Title: It's All Your Fault
Author: Trance-Faith
Rating: M – suicide and suicidal tendencies.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended. Also the song words used in this fanfic are Paramore's "emergency" and Pink's "It's all your fault".
Author's Note 1: In terms of Grey's storyline – this is set after their break up, in 7x07.
Author's Note 2: So the song lyrics … anyone been noticing what I've been doing?
Author's Note 4: As of me writing this AN, on this fanfiction in the last 14 days has had 15,205 Hits and 4,820 Visitors – and over all has had 47,967 hits. I just want to say thank you.
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Beta: No beta was used while I wrote this, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own.
Reviews: Are much wanted please!
"I would never pull the trigger, but I've cried wolf a thousand times" - It's all your fault by P!nk.
Arizona's POV
"You just left me there", screamed Callie. Silence seemed to hang on the air, if there was any air left in the room; it had become thick and cold at the screamed words. Callie's eyes were wide and pained. She should have known the first thing her ex wanted to talk about, was one of the things she blamed herself for the most. Arizona wished for a moment she hadn't moved away from the door, because she no longer had anything to rest on, to keep her up as the heartbroken brown eyes stared into hers, knocking her backwards. "You just left me there", the Latina repeated, this time in a whispered breath. The blonde's heart became instantly heavy as if it was trying to just drop out of her chest, as Callie's eyes fogged with tears.
Once again Arizona fought the overpowering pull Callie had on her, wanted to envelope the tall woman in her arms, and try and take the pain away. She'd lost the right to do that, and even if Callie would let her try, it would only be a short term cure. They needed to talk. Taking a deep breath Arizona took the plunge, "Do you think I wanted to? Do you have any idea how hard it was to go…without you". Callie's jaw tightened, though she was unsure if it was in anger or to stop the tears that were threatening to make their appearance. "You didn't need to. I begged…god I begged you to take me with you! And you just left. You didn't even kiss me goodbye or…argh…you didn't even look back!" the raven haired woman's voice was raising again, though Arizona could tell at parts it was to get on top of the emotion, trying to creep in. "Yes I left", the blonde stated simply, as Callie's eyes widened in shock. Before she could be interrupted Arizona continued, "You didn't want to go. How could I have made you go? If…" Arizona couldn't help but look down at the lips she'd love to be kissing, seeing the bottom one quiver as the women fought her own emotions, "If I'd kissed you, if I'd even looked back, I wouldn't have been able to go".
"Would that have been so bad?" Callie said, never breaking eye contact. Arizona could feel her heart pouncing within in chest, convinced it was now attempting to escape from her chest. Why did Callie's eyes have to be so soulful and deep, so deep she could drown in them if she'd let herself. "Yeah", breathed the blonde in response. She saw the Ortho surgeon swallow, and noticed a lone tear fall straight down her cheek. "You didn't want to go Callie. I couldn't make you go when you didn't want to. I shouldn't have expected you to go. I couldn't have you hating me, resenting me for making you go. You have friends, a career, a life here. I couldn't… I shouldn't let you give it up, for me", Arizona had managed to say sounding so sincerely and unbroken, until the last two words.
"I would have given it all for you, I did. It meant nothing. Everything. All of that, it meant nothing because you weren't here. My job, our friends, my life. It all meant nothing because you weren't here", the Latina said almost shouting, mainly because of the heartbreaking sob that followed. Arizona's chest tightened and her head felt as if she was spinning as the realisation of that sentence hit her. Callie believed her life was nothing, because Arizona had walked away. "I knew, god even as the words slipped out I regretted them. I shouldn't' have told you I didn't want to go. These last three months would never have happened, if I'd just kept my mouth shut", Callie's voice was remorseful, even regretful. "I'm glad you did tell me", the blonde replied, making the Latina look momentarily scared. "I wish you'd told me sooner", she continued. "So what you could have decided sooner to leave me behind?" the franticness was returning to Callie's voice. "As I said earlier I had been trying to think of a way to make it work. I could have even given it up", Arizona finished trying to keep Callie's hysterical levels down. "I couldn't let you do that", Callie said, in one of the most sincere tones, the blonde had ever heard, and despite of herself couldn't help but think, "I still did it anyway".
"I waited; I waited for nearly two months for you to come back. I didn't care anymore if it was to stay or take me with you, because that's all I needed. YOU!" Callie screamed throwing the pillow she was half sitting on across the room at the blonde. On instinct Arizona moved out of the way of flying object, which landed about foot to her right. The Latina's long legs came up, and rested on bed, planting her feet as her arms folded around them, hugging them to her ever so tightly. Despite of the situation, she was still thankful Callie allowed her to see this side of her, even if it was her who'd caused it.
"I could never hate you", Callie's whisper just managed to travel the short distance between them. "Believe me I've tried, wished I could. I just couldn't", her whisper broke. "I called you everyday. I begged you to call me back or answer when I next rang, but you never did", the dark haired woman said, slightly accusingly. "Did you listen to them? My messages", Callie asked, returning her gaze to Arizona. "Of course I did", the blonde managed to breathe back. Callie's legs fell into a cross position, Arizona saw by the look in her eye and instant redness to her cheeks she'd said the wrong thing.
"You listened to them! How…How could you have listened to them, listen to me beg and cry, pleading with you to come back, and it still took you nearly two months to come back? How could you listen to me, everyday wanting you to come back for me? God how could I been so stupid! I actually believed you when you said you loved me!" Callie's angry voice had returned, and it was ready to rip her to pieces. "I do!" Arizona frantically screamed back. How could she doubt otherwise? Callie let out a frustrated drawn out tut like sound. "There is no way, I could listen to you crying like that for thirty seconds, never mind forty eight days, and not want to do everything in my power to make it stop. I begged you Arizona! I actually begged you to call me, and you didn't, not even once! You didn't even tell me you'd landed safely. Nothing!" the Latina continued her frantic rant as if Arizona had never spoken.
"I wanted you to be happy. I thought you would be. Okay I thought you'd miss me, but you'd get over it", Arizona tried to reason with the frantic woman who looked moments away from a Spanish rant. Callie shot her a stunned looked, which was accompanied by an open mouth. "I wanted to call you back, every day. I wanted to so badly", the blonde pleaded with the Latina, begging her to understand. "I just wanted you to be happy; I knew if I rang…" Arizona was cut off this time an empty laugh from the woman sat on the small bed. "Happy? You wanted me to be happy! No what you wanted was to save your precious "tiny humans", screw what I was feeling!" Callie shot, with venom lacing every word. "Callie!" Arizona warned. "No! You have no idea what it was like here. Arizona it literally felt like you'd died. No one else understood what it felt like. I could feel you everywhere, all the time. You were always here", Callie half shouted, pointing at her head. "It was the worst feeling in the world. Actually no. There is something worse. Being on the other side of the planet unable to see you, talk to you, touch you was hard, it didn't even compare to living across the hall from you. I could touch you, if I reached out, I could actually touch you and yet you seemed even further way", Callie finished softly, her voice still laced with sadness and anger.
"I came back", Arizona said rather meekly. Taking a deep breath, Callie leant back, so her spine was touching the wall behind her. "Yes you did, and to what prevail did that get either of us? You were ready to jump in feet first and ran at the first sign of trouble", the raven's voice was thick with mocking but still had hints of desperation. "Trouble? You slept with Mark Sloan! You say you missed me, but you clearly didn't miss me that much! I have to say it's something you failed to mention in your voice messages, "I miss you more and more each day, oh by the way I've been fucking Mark Sloan"!" Arizona shouted back, her tone was equal to Callie's now. The Latina's eyes widened in shock, clearly not expecting Arizona to resort to swearing, which she very seldom did. Despite her anger, Arizona really hoped there were no children in the surrounding area. "I mean did you wait awhile, allow for the grieving process and then jump in bed with him or could you not wait until my plane had landed?" she continued, practically spitting in anger with each word.
Callie just sat staring at her open mouthed, but looked considerably calmer, but broken than when she'd last been speaking. Arizona could feel the anger pulsing through her veins, it was only equal to the anger she'd felt as Mark had interrupted them talking in Callie's hospital room. Moments after Callie had told her what she'd done. The Latina's mouth opened and closed several times as if to say something, but nothing came out. The blonde allowed a flicker of guilt to grace her thoughts, but that was all she'd allow. Anymore and she'd be a goner.
"I didn't mean to hurt you", said the broken voice. That flicker was threatening to get bigger; she had to fight it for now. "It was a mistake", Callie pleaded again. "A mistake? Where exactly was he trying to put it?" Arizona spat, and watched as Callie recoiled. "I'm sorry, it was only once", Callie whispered, putting her head down as if a disgraced child. There it was, full fledge guilt. What was worse was, Callie wasn't even trying to make her feel guilty, she genuinely was sorry. Trying to even own her breathing before she spoke, "As Cristina keeps saying it's not like we were together, I'm angrier at myself than you and …him, so you have nothing to be sorry for". A faux laugh fell on her like a tonne of bricks, "Is that your excuse for last night". Last night? Callie had said she hadn't done anything embarrassing or bad last night. God what had she done?
"Excuse me?" Arizona asked. Another less enthusiastic fake laugh fell from Callie's lips, "Joanne". Joanne? What had Joanne done, apart from her dreadful singing on their way home? She was sure she remembered Callie sitting down with Mark when they'd left, so she couldn't have heard them. Her confusion must have shown on her face because the Latina sat forward with so much force, it looked as if it took a lot of strength to stop her falling forward off the bed, face first. "Don't. Just don't. Playing coy doesn't work with me. I know you slept with her", Callie warned. Before she could allow the words to sink in, even consider their meaning she said, "Okay, what?" A shadow of doubt fell across Callie's features, the blonde saw as it crept across her face. "You slept with Joanne", Callie's tone suggested it was mix between question and statement.
Arizona couldn't believe her ears, and knew she was stood open mouthed about a stride away from the woman who had dumbfounded her. Once again the annoyance was starting to crawl through her veins. "No Callie I didn't sleep with Joanne. I can't… I can't believe you. I…How dare you! I don't think I can solve my problems at the bottom of a bottle, or in someone else's bed!" Arizona shouted and saw emotions such as relief; disbelief and guilt show themselves on the Latina's face. "I…just can't! I am not Mark Sloan, and think I can screw the nearest thing and my problems will be solved. I'm not y…" the blonde stopped as she realised what she was about to say.
She saw the furry and disbelief on Callie's face instantly. "Go on. If have the guts to start you might as well finish", Callie spat. The blonde swallowed, actually slightly scared of the look in Callie's eye. "You aren't me!" Callie finished for her, glowering at her from her position on the bed. Her heart was hammering in her chest; all she could hear was the blood pounding in her ears. "Callie I didn't…." Arizona made to apologise, but Callie cut her off. "Yes you did. Don't insult either of us by pretending you didn't mean it, because you did. You're right to believe it, it's what I do, isn't it", Callie all but whimpered, a shocking change to her previous out burst. "Get my heart broken, so I climb in bed with Mark Sloan", she spat, causing a shiver to run the length of Arizona's spine.
"He's always been there for me. After George, Erica … you. He's always been there", Callie reasoned, this time unable to look her in the eye. She could understand that, she always did. Perhaps Joanne really was her "Mark". Callie let out a long sigh, "It was a mistake. One I regretted immediately. I slept on his couch, afterwards and cried myself to sleep". Despite the details, she felt her chest tighten and sympathise with Callie. "Oh god", Callie whispered, wiping the rouge tears that had splashed down her face. The Latina leaned back against the wall, her head made a slight noise as it hit. "I thought I was better. You. You fixed me. I was set. I'd started to trust myself again, like and know who I'd become. What I realised was I knew who I was with you. I'd forgotten who I was without you. That was the worst thing, because I didn't want to know who I was, I thought I would never have to know again who I was without you. It seems like I never changed", Callie said, as further more tears fell in rolls down her face.
Arizona's heart broke, shattered even. "Callie…" she soothed, begging her not to continue. "I'm sorry…for everything", Callie exhaled. Arizona took the stride between them, and knelt in front of the Latina, taking hold of both knees of the long legs that were cross on the bed. "I'm sorry for the night you came home", Callie whispered so quietly had she not been so close she wouldn't have heard it. Arizona gripped the knees beneath her hands, tighter. "I didn't want…I" Callie whimpered slightly, as another tear slid down her face. Arizona raised a hand to wipe it away, only to have Callie tilt her face into it. The blonde's heart stopped just for a moment, only to beat harder. "Thank you for saving me" the Ortho surgeon whispered looking straight at her. They were so close Arizona could see the tears clinging onto Callie's long eyelashes. Lifting the hand which was resting on Callie's cheek to, tuck the short curl that was hanging in front its owner face, whispering back, "I'll always save you Calliope".
Low male voices coming from the corridor outside interrupted them, causing both women to jump. Arizona was sure one of them was Alex, though both voices sounded agitated, and raising by the second. The blonde shot the other woman in room a quizzical look, and received an eye brow raise in turn. Without words both agreed they'd investigate. Standing slowly, she put a hand up to Callie signalling for her to stay still. Callie's eye widened, as she shook her head. Arizona rolled her eyes, as Callie stood and made to move towards the door. The blonde grabbed Callie's arm yet again, though this time was considerably gentler than when she'd dragged her in this room. Arizona pushed herself in front of Callie. Peering around the blue door, all Arizona could see was the bare wall across from them. She tried to alter the way she was looking, to see down the hall, towards where the voices were nearly shouting at each other. It then hit what they were eavesdropping on, when she heard Alex trying to explain to the other man a patient's condition. Taking the plunge, Arizona swung the door open. She could feel Callie practically pushing herself against her, trying to listen and see as well.
The blonde walked forward allowing both men to come into her line of vision. It was Alex, as she had suspected and a young man who must have been about sixteen or seventeen. The unknown man, wasn't all that unknown to her, she recognised him, but couldn't place where she knew him from. The younger of the two men was getting more and more frantic, as Alex it seemed wasn't giving him the information, the answers he needed. Arizona moved forward, the sole of her shoe as rubbed against the shiny floor, and it let out a little squeak which seemed to echo around the small corridor they were in. Both hearing the noise turned, the younger faster than lightening, in Arizona and Callie direction. As both men turned, Arizona could look the younger of the two in the eye, she felt Callie's body colliding with hers, and a pain ran through her left arm, from shoulder to hand, as two gun shots rang out.