Title: It's All Your Fault
Author: Trance-Faith
Rating: M – suicide and suicidal tendencies.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended. Also the song words used in this fanfic are Paramore's "emergency" and Pink's "It's all your fault".
Author's Note 1: In terms of Grey's storyline – this is set after their break up, in 7x07.
Author's Note 2: As things stand there is another 3/4 chapters after this part!
Author's Note 3: The main praise and criticism I get is the amount of detail I put into my stories – it's just something I do. So thank you to those who realised everything Callie did for Arizona, Arizona did in chapter 2 for Callie.
Author's Note 4: Something Arizona says in this chapter is a cop out, but only for so long – she will explain in her own time.
Author's Note 5: Changed my mind, the last chapter and this one are separate.
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Beta: No beta was used while I wrote this, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own.
Reviews: Are much wanted please!
I've seen you cry, way too many times, when you deserved to be alive. – Emergency by Paramore
Callie's POV
"Four years ago today, I was told my brother had been killed in action", Arizona's voice broke the silence. Callie could feel the beat of blonde's heart beating as Arizona was tucked against her side. The small woman's breathing had levelled, and for a moment just before Arizona had spoken, she had wondered if the fatigue had finally overcome her. Arizona's voice had held a flicker of vulnerability, but very little of any other emotion, the only indictor to the Latina of her emotions was the speed in which it was said. The words seemed to spill out of the blonde's mouth, tripping over the one before in a rush to be said, and understood. Wrapping her other arm around the blonde's waist, Callie pulled the PEDs surgeon even closer to her. As they had become accustom, Arizona's arm came to rest across Callie's middle, though the hold was tighter…stronger…more desperate than usual. With a gently kiss to the blonde hair which tickled the side of her face, Callie said, "I don't…I don't know what say to that". She genuinely had no clue, what to say that was comforting and consoling. She didn't know what to say that would make it better. With Arizona's head now resting on Callie's shoulder, the blonde's breath and hair dancing its way across the bare skin that was being exposed by the Latina's V neck top. "You don't have to say anything. This is enough", Arizona said sounding honestly appreciative.
It was something she hadn't realised she didn't know. She had picked up bits and pieces from the blonde's tales of her childhood and young adult life. She had learnt that when he was five he slipped on the wet kitchen floor and hit his mouth on the edge of the dinning table leg, making him lose his first tooth. She had been told about the time when Arizona was seven, and he told her the monsters under the bed would eat her, if she tried to go into his room when he went out with his friends. She knew Tim had been the first person Arizona had trusted the most to come out to. She had found out that Arizona and Tim would have hour long snow ball fights, a tradition that carried on, along into their adult lives. She had known he had been engaged to his long term girlfriend when he died. Arizona had told her about the brother and sister conversations and star gazing that lasted for hours in every backyard their parents ever owned. Callie knew so much about the Robbins brother, and yet hadn't known the date that's he'd died.
"The day after your birthday" Callie said slightly taken aback as the relation hit her. The head of blonde hair nodded into her chest. The Latina sat for a few moments mouth open slightly in shock, it certainly explained some things. Then to make things even worse Robert Wright had to come into the hospital and make this day even harder for the blonde to live through, year after year. Confusion settled in her brain with that thought.
"Four years?" Callie asked, once again receiving a nod to the chest. "Four years…we…Arizona?" the brunette was trying her hardest to understand, and be kind at the same time, which was proving to be a difficult feat. The blonde in question rose slightly, only lifting her head from Callie's shoulder, but left her body entangled with the longer one next to hers. The PEDs surgeon refused to make eye contact with the brown eyes who was trying to catch a glimpse of something, or even just try to reassure her. "I moved to Seattle a few months after, and just tried to pretend it didn't happen. For along time after I pretended things hadn't changed. I was so used to Tim going away, that I could pretend that, that time it was no different. That I could if I wanted to, just pick up the phone and he'd be on the other end. I just choose not to", the blonde said, absence-mindedly playing with the edge of Callie's top's neckline.
As hard as she tried, Callie couldn't get Arizona to make eye contact with her. She wasn't angry or annoyed by any of this, simply saddened. "The first anniversary", Arizona started again, with a slight quiver to her voice. "Was the day after we said I love you for the first time. We spent the day in bed, watching films in our pyjamas, and eating way too much junk food. It was a good memory, one that I hoped could erase even just a little bit the heartache", the blonde continued, her breath catching ever so often. Callie when she'd woken hadn't forgotten what today held for her, three years ago.
"And it did. Not as much as I wanted. But as time passed, the longer I left it, the harder it became to tell you. The second year I thought I could just remember the year before, and when it became hard you always seemed to know, because you'd hold me. It…" Arizona's breathe shook and Callie held her that little tighter, trying to assure the woman who wouldn't look at her. Callie couldn't believe she hadn't realised. She knew the blonde's birthday was always a tough time of year, and assumed it was because she missed her big brother, but never had she thought of this, and if she was honest, it made her feel guilty.
The blonde let out noise that was a half sob, and laugh at the tighter hold the Latina had on her. Arizona turned her head slightly in Callie's direction, but didn't give her full eye contact. It looked like perhaps she was staring just passed the Ortho surgeon's face. "It felt like you were holding me together". Callie felt her heart swell as the words were said, and Arizona finally lifted her gaze to her own. For the first time all day, the Latina could feel her heart pound in her chest, beating a solid rhyme on the inside of her ribs, and knew rather than beating in fear, it was excitement and love that made it quicken.
"Then the third we'd just gotten back together, and were in a pink, shiny bubble, and I didn't want it to pop. So I just held you a little bit tighter and hoped the pain would go away", Arizona finished looking Callie dead in the eye. The brunette could see the slight plea in the way Arizona was looking at her, as if begging her to understand. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It's not that I didn't want to, it just got later and later", the blonde was now begging her.
"I understand", Callie whispered, realising once again that Arizona's face was inches away from her own. She wasn't angry or upset with the blonde for not telling her, though she was frustrated and disappointed in herself. "Wish you'd told me sooner, though. You didn't have to go through that alone", the Latina continued, now feeling Arizona's heartbeat quicken along side her own. "I wasn't alone I had you", the blonde said with small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "You did. But I wish I'd known so I could have been there for you, knowingly" Callie said trying to sound as poignant as she could while still sounding caring. "That's why you were crying yesterday", it was a statement not a question.
Arizona's gaze dropped again, as did a single tear, "Sorry" the blonde said again. Her heart clenched painful in her chest, as she released the hold on the small waist. She heard the small sigh at the action and realised Arizona thought she was letting go of her, because she was angry with her. With one finger, she lifted the blonde's face, and eye line to her own, and the look of defeat broke her heart. "Stop saying sorry. I understand, I just wish I could have taken that pain away, or make it easier for you. I'm not mad with you. Please stop saying sorry", Callie said noting the emotion creeping in to her tone, as she moved the loose curl that had broken free of Arizona's ponytail, behind her ear.
"Sorry", the blonde said, followed by a slightly smile at the realisation that she'd just said it again. Callie couldn't help the small faux glare she sent back, which in turn caused a small chuckle. Putting her arm back into its rightful place, Callie pulled Arizona towards her again, and as if her body had a mind of its own, Arizona's head came to rest back on Callie's shoulder. Also as if she had no control, Callie's fingers danced their way across the small patch of bare skin of Arizona's lower back that was being exposed by the slight rise of her top, and fall of her jeans. It was a technique she realised early on in their relationship could soothe the blonde out of any negative mood, and now out of habit she was doing it again.
"So what's about this year? Why is this one different?", Callie asked softly, she wasn't going to lie, it did sting, the fact Arizona had finally told her and they were no longer together, though given their current position maybe they were. "Honestly", Arizona inhaled, her breath sending a slightly shiver up Callie's spine, as it danced across her exposed flesh. "Joanne and Nikki. Actually Joanne, Nikki just stood and looked pretty. She made me realise…no she made me remember when things are worth fighting for, it's stupid to let them go just because doing something about it might be painful. Nothing is more painful than doing nothing at all, knowing, wondering what could have happened", the blonde spoke, evenly, almost equally spaced as if deliberately remembering where to breath. For a moment Callie couldn't decide if Arizona had been talking about her relationship with her brother, or theirs.
"Them coming here was a shock. One I had been avoiding so long. I would go to my parents' at Christmas, as you know, but I always made sure I knew they weren't going to be there. I could never get away from Josh though, he was always there, and as time I went on, I realised I didn't want to. Them coming here, made me realise I couldn't stop running away", Arizona finished, considerably less controlled than she'd begun, though from her breathing Callie didn't think she was crying.
Callie couldn't believe she hadn't realised the struggle Arizona went through every year when she went home for the holidays. Sure she knew it was hard, and knew it was because of her brother, or lack of her brother's presence that made it so difficult. She just hadn't realised how deeply that struggle had gone, and wished she had tried harder to go with her. Every time she offered, she gave in too soon, too easily when the blonde declined. Callie placed another sloppy kiss on the blonde hair inches away from her face as she said in barely a whisper she knew the only person who was meant to hear it, would, "Thank you for telling me".
It was then she felt Arizona's tears fall, though why they fell she was unsure, because the small frame did not shake with grief or sadness. The only indicator to their presence was the fact she could feel them collecting on the bare piece of flesh just above her top's neckline. Callie held the small woman ever so tightly, and felt the pressure from the woman in her arms tenfold. The Latina realised the weight of the words that had been spoken, and knew how difficult they had been for Arizona to speak them. In realising that, she knew the fight worth the battling Arizona had mentioned, was in fact them. The blonde was prepared to fight for them, and so was she. "We're having a party thing tonight at the apartment, it's mainly for Nikki and Josh, but could you come too? I would mean a lot to me, if you did. You don't have to though", Arizona said sounded so nervous it broke the Latina's heart. "I'd love to" was her instant, and honest reply.
They lay in silence for a few moments; both taking in everything that had been said. Callie was also allowing Arizona the time to grief, grief her brother, and the loss of the information she had clung to for so long, the story that had finally let her go. Every so often Arizona's breathing would catch, but her hold on the Latina's waist would not falter. "Why was Josh at your parents'?" Callie asked, though couldn't remember even having the thought to ask.
Arizona sighed faintly, before speaking, "Nikki thought it would be a good idea for him to spend some time alone with his grandparents". To say that Callie was momentarily surprised would have been an understatement. She allowed her thoughts to travel to her earlier assumption, just briefly, before coming to land on the only other option. "And it was, he loves it, they love it. I've become to love it too, like today when I took him out. It was so much fun, and he reminded me so much of his father. I knew he would, he looks the double of Tim when he was that age. What I came to realise was it was okay that he reminded me of him, because even if it was just for today, I got to spend it with Tim as well. I don't believe in God, as you know, but I felt Tim today as I was pushing Josh on the swings, and it was like he was there too", Arizona finished sounding slightly dreaming.
With a slightly nervous laugh the blonde said, "Does that make sense?" Callie nodded before realising that without Arizona looking at her she wouldn't know her answer, so gave a small heart felt, "yes". She felt the PEDs surgeon's slight sigh in relief that she was understood. Callie couldn't help the slight almost equally nervous laugh as she said, "I thought Josh might be Joanne's". Arizona's head lifted and looked her dead in the eye, before chuckling, "No. Jo wouldn't know her way around a changing station, never mind be able to look after a child. She just sticks with aunt and godmother, it suits her better."
Callie couldn't help but feel slightly sheepish, but smiled at the easy grin Arizona was giving her. "I suppose I get what I mean, he does look more like Joanne, but then he would Joanne is his mother's sister", the blonde said as if to ease Callie's feeling of stupidity. It did a little. Callie couldn't help but cast her mind back to their argument in the on call room at the mention of Joanne, and wondered if she should say something. This though was forgotten at the smile on Arizona face, and she didn't want to make it go away. Though the smile did falter slightly as she remembered something Arizona had said in their argument, "You said Cristina".
"What?" the blonde looked instantly confused. She'd started, she guessed she had to finish. Swallowing the lump that seemed to have formed in the seconds she hadn't been speaking, she said, "Earlier, you said Cristina said you couldn't be mad because we weren't together when I slept Mark". She felt Arizona go to move, and held on tight, not telling her move an inch. She wasn't going to let Arizona keep running, she wasn't going to let herself run either. The smile that had graced the blonde's face, even for a moment, was all but lost, and was now replaced with a sad, almost broken look, and it hurt Callie. It hurt knowing she'd put it there.
"Callie…" Arizona warned slightly, though defeat had already laced its way in. "No. I'm not running away anymore, and neither are you. Please what did you mean? I haven't spoken to Cristina in almost a month." Callie asked, long passed the shame to beg. No one had really talked to her these last three weeks; she'd even taken to eating in an on call room, so people wouldn't have to keep avoiding her. Even Mark, though they had talked about things, hadn't really "talked" about anything important. She saw the look of almost shamed defiance in the ice blue eyes, so asked again, "Arizona, please talk to me".
The tip of Arizona's pink tongue snaked its way out, and traced the blonde's bottom lip, as she thought of how to continue. "Cristina and…Mark", there was slight something in her voice at his name that Callie couldn't identify, but knew it wasn't good. "Have been telling people to give you space. Cristina even shouted at Teddy, because she spoke to you about me. Earned her time in the pit for it", Arizona let out a faint laugh. The only time even on a professional level Teddy and Callie had spoken, before today, was on her first day back when Teddy had asked her to wait to talk to the blonde who was currently laid in her arms. "Mark threatened to hit Alex once", Arizona said once again not meeting Callie's eye. That explained the hesitant look she'd been getting from the resident every time she walked in to do a consult.
"I…I didn't know. Teddy didn't even say anything bad to me! Wait why did he threaten Alex, he never said anything to me!" Callie said in a raising tone, as annoyance flooded her. She had thought for the last three weeks that people were simply ignoring her, and it seemed her "friends" had been sending people way. "They were on my side. I think they were worried they might say something. Instead they ended up asking Lexie", Arizona finished with a slight disbelieving chuckle. "So she was the spy for everyone? Great", Callie said disapprovingly. "She didn't tell anyone anything, important. They were just worried about you, you know as friends do. They worry", Arizona's tone had turned to one you might use while explaining something difficult to a small child.
"Cristina and Meredith used to sit across from your call room, while you ate and shoo people away", the blonde said. Wait Arizona knew about that! Callie guessed the shock must have shown on her face, because Arizona smiled slightly, "Our on call room? Wasn't the smartest of places to go hide in. Also I went there for the two weeks before you came back to work". The sheepish smile that graced the blonde's mouth, she assumed must mirror her own. It wasn't a conscious decision she made, to go to "their" on call room, her feet simply took her there. It also warmed her inside, knowing that Arizona had taken refuse in the same room, perhaps for the same reason.
"What about you? Did they send you away?" the question Callie asked she knew was double sided. She wanted to know if the reason Arizona hadn't come to speak to her was because she'd been turned away, and also wanted to know if she needed to kick Cristina's and Mark's asses. The drop in smile told her the answer before the blonde spoke, "Only once. I…came to see you several times, went to ring you even more, but I'd get to that floor or get just before pressing "call" and I couldn't. I couldn't do it." Callie felt her heart sink yet again, though was happy to feel the blonde was no longer trying to move away from her. "Much like everything else, as more time passed the harder it became. To begin with I was progressing, and then I was angry, and that was when Cristina caught me coming to see you. She told me I had no right to be angry. I knew it, I knew it anyway. Doesn't stop it though. After that I just became scared, and as time passed it only got worse."
She was amazed. No one had told her any of this. In fact the only time Callie had interacted with Cristina all week was in the observation gallery, and neither had spoken. She was slightly freaked out by the fact that both Cristina and Meredith had managed to do it, without her knowing. Had she just become friends with ninjas or something? She supposed Meredith and Lexie were sisters so perhaps Cristina had picked it up through them.
A slight cough from the woman inches away from her face stopped her in thoughts. A failed imitation of Callie's infamous eye brow raise greeted her. "Sorry, just thinking", Callie whispered, and received a nod. "I just wished you'd come to see me sooner", the Latina continued. "I just worried you wouldn't want to talk to me. I wouldn't have talked to me if I was you", Arizona answered simply and it seemed without meaning to, sounded so self pitying, a tone she wasn't used to hearing. "Come here", Callie said gesturing with her chin, to her shoulder. The blonde sighed slightly, but took her place, no questions asked.
Callie allowed her mind wander to today, the anger and fear that had filled it, and couldn't help but be in two minds. Part of her, a very big part of her, wished they hadn't allowed Sam to be taken up to the PEDs ward that they had been able to send someone who was less injured in her place. If that had happened Robert would never have gone to Arizona's ward, and she would never have been in danger. But likewise and to save Arizona she would have done it, had he remained in the pit, those nurses and surgeons would have been in danger too.
A relation hit the brunette. They'd been in here for long enough; Bailey should have come to see them by now. Looking over at the door, she couldn't help but wonder if the older woman was tricking them, into talking. However looking over at the small glass panel on the door, no deep brown eyes were looking back at them. Despite what they had been through today, Arizona more than herself, she couldn't help but feel sorry for those who had clean up the mess.
The small body wrapped against her own, began to shake ever so slightly. Callie tried to move her head to a position in which she could see the blonde's face, but with Arizona half laid on her, it just wasn't possible. "Hey", Callie said soothingly. The blonde head just tucked itself further into the crook of the Latina's neck. Callie couldn't stop the tears that spilled out of her own eyes, as she felt the trembling breathe mix with the tears that had already fallen from the blonde's eyes on her own tanned skin.
"Arizona?" Callie asked her own breath catching slightly. Several loud sniffs, followed by small sobs sounded from beside her ear, making them sound even louder. Though had Arizona not been so close, she may not have heard the breathed words, "You could have died". Her heart beat quickened, to an almost worrying rate, a rate at which she was surprised Teddy didn't come in running. "You saved me. Which you are an idiot for. If you ever do that to me again, I'll…" the Latina said soothingly with a touch of humour, just thankful the blonde was unharmed. "No! Not today Calliope. You nearly died. You just… You tried to kill yourself", Arizona said almost screaming, followed by a gut wrenching sob, as she bodily moved from Callie's grasp.
Callie sat half laid, mouth opened for a few moments, just trying to take in what had just been screamed at her. Despite Arizona's shift away from the tall woman, when she moved to hold the sobbing woman's arm, it wasn't pulled away. At some point the gentle tears that had been spilling down the Latina's face, turned into a full stream of tears, both women's breathing hitched every so often. "Did you even think about me?" Arizona asked with sadness and a tint of venom. Her brain wouldn't connect the question to a meaning, causing her to say "What?" without thinking.
A deep disbelieving sigh fell from the blonde's lips, and this time she did pull her arm free from Callie's grasp. "You…you…Was that really what you wanted me to come back to? Because you know had you succeeded Teddy or Mark or somebody would have told me, and I would have come back. Was that what you wanted me to come back for, your funeral?" Arizona shouted, though the tears that were forcing themselves on her, weakened the strength of the words, and even then they knocked the Latina backwards.
She wished she could lie, wish she could say she had been thinking of the blonde, or at least that she'd been thinking of how she would feel, because Arizona had plagued her every thought for the last three months. But she hadn't. Callie tried to answer as honestly as she could "Arizona, I never…I'm sorry. I thought you wouldn't…" The blonde's eyes widened in shock, as whispered in a tone that was laced with danger, "What? Care?" Callie felt the panic set in, a feeling that had she felt it at any other time in these last three weeks she would have ran from the room. Taking a deep breathe she reminded herself she had made Arizona stay, so she would too.
"Well yes", the Ortho surgeon admitted quietly, and saw the shock and disbelief reflect back at her. An apprehensive laugh sounded from the blonde as she draw her legs up, lowering her head into her hands as said, "Oh god". The blonde head shot back up, just shaking from side to side in disbelief, and just stared at her open mouthed, "I can't…I just…Do you really think that little of me? That I'd want…Callie, did you honest think that?" The Latina gulped slightly as she felt the tears fall anew, but was able to nod, keeping her head down, unable to look in the ice blue eyes that were glaring at her in such a accusing manner. Arizona took a deep but shaken breath as she shuffled towards her, but Callie refused to look up. She couldn't see that look. The look of disappointment.
"Callie", Arizona's voice sounded determined. "Callie look up. Look up now!" the blonde ordered. The Latina allowed her head and eyes rise upwards, and saw to her surprise, the woman looking back at her didn't look angry or annoyed, she saw sadness and love. "Callie…" the blonde said full of sorrow, causing the raven to burst out crying. The next thing Callie was aware of the PEDs surgeon's arms had wrapped themselves around her neck, and the blonde herself positioned herself in between the Latina's legs. Arizona pulled Callie's upper half into her as she hugged as tight as she could, several kisses were placed on the raven's hairline. "Don't you ever think that! Please Calliope, don't ever think that. I love you so much", Arizona whispered gently, which only cause Callie to cry harder.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't…I'm sorry, I love you too…so much", the Latina sobbed, clinging even tighter to the body being pushed into her own. "I know Callie. I know", the blonde soothed as her lips connected with Callie's. The kiss wasn't strong or passionate but the effect was instant and as just as powerful as a thousand kisses. Her lips, god her whole face tingled where the lips she'd spent the last three months dreaming of touched her skin. She tried as hard as she could to stop the tears falling, but they seemed determined to fall, though this time it was for what they lost and what they were gaining. As Arizona's hand entangled itself in Callie's short curls, she felt the blonde's tears fall.
As the pair broke away, the Latina rested her forehead on Arizona's. Both were breathing unevenly, though Callie couldn't deny her tears had more control over her than Arizona's. "I love you, I never, ever stopped", the blonde whispered, her breath dancing across Callie's face. Pulling away slightly, the PEDs surgeon wiped the raven's tears away, as Callie gently sucked on her own bottom lip. It still tingled, and she still could feel the ghost of the blonde's lips on her own. "Me too", Callie laughed slightly. "Even if you are an idiot and try and take on an armed man", despite the slightly smile on her lips, she saw Arizona take in the seriousness of her words. "I made a woman a promise", the blonde answered honestly. Callie guessed her confusion much have shown, because Arizona moved and place a single, gentle kiss on her lips before simply repeating, "I'll always save you".
"Thank you. For saving me and loving me…and for coming back for me", Callie said sincerely. "Always", was the blonde's reply, as she took a hold of the Latina's hand. Callie couldn't help the burst of laughter than fell from her mouth, and the "slept with a coat hanger in" smile. "Always", the Latina whispered back. As their breathing returned back to normal, no words were spoken, perhaps they should have been, but what she didn't know.
The door behind Arizona opened, and to her surprise the blonde didn't jump at the noise. There in the doorway stood an awkward looking Mark Sloan. "Hmmm sorry, I just wanted to know if you two wanted a lift home." Mark said, weirdly addressing Arizona. The blonde's mouth opened but no words came out. Trying to save the mute woman, Callie said, "We're waiting to see Bailey, so we'll probably just get a cab. I'm going to be at Arizona's tonight though". Saying she was going to Arizona's, made her heart soar, and dance in her chest. She going to be spending the night, in one place she considered home. Mark nodded, and made to leave. Obviously deciding he was brave enough to say whatever was on his mind, he said once again to Arizona, "You were here. Well done for today." She saw Arizona nod slightly, as she looked Mark straight in the eye and replied simply, "Thank you Mark".
Bailey shuffled passed Mark who was half blocking the doorway. At receiving a classic "Bailey stare down", Mark shambled sheepishly from the room with a slight wave. To say Callie was confused would be an understatement. At the look from small dark haired woman, the Latina went to move from the bed. "Don't worry about it Torres, save to say policies are out of the window today" Bailey said with a sad smile. It was then Callie realised Bailey was carrying Arizona's jacket and purse. Seeing what the Latina eyes had fallen on, the woman holding the items placed them on the foot of the bed before saying "thought I could help you get out sooner if I got them for you". The smile told Callie the truth behind the worse, which should have been "So you don't have to go back to that floor, I brought you your things".
Arizona turned completely away from Callie, coming to face Bailey, with her legs swinging off the edge of the bed. "Save time? We've been waiting for a while Miranda", Arizona said with a grace of ease. "Hmm yeah. I would have gotten here sooner, but things kept happening. As for interruptions", the standing woman said, reaching for something on the table next to Callie. It was then the Latina realised the other dark haired woman, smiled at her. She couldn't help the smile that formed, as she realised, she'd been correct, when she had looked up thinking Bailey had been watching them, she had been. For someone who claimed not to want to get involved in personal matters, Bailey did like to meddle, but only for the better.