Title: It's All Your Fault
Author: Trance-Faith
Rating: M – suicide and suicidal tendencies.
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended. Also the song words used in this fanfic are Paramore's "emergency" and Pink's "It's all your fault".
Author's Note 1: In terms of Grey's storyline – this is set after their break up, in 7x07.
Author's Note 2: Still abirthday present for NncyL72 (just late now!)
Author's Note 3: The author's note was taken down after personal attacks about my personal life by a certain individual.
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Beta: No beta was used while I wrote this, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own.
Reviews: Are much wanted please!
No one cares to talk about it, can we talk about it? – Emergency by Paramore
Callie's POV
"Having fathers in the military meant we were moved around a lot. We were lucky if we went to the same school for a year. Making friends wasn't easy when you move around so much, so us military kids had to stick together", Arizona explained slowly, as if deliberating what to say next. Callie gave a small nod of encouragement and so she continued, "I became friends with Joanne when I was about five; Tim went through a phrase where he was too cool to play with his sister at school. Nikki was much the same to Joanne, so we became best friends. We were those friends that if you wanted to find one you looked for the other, always together. She is only a few months younger than me, so pretty much throughout school we were together. We took the same classes just to stay together", the blonde continued as the blades of glass within her hands were shredded into pieces.
It was odd to think of a friendship that had lasted almost her whole life. Sure Callie had had good friends, even best friends at school but they didn't talk once they left, or at Med school that once they carried out to their internship, they just moved on. Joanne had been a constant presence within the blonde's life for so long. "As we got older Tim and Joanne realised it was okay to hang round with their younger sisters and we created our own little gang. It was usually just us four, and Nikki's boyfriends or Tim's girlfriends over the years would join us for a little while. As I said we became reliant on each other, all we needed was each other and no one else", Arizona explained with a clear determined tone which Callie could tell the she had adapted in her teens.
"I don't remember the situation or moment when I realised I was a lesbian, I just remember knowing and eventually it was Jo that I fell for. At first I just thought it was a friendship or admiration I dunno. When we were about fifteen the girlfriend of Tim's at the time, whose name I can't even remember now, had a parentless Halloween party. Too much alcohol and a game of spin the bottle ended with Joanne and me kissing", the PEDs surgeon explained, almost in a tone of a rehearsed verse. Part of Callie wished she'd never asked, or maybe it was best she had, it seemed Joanne's presences was so tightly wound within the fabric of her blonde's life, she needed to know, their story. "We fooled around for a while, only us five knew then. Overtime we just became accustomed to saying we were each other's girlfriend. Joanne wasn't ready to come out yet, so we kept it to ourselves really, even if we were a bit touchy or whatever in public, no one noticed because we always had been like that. Her mom didn't suspect anything because we were friends so we spent most of our time together anyway", Arizona explained as she shifted upwards so she was now sitting with her back to the Seattle skyline. It then hit the Latina why Arizona had been so accepting of Cristina's idea of Callie hiding their relationship from the brunette's parents…she'd already done it with Joanne's.
"About five months into our relationship…yeah about five… I managed to get the guts to tell my mom and dad I was gay. As I told them I let slip that I was seeing Jo. My parents promised they wouldn't tell Sue and Martin…Jo and Nikki's parents" the blonde amended assumingly seeing the slight confusion Callie had expressed at the mention of unknown names. "As you know neither of them were surprised, but my mom did keep a closer eye on me after that", Arizona laughed lightly, to which Callie couldn't help but add to. Her parents had been the same with any and all boyfriends Callie had, had when she still lived at home. "Our relationship didn't change that much if I'm honest, because we were so close anyway. We had always had sleepovers, did homework together, had movie nights, went for walks around the latest neighbourhood, the one difference was Nikki and Tim weren't always with us anymore, and yeah we kissed and stuff", Arizona continued, and Callie was slightly surprised at the lack of jealousy she felt, but then again it was a fifteen year old Arizona and Joanne they were discussing.
Every so often Callie would make to interrupt the blonde, and was given a look that said don't interrupt me or the other woman's voice would rise slightly drowning out the words, which had the same effect. "Despite the fact we didn't really have friends out of our group, Jo was still concerned what others thought of her. I didn't really care, people already disliked me because I was called Arizona, so them knowing I was gay wouldn't have changed much, but I kept quiet for her. A few weeks later a new kid joined our classes. His dad was in the services too, not the same unit as our fathers, but for a while if nothing else he was going to our school. Joanne and I were in the top math class, and our teacher assigned Jo as his tutor to help him catch up", Arizona said in a slight masked tone, which didn't give too much away. "They met up a few times a week, and they started becoming close. Not like we had been, but in doing so stopped us from meeting up like we had been", Arizona answered with a slight eye roll and sigh. "Did she cheat on you?" Callie asked timidly, and received a slight laugh.
"Man it would have been so much easier to deal with if she did. About two months after David…yeah", the blonde said seeing the expressed shock Callie had felt at hearing the man's name, the man who the Latina knew later in the story married the younger Parker sister. "About two months after David joined the school, Jo was honest. Painfully and undoubtedly honest. She said she thought she was falling for David. I knew she had been having problems with the idea of being gay and her mom was on her back about getting a boyfriend, I don't think even to this day Sue ever knew about us. I knew people could like boys and girls and Jo pretty much throughout her whole life had said she loved me. Okay it wasn't the same type of love, but I knew I loved her. I can safely say looking back what I felt for her was probably just friendship, or maybe she was my first love I don't know. I just wanted her to be happy so I said we'd still be friends whatever she chose, and she decided to stayed with me", the blonde explained turning a saddened face towards the Latina. Clearly this choice hadn't been a good one.
"Jo kept tutoring David for about a month after that, but it was always at school in the library or when we were all around. It was like she didn't trust herself with him or something, and it was painfully obviously he liked her. After the month she cut all ties off with him, and he wasn't really mentioned again, maybe the odd mention by Sue who was unsubtly trying to set her and David up. But Jo never mentioned him, and I believed she had finally chosen. I had given her the space to pick, and she had. She would buy me presents, and let me pick what movies we watched and would give me cuddles around her mom, I believed she would tell her about us. Looking back she became clingier in the last two months of our relationship as if she was trying to forget him by using me. The day after we slept together for the first time…and yes before you ask it took us a year, she told me she had fallen in love with him", the blonde gave her a sad smile.
Even if they were fifteen, even if it seemed Arizona had forgiven the other blonde, Callie was a still mad at Joanne. She'd strung her along, and what waited until they'd slept together before deciding the gay "lifestyle" wasn't for her? Callie felt a gentle hand on her own, and looking up she saw a slight smile tugging on the blonde's lips at her obvious anger towards her once best friend. "Breath, thank you for being annoyed, but decades later I've forgiven her. Actually I forgave her back then", Arizona said with a smile, and tighter grip to the hand in her own. "She was the reason you made the no newborn rule", it was a statement rather than a question, and one which encouraged the blonde to blush slightly. She hadn't meant to be a dig, and hoped it wasn't taken as so. "Yes she was. I know I was one at the time, but at fifteen I decided I wasn't going to put myself through that again" Arizona said with a slight grimace. Callie had put her in that position again; okay they hadn't been together when she'd slept with Mark but that knowledge didn't make her feel any better. Things were falling into place, making up a puzzle that she was unsure she wanted to complete, because then Arizona would be completely exposed to her, something the blonde had tried so hard not to be.
"I broke it off with her, and pretty much avoided her for a while. I knew if I spoke to her, it would be the burnt ex who would talk to her, and not the best friend I'd been for ten years, so rather than losing my best friend I just asked her to leave me alone for a while. I knew she didn't chose to fall in love with David, and I wanted her to be happy, I was still mad at her, even though I knew I shouldn't be. Weirdly I still hung around with the gang, and Joanne was there. David hadn't integrated into the group by that point, so at least I didn't need to deal with him. I made sure Timmy didn't do or say anything; I knew he wanted to, but as I said I knew it wasn't her fault. We still had the same classes I just picked different people to work with or sit next to when I could. I still went to the Parker's I just hung out with Nikki more, which consisted of her drooling over Tim and moaning that he would never notice her like that", the blonde explained with a drawn out laugh.
Callie wasn't sure who had instigated it, but Arizona injured hand was now resting in her own and the ortho surgeon was massaging the injured hand and wrist as gently but firmly as she could. "As we were all friends we always slept at each other's houses, and our moms got used to waking us up with a friend sleeping next to us who hadn't been there the night before. So when, about three months after we had broken up, there was banging on my bedroom window, I wasn't really surprised. What I was surprised by was who was standing on the roof, crying and soaked through to the skin as the rain belted down around her. It was Joanne", the blonde said, her voice almost instantly becoming soft and calm, though a slight hum also exited her mouth as Callie's fingers danced across the small hand.
"Did she want you back?" the Latina asked softly, not wanting to break the spell that had seemed to fall around them. A further hum of agreement fell from the blonde's lips before saying, "Yes, but only as a friend. She needed her best friend back". Anger instantly coursed through her brunette's blood system, but all she allowed out a slight huff of air, which given the look on Arizona's face, she knew the emotion behind the noise. Arizona took a deep breath before delivering the next part of her story, "That morning she had found out she was about two months pregnant with David's baby".
Callie felt her mouth drop. Arizona on the other hand looked slightly amused at the Latina's reaction. In fairness it had been almost twenty years since the sixteen year olds had lived this part of the story, so Arizona had time to adjust and forgive – if there was something to forgive. "Two months? How long had you been broken up…?" Callie trailed off, realizing that perhaps the younger sister had been unfaith to Arizona. "Just over three months" was the only response she got. Three months, and she had been two months pregnant, give or take. It had taken her about a month, or actually it may have been less, and she just had gotten pregnant after a month. Callie wished she could be angry, but she had been little better with Mark, though she hadn't ended up pregnant and married to him. Screw it, she was going to be angry and annoyed for the blonde, even if the woman herself had gotten over it decades ago.
"What did you do?" was all the Latina could ask. Looking down briefly at their jointed hands, Arizona said, "I was her friend, she needed me. It was awkward as hell at first, but it got better. She told David a few days after me, which was a…interesting experience". Callie shot her a raise eyebrow. "Oh yeah I was there when she told him…moral support", she laughed nervously. A sigh of disbelief was the only indicator of the annoyed and frustrated thoughts flying around the Latina's mind. "Soon after Nikki and Tim found out. Nikki was the supportive big sister, while Timmy took a lot longer to warm up to Jo again, but I guess he was just being the supportive big brother too. Mom pretty much did what I asked, I think like Tim she did what I wanted, but it took a lot longer for her to like her again." Arizona said in a tone of ease. Callie just couldn't get how Arizona could be so blah-say about Joanne, and certainly couldn't get how they'd remained friends.
"We teased Joanne because the day she decided she was going to build up the courage to tell her mom was Halloween, why Halloween I have no idea, and still to this day I have no idea why! She guessed she'd be about three months gone by that point, or at least it was a month after she had found out", the blonde just continued on, but Callie soon realised that Arizona wasn't keeping eye contact anymore. She hadn't expected the tale of Arizona and Joanne to go on this long when she'd asked, and realised it was something the blonde had been keeping to herself, but why she didn't totally understand. It all made so much more sense with the background knowledge to go hand in hand with everything that had happened in the years they'd been together. "Knowing that it was probable that Sue would ground Jo the second the words were out of her mouth, we decided to celebrate Halloween early. It was just a scary movie night in, which for some reason Mom joined us for and I can remember it was if it was yesterday. We were watching Friday the 13th, the original, I think Mom thought if she was there it was somehow okay for Joanne and I to watch it. It got to about half way through and Joanne just started screaming. Everyone had been making fun of her all night because she'd been screaming and jumping at everything. Turning the lights on we saw she was bleeding" Arizona spoke now in barely a whisper, before allowing her eyes to flicker upwards, looking Callie straight on.
Before Callie could ask the question that refused to dislodge itself from her throat the blonde nodded, "She had a miscarriage. Sue was phoned immediately and we rushed her to hospital. Jo had finally made the decision to keep the baby. It wasn't something you did when you were a teenager, part of a serving family, you didn't get pregnant, but she and David decided they'd have the baby. I don't think Sue ever would have, but they were prepared to move out and live together by themselves. Jo even looked into getting emancipation, just in case. I think Sue was just thankful Jo was alive, and she very nearly wasn't". Callie allowed the new information to wash over her, and instantly felt guilt at her earlier thoughts. While she didn't agree or approve of her actions towards the blonde, no one deserved that.
"They tried for children again when they were older, but the damaged was done. Due to complications during her surgery when she sixteen, she was told it was possible she would never have children, but it didn't stop them from trying. Years of trying, the heartache and I think sadly blame towards Joanne, on David's part ended up with them just growing apart. Over the years they split up several times for a while, before getting back together. But the last time, she caught him … in the throws with his receptionist", Arizona finished making a slight face, one mirrored by Callie. Being cheated on was one thing, actually catching your other half at it was something Callie never had, and never wanted to experience.
"It was during one of their splits that Timmy was killed" the blonde said her eyes sliding closed for a few seconds, looking as if she needed a few moments to consider that statement. Callie gently squeezed the hand being held loosely in her own, and received one back before the blue eyes slid back open with a small apologetic smile. Shaking her head, Callie hoped the blonde would realise she would never need to apologise for missing her brother. After a few minutes in which Arizona had looked as if she was fighting a battle with her own tears, begun to speak though her voice was slightly quivering, "Joanne was there when I got the phone call. I had been on call and called in on my birthday, so rather than half celebrate it, we decided to postpone to the next day. When I got to my parents', mom and dad went out to get something, which turned out to my birthday cake they had pre ordered. They called Joanne to come over and make sure I didn't try and find my presents", Arizona continued with a slight, almost non existent laugh.
"In my family you call people up on their birthday, but as I wasn't celebrating it till the day after mom told people to call then. Various family members did, and at about eleven in the morning, the phone rang again…" the blonde said moving to sit slightly hunched. Callie shifted and wordlessly questioned, with a gesture, if Arizona wanted to be held. The blonde didn't respond but did lean in, her breathing was laboured, but no tears seemed to fall. Once again after a few minutes in which Callie simply rubbed small circles with the tips of fingers at the base of the blonde's spine. It seemed Arizona was determined to tell Callie about that day, and it broke her heart. "I just thought they said Miss Robbins, like people who do on the phone and don't know you're a doctor…they said Mrs, I didn't hear it. So I said "yes". Joanne caught me before I hit the floor…" the blonde said finally breaking, and Callie could feel the shudders as the woman cried. "She stayed with me…while I had to tell mom, dad and…Nikki. Thankfully I only needed… once, because Nikki came with…them. My cake was dropped on the floor…" Arizona was now talking intermittently, between small burst of tears.
Dozens if not more kisses were places on Arizona's hairline as the blonde buried her face into the Latina's neck, and Callie did all she could, hold on to the small frame. "I'm so sorry Arizona", the brunette whispered. To go through that, all of that … to have to tell her own parents their son was dead, to tell her brother's pregnant fiancée that her husband to be had been killed…how Arizona had managed to keep going, amazed her. She felt Arizona shift slightly, but not move away, but the whispered voice was just as loud as if the blonde was shouting "On the phone they apologised that due to protocol and time differences they were only calling then. They said he'd been killed about…twelve hours before they'd rang". Arizona's voice had shaken considerably, and it took a few moments to realise why. "Your birthday" was all Callie could say because the confusion had hit her square in the chest. That didn't make sense. "But at the hospital you said it was yesterday", said trying to catch the blonde's eye. It wasn't going to happen at that moment in time, because there was a shake to the blonde head as she murmured, "I said it had been four years since I was told. On his death certificate and all documents, my brother died on the fourteen of January 2008".
If Callie was honest with herself, she couldn't remember what Arizona had said as they lay in the bed, she just made the assumption. Now she felt worse for the blonde laid in her arms. How could her big brother have been killed on her birthday? Of all the days within the year, why did he have to be killed on that day? Arizona made to move, so Callie let her no questions asked. Sitting cross legged, head bowed the Latina couldn't take her eyes of the other woman. Tears it seemed had stopped, but the emotion within rested within her whole being. "Joanne was there for me. She was just there. She tried her hardest to understand, she didn't. I don't think you can until you lose your brother or sister. Yes… we had a… I can't even say relationship…a fling or meaningless something, for about four months after", Arizona said without looking the other woman's way.
"You slept with her", Callie said softly. A small nod was given, causing her blonde curls to bounce slightly. Taking a moment or two to digest that information, she couldn't believe that the woman before her was someone to just have meaningless sex with someone else. Not that she blamed Arizona, not in the slightest, it just showed how bad things had been four years ago. "That's why you said you couldn't blame me for Mark" Callie stated, and yet again got a small nod. "I know it's not the same, but I understand. Doesn't mean that I wasn't hurt or upset, or so angry though", the blonde spoke so softly, it was almost eerie. The brunette nodded slowly, before realising Arizona couldn't have seen it. Shuffling forward Callie took hold of Arizona's hand once again, but it took a while for the other woman to turn towards her. Callie gave her a small smile, which was returned almost in slow motion. "She was there for me, like I was for her when she found out she was pregnant, and then when her child died. We were there for each other when we needed each other the most, that's why we're friends. We are now so different, except we have those memories and experiences", Arizona explained softly, but inhaling as far as her lungs would allow.
She finally understood. All the little things said and done over the last three years, it all made sense and came back to that day back in 2008. Shuffling even closer to the blonde, Callie just engulfed the other woman in her arms. Arizona didn't complain or pull away like she thought she would. The blonde was naked and exposed and if she was honest, it was unsettling. After so long of not knowing however, Callie would never go back. "I'm so sorry Arizona", whispered the brunette, and saw slight smile on the blonde's lips. "I love you" Callie breathed, and felt the intake of a deep breath before the PEDs surgeon said, "Me too". They sat staring out at the foggy landscape, the coldness just gently nipping at them. How far had they come. How far did they still have to go? Callie hoped and would fight for, forever.
Still tucked in Callie's arms, Arizona moved with her head tilted so she could look upwards. All the brunette saw were the blonde's beautiful deep blue eyes looking back at her. "That was your only question? Of all the things, you wanted to talk about my first ever girlfriend, who was once my best friend and now I see, it seems every three years or so? The only connection I have with her now is that she is the sister of my brother's son's mother", Arizona said sounding calm but her voice carried an ominous tone she didn't care too much for. Fear and dread flooded Callie's system, and could feel herself breaking under Arizona's reassuring looks. She was trying to be reassuring, kind and … Arizona-ish. "There's nothing else to talk about" Callie said thickly, instantly feeling her heart beat increase under the surprised expression on the other woman's face. "Please don't say that. You don't mean that!" Arizona's voice rose slightly, instantly sounding panicked. "I came home. I came back and found you in a hotel bathtub in blistering hot water because you knew it would stop your blood from clotting", the blonde all but hissed through her already filling eyes at the memory of that night. Callie felt her own eyes filling at the arms clasping her own waist, so tightly, momentarily ignoring the pain she knew the blonde must be feeling. "We both nearly died Callie, and all you can say is there is nothing else to talk about but Joanne and Timmy!" Arizona finished, now only a few pitches down from those only heard by dogs.
Callie just sat looking at the woman who was now inches from breaking. She could feel the blonde's breath lightly playing across her features, and saw the odd tear fall. After everything, after the screaming match in the on call room and the crying fest yesterday, she didn't want to talk anymore. She knew it was wrong after all she had tried to make the blonde talk to her, and she had, she had finally opened up. Only now things it seemed were getting more serious, Arizona wanted to talk, not about lost first loves or pitying, self loathing sex with their exes or courageous brothers. She wanted to talk about important things. Things they couldn't keep running from, any longer.