know that I'm committed to this thing". Chancing a look up, she saw Callie was looking straight at her. She didn't look angry or upset. If anything she looked scared and vulnerable. It broke her heart to see her look so … broken. The tears were just there on the tip of falling from the brown eyes, daring her to blink so they could break free. Staring straight into those haunting, soulful eyes the blonde continued, taking hold of hand resting on her own, " At some point you're gonna have to forgive me. And it may as well be now, because I'm in love with you, Calliope, and you're in love with me. And all I'm asking for is one more chance."
Callie just looked at her… just looked at her. But Arizona could see the thoughts racing around in her head, could almost hear the cogs going around in her brain. The spell had been broken, she had blinked and now two tears were racing with each other down Callie's skin. All that could be heard was the low beep of the machine, which in reality Callie no longer needed, the rain hitting the glass windows and both women's breathing both hindered by their emotions.
Time seemed to slow, as Callie moved slightly so her body was more facing the short blond, and the hand Arizona had been holding on to, gripped hers in return. Arizona's breath held in her chest, as Callie spoke, "You want another chance?" Arizona resisted the urge to do anything which could jeopardise this moment, but sighed deeply with relief, "Yes more than anything, I want another chance!" The brunette opened her mouth slightly before closing it, again as if trying think of how to word whatever it was she was about to say, but she held tighter onto the blonde's hand. Arizona couldn't help the slight smile that danced across her lips. Callie looked, nervous, anxious, which was hardly surprising, the blonde knew she had a lot to do to make it up to her, and she would do whatever it took. To help her even start trusting her, she knew this wasn't an easy fix, but it was a start. Callie was forgiving her. Arizona's heart flew; it flew to the heavens, and danced amongst the stars. However her heart, body and soul came crashing down to earth with the words, "I Slept with Mark…How about now?"
She was sure her heart stopped beating in that moment, as her body went slack, void of all feeling but the warm hand which was now in her own. Those dark, scared, unsure eyes looking straight at her, silently begging for an answer, for reassurance, for something she had no idea how to give. As those words fell from the Latina's lips, images that were unwelcome, unwanted and sickening flooded her mind. As those words destroyed the blonde's resolve, the hospital door opened with a click.