How I Cultivated In Remnant By Eating Bing Ji Ling

Commissioned by Lives2DieAgain

When you've lived with seven sisters for most of your life, it's hard not to pick up a few things here and there. Whether it be small things like verbal tics, or larger things like involving oneself with less 'manly' hobbies, you can't live in a female dominated household and not somehow end up with a few of their quirks. I was lucky enough that my particular acquired skill was something a bit more respectable, that being that I was a rather snappy dancer, if I did say so myself. However, it was an exhaustingly hot summer evening when I found myself engaging in another of my sisterly activities; drowning my sorrows over a tub of ice cream.

Why was I 'drowning my sorrows?' Why not? I had plenty of reasons to at that time. It was my second year of Beacon Academy, and I was still so far behind my other classmates in terms of skill and strength. I was still single, and that didn't look to be changing anytime soon, what with my reputation among my peers being that of a lackluster fighter and socially awkward dork. My crush not only still didn't give me any respect, but was happily involved with another guy. My partner still treated me like I was an infant with my hand stuck in a cookie jar, and I felt my teammates didn't really respect me as a leader, and pitied me instead. I could go on, but I didn't write this down to mope. What matters is that fateful summer evening, I had plenty of reasons to feel the need to buy an extra large tub of Rocky Road and devour it all in a state of hedonistic apathy.

Oh, I should probably introduce myself before I go on. My name's Jaune Arc. I'm 18 years old, and I'm training to become a Huntsman at Beacon Academy. Leader of team JNPR, and the third oldest in a set of eight siblings. I guess this is the part where I try to act like I was super hot or something, but if I'm being honest, I'm rather tall, gangly, and awkward on my feet when there isn't a beat going on. Or, that's to say, I was.

Everything changed when I bought that tub of ice cream. Not that I would have guessed it; I mean, who the hell expects that laying about in my undershirt and boxers would somehow lead to me becoming one of the strongest Huntsmen ever? No, I'm not kidding. I remember the evening like it happened yesterday. My teammates and I were all in a state of what Ren would describe as "lethargy." Even Nora, a girl I thought could never run out of energy, was laying across Ren's lap idly flicking through her scroll, the muggy heat somehow draining the energy from the living dynamo that was my teammate. Ren was quiet, sitting in what he called a "Lotus Position," doing his meditation thing. He said it not only helped with Aura control, but helped to, as he put it, "Cultivate Qi."

I'd asked him about that before, but never got a clear answer. Some sort of spiritual thing, that was all I'd ever picked up from his lengthy lectures. Lastly, my partner Pyrrha was studying, or at least appeared to be. Every time I looked up though, she was staring right at me with an expression that I couldn't quite place. Hunger perhaps, but that didn't make any sense as I'd offered to share my stash with the rest of my team, and they all refused. Then, there was me. Laying on my bed in boxers and an undershirt, earbuds in, spoon in one hand a tub of frozen, chocolaty goodness in the other. Feeling sorry for myself. It was a sorry state. Yet, I could feel myself feeling better as I ate.

Spoonful after spoonful I ate, in that empty-headed trance where your body is sort of acting on autopilot. Maybe it was the coolness of the treat contrasting with the ambient heat. Maybe it was the relaxing atmosphere of a lazy summer evening. Perhaps it was neither of those things, but something more. As I ate, and the night progressed, my ill mood seemed to drain away, and by the time I'd finished my ice cream, I felt strangely energetic. The summer air no longer felt like it was sapping my energy. Maybe, I thought to myself, my sisters had a pretty good idea. This whole eating your sorrows away is pretty poggers. Wait, Pyrrha is staring at me again.

"You sure you don't want any?" I offered, gesturing to the ice cream bucket, which at that point was down to a third of its contents. "You look pretty hungry. C'mon, one cheat day isn't going to ruin your figure."

I swore I heard her murmur something about 'being hungry for something,' but she smiled and shook her head. "Thank you Jaune, really, but um…" she trailed off, as if in thought. "...I can't say Rocky Road is a particular favorite."

Nodding, I ate another spoonful. I could understand; to each their own flavor. Nora piped up, her voice a lazy drawl instead of its usual bombastic fervor: "She's certainly thirsty."

Pyrrha's gaze turned to Nora with a rather embarrassed glower. "N-Nora!" She chastised.

"It's fine," I replied through another mouthful of ice cream, "I understand."

Pyrrha's eyes widened. "Wait, r-really?" She looked shocked, which confused me.

"Yeah, I mean given how hot it is, who could blame you for being thirsty?"

My answer was three simultaneous facepalms, which, while definitely entertaining enough to see in unison, left me feeling rather like I'd missed something important. "What? I'm right aren't I? Does Aura turn you into a camel or something? Guys? Come on!"

When I awoke the next day, I felt incredible. It was hard to pinpoint what it was, but I practically sprang out of bed before my alarm went off feeling like I'd had the best sleep of my life. Pyrrha, who was in the process of getting changed into some workout gear, noticed my movement with open surprise. "What?" I said, feeling a little cockier than usual, "Can't a guy wake up early?"

Looking back on what has occurred, I could hardly blame Pyrrha for being so shocked, but at the time I assumed she was just so caught off guard since I was never a 'morning person.' I watched her staring at me, her mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. Finally, she managed to find her voice and in a tone that sounded way too meek, spoke up, "Jaune? You, uh…you look…"

Did I still have bedhead? It must have been a major case of it, to have Pyhrra of all people speechless. I ran a hand through my hair as I looked around for a mirror or reflective surface to see how bad the damage was. What I didn't expect was for Pyrrha to give a high pitched squeal, her face to turn as red as her hair, her legs to quiver like she was about to drop, and for her to suddenly bolt out the door like she was late for class. Weirdest interaction I thought I'd ever have with her. Since I wasn't able to figure out what was wrong with her, I decided it was time to be productive with the energy I had and go for an early morning jog.

I wasn't the only one with that idea; in addition to Pyrrha, many other students got up early to put in their cardio paces. Normally I wasn't one of those myself, but that morning I was a wellspring of energy. As I began a leisurely pace around Beacon's campus, I passed by some familiar faces. Coco and Velvet from team CFVY jogged by me, and to my curiosity and concern, I found them staring at me with slack jaws and open eyes. I waved at them, trying to give my best smile. To my surprise, Coco tripped in mid stride, and Velvet froze up, shivering.

"Are you guys al-" I began, wanting to help a fellow classmate out.

"EVERYTHING'SFINEGOODWONDERFULBYE!!!" Coco suddenly spoke up in a rush as she swiftly got to her feet. She ran to Velvet and picked her up bridal style, and before I could speak another word, ran off just as fast if not faster than my own partner did. I was left standing there, feeling a tad foolish, and rather confused. I raised an arm and gave my pits an experimental sniff. I didn't smell, and my hair looked fine, so what was with the reactions? I glanced around, and noticed even more people staring at me with that same look of utter shock. My curiosity started to become annoyance. What the hell was with everyone that morning?

Before I could snap, a familiar voice called out that snapped me out of my growing frustration. "Woo! Hey there, Vomit Bo-oooooyyyy…" Yang's voice trailed off as she approached me in that way that only someone who was totally off guard spoke. Fortunately for me, she clarified what it was that so threw her for a loop shortly thereafter. "Damn, Jaune, looking good! Did you get a haircut or something last night?"

I shook my head, confused. Was she just messing with me? "Uh…no?"

Yang paused and rubbed her chin, eyebrows narrowing in thought. "There's just something different about you this morning. Whatever it is, you gotta stick with it."

That was odd. I hadn't done anything different as far as I knew, at least other than getting up early, and the only reason for that was a sudden burst of unexplained energy. I paused as a thought rose to the surface; was this the whole 'confidence' thing my dad had gone on about? I'd always assumed him to be absolutely full of it, after my disastrous wooing of Weiss Schnee, but I had it finally somehow 'clicked' with me overnight? Feeling even more energy, and a swelling of pride in my chest, I affixed Yang with an ear to ear grin. "You know it."

My eyes had to have been deceiving me; there was no way that Yang Xiao Long was actually blushing at my words. I blinked, and she was back to normal, making me wonder if I'd somehow imagined the whole thing. "Hell yeah I do. So what has you up this early? Normally you'd be out like Ruby."

I shrugged. "Dunno. Just woke up feeling like a million Lien and wanted to get up and get out."

"New morning, new you?"

"New me, who dis?" I joked back, earning a snort of laughter from Yang. Man, I was making Yang of all people laugh, and this time it wasn't even at me! I was on fire.

I recall Yang's smile turning strangely predatory all of the sudden. "Well, let me slide into your DMs and I'll jog your memory…" Chalking it up to my imagination, I laughed at what I assumed was her running with the joke. "So, want to join me for a jog around Beacon?"

"Only if you can keep up!" Yang winked, and started jogging off again, this time a bit faster than she'd approached me. Normally I would have simply shrugged her off, assuming there was no way I could match her pace. That morning, however? Something told me that it wasn't going to be a problem, and so I simply picked up the pace myself, and followed behind Yang, silently enjoying the view from behind that her exercise shorts were giving.

The second sign that something was amiss that morning came from the fact that somehow, I'd not only managed to keep pace with Yang the entire morning, but by the end began to outpace her. This was unprecedented. I mean, I was no pushover, but Yang had been training most of her life to be a Huntress, and so her stamina should have far outpaced mine. Yet as the time for breakfast began to roll around and the great bell of Beacon chimed, Yang looked like she was about to pass out, all sweaty and hunched over as she tried to catch her breath. You'll never hear me admit it out loud, but seeing her all sweaty and disheveled like that was kinda hot.

I'm getting off track here; what matters is that there was no way I could normally beat Yang in a physical contest. Running though likely options, my brain settled onto what it felt was the most likely reason. "You feelin' alright?" I asked. Perhaps my team wasn't the only one affected by the summer humidity. Heatstroke perhaps? Could you even get heatstroke with Aura?

Yang's answer broke me out of my introspective musings. (Ha! I knew that word of the day calendar would come in handy!) "Huff- Maybe…" She shook her head as she leaned against the white stone of Beacon. "Man, you're at the top of your game today…puff…who are you, and what did you do with Vomit Boy?"

Smiling wryly at my unwanted nickname, I shrugged. "Maybe all that training from Pyrrha's finally paying off?"

Yang shot me a disbelieving look, and in her defense, I doubted myself either. Still, she seemed to accept it with a helpless shrug as she picked herself off the wall. "I gotta get cleaned up; catch you at the cafeteria." With a strangely saucy wink, I watched Yang sashay away, and after a quick prayer to the Brothers for the early morning treat, made my way back to the dorms to get cleaned up and ready for breakfast myself.

On my way back, I found myself being stared at by more and more people. While at the beginning of the day I found it to be concerning, after Yang, I was feeling more and more confident. Guys were flashing me looks of envy, and I finally recognized the looks on the faces of the female students I passed: attraction. I'd only ever seen girls look like that towards others, but towards me? By the time I entered the dorm room, I was the cock of the walk. I would be surprised again that day to find the dorm empty. Nora and Pyrrha wasn't that big a deal to see up and about getting in their reps early, but Ren up and around early? Was the world ending, I wondered. Or did I stumble into a mirror world where I was charismatic and popular? Either way, I wasn't going to complain.

I quickly showered and got changed into my school uniform, having only difficulty with that bastard tie. Pyrrha normally gave me a hand, but for some reason she was acting really odd that morning. Come to think of it, she'd been acting odd for the past few days. Unless she told me what was going on though, I wasn't going to be of any help, so rather than dwell on it, I simply got myself as presentable as possible and stepped out the door, ready to blow away my classmates with my newfound confidence and charisma…or so I thought.

My entrance into the cafeteria was much like my jog around Beacon; heads turned wherever I walked. While having a few people at a time checking me out was a damn good feeling, I had to admit that it was rather embarrassing to have an entire cafeteria staring at you so intently, and so I quickly grabbed my breakfast and scouted out my team. Pyrrha noticed me approaching and once more her face seemed to match her hair as an intense blush came across her face. I sat down next to her as usual, raising an eyebrow. "Pyr," I started, "If you're feeling ill, take the day off. I'm sure the teachers will understand."

Pyrrha swallowed audibly. "I-I-I'm f-fine!" She picked up a fork with a shaking hand and I frowned. I couldn't just leave my partner in such a state.

"Pyrrha, I'm serious. You look like you're going to collapse at any moment. You gotta take a break."

"Aw, she's alright," Nora interjected, spearing a forkful of syrup drenched scrambled eggs. "She just sees something she likes."

I turned to give Nora a look of confusion, but as I did so, I got a look at team RWBY, who always sat beside us. Aside from Yang, who was still sporting a rather saucy grin, the looks from the rest of the team were a surprise. Ruby and Blake both looked as if their eyebrows were about to meld with their hairline. Ruby wasn't too surprising, given how she always seemed to wear her heart on her sleeve. Blake though? Seeing that level of open emotion from such a normally cool girl was astonishing. Then, because I could never seem to keep my eyes off of her, even after I helped her get together with one Neptune Vasilias, my gaze landed on Weiss Schnee.

I will always remember the look on her face. When Weiss blushed, there was no hiding it, given how fair her skin was, and boy was she blushing. Her and Pyrrha seemed to be in a contest and- when I stopped and thought about it deeply, why was she blushing like that? Could she actually find me attractive? I would have explored that train of thought more, but that's when something poked me in the brain. No, seriously, that was the best way I could think to describe it. One minute I was musing about the slim possibility that my partner might have had more than friendly feelings towards me, and the next it was like some sort of spider sense was going off. When I looked around to figure out what could have been doing it, I locked eyes with Lie Ren, and recoiled.

Ren's expression was one of pure, unadulterated frustrated confusion, and if his gaze could kill he'd be boring a hole right through me and into some poor unsuspecting student behind me. It was such an intense display of emotion from a guy who normally was so chill, that him talking in a slightly annoyed tone was the equivalent of a swearing rant from anyone else. "Uh…" I began, at a total loss for words. With what felt like damn near mythical effort, I somehow tore my gaze away from Ren, while still feeling his eyes boring right through me, and turned finally and fully to Nora. The question I was going to ask must have been clear as day on my face, however, as I was met with yet another rarity; Nora giving me a helpless expression and a shrug, as though she were just as confused by everything as I was.

Unable to deal with what was shaping up to be a very strange morning, I let my gaze dip down to my cereal and quietly ate, doing my best to ignore the squeaks from Pyrrha, the stares from RWBY, or the look of unmitigated consternation from my best male friend.

It was definitely a very strange day when I actually found myself looking forward to Combat Class. Normally I dreaded Combat Class. At best, it was just me watching people who knew how to fight better than me show off and remind me of how far behind them I was in terms of skill and strength. At worst, I was front and center demonstrating my lack of skill and strength in front of my peers. Today though, I wanted something that made sense. Having Cardin Winchester beat the crud out of me (and it was always Cardin Winchester) would at least let me know that I wasn't in some sort of mirror universe where the Grimm gave out fruit baskets and hugs.

As usual, after we all sat down and Ms. Goodwitch took attendance, Cardin and I were called to the front of the class. I relished not just the opportunity for some normalcy but a chance to remove myself from Ren's withering glower. I had yet to ask him what his deal was, and as long as he continued to look at me like he was hoping to slice me open and see what made me tick, I had no intention of doing so. Practically jumping out of my seat, I skipped down the stairs and got ready to face my foe with a vigor I hadn't felt in ages. Upon seeing Cardin's face, however, I realized that the day was not done throwing me curveballs. I was used to seeing Cardin greeting me with a smile, or at least a mocking one. An actual genuine smile? One that looked downright respectful even? Oh God, was I going to get a basket of puppies from the next Beowulf I encountered?

"Before we go at it," Cardin began, "Just wanted to say: nice. Very nice. Looks like you totally rocked her world too." I followed his gaze to see Pyrrha, staring down at me with that same expression she had earlier, albeit a bit hungrier. Blinking, I turned back to Cardin in confusion.

"Uh…thanks? I think?"

Cardin laughed. "C'mon man, don't need to play humble! Seriously, nice job. Didn't think you had it in you, but damn if you didn't prove me wrong. Look at you, look like a million Lien."

That settled it. I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, what it had to do with Pyrrha, or why he was looking at me with what I could only describe as "newfound respect." At one point I might have found the gesture to be heartwarming, the start of a new friendship. At that moment, I'd rather he started swinging. So, I just put on my best smile and gestured my head towards Ms. Goodwitch who looked like she was finishing setting up the calibrations for the Aura system she used to oversee fights between students. "We should, uh…" I raised Crocea Mors sheepishly.

He got the hint, luckily, and pulled out his mace. "Right. You gotta tell me the deets later, yeah?"

Sure, if I could figure out what the hell he was going on about. "Fighters, at the ready!" Ms. Goodwitch intoned, signaling an end to the talks, which was just fine by me. "Get set!" I planted myself in the appropriate stance, taught to me by Pyrrha, and tried to focus solely on the fight ahead. "Go!"

Cardin moved first. He usually did, since I was more of a planner than someone who fought by the seat of their pants. That day though, much like everything else that was going on, something was…off. The last few times we fought, I recall Cardin being a lot faster, crossing the distance between the two of us in what felt to me like only a couple of seconds. Now, it seemed like he was moving through glue. My brow furrowed as I tried to figure out just what the hell he was playing at now. Was this some sort of elaborate joke?

He got in closer, and took a swing and- no, there was no way this wasn't some sort of weird prank. His usual swings were deceptively quick for his size, which made defending against the heavy weapon all the harder. That day though, I could see his movements so clearly. I sidestepped the slow swing, letting it pass by me close enough to see the detail in the mace's design. Was he mocking me? Confusion turned to anger. The bastard was going slow on purpose wasn't he?! I grit my teeth, and stepped forward into his guard. If he was going to fuck around, I was going to make sure he found out. I swung my shield into him and-

Okay, look, I'm not going to mince words. I'm not a complete idiot, and I have, or had anyway, a pretty good idea of the limits of my strength. Even with Aura, there's just some things I can't do. So when I rammed into Cardin with my shield, I expected him to say, push him back a bit and take out a chunk of his Aura. Get him to actually fight me, get him angry. What I wasn't expecting was for me to meet him mid-charge and watch him get picked up off the floor and launched, flying a good fifteen feet back before slamming into the wall that surrounded the arena. He hit the concrete with enough force to actually leave a sizable crater in the material, and I was so shocked that I barely registered the buzzer that signaled the end of the fight.

In the following moments, the room had gone quiet, with only the pained groans of Cardin as he tried to peel himself from the wall to break it. All eyes were on me once more. Unsure of what to say, or even do in that situation, I glanced at Ms. Goodwitch, who looked as flummoxed as the rest of the class, and murmured, "I, uh…I gotta…go to the nurse…" before I decided to bolt out of the arena and out of the class entirely. I could hear the murmurs of the students behind me, and as the door behind me shut, I swore I heard Ren of all people speak up…

I don't recall how long I wandered Beacon for, trying to make heads or tails of what had occurred. It was one thing to suddenly become Mr. Handsome; that I could explain away by simply being confident as my old man told me. I couldn't explain how the hell I managed to one-shot Cardin in combat, when last we met, he had beaten me by a comfortable margin. Nothing made sense. I hadn't changed how I used my Aura, I wasn't taking any supplements that would give me super strength either. If it was a Semblance, it would have been some sort of bullshit, overpowered one. Was that it? Was I just lucky enough to have unlocked some sort of super empowering Semblance?

So deep in my own thoughts was I, that I never heard the nearby door open up. I sure as hell noticed when something or someone grabbed me by the shoulder and with inhuman strength dragged me into what I noticed was an empty classroom before slamming me against the wall with enough force to drive the air temporarily from my lungs.

"How?!"

Blearily, my vision focused and I found myself face to face with a very intense glare from one Lie Ren. Noticing his extremely agitated state, I took a breath, summoned up all of the diplomacy and tact I could muster, and responded with an elegantly simple, "Bwuh?"

Yeah, I'm no wordsmith at the best of times, and having my best friend slam me against the wall in inexplicable rage wasn't helping matters.

"How do you have so much Qi?!"

I would have liked to have responded, but Ren's grip on my collar was starting to cut air off, so all I could do was give a gurgle, and begin to panic as I assumed my friend and teammate was trying to kill me for some unknown reason. A moment passed as I stared into his magenta eyes, and at once, his expression softened to a more confused expression that mirrored my own emotions, and his grip loosened on me, letting me collect my breath enough to speak. "Dude, what the hell?!"

Ren didn't respond immediately, but instead stared hard at me, brow furrowing in deep concentration. "You…you have no idea, do you?"

"No! Did I do something to upset Nora? You know I'd never mean to!"

Ren shook his head, and instead of answering, began to pace back and forth in front of me, muttering under his breath. I picked up only a few words as I tried to collect myself and figure out what came over him. Something about "cultivation," and "devils." Finally, he turned to me again. "Jaune," he began slowly, "Do you have any idea what's been going on today? Like at all?"

"Not a damn clue!" I snapped back, probably a bit more petulantly than was required, but given how confusing the day had been, I think I could be forgiven for indulging in a bit of childish spite. Thankfully, Ren seemed to be back to his old self, as rather than get angry again, he nodded calmly, his expression openly thoughtful.

"The reason why you suddenly seem so charismatic, and so much stronger, is because right now you're practically overflowing with Qi."

"Uh-huh," I answered in that tone I reserved for trying to pretend like I knew what the person in question was talking about, even though I actually didn't have a clue.

Ren saw right through me, which was probably for the best, and he clarified, "We've discussed this briefly before; Qi is spiritual energy, similar to, but much different from Aura. Normally one would gain it through Cultivation, accruing it through meditation, martial arts, or other methods of spiritual refinement. It takes many years though, and yet overnight, you've gone from having almost no Qi to speak of, to a veritable wellspring of it."

Mulling it over, I added, "Why the hell did you have to toss me around like that then?"

Ren bowed, his expression apologetic. "I'm sorry. I acted rashly, and out of surprise. You seem just as confused as I am about this sudden boost in Qi. See, Cultivation isn't just a short-term activity. I've been trying to Cultivate for years with only moderate success. You've somehow found a method to acquire more Qi overnight than I have through years of meditation."

That was a surprise, to put it mildly. How the hell did I manage to acquire this 'spiritual energy' by accident? "I…don't know? I haven't done anything different as of late!" I stood full upright, racking my brain for any possible explanation.

"You weren't this full of Qi yesterday, so it had to be something rather recent, within the past 24 hours." Ren explained.

I nodded, mulling over the previous day's events to find what could have been the source for this Qi stuff, but nothing stuck out. "Dude, I have no clue. All I did yesterday was hang out in the dorm, play scroll games, eat some ice cream, take a shower and-"

Ren cut me off. "Wait a moment." His expression turned thoughtful again, then confused, then thoughtful, before settling in an entertaining mixture of the two. "It…couldn't be that simple, could it?"

"Wanna share with the class what's going on?"

Ren looked back at me. "Jaune, do you have any of that ice cream left? It's a long shot, but I'm wondering if it could be connected."

My confusion must have been clear as day; what the hell did eating ice cream like a slob have to do with 'Cultivating,' or 'Qi?' Regardless, I answered the question: "Y-yeah. I bought a couple of buckets of the stuff in case anyone else wanted some. It's in the communal kitchen."

Nodding, Ren turned on his heel, then looked over his shoulder at me, expression almost comically serious given the subject. "Quickly, to the kitchen, before someone else decides to eat any!"

I would have liked to have asked him more questions, as the more he explained, the less sense everything made, but by that point he was already rushing out the classroom with almost panicked speed. Without any other recourse, I followed behind him, hoping that the frozen treat might finally actually give me some answers.

We arrived at the communal kitchen in a shockingly quick amount of time for the amount of distance the two of us had to cover. Much like my jog around Beacon, neither of us were winded by the time we made it to the freezer where sat the second bucket of ice cream. Ren opened it up, and seemed relieved upon finding the bucket of Neapolitan ice cream sitting there, untouched. "Is this it?"

"Yeah." It wasn't anything special; it was cheap, gas-station carried ice cream that came in a large, plastic bucket. Hell, I'd bought ice cream from them before and didn't spontaneously acquire superpowers. I watched as Ren approached the bucket with the seriousness of a bomb defusal expert, and opened the lid up with a series of plastic pops as the tabs holding the lid on were pried off. He leaned into the freezer, and I could hear him sniffing. It was almost comical, like Ren was a caveman who'd never heard of this, 'iced cream,' thing.

"Give me a spoon."

I shrugged. If this was some elaborate prank to get his hands on some ice cream, it was unnecessary. It wasn't like I minded sharing. Still, I did as he said and handed him a clean spoon. Delicately, he scooped up some of the vanilla, and took a bite. Moments passed as he seemed to be focusing hard on the morsel. Then, he swallowed and slowly turned to me with a look of open astonishment. That day I saw more emotion from Ren than I had for the entire year I'd known him.

"Jaune? Where did you get this from?"

"The Shoot and Scoot gas station in North Vale? Why?"

Ren closed the ice cream bucket, then the freezer door before turning to face me fully. "Jaune, I'll be level with you. This ice cream has been infused with an almost obscene amount of Yang."

I blinked. Then blinked again. It was by the time of the third blink that my thought process rebooted enough for me to reply, "...come again?" I misheard him, right? Yang? What, was I going to suddenly start saying bad puns and caring way too much about my hair? How did one infuse ice cream with Yang anyway? My brain had only started to inch towards inappropriate territory with that thought before Ren spoke up again.

"Not that Yang. I'm referring to the other half of natural energy. Yin, and Yang. Cosmic balance. Yin is Female, Soft, Dark, and the energy of the Moon. Yang is Male, Hard, Light, and the energy of the sun. Together, these in harmony are present in all things." Ren carefully explained. I nodded along, sort of getting at what he meant. "However," he clarified, "Yang energy alone shouldn't be enough to cause you to spontaneously Cultivate so rapidly thoug-" Ren paused, and stroked his chin in deep contemplation.

"What's up?" I asked, figuring he'd come to some sort of realization.

"Well…I have a theory. Just a theory. You lived your whole life around many women, right? Your mother and seven sisters?"

I snorted. "Yeah. It was a real clam bake for most of my life."

"My theory is this; you might actually be a Natural Cultivator. However, through your life, you've only been able to accumulate Yin energy due to the proximity of your family. By the time you entered Beacon, your body's natural balance was completely thrown off, so you were unable to properly Cultivate. That is, until you ate this ice cream. The influx of Yang energy has put your body into balance, and set your meridians into overdrive. Like a man dying of thirst in the desert, overnight you accumulated vast quantities of Qi."

I think I understood about half of what he said. "So…in short, I got stronger, or 'Cultivated,' by eating Ice Cream."

Ren sighed, and nodded, body almost seeming to deflate as if the absurdity of the situation finally got to him. "There's just one piece missing to this whole thing."

"What's that?"

"Why has someone taken the trouble to refine Yang energy, and why on Remnant would they infuse it into ice cream of all things?"

Neo was furious.

Actually, that might have been an understatement. Scratch that; it was an understatement. Even a word such as livid might have been too light a descriptor to show just how apoplectically wrathful Neopolitan was. Did no one understand just how long it took to refine the amount of Yang energy she'd managed to extract from countless male Faunus and humans? Was she the only intelligent person on Remnant who understood just how important that ice cream was?!

And that idiot, that fool, that simpleton of an alchemist had the nerve to claim that his apocalyptic mistake of misplacing the shipment among public shipments of ice cream, was because she overworked him?! Neo paced the floor of her penthouse, hand tightening around an already cracking scroll, face red with blind rage.

That alchemist had better pray to the Gods that she was able to find that ice cream before someone else did, or she was going to refine him down to his essence and find a new one! And heavens help the poor bastard who dared to devour her hard work…

A/N: So, uh...yeah. That was a thing.

Apologies for the delay with my other pieces, and no, I don't plan to make this a series. This was a commissioned piece by a certain mushroom; my first commissioned piece, in fact. And what does the shroom do?

Commission me to write a Cultivation piece (a genre I know nothing about) based on a running gag between us (which is an absurd concept enough as it is) on Remnant of all places. (Because the aforementioned things didn't make things hard enough as it was.) And because I apparently enjoy pain, I decided to write the entire thing in first-person (a perspective I'm inexperienced in writing in.). Thus was born this pile of absolute madness.

And before anyone familiar with the Cultivation genre says, "That's not how that works! That's not how any of this works!" Do note I started this with no experience with the genre, and even now barely understand it. Also, this is insane enough as it is; don't try and bring logic or 'good taste' into this.

And Lives, I hope you're happy, you crazy Cordyceps.