Title: It's All Your Fault
Author: Trance-Faith
Rating: M – suicide and suicidal tendencies.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended. Also the song words used in this fanfic are Paramore's "emergency" and Pink's "It's all your fault".
Author's Note 1: In terms of Grey's storyline – this is set after their break up, in 7x07.
Author's Note 2: Back home, so safe to say updates won't be as frequent! I love the mixed reviews I have gotten for the last two chapters, which was EXACTLY what I wanted – including the confusion, and some of the things I put in went unnoticed, which is BRILLIANT! I know some of you think this story is slow or slower than you want it to be – I'm sorry but real life isn't that quick. Callie tried to kill herself less than a month ago, how can you expect rainbows and puppies?
Author's Note 3: Don't hate me, and don't assume.
Beta: No beta was used while I wrote this, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own.
Reviews: Are much wanted please!
"Cause I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive." – Emergency by Paramore
Arizona's POV
Buzzing and cotton were the two words that came to Arizona's mind before she could even open her eyes. Her head was buzzing from the two women's conversation she could just make out, through the din of her hangover. Her mouth felt as if it was full of cotton, it seemed she had had a lot to drink the night before. Opening her eyes felt like she was being stabbed, as the too bright light hit them. Lifting her head from where it lay on the couch was a difficult task, as the back of her head throbbed and her neck seemed to be protesting at the movement. A low groan fell from her lips, as her one of friends came into view just over the back of the couch she was occupying.
"Morning sleeping beauty", the oldest woman called a little too loudly from the kitchen area, before planting a cup of coffee on the table a little too loudly. Laughing slightly at Arizona hypersensitivity she popped an aspirin into her hand, before collecting all the clothes from the floor that the women had discarded the day before. When she bent down Arizona realised she had wet hair, and was dressed in her own black robe, and was pretty sure it was all she wearing. A little annoyed that her friend had just took it without asking, had she been asked she would have offered her the baby blue robe. She had taken to wearing the black robe whenever she could. It was the robe that Callie had gotten her exactly a year ago, though while she enjoyed wearing it, she had more good memories taking it off.
The spiky haired blonde came half bounding out of the room she'd slept in, fully dressed, and grabbed a cup Arizona hoped she had left there when she'd last been in the kitchen. Whatever was in the cup was soon knocked back and drained, before the blonde sprinted towards the apartment door, and shouted "bye" to the apartment at large, and disappeared out of sight before either woman could reply.
After taking the aspirin and gulping down several mouthfuls of lukewarm coffee, she was glad to say she was feeling considerably better than she had when she first woke up. The scantily-clad woman came striding into the room once again, pulling on Arizona arm. "Come on, shower now", she ordered. Somehow she had ended up into front of the older woman; her feet currently felt like weights, as both women entered the bedroom.
The blonde surgeon's muscles ached. It felt as if everything down to her core hurt this morning. She wasn't surprised, but was still shocked and angry at herself and the world that today, she felt this much pain. As she stepped under the running faucet she groaned with satisfaction, from somewhere deep within her chest as the jet ran itself over her taut muscles. As the water washed itself over her, she felt her tension flow away, and the distinct smell that was "bar" was washed away. Today. Today she going to do it was going to talk to Callie. Just maybe something could come out today that was positive, and worth while.
As the blonde lathered up her darkened hair, she couldn't help but hear the words her friends had said the night before. How could she have let this go on for so long? The usual tinge of guilt hit her square in the gut, as she remembered once again that had she not gone to Africa so many things would be different. She could have turned the grant down; the resulting way things had ended up with was the same. How could she have been so stupid? She'd nearly killed the love of her life by staying away, and yet here she was three weeks later, doing it again. She would try, today, she would try. Arizona knew Callie started slightly before her this afternoon, so would try if she could, to talk to the Latina. She expected shouting, swearing, Spanish rants and maybe objects been threw about the room.
Once rinsed she dried herself off and brushed the disgusting taste from her mouth that only follows a night of drinking. Next was deodorant, combing her hair and putting on the bra and underwear she'd grabbed on her way to the bathroom. A shout of her own name from the other room made her groan, and pulling an annoyed face the other woman couldn't see as she grabbed a towel around her. Once exiting the bathroom her friend came into view in the bedroom door, dressed in the exact attire she had been when she'd last seen her. "Got a visitor, they need your help", came the usual Canadian drawl. Gesturing to her own attire, Arizona made an incredulous face at the woman. "I don't think she'll mind", the brunette laughed.
Callie's POV
Jealousy. Anger. Despair. Grief. She was beautiful. There was no way Callie Torres could deny this woman was beautiful. Despite her anger and distress at the woman stood in front of her, she couldn't help but notice that the silk robe clung to the woman's frame like a glove, and instantly hated this woman. Arizona couldn't have…Surely she wouldn't have. She knew she should have come and talk to the blonde sooner, but she thought they both needed time, that they had time. She'd been worried Arizona wouldn't have listened. That she wouldn't listen to Arizona. Callie hadn't wanted to come across needy, that said coming home to find your ex girlfriend lying in a bathtub after a suicide attempt, probably comes across as needy. Arizona had said she would wait. She'd said she would tell Callie everyday that she loved her and how sorry she was if she let her. But she hadn't let her. She could have come that day she'd seen Arizona flee into the apartment, and told her out straight, that they needed to both grow up and take responsibilities for their own actions before the grant, before Africa and after. She should have told the blonde how sorry she was for the way she had acted, tell her she was and still was so proud of her achievements. She should have told her how sorry she was for what she'd come home to, how glad she was that it had failed and how sorry she was for Mark. But she hadn't. She knew the blonde had too much pride, and an overactive mind, and allowed the blonde to run too far in the opposite direction, just out of site. Because she hadn't done so many things, she may have just lost Arizona forever.
"You need Arizona, right?" the brunette asked calling Callie out of her inner ramblings. Callie had a feeling by the look on the other's face she didn't realise the innuendo she'd just made, and didn't know the effect it would have on the Latina. After knocking and staring like an idiot there was no way she could say no, however her voice seemed to betray her too because said the first thing that came into her head, "Yeah, I need an article I think is in one of the boxes here". The robed woman opened the door further, stepping aside; it seemed she expected Callie to walk into her old apartment. Taking a deep breath she made an awkward step forward into a place she knew so well, though she wasn't used to it being furnished with so many piles of many boxes. Callie made her way over to her old couch, before sitting down, wishing more than anything she hadn't knocked on the blue door. "She's just out of the shower, I'll get her", the other woman said. Shower. It was clear this near naked brunette had just left the depths of the shower, if Arizona had just finished in the shower too, did that mean…uninvited images of both women writhing and grinding against the tiled walls invaded her brain as she resisted the urge to vomit again. Once again realising how Arizona had been feeling for the last three weeks.
Before she could protest the other woman called Arizona's name, before leaning on the doorframe of their old bedroom. She heard the bathroom door click open; the robed woman smirked before saying, "Got a visitor, they need your help". Nothing from the bedroom followed this announcement, however the only woman Callie could see looked back over to her with an amused smile on her face and laugh to her voice, "I don't think she'll mind". Arizona's water darkened blonde head shot around the corner, and Callie could see she at least had a bra on beneath the white towel wrapped around her. Seeing her visitor was Callie, Arizona retreated back into the bedroom, only to appear within the minute, now donned in her baby blue robe.
"What's up?" Arizona said in a much steadier voice than the one she'd used yesterday. Callie heard the question, but her brain refused to decode the meaning of it for her to answer. There Arizona stood in her older, slightly bigger blue robe, with as far as she could tell just her bra on, next to the much taller brunette who, from what she could see through the robe, was most definitely not wearing a bra! Arizona looked more relaxed than she did yesterday, though her eyes looked slightly blood shot, this however was due to the amount of alcohol she had consumed the previous night. Her darkened hair hung loosely, while other pieces clung to her face, neck and upper chest which she was display a small amount of cleavage, her baby blue eyes looking at her expectantly.
A muffled cough made her jump slightly, as the other brunette was fighting back a smirk, "She said something about an article". "Oh..." she faux a cough. "Yes I have a surgery today, but I want to look something up", she said trying her hardest to sound convincing and unfazed by the scene before her. Arizona looked momentarily surprised but soon recovered herself, "Erm… I haven't unpacked all the boxes, as you can see", she laughed slightly nervously. "But I haven't come across articles, which means", the blonde continued surveying the room. "They are in those boxes", she said with deliberate slowness as she tried to remember which of the unpacked boxes she hadn't looked in, before pointing to the pile by Cristina's old room.
"Crap! It's nearly nine" exclaimed the older brunette before running into the room which had belonged to Callie and then Callie and Arizona. The blonde openly chuckled at the other's woman's distress at being late for whatever she was late for, as she made her way over to the pile of boxes she had indicated should hold Callie's make believe article. "Can you get me the scissors?" Arizona asked, lifting her head to meet Callie's gaze only to give her a full viewing of the blonde's previously semi-covered cleavage. Without speaking Callie leapt up as if she had been burned, walking on auto pilot to the draw that had previously held the scissors and there they were. The dark haired Canadian came rushing out of the bedroom in a blouse and a pair of dark blue underwear, and looked on kitchen floor for something. Callie saw the item before its owner did. A black skirt was in a pile near the fridge, was grabbed and pulled up the legs that seemed to go on forever and fastened around the woman's slim waist. Once again she resisted the urge to throw up in the sink next to her, as uninvited images of both women having sex against the fridge came to the foreground of her brain, as the new brunette rushed back into the bedroom.
Her legs carried her back over to the blonde who had managed to drag the boxes to where she was now sitting on the floor by the couch. Callie couldn't help but take in every inch of her, this was the closest they'd been without Arizona being aware of her eyes on her, and moved and acted completely normal. The fact she was acting completely normal only made her skin crawl. Yesterday she would have given anything for Arizona to be acting normal around her, but today, after walking in on what she could only assume was a morning shower sex session between the two women, she wished the blonde wasn't acting so blasé. The blonde in question stabbed the brown tape they had used just under three months ago, the blade splitting it. Callie couldn't help the instant image of her own skin doing the same; only the tape didn't bleed as the blade was dragged across it. This procedure was carried out on three of the boxes, was a resounding and heavy sigh from the blonde, who lifted each disappointing box from the pile and placing it behind her, in a semi circle. The last and biggest box was the jackpot.
"Hope I didn't embarrass myself too much last night", the blonde flashed the Latina a smile. Callie sat pondering her response, "There was some singing and dancing". She couldn't help but smile at the blush that took over the woman's face. The brunette that Callie could now so easily hate rushed back through the living room now fully dressed, with her long hair pinned up with a clip she was quite sure she had leant to Arizona months beforehand. "What was I singing?" the blonde asked slightly timidly, causing the now dressed woman to laugh. "It's raining men", the brunette laughed, Arizona groaned. "You also slow danced to some country song", Callie supplied. The brunette who was now stood near the door stopped laughing before saying, "We'd dance to that sober". Arizona gave her a confused look before she answered the unasked question, "Rascal Flatts, My Wish". Arizona's small smile fell slightly, "oh, right" was her only response.
Slipping on her shoes which were next the door, she turned towards both women in by the couch but spoke directly to Arizona, "Anyway, I've got to go. I'll see you later; call me if you need anything" Arizona gave a vague and slightly nonchalant wave of her hand before saying, "I'll be fine. See you at one". With that the rushing woman left the apartment, closing the door with a resounding click. The air in the room seemed to thicken as if was trying to suffocate the Latina. She had wanted to speak to Arizona; she hadn't expected to find her and her ex pretty much naked. She wished she could get her brain to come up with circumstances in which the situation she had walked in on was completely innocent and that the skirt near the fridge was completely explainable but she couldn't. Her body and brain were warring against each other. Her brain was telling her to run, to run and never look back. Her heart on the other hand was telling her to scream at the other woman, beg her to tell her why she'd done it after all the amazing things she'd said, plead with her to take her back and forgot about the other brunette. But neither would listen, neither would give up their dominance, and so Callie grabbed the top half of the articles and began to flick. "What's the article's name?" asked the blonde. All possible names for the fake article vanished out of her head, so she answered semi honestly, "I can't remember, but I'll know when I see it". The blonde nodded before grabbing the remaining half and began looking too.
She hadn't realised how intertwined they had become as a couple, even their articles had become mixed up with each others. Occasionally Arizona would say things like, "this one?" or "is this it?" or "I think I've found it", before showing Callie a small stack of papers which had stabled together at some point her life. All were declined. She barely read the titles of the articles she was shown, and read even less of the titles she was flicking through. She was enjoying the closeness she was sharing with the blonde, being inches away from Arizona without her trying to run and hide. Callie wish she could believe it was because she was done with running and was prepared to talk, but she couldn't get the images of her and brunette out of her head long enough to consider it.
A loud bang resounded around the apartment followed by a child's crying. The blonde next to her leapt to her feet, confirming that Arizona was in fact wearing underwear, as she was flashed a pair of red panties, as she rushed into Cristina's former bedroom. "Shhhhhh. Shhhhhh. Shhhhhh", she heard the blonde woman say, as she exited the bedroom with a small blonde boy resting on her hip. The small boy stopped crying within a few minutes of being rescued, however took longer stop whimpering slightly, the whole time Arizona held in the boy close, gently bouncing him on her hip. Callie couldn't help herself. All she could see was Arizona holding their baby. She'd dreamt it so many times within the last year and half, and was extremely surprised to see the child that was holding on so tight with one hand and now sucking his thumb on the other, looked like the child she'd dreamt. His hair was the same colour, his eyes were the same dazzling blue, and his mouth was framed by the same dimples. He was the perfect little Arizona replica, expect this eyes and mouth were a different shape to her dream little boy, but as he wrapped himself around Arizona's small frame, she could believe it was him.
The whole time Arizona had been trying to soothe the little boy; her eyes had not lifted from the boy's blonde face. When the small child had calmed down, Arizona placed a small kiss on his forehead, her eyes looking passed the small boy and straight into Callie's eyes. She felt the familiar spark, and her heart flew. "Hey you want to meet someone?" she asked the small boy in her arms. The sleepy boy nodded into Arizona neck, where his head now lay. Arizona walked over to where she had been sat previously, carefully she sat down, so the blonde child could face Callie, however causing both women's legs to touch. Instantly she felt the familiar sensation of their legs touch each other. Looking at his face she realised, that perhaps the boy did have the same shaped mouth as her dream son, though at this moment she shouldn't remember.
The boy sat up, his arm still linked around Arizona's neck, but now used his previously thumb sucking hand to rub his eyes. "Josh, this is my friend Callie", Arizona soothed to the newly awake little boy. Callie wouldn't help the flood of positive and negative emotions this one sentence brought on. She was happy that Arizona had said they were friends, on the other hand she was annoyed by it, not that she expected Arizona to explain their relationship to this little boy. Just that sentence sounded too definite, as if all they were and could be, was friends. With most of his hand still rubbing his eye, he gave a small wave with in the rest. Callie couldn't help her heart from melting right then, and gave a small wave back, as whispered "Hey". The smile that took over Arizona's face as she looked at Josh was blinding, "You and me going to the park later, yeah?" The little boy looked up at the woman holding him and nodded, and smiled small almost perfect replica of Arizona's smile.
What sounded like Bruno Mars' Grenade drifted into the living room from the direction of their old bedroom, causing the small boy on Arizona's lap to squeal before shouting, "Mommy!" Arizona managed to dislodge herself from beneath the young boy, and reach the cell before it stopped ringing. "Hello? Yes it's me. Yeah you left it here…and your purse", Arizona spoke to the person on the phone as walked back into the living, now clutching a phone and purse Callie didn't recognise, though guessed they were Joanne's. Which by extension considering the little boy's shout, she realised meant that Joanne was Josh's mother. "Yeah I guessed that when I saw her name flash up on your cell. Do you need it now or…okay, I'll give it to you when you come and get Josh", she continued, smiling slightly when the boy's head darted up at the mention if his name. Josh jumped up, and walked over to the blonde, pulled on the blue robe that was around her frame, "Tell her we go to the park!" Arizona who managed to pull on her neckline, before the little boy pulled it down, completely exposing her, laughed before repeating the message. "Josh says I have to tell you, we're going to the park later….oh and I have no money so I'm stealing it from your purse…I'll pay you back", she whined. "Yey! Thank you", Arizona said just short of squealing. Glancing over to where Callie on the floor, she offered her a small smile, which made her heart melt, and couldn't help but return it. "Not yet. Look I've got to go, neither Josh nor I are dressed. Yes. Ahuh, yeah. Okay see you at one. Bye", Arizona finished, pushing the end call button.
Josh made a small whining noise; Callie saw the crocodile tears as Arizona swept him up as he said, "Mommy!" Arizona flopped down on the sofa next to Callie's head, "We'll see her after we go to the park. We might even get an ice cream". Josh's blue eyes widened like a child in a toy shop. "Really?" the little boy asked as if he couldn't believe it. Arizona gave a nod, causing the boy to smile from ear to ear, flashing his dimples. "Wif choclet sauce?", Josh asked, causing both women she chuckle. "Yes with chocolate sauce, and maybe even sprinkles", the blonde woman teased. Josh's eyes widened even further still. The little boy shifted his position, and started pushing Arizona's arm, causing the top half of her body to move. "Get dressed, Airzonaaaa" Josh moaned. Callie fought the chuckle that threatened to rumble deep in her chest at the small boy's attempted to make Arizona move, and at his inability to pronounce her name properly.
The older blue eyes rolled and mockingly sighed standing up, "Fine. Can you…" It took her a moment to realise Arizona was talking to her, and pointing at Josh. "Oh yeah of course", Callie croaked as she realised Arizona was asking her to look after Josh while she got dressed. Arizona bent down and grabbed clothes from out of sight, Callie assumed from beside the couch. Josh moved to get down from the couch, his little legs just stuck out at odd angles as his wiggled his way down. Seeing the small boy struggling, Arizona lifted him the rest of the way, "Why don't you show Callie Danny?" the blonde asked. Josh grinned in Callie's direction before running as fast as his little legs could carry him back into Cristina's old room. "I'll be like ten minutes if that", Arizona said with a smile. Once again, Callie felt her heart skip a beat.
Callie heard the bathroom door click behind Arizona as Josh came running out holding a small toy giraffe. "Danny!", he said, pushing the animal in the Latina's hand. Callie was momentarily dazzled by the boy's blue eyes and charming smile, before she said, "He's cute. How old is he?" Josh looked pensive for a moment before saying, "Four. My daddy gotted him before I was born". "Four, wow. He's old", Callie said causing the young boy to giggle. "He's not old. He's only ickle. I'm free", the boy said sounding as if Callie had just said the most stupid he'd ever heard. "You're three! You don't look three. You look about…twenty-one", Callie joked, and burst out laughing at Josh's giggles. "Callieeee! I'm freeee!" he chuckled. Callie could help it, his little giggles, deep blue eyes and fair hair, he was gorgeous. "Josh?" she started but he stopped her. "My name is Joshua Daniel, he stated. "Daniel, like him?" Callie asked wiggling the small giraffe at him. Josh wrapped his fingers around the animal's neck, and planted himself on Callie's knee. "Yeah", the boy said, wiggling down to get comfortable. "What's your full name?" she heard the little boy asked.
Callie couldn't help the laugh that fell from her lips, looking down she saw a pair of confused blue eyes looking back at her. "I don't tell people my full name", she said. Josh looked confused and curious, "Why?" Callie couldn't help the shiver and eye roll at the question. "I don't like it very much", Callie offered. Josh moved so he was looking into the Latina's eyes, "Awww please". His bottom lip stuck out in a pout, and again her heart melted. She sighed deeply, "Fine. My full name is Calliope Iphegenia Torres". She expected the boy to laugh, but he only looked confused, "Callipee" he tested. Callie once again fought the laugh which was creeping up on her. "It's okay. My fwend's name is Rosie Bush. People laugh at her", he explained. Slight confusion teased her… Rosie Bush? Then it hit her … oh Rose Bush. Callie couldn't help the chuckle, and got a glare from the small boy. "Sorry", she apologised.
"Mommy told Mrs Varey people make fun of Rose and me" the boy said sadly. The Latina felt her heart sink at the thought of this little boy being picked on, but was thankful it seemed Joanne had gone to the teacher about it. "Why would they make fun of you?" Callie asked. Josh sighed, "They say my name is too long". To say she was confused didn't explain the feeling that hit her, "What? How can your name be too long?" The blonde boy, cuddled Danny the Giraffe in closer before answering, "Cause I have two last names". "Really?" Callie said slightly surprised. Josh nodded, before saying in a voice that was full of pride, "My name is Joshua Daniel Parker-Robbins".
Robbins. The Latina felt her stomach lurch, and she was thankful she hadn't had anything to eat yet. The little Robbins boy must have sensed her distress because he turned around to give her a worried look; the eyes looking back at her were Arizona's twin. Josh stood slightly, putting his small hand on the Latina's cheek, "You okay Callipee?" he asked. Callie was fighting the panic that was threatening to take her over. It couldn't be.
Arizona POV
She could hear both Callie and Josh talking and laughing, though what was being said she couldn't make out through the closed door. She tried to get dressed as soon she could, once she dried her hair. The blonde couldn't help but imagine what Callie would have been like with their children; Callie would be an amazing mother. No anyone could be a mother; Callie on the other hand would make an amazing Mom.
When she was finally ready, she took a deep breath and opened the door to the living room to find Josh half sitting on Callie's knee, with Daniel clutched in his hand. The wind was knocked out of her at the sight, before remembering it wasn't her and Callie's son. "Right my little man you ready to get dressed?" Arizona asked. The blonde boy's head span round, before shouting "Yeah". As he jumped up, Arizona saw a flicker of pain fall across Callie's face, and assumed Josh must have elbowed her or something in his rush to get up. Callie just sat and stared at Arizona, no emotion on her face once the pain subsided. "Callipee? You coming to the park?" Josh asked, and Arizona resisted the urge to burst out laughing at his attempt to call Callie by her full name. Callie seemed to be pulled out of her thoughts, and she turned to the small boy, "Sorry Josh, I've got to do something before I go to work". The little boy's face fell, "Okay". Callie picked up one of the papers on the table before standing, laughing she said "Thanks for this. I found it about thirty seconds after you went". There was something about the laugh, it didn't really reach her eyes and didn't sound heart felt. Arizona guessed she just felt nervous. "I'll see you later when I check on Penny", Callie supplied before walking to the door but didn't look back. Arizona's stomach churned slightly. She hadn't expected Callie to be waiting for her when she'd gotten out of the shower, and couldn't help but wonder how the Latina even knew she was now living here. She hadn't been prepared for it, but her time alone in their former room had psyched her up, and she had hoped they could have an actually conversation. She like Josh was going to ask if she wanted to go to the park with them. At least they had spoken, most of it had been about Josh or to Josh, but they had to start somewhere.
Callie's POV
It had taken every inch of her will power not to flee from the room. She had promised she would look after this little boy, the one who had been so concerned about her emotional state. Seeing Arizona standing in a cream top and tight jeans, with her hair hanging so perfectly, while holding that little boy, had tested her. She resisted the urge to break down, to push the small child away and run. She had kept a straight face, grabbing a paper at random after that little angelic boy had asked her to go to the park with them. She kept her head held high was she walked from the apartment, refusing to look back at the deep sea blue eyes she could get lost in. As Mark's blue door closed behind her, she felt her legs give up as she slid down the painted wood, and a heart wrenching; soul destroying sob fell from her lips.